I decided to make this a blog post. Seemed
First of all, we will refer to the star of our anecdote as
Captain Crazy ****, for the sake of aggressive alliteration.
So as it begins, I
am waiting at my friend's apartment for her to bring my car back. I let her
borrow it, you see. My friend has two roommates who are there, one of which is
CCC, and we are all just casually hanging out while I wait. While im hanging
around, Triple C over here, visibly drunk as shit, starts babbling on to me
about how she wants a baby. Im ignoring her for the most part because, well,
shes shit faced, kind of annoying, and im not in the mood nor do I care. Then
out of nowhere she starts theatrically breaking down crying and changes it from
I want a baby to I NEED a baby and goes on about how she will do anything to
have one. After this, she starts passionately describing plans to poke holes in
condoms and such. Woah, slow down, crazy.
Now I'm a little
uncomfortable. If I recall right, at this point I instinctively just threw my
hands up and wore this facial expression I honestly don't think I can ever
replicate again. It was kind of like that face brand new fathers have on when
they are faced to change a dirty diaper for the first time.
So anyways, I look
over to the other roommate, who is sitting nearby texting, and she just rolls
her eyes and goes back to her phone. So im just staring silently at Cx3 now
with that expression on for what felt like 10 min, all the while she is staring
back at me as if she expects a reply. The only thing that eventually manages to
slip out of my mouth after our stare off is an awkward "Bitch, why you
trippin?" then her roommate just starts cracking up, says "Yeah, you
look like you got this." and leaves.
So now im stuck
with this drunken fool alone, and she is still a sobbing mess. At this point, I
decide this is NOT my diaper to change and I firmly terminate our discussion
immediately, then simply throw a rice krispy treat at her and tell her to eat
it. I dont know why I did this, honestly. Maybe my train of thought was that
she may sober up. Maybe it was just the closest, most convenient thing to me.
Who knows? I sure dont. Strangely enough, this actually gets her to stop crying
and even shut up for a little bit. Satisfied with my success, I go to mix
myself a drink, because holy hell I need a drink to tolerate her crazy ass any
longer. Giving me a massive headache. Where are you, "friend"?
Anyways, this is
going on far too long and I havent even gotten to the best part! Bear with me.
So just when I think THAT was crazy..
Before I even get
to pouring the drink, as I'm reaching into the fridge to grab the juice/mixer,
she dramatically yells "WAIT DON'T DRINK THAT!" and I'm just thinking
**** you, I need this drink. But alas, I ask why, and she says "I poisoned
OfCOURSE you did. Fantastic. So now I am just
screaming "WHAT? WHY? WITH WHAT?" and she replies casually, "I
danno, I just started pouring a whole bunch of chemicals in there. Bleach,
rodent poison. I dont know.", and I scream again "WHY?"! And she
says, in what I'm most certainly sure was a 'duh' tone, "Because I was
trying to kill my roommate?"
Oh ok, thanks for
clearing that up. Whew, man. Thank goodness. That explains it. That makes
sense. For a second there, I thought you were just bat shit insane. Funny,
So now I am fed up
with this crazy ****ed up attention whore over here, and I call my friend and tell her
to get the hell over here now before C^3 ****ing kills someone or reproduces. I
am assured that she is almost here and she actually tells me NOT to call the
cops yet, to which I hang up the phone and pelt another rice krispy at the
girl, this time with some kind of purpose behind it, as if I truly believed it
was going to cure her ****ing crazy. Then I start pouring out the juice into
the sink. Oh my god, as soon as I opened the juice up it smelled so strongly of
chemicals. Not very subtle. At least shes bad at killing people. There is no
way anyone would have drank that.
But moving on, now
she starts pleading and crying "Why are you so mean? You think I'm crazy,
dont you?", I remain saying as little as I can, so as not to enable
further. I just peg another rice krispy at her and hope she shuts up or goes
away. Its in vain, of course. Shes not very phased. Damnit. Thankfully, my
friend comes in the door shortly after (Thank god. I was running out of rice
krispy treats). Turns out she has a personality disorder. She does this
frequently. Her roommates dont mind ()and this isnt even the
most creative or ridiculous assassination attempt. She just does it for
attention. Can you imagine living with that?
you take anything away from this, dont go for the Rice Krispy treats, guys.
Terrible defense against crazy.
For those of you that are confused..I woke up this morning to a small unfamiliar Chinese woman with big over sized bright orange floaties doing aerobics in my swimming pool outside. I stared for a moment, then shrugged and turned on the Futbol game.
After Portugal's piss poor match, I took a nap and woke up AGAIN to loud engrish screaming down stairs. I knew we were going to have a small family party today, but I didnt remember having an asian relative, so I curiously made my way down stairs only to find that the small Chinese woman, who was now drunk, was STILL here and ontop of that, she was hanging at my family party for my cousin who just got accepted to the college im going to...and Im still not aware any of us know her ! She was the only one here that wast family.
It turns out she is my moms clothing tailor. Yes. I know. That explanation still doesnt make any sense as to why she was doing aerobics in our pool and drunk at our house. Your guess is as good as mine. It was quite amusing..I welcomed it. Still odd..
Anyways, here is the audio for you people who were following my little advenure:
So blame it on whatever you like, but I have to sit down and share my
rage with you all. Its only fair of me to give you the background. So it
started like this; a lovely conversation with my sister. Coke in hand,
marching down the hall singing my heart out...and then it evolved into a
Me singing: Bob the builder can we fix it? Bob the builder, for the
Sister: What are you talking about?
Me: Its Bob the hustler.
Me: Well who in their right mind just says "Oh yeah, sure, let me lend
myself to you 24/7 so I can fix everything in your god damn life that
breaks. Its not like I have things to do or anything." Bob the
push over is more like it.
And thats how it started. Thats what set me off. I mean really? Really,
Bob? I watch your show all the time, im a fan, really I am; but youre
such a god damn push over its almost unbearable. Hey Bob, can you fix my
house? Yeah Sure! Just let me get my fuckingtalking yellow
tractor!.... How much longer, Bob. How much longer until you snap? Cause
a person can only take so much before they break. How do you even make a
living? Youll be out on the streets in no time and I can tell you right
now, none of your little free loading "friends" are going to help you
out at all. Remember all the times you fixed their shit? Nothing in
return. And as for your dating life? Im pretty sure chicks dont dig
talking yellow tractors, ya creep. I mean, Jesus! Get a puppy or
something. You seeing a pattern here, Bob? Youre not going to get very
far with your attitude.
And another thing. Bob the Hustler. Why not? Is it moral? Questionable.
But itd make a damn good tv show and itd teach kids much more valuable
things in life than being a push over! Id watch it. Much better than
painfully watching this poor Mr. Fix-it get stepped on by all of his
selfish greedy peers as he exhaustively fixes all their fucking problems
for NOTHING. Thats right, I said it. Nothing. So Bob the Hustler; is it
Perfect? No, not really. But let it sit for a while. Youll like it.
Maybe one day the TV network will too and Bob will be hustling all those
good for nothing "friends" of his sometime soon. Ill try to make that
happen. Perhaps Adult Swim can take me up on that offer.
Just food for thought. I have problems, yes. Oh and one last thing..
So, for whatever reason, I have been somewhat pondering. Not even intelligent pondering, more like meaningless ramblesome pondering.
These episodes of pondering hit me while I was listening to the radio. Fireflies by Owl City came on and I noticed something....
"'Cause I get 1,000 hugs, from 10,000 lightning bugs"
If this were so..then wouldnt each of the 10,000 fireflies have to hug him only a tenth of a hug each?? Thats just awkward. I dont even know what a tenth of a hug looks like..
This guy must not be very good at math. Thats the only thing I can think of. 1,000 hugs distributed between 10,000 fireflies= 1/10 a hug from each.
Not only that, but have any of you actually listened to the words? The guy is quite a pussy.
Moving on though, Tik tok sparked a few thoughts in my head aswell.
"Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack"
That just sounds absurdly unhealthy.
"And now the dudes are lining up because they hear we got swagger"
Is it just me, or does that totally sound like an STD?
"But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger"
Wow. Low standards. Just wth? I wonder shes even seen a picture of that guy.
Most importantly though, who the hell thought it would be a good idea to let a Valley girl rap? Like who gave them access to a microphone? Cause once I find out who you are, im going to hunt you down and kill you.
Warning: This post contains language and
dramatized situations not suitable for children. Viewers discretion is
advised. Oh. And its ****ing long for no reason.
Alright, so I invited about 4 of my friends over to go canoeing with
me. Sounds nice so far, right? Ahem..so I put a silly little sailor
hat, get my oars and life jacket and im ready to lead this
mother****ing party! We step in the water, start pushing the cannoe out
and WOAH its like..cold. Pshh thats ok..we dont mind..we are
SO, as the story continues..I, like I said, am the leader (I know how to pump up a crowd..yeah Jacquie doesnt do the rowing).
Me and three of my girl friends plus my sister and I are in one canoe,
and my dude friend I invited along is in the Kayak. So we are pushin
along, im leading my crew in a few light hearted and totally improvised
in the moment songs I made up; of course about Mr. Kayak man. These
were not happy songs, oh no. These were more of friendly competetive
songs aimed towards Mr. Macho Kayak man.
My songs of "YOU SUCK" didnt go down well with Mr. Kayak Man ...he,
although way ahead of us, turned his little kayak around and rammed us
fullspeed a new one. Oh dear lord! My crew was falling apart right
before my eyes I had to think quick! The boat was a-rockin due to the frantic panic of my dear crew. Alas..I couldnt salvage them it was too late...THE CANOE STARTED SINKING BELLY UP LIKE THE TITANIC! Bastard!
It was only till then that I realized..that it was at least a solid 60
degrees in the water and 70 degrees above..you may be muttering to
yourself "Psshh..60 degrees? Thats not that cold you big baby" And
youre only half right..we prefer to be called "Pansy Floridians", thank
you very much. But moving on..60 degree water truly feels like 30
degrees in that situation ! Plus your body temperature is like 98 degrees..a 30 degree drop within seconds isnt exactly fun no matter who you are ! Anyways though, we were a good 100 yards (lololol all that and only 100 yards) away from the nearest dock. We were too cold to flip the canoe back over..so I did the captainly thing and PADDLED MY ASS AND JUMPED ON THAT MOFO FOR MYSELF! EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF MAN!
checked to see if my poor damp crew was alright.. Then..climbed up on
that capsized canoe like a quick ****er..you know..for strategic
measures and what not <__<!
Anyways, Ill save you the details since Ive drawn this out long enough.
Basically in a nutshell Mr. Macho Kayak man ended up being our
savoir..pulling all our asses 100 yards to dock with the canoe dragging
behind him ! It took probably 10 minutes..but at last we were saved we all took a wonderful orgy shower together afterwards and everyone lived happily ever after.....in the shower.
•Moral of the story: Jacquie should not go canoeing let alone be left in charge as captain ! Oh.. and orgy showers truly do fix all tragedies.•
Yay for long drawn out stories that could have been shortened to two
sentences. >__> I like writing an over dramatic novel.
I made this appreciation blog to all that clicked that little link and leveled the fucker up. To all of you, I say thanks. Why I do this is beyond me..but the fact that you all did it anyways is why you deserve this blog . Once again I give thanks..I love you all .
List of known UGers that have contributed: Echoplex Chaos Nil jetfuel495 ColdNovemberRain SomebodySomeone Imdeth Fuzzbox Isildurs_bane 484 anyonymous users that also contributed. You know who you are..but I sure dont. (if you also contributed just tell me)
If youre like me, you get alot of DNS ERROR or "Failed to connect to Playstation Network/connection timed out" when trying to connect to PSN.. Well not anymore (hopefully)!
If youve tried everything and just cant figure it out..perhaps this simple trick will work. Anyways, Ive put together a really quick fix..but then again this is rather obvious but since I over looked this detail, maybe you did too?
NOTE: This is for Belkin wireless users..but if it works or doesnt work for you let me know.
Step 1: Open up your wireless connection and click on the properties.
Step 2: Click on the 'Advance' Tab and locate the "Allow other Network users to connect through this computer's Internet connection" box. Check this box.
Step 3: Make sure its checked and click OK. Youre done..happily skip to wherever your ps3 is located, turn it on, automatic "easy" config your internet connection, test it..and viola. It should work.
Like I said, its pretty obvious but hey, for some..it could be the thing that works. Besides, ive seen plenty of guides online and none with this, and Belkin by default has that damn box unchecked (probably because its rather obvious, but whatever)
So im watching the Jaguars VS Broncos game....and I see some fans hold up a "D" and a "#"...so I yell out "What the fuck is D sharp supposed to mean?"
Whole time im thinking, what the hell does the D# notes have to do with football? It was later explained to me that the "#" was supposed to be a fence...so it meant D-fence..like defense..not D# like musical notes..this is why im a musician and not a sports player
Just a dumb moment, thought you should know ..anyone else do this ?
I can understand smelling fruit and eating them but I dont
understand WHY anyone would want to smell like a fruit...I personally
dont want to smell like a fucking strawberry or a watermelon when I go
out...I feel like someones just gonna sniff me then BWAH they eat me!
yeah I dunno I just would rather not smell edible..its not normal..then
again neither is my paranoia of people eating me. But yeah, I dunno, stupid things annoy me and im pretty sure im alone
on this one...but i still think smelling like a fruit is weird