yellowfrizbee

I decided to make this a blog post. Seemed more appropriate. 

First of all, we will refer to the star of our anecdote as Captain Crazy ****, for the sake of aggressive alliteration. 

So as it begins, I am waiting at my friend's apartment for her to bring my car back. I let her borrow it, you see. My friend has two roommates who are there, one of which is CCC, and we are all just casually hanging out while I wait. While im hanging around, Triple C over here, visibly drunk as shit, starts babbling on to me about how she wants a baby. Im ignoring her for the most part because, well, shes shit faced, kind of annoying, and im not in the mood nor do I care. Then out of nowhere she starts theatrically breaking down crying and changes it from I want a baby to I NEED a baby and goes on about how she will do anything to have one. After this, she starts passionately describing plans to poke holes in condoms and such. Woah, slow down, crazy.

Now I'm a little uncomfortable. If I recall right, at this point I instinctively just threw my hands up and wore this facial expression I honestly don't think I can ever replicate again. It was kind of like that face brand new fathers have on when they are faced to change a dirty diaper for the first time. 

So anyways, I look over to the other roommate, who is sitting nearby texting, and she just rolls her eyes and goes back to her phone. So im just staring silently at Cx3 now with that expression on for what felt like 10 min, all the while she is staring back at me as if she expects a reply. The only thing that eventually manages to slip out of my mouth after our stare off is an awkward "Bitch, why you trippin?" then her roommate just starts cracking up, says "Yeah, you look like you got this." and leaves. 

So now im stuck with this drunken fool alone, and she is still a sobbing mess. At this point, I decide this is NOT my diaper to change and I firmly terminate our discussion immediately, then simply throw a rice krispy treat at her and tell her to eat it. I dont know why I did this, honestly. Maybe my train of thought was that she may sober up. Maybe it was just the closest, most convenient thing to me. Who knows? I sure dont. Strangely enough, this actually gets her to stop crying and even shut up for a little bit. Satisfied with my success, I go to mix myself a drink, because holy hell I need a drink to tolerate her crazy ass any longer. Giving me a massive headache. Where are you, "friend"?


Anyways, this is going on far too long and I havent even gotten to the best part! Bear with me. So just when I think THAT was crazy..


Before I even get to pouring the drink, as I'm reaching into the fridge to grab the juice/mixer, she dramatically yells "WAIT DON'T DRINK THAT!" and I'm just thinking **** you, I need this drink. But alas, I ask why, and she says "I poisoned it."

Of COURSE you did. Fantastic. So now I am just screaming "WHAT? WHY? WITH WHAT?" and she replies casually, "I danno, I just started pouring a whole bunch of chemicals in there. Bleach, rodent poison. I dont know.", and I scream again "WHY?"! And she says, in what I'm most certainly sure was a 'duh' tone, "Because I was trying to kill my roommate?"

Oh ok, thanks for clearing that up. Whew, man. Thank goodness. That explains it. That makes sense. For a second there, I thought you were just bat shit insane. Funny, right? 

So now I am fed up with this crazy ****ed up attention whore over here, and I call my friend and tell her to get the hell over here now before C^3 ****ing kills someone or reproduces. I am assured that she is almost here and she actually tells me NOT to call the cops yet, to which I hang up the phone and pelt another rice krispy at the girl, this time with some kind of purpose behind it, as if I truly believed it was going to cure her ****ing crazy. Then I start pouring out the juice into the sink. Oh my god, as soon as I opened the juice up it smelled so strongly of chemicals. Not very subtle. At least shes bad at killing people. There is no way anyone would have drank that. 

But moving on, now she starts pleading and crying "Why are you so mean? You think I'm crazy, dont you?", I remain saying as little as I can, so as not to enable further. I just peg another rice krispy at her and hope she shuts up or goes away. Its in vain, of course. Shes not very phased. Damnit. Thankfully, my friend comes in the door shortly after (Thank god. I was running out of rice krispy treats). Turns out she has a personality disorder. She does this frequently. Her roommates dont mind ( ) and this isnt even the most creative or ridiculous assassination attempt. She just does it for attention. Can you imagine living with that?

 If you take anything away from this, dont go for the Rice Krispy treats, guys. Terrible defense against crazy.