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Friday, March 08, 2013

Rice Krispy Treats Cant Cure Crazy!

Current mood: aggravated

I decided to make this a blog post. Seemed more appropriate. 

First of all, we will refer to the star of our anecdote as Captain Crazy ****, for the sake of aggressive alliteration. 

So as it begins, I am waiting at my friend's apartment for her to bring my car back. I let her borrow it, you see. My friend has two roommates who are there, one of which is CCC, and we are all just casually hanging out while I wait. While im hanging around, Triple C over here, visibly drunk as shit, starts babbling on to me about how she wants a baby. Im ignoring her for the most part because, well, shes shit faced, kind of annoying, and im not in the mood nor do I care. Then out of nowhere she starts theatrically breaking down crying and changes it from I want a baby to I NEED a baby and goes on about how she will do anything to have one. After this, she starts passionately describing plans to poke holes in condoms and such. Woah, slow down, crazy.

Now I'm a little uncomfortable. If I recall right, at this point I instinctively just threw my hands up and wore this facial expression I honestly don't think I can ever replicate again. It was kind of like that face brand new fathers have on when they are faced to change a dirty diaper for the first time. 

So anyways, I look over to the other roommate, who is sitting nearby texting, and she just rolls her eyes and goes back to her phone. So im just staring silently at Cx3 now with that expression on for what felt like 10 min, all the while she is staring back at me as if she expects a reply. The only thing that eventually manages to slip out of my mouth after our stare off is an awkward "Bitch, why you trippin?" then her roommate just starts cracking up, says "Yeah, you look like you got this." and leaves. 

So now im stuck with this drunken fool alone, and she is still a sobbing mess. At this point, I decide this is NOT my diaper to change and I firmly terminate our discussion immediately, then simply throw a rice krispy treat at her and tell her to eat it. I dont know why I did this, honestly. Maybe my train of thought was that she may sober up. Maybe it was just the closest, most convenient thing to me. Who knows? I sure dont. Strangely enough, this actually gets her to stop crying and even shut up for a little bit. Satisfied with my success, I go to mix myself a drink, because holy hell I need a drink to tolerate her crazy ass any longer. Giving me a massive headache. Where are you, "friend"?

Anyways, this is going on far too long and I havent even gotten to the best part! Bear with me. So just when I think THAT was crazy..

Before I even get to pouring the drink, as I'm reaching into the fridge to grab the juice/mixer, she dramatically yells "WAIT DON'T DRINK THAT!" and I'm just thinking **** you, I need this drink. But alas, I ask why, and she says "I poisoned it."

Of COURSE you did. Fantastic. So now I am just screaming "WHAT? WHY? WITH WHAT?" and she replies casually, "I danno, I just started pouring a whole bunch of chemicals in there. Bleach, rodent poison. I dont know.", and I scream again "WHY?"! And she says, in what I'm most certainly sure was a 'duh' tone, "Because I was trying to kill my roommate?"

Oh ok, thanks for clearing that up. Whew, man. Thank goodness. That explains it. That makes sense. For a second there, I thought you were just bat shit insane. Funny, right? 

So now I am fed up with this crazy ****ed up attention whore over here, and I call my friend and tell her to get the hell over here now before C^3 ****ing kills someone or reproduces. I am assured that she is almost here and she actually tells me NOT to call the cops yet, to which I hang up the phone and pelt another rice krispy at the girl, this time with some kind of purpose behind it, as if I truly believed it was going to cure her ****ing crazy. Then I start pouring out the juice into the sink. Oh my god, as soon as I opened the juice up it smelled so strongly of chemicals. Not very subtle. At least shes bad at killing people. There is no way anyone would have drank that. 

But moving on, now she starts pleading and crying "Why are you so mean? You think I'm crazy, dont you?", I remain saying as little as I can, so as not to enable further. I just peg another rice krispy at her and hope she shuts up or goes away. Its in vain, of course. Shes not very phased. Damnit. Thankfully, my friend comes in the door shortly after (Thank god. I was running out of rice krispy treats). Turns out she has a personality disorder. She does this frequently. Her roommates dont mind ( ) and this isnt even the most creative or ridiculous assassination attempt. She just does it for attention. Can you imagine living with that?

 If you take anything away from this, dont go for the Rice Krispy treats, guys. Terrible defense against crazy.

6:09 pm - 0 comments - 0 Kudos
Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Ah, small Chinese women..gotta love em.

For those of you that are confused..I woke up this morning to a small unfamiliar Chinese woman with big over sized bright orange floaties doing aerobics in my swimming pool outside. I stared for a moment, then shrugged and turned on the Futbol game.

After Portugal's piss poor match, I took a nap and woke up AGAIN to loud engrish screaming down stairs. I knew we were going to have a small family party today, but I didnt remember having an asian relative, so I curiously made my way down stairs only to find that the small Chinese woman, who was now drunk, was STILL here and ontop of that, she was hanging at my family party for my cousin who just got accepted to the college im going to...and Im still not aware any of us know her ! She was the only one here that wast family.

It turns out she is my moms clothing tailor. Yes. I know. That explanation still doesnt make any sense as to why she was doing aerobics in our pool and drunk at our house. Your guess is as good as mine. It was quite amusing..I welcomed it. Still odd..

Anyways, here is the audio for you people who were following my little advenure: ture=youtube_gdata
3:45 am - 4 comments - 1 Kudos
Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Rant: Bob the Push Over

So blame it on whatever you like, but I have to sit down and share my rage with you all. Its only fair of me to give you the background. So it started like this; a lovely conversation with my sister. Coke in hand, marching down the hall singing my heart out...and then it evolved into a deep concern.

Me singing: Bob the builder can we fix it? Bob the builder, for the right price!

Sister: What are you talking about?

Me: Its Bob the hustler.

Sister: Why?

Me: Well who in their right mind just says "Oh yeah, sure, let me lend myself to you 24/7 so I can fix everything in your god damn life that breaks. Its not like I have things to do or anything." Bob the push over is more like it.

And thats how it started. Thats what set me off. I mean really? Really, Bob? I watch your show all the time, im a fan, really I am; but youre such a god damn push over its almost unbearable. Hey Bob, can you fix my house? Yeah Sure! Just let me get my fucking talking yellow tractor!.... How much longer, Bob. How much longer until you snap? Cause a person can only take so much before they break. How do you even make a living? Youll be out on the streets in no time and I can tell you right now, none of your little free loading "friends" are going to help you out at all. Remember all the times you fixed their shit? Nothing in return. And as for your dating life? Im pretty sure chicks dont dig talking yellow tractors, ya creep. I mean, Jesus! Get a puppy or something. You seeing a pattern here, Bob? Youre not going to get very far with your attitude.

And another thing. Bob the Hustler. Why not? Is it moral? Questionable. But itd make a damn good tv show and itd teach kids much more valuable things in life than being a push over! Id watch it. Much better than painfully watching this poor Mr. Fix-it get stepped on by all of his selfish greedy peers as he exhaustively fixes all their fucking problems for NOTHING. Thats right, I said it. Nothing. So Bob the Hustler; is it Perfect? No, not really. But let it sit for a while. Youll like it. Maybe one day the TV network will too and Bob will be hustling all those good for nothing "friends" of his sometime soon. Ill try to make that happen. Perhaps Adult Swim can take me up on that offer.

Just food for thought. I have problems, yes. Oh and one last thing..

Bob, fuck you.

P.S. Youre next, Dora.
8:46 pm - 6 comments - 3 Kudos
Monday, December 21, 2009

Fireflies and Jack Daniels

So, for whatever reason, I have been somewhat pondering. Not even intelligent pondering, more like meaningless ramblesome pondering.

These episodes of pondering hit me while I was listening to the radio. Fireflies by Owl City came on and I noticed something....

"'Cause I get 1,000 hugs, from 10,000 lightning bugs"

If this were so..then wouldnt each of the 10,000 fireflies have to hug him only a tenth of a hug each?? Thats just awkward. I dont even know what a tenth of a hug looks like..

This guy must not be very good at math. Thats the only thing I can think of. 1,000 hugs distributed between 10,000 fireflies= 1/10 a hug from each.

Not only that, but have any of you actually listened to the words? The guy is quite a pussy.

Moving on though, Tik tok sparked a few thoughts in my head aswell.

"Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack"

That just sounds absurdly unhealthy.

"And now the dudes are lining up because they hear we got swagger"

Is it just me, or does that totally sound like an STD?

"But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger"

Wow. Low standards. Just wth? I wonder shes even seen a picture of that guy.

Most importantly though, who the hell thought it would be a good idea to let a Valley girl rap? Like who gave them access to a microphone? Cause once I find out who you are, im going to hunt you down and kill you.

4:23 am - 8 comments - 8 Kudos
Saturday, March 07, 2009

I, yellowfrizbee, almost died - 3/6/09

Current mood: Courageous

Warning: This post contains language and dramatized situations not suitable for children. Viewers discretion is advised. Oh. And its ****ing long for no reason.

Chap. 1

Alright, so I invited about 4 of my friends over to go canoeing with me. Sounds nice so far, right? I put a silly little sailor hat, get my oars and life jacket and im ready to lead this mother****ing party! We step in the water, start pushing the cannoe out and WOAH its like..cold. Pshh thats ok..we dont mind..we are mother****ing canoers.

SO, as the story continues..I, like I said, am the leader (I know how to pump up a crowd..yeah Jacquie doesnt do the rowing). Me and three of my girl friends plus my sister and I are in one canoe, and my dude friend I invited along is in the Kayak. So we are pushin along, im leading my crew in a few light hearted and totally improvised in the moment songs I made up; of course about Mr. Kayak man. These were not happy songs, oh no. These were more of friendly competetive songs aimed towards Mr. Macho Kayak man.

My songs of "YOU SUCK" didnt go down well with Mr. Kayak Man ...he, although way ahead of us, turned his little kayak around and rammed us fullspeed a new one. Oh dear lord! My crew was falling apart right before my eyes I had to think quick! The boat was a-rockin due to the frantic panic of my dear crew. Alas..I couldnt salvage them it was too late...THE CANOE STARTED SINKING BELLY UP LIKE THE TITANIC! Bastard!

Chap. 2

It was only till then that I realized..that it was at least a solid 60 degrees in the water and 70 degrees may be muttering to yourself "Psshh..60 degrees? Thats not that cold you big baby" And youre only half right..we prefer to be called "Pansy Floridians", thank you very much. But moving on..60 degree water truly feels like 30 degrees in that situation ! Plus your body temperature is like 98 degrees..a 30 degree drop within seconds isnt exactly fun no matter who you are ! Anyways though, we were a good 100 yards (lololol all that and only 100 yards) away from the nearest dock. We were too cold to flip the canoe back I did the captainly thing and PADDLED MY ASS AND JUMPED ON THAT MOFO FOR MYSELF! EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF MAN! checked to see if my poor damp crew was alright.. Then..climbed up on that capsized canoe like a quick **** know..for strategic measures and what not <__<!

Anyways, Ill save you the details since Ive drawn this out long enough. Basically in a nutshell Mr. Macho Kayak man ended up being our savoir..pulling all our asses 100 yards to dock with the canoe dragging behind him ! It took probably 10 minutes..but at last we were saved we all took a wonderful orgy shower together afterwards and everyone lived happily ever the shower.

•Moral of the story: Jacquie should not go canoeing let alone be left in charge as captain ! Oh.. and orgy showers truly do fix all tragedies.•

Yay for long drawn out stories that could have been shortened to two sentences. >__> I like writing an over dramatic novel.
6:25 am - 13 comments - 12 Kudos
Tuesday, January 06, 2009

To all the UGers that leveled my pokemon..

Current mood: cheerful

I made this appreciation blog to all that clicked that little link and leveled the fucker up. To all of you, I say thanks. Why I do this is beyond me..but the fact that you all did it anyways is why you deserve this blog . Once again I give thanks..I love you all .


List of known UGers that have contributed:
Chaos Nil

484 anyonymous users that also contributed. You know who you are..but I sure dont. (if you also contributed just tell me)
3:06 pm - 10 comments - 4 Kudos
Monday, December 22, 2008

Play Station Network error fix guide

Current mood: blah

If youre like me, you get alot of DNS ERROR or "Failed to connect to Playstation Network/connection timed out" when trying to connect to PSN.. Well not anymore  (hopefully)!

If youve tried everything and just cant figure it out..perhaps this simple trick will work. Anyways, Ive put together a really quick fix..but then again this is rather obvious but since I over looked this detail, maybe you did too?

NOTE: This is for Belkin wireless users..but if it works or doesnt work for you let me know.

Step 1: Open up your wireless connection and click on the properties.

Step 2: Click on the 'Advance' Tab and locate the "Allow other Network users to connect through this computer's Internet connection" box. Check this box.

Step 3: Make sure its checked and click OK. Youre done..happily skip to wherever your ps3 is located, turn it on, automatic "easy" config your internet connection, test it..and viola. It should work.

Like I said, its pretty obvious but hey, for could be the thing that works. Besides, ive seen plenty of guides online and none with this, and Belkin by default has that damn box unchecked (probably because its rather obvious, but whatever)

12:09 pm - 7 comments - 0 Kudos
Sunday, October 12, 2008

Why im a musician and not a football player

Current mood: confused

So im watching the Jaguars VS Broncos game....and I see some fans hold up a "D" and a "#" I yell out "What the fuck is D sharp supposed to mean?"

Whole time im thinking, what the hell does the D# notes have to do with football? It was later explained to me that the "#" was supposed to be a it meant defense..not D# like musical notes..this is why im a musician and not a sports player

Just a dumb moment, thought you should know ..anyone else do this ?
12:05 pm - 9 comments - 8 Kudos
Sunday, December 09, 2007

Fruit scented shampoo rant

Current mood: Purple..yes I do

I can understand smelling fruit and eating them but I dont understand WHY anyone would want to smell like a fruit...I personally dont want to smell like a fucking strawberry or a watermelon when I go out...I feel like someones just gonna sniff me then BWAH they eat me! yeah I dunno I just would rather not smell edible..its not normal..then again neither is my paranoia of people eating me. But yeah, I dunno, stupid things annoy me and im pretty sure im alone on this one...but i still think smelling like a fruit is weird
8:23 am - 25 comments - 6 Kudos