I liked Hockey... A lot. It was what I did, it was who I was. From 3 to 16 it was who I was, it was everything to me. I learned to skate in the same week that I learned to walk, took skating lessons, at 3 my parents put a stick in my hand and the rest was history. I grew up with the game, everyone pushing me to play better, be a leader on the team, push my game to the next level. I enjoyed it, that feeling when you just stepped out onto the ice coming straight from the locker rooms, that breeze in your face... I'm getting chills just thinking about it. I was captain of my team a few different years, and I usually led them to a district championship in our flight.
Then came High School Hockey. In Minnesota, it's big. Really big. Hockey in Minnesota is like Football in Texas. It's what we talk about, it's all some people think about. My freshman year I made the team for my small school. Sure we weren't much, we didn't win too many games that year, but I pushed myself into the best shape of my life. I had rock hard abs, my arms were huge, and I could run and skate faster than I ever had before. After that year, I quit.
I can't tell you why I quit, I just did. It just seemed to be the time for me to bow out. Coach said he had big plans for me the following year, he said he was going to turn me into a leader. I couldn't do it. The guys on the team hated me. The next year, the first year I hadn't played, my grandfather died. He was the one that was at every game, drove me to practice all the time, took me to Minnesota Wild games every time he could... He was more of a father than my actual father was to me. I still feel like I let him down by not playing that year.
My old life goals that I had had since I was seven or eight were this: Play hockey until the end of High School. Graduate with decent grades, go to a small school where I could play hockey through college and still get a good degree. Then I'd get a job, get married, buy a home, have kids, and live it up like my dad did, and his dad before him did. God they've changed since then.
Music was never my number one thing. Not until I quit playing hockey. It was something to keep me occupied when I didn't have much to do... That was until I really started playing. When I bought my Standard Mexi Strat I knew things were going to be different. Instead of my planned out life, things turned upside down. I had no idea where I was going anymore, I wanted some kind of clarity. So I changed schools.
I've got no idea where things are going now, all I know is that I'm alone, going to be a freshman at a music college in september majoring in guitar performance. Marriage? Fuck I don't even know a woman that wants to have a fifteen minute conversation with me, much less date me. Getting a job? Hell, who's going to hire a twenty-something kid with tattoos and a music degree (assuming I have the cash to get tattoos soon) A family? Hell I'm not sure I'd be a good parent seeing as I can't even take care of myself.
I'm not sure of what's going on right now, I have no certainty of the future, so I guess I have to wing it for a while, there's not really any other options. I'll just have to toast the world and hope I finally catch a break, because with all of the shit I've put up with in the last two years, I think I deserve a break or two.
Good luck sam, make something happen, become a musician, meet new people, find someone who will love you for who you are, and who will always be there no matter what, not just when it's convenient for them. Make me proud kid, after all, I am you and you are me.
People change, it's normal.
I understand that you're afraid of the future, but it will probably turn out alright.
You shouldn't feel guilty about letting your grandfather down, I'm sure he understood why you wanted to quit. Just think of all the good times you had together.
And I don't know what I'd say on the marriage/dating thing, since I've only been rejected.
But chin up, you seem like a good and interesting person to talk to, and I really mean this.
I really didn't mean for this to sound like a downer blog like the rest of my blogs. It was supposed to be more of a, "What a difference a day makes" type of thing.
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Hockey and My Former Life Goals, What Happened? blog
