I'm sorry for everything, whether it be hurting some of my friends, hurting the person that I've trusted everything with and I broke her heart, for the self inflicted injuries that I've given myself both mentally and physically throughout the years. I'm sorry mom and dad, I know I'm not living up to your expectations, I'm an eighteen year old child, I know. I know my sister is the good child and I'm the one that tries to get attention but usually end up making a fool of myself. I'm sorry for all the money you've spent on me over the years and what you're breaking your back for now. I think you should have saved up the money for Aly to go to college instead of trying to send me there, I'm just not good enough and it's not worth wasting your money. I'm sorry Maddie, you know you hurt me, but the things I said to you... I'm sorry, I should have taken everything like a gentleman, you were a good friend and I wish I could take it all back and at least have you here to hang out with. I'm sorry I dragged you to a new school where you had no friends and you didn't like it there, it was my fault. I'm sorry Katia, I didn't mean to burden you with all of that talk, I'm glad you were there to help with teaching me soccer stuff, I just wish we could have had a better friendship, you were the female version of me. And I knew you liked me for a while but I can't say that I could be capable of a longish distance relationship. I'm sorry Grandpa, I'm really sorry about everything, you were more my father than my real dad was. You were there for every hockey practice, every game, every time that I wanted to go golfing which was always, every hunting trip, those were the best times of my life, just being with you. I'm so sorry, I often wonder what you'd say if you saw me living my life this way, if you'd be disappointed, if you'd be there to help, of course you'd be there, helping me with every tiny bit of advice you had. I'm sorry Danny, you were my best friend since the day we met in Kindergarden, I'm sorry I left, but I needed to get out of that place, I had to try and push myself to get to where I wanted... I don't think that worked, maybe if I would have just stuck it out at that hell hole I wouldn't have all of these problems. I'm sorry everyone at Avalon, Nora, Bret, Kevin, you were the best advisors, You know I did my best to try and do the things that I could, but in the end I just can't handle anymore of the stress. I know you tried to teach me life lessons while you gave me that diploma, I'm sorry, I tried them, but they just didn't work. I'm sorry to all the kids at Avalon, you guys could be the best and the worst. I never really fit in too much, but I had friends that had my back, I love you guys and girls, it meant the world to me that you were there for me when I needed it, and you know I was there for you whenever you needed it. I'm sorry School of Rock, I'm not the guitarist you thought I was, I'm not that good, you've got way better students and you should have given them all of the tough work, they deserve it, not me. You guys taught me the meaning of music, what music does to people if you play with your heart and soul in it. I'm sorry Browns, you were one of the nicest families I've ever met, and I loved the fact that you liked me for who I was, you knew where I had been in the past, and you still let your daughter be with me, that meant a lot, not to mention the two great adventures we went on this year, Danebod and New York City... I'll never forget it. If this is our last goodbye, I'm sorry for what happened between your daughter and I, it's all my fault and I take full responsibility for that.
Honey, the day that I met you, I knew you were the girl for me. We weren't very close in the beginning of that school year two years ago, but that wouldn't last long. I don't know if you remember me falling asleep on your shoe, but I dreamt of you when it happened... The girls I've been with, they were nothing like you, and I didn't love either of them. Mo, hell she said I love you, and I said it back because hey, I had someone, and that made me feel good. Maddie, I don't remember her ever saying it, and I was too scared to say it to her because I really wasn't sure if I even liked her. But you, I knew from the moment I found your house that summer night, after two hours of looking for it, when you came out that door, I wanted to hold you in my arms and never let go. I know things were rocky last September, I was scared, I didn't want to end up losing my best friend, that's why I said no. But when I kissed you that January night, and we went to the game, it was one of the best nights of my life. After that, everything seems like a dream and a fairytale ending. Until this. I know what I did, I did the worst thing you can ever do to someone, I cheated. It was once, and it just happened, I didn't know what to do, but it just happened. I've regretted it since the second it happened, it's been my reoccurring nightmare for the past two months. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want you to leave me, you're my world, and when I said I love you, I meant it, and when you said it, it was like fireworks went off inside of me, I felt like the luckiest guy on the world... But I betrayed your trust... It's the worst thing I've ever done in my life, and I'm sorry. You're probably going to leave me when you get back, hell, if I make it to when you get back. You've seen me at my worst, and you've made me feel my best, I just wish I could have been better. You deserve better than I could have ever given you. I would do anything to earn your trust back, I'd climb Everest, I'd sit in a cage of tarantulas and you know how scared I am of spiders, I'd go through hell and back to be with you... I'm so sorry honey.
If you've read all of this, I'm sorry to you too, I've taken another precious moment of someone's life that could have been for something much more constructive.
If you've read this, I'm at my wit's end at the moment and I could really use some support, a kind word, whatever. I feel like I've become invisible, stuck in my room for the past three days, no friends call, nobody answers, the only communication I have is Twitter and it makes me feel like I've actually got friends, but of course, I've lost them all. I'm sorry everyone, I'm just scared that this might be different than before.
Dude, I know things are bad. I went through a similar phase a while ago and got really suicidal. Its' neve a burden I learned. They wouldn't do it unless deep down they really wanted to for whatever reason. Be it feeding you, teaching you, being with you, talking to you, anything.
You can talk to me about this stuff if you have to. I'm a stranger but I know what you're going through. Heres' the first thing to do. Smile, no reason. Physically smile, and smile at everything with a genuine smile. First step to feeling better.
You rock, you live, you love, and you learn. You'll make it.
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