Well everyone, I'm leaving UG. I have to, I have things that I need to sort out and UG just isn't helping at the moment. I'll miss you guys, but I'll be back someday. I can't say specifically when I'll be back, all I can say is goodbye for now, and hopefully I'll be back someday soon.
I liked Hockey... A lot. It was what I did, it was who I was. From 3 to 16 it was who I was, it was everything to me. I learned to skate in the same week that I learned to walk, took skating lessons, at 3 my parents put a stick in my hand and the rest was history. I grew up with the game, everyone pushing me to play better, be a leader on the team, push my game to the next level. I enjoyed it, that feeling when you just stepped out onto the ice coming straight from the locker rooms, that breeze in your face... I'm getting chills just thinking about it. I was captain of my team a few different years, and I usually led them to a district championship in our flight.
Then came High School Hockey. In Minnesota, it's big. Really big. Hockey in Minnesota is like Football in Texas. It's what we talk about, it's all some people think about. My freshman year I made the team for my small school. Sure we weren't much, we didn't win too many games that year, but I pushed myself into the best shape of my life. I had rock hard abs, my arms were huge, and I could run and skate faster than I ever had before. After that year, I quit.
I can't tell you why I quit, I just did. It just seemed to be the time for me to bow out. Coach said he had big plans for me the following year, he said he was going to turn me into a leader. I couldn't do it. The guys on the team hated me. The next year, the first year I hadn't played, my grandfather died. He was the one that was at every game, drove me to practice all the time, took me to Minnesota Wild games every time he could... He was more of a father than my actual father was to me. I still feel like I let him down by not playing that year.
My old life goals that I had had since I was seven or eight were this: Play hockey until the end of High School. Graduate with decent grades, go to a small school where I could play hockey through college and still get a good degree. Then I'd get a job, get married, buy a home, have kids, and live it up like my dad did, and his dad before him did. God they've changed since then.
Music was never my number one thing. Not until I quit playing hockey. It was something to keep me occupied when I didn't have much to do... That was until I really started playing. When I bought my Standard Mexi Strat I knew things were going to be different. Instead of my planned out life, things turned upside down. I had no idea where I was going anymore, I wanted some kind of clarity. So I changed schools.
I've got no idea where things are going now, all I know is that I'm alone, going to be a freshman at a music college in september majoring in guitar performance. Marriage? Fuck I don't even know a woman that wants to have a fifteen minute conversation with me, much less date me. Getting a job? Hell, who's going to hire a twenty-something kid with tattoos and a music degree (assuming I have the cash to get tattoos soon) A family? Hell I'm not sure I'd be a good parent seeing as I can't even take care of myself.
I'm not sure of what's going on right now, I have no certainty of the future, so I guess I have to wing it for a while, there's not really any other options. I'll just have to toast the world and hope I finally catch a break, because with all of the shit I've put up with in the last two years, I think I deserve a break or two.
Good luck sam, make something happen, become a musician, meet new people, find someone who will love you for who you are, and who will always be there no matter what, not just when it's convenient for them. Make me proud kid, after all, I am you and you are me.
It's been a hell of a week, getting verbally assaulted four times, friends shutting me out, and my insomnia has become much worse than it's ever been. What the fuck do I do now? The only thing I've got left is the pit, but I can't take it. I can't take the pit anymore, all it is is just a few dumbass jokes, a few interesting threads and a bunch of idiots being patrolled by smarter idiots. I'm sick of relying on the pit. Just someone, leave me a message, comment on my blog, hell, type something on my wall thing. I just need to know that I still exist. If you want to get to know me, well that's great, if you want to hear my life story, alright. If you want to talk about any goddamn thing, I'd like that.
Well that was stupid, just me waving my arms, jumping up and down, screaming, "HEY HEY, LOOK AT ME!!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!"
I'm sorry for everything, whether it be hurting some of my friends, hurting the person that I've trusted everything with and I broke her heart, for the self inflicted injuries that I've given myself both mentally and physically throughout the years. I'm sorry mom and dad, I know I'm not living up to your expectations, I'm an eighteen year old child, I know. I know my sister is the good child and I'm the one that tries to get attention but usually end up making a fool of myself. I'm sorry for all the money you've spent on me over the years and what you're breaking your back for now. I think you should have saved up the money for Aly to go to college instead of trying to send me there, I'm just not good enough and it's not worth wasting your money. I'm sorry Maddie, you know you hurt me, but the things I said to you... I'm sorry, I should have taken everything like a gentleman, you were a good friend and I wish I could take it all back and at least have you here to hang out with. I'm sorry I dragged you to a new school where you had no friends and you didn't like it there, it was my fault. I'm sorry Katia, I didn't mean to burden you with all of that talk, I'm glad you were there to help with teaching me soccer stuff, I just wish we could have had a better friendship, you were the female version of me. And I knew you liked me for a while but I can't say that I could be capable of a longish distance relationship. I'm sorry Grandpa, I'm really sorry about everything, you were more my father than my real dad was. You were there for every hockey practice, every game, every time that I wanted to go golfing which was always, every hunting trip, those were the best times of my life, just being with you. I'm so sorry, I often wonder what you'd say if you saw me living my life this way, if you'd be disappointed, if you'd be there to help, of course you'd be there, helping me with every tiny bit of advice you had. I'm sorry Danny, you were my best friend since the day we met in Kindergarden, I'm sorry I left, but I needed to get out of that place, I had to try and push myself to get to where I wanted... I don't think that worked, maybe if I would have just stuck it out at that hell hole I wouldn't have all of these problems. I'm sorry everyone at Avalon, Nora, Bret, Kevin, you were the best advisors, You know I did my best to try and do the things that I could, but in the end I just can't handle anymore of the stress. I know you tried to teach me life lessons while you gave me that diploma, I'm sorry, I tried them, but they just didn't work. I'm sorry to all the kids at Avalon, you guys could be the best and the worst. I never really fit in too much, but I had friends that had my back, I love you guys and girls, it meant the world to me that you were there for me when I needed it, and you know I was there for you whenever you needed it. I'm sorry School of Rock, I'm not the guitarist you thought I was, I'm not that good, you've got way better students and you should have given them all of the tough work, they deserve it, not me. You guys taught me the meaning of music, what music does to people if you play with your heart and soul in it. I'm sorry Browns, you were one of the nicest families I've ever met, and I loved the fact that you liked me for who I was, you knew where I had been in the past, and you still let your daughter be with me, that meant a lot, not to mention the two great adventures we went on this year, Danebod and New York City... I'll never forget it. If this is our last goodbye, I'm sorry for what happened between your daughter and I, it's all my fault and I take full responsibility for that.
Honey, the day that I met you, I knew you were the girl for me. We weren't very close in the beginning of that school year two years ago, but that wouldn't last long. I don't know if you remember me falling asleep on your shoe, but I dreamt of you when it happened... The girls I've been with, they were nothing like you, and I didn't love either of them. Mo, hell she said I love you, and I said it back because hey, I had someone, and that made me feel good. Maddie, I don't remember her ever saying it, and I was too scared to say it to her because I really wasn't sure if I even liked her. But you, I knew from the moment I found your house that summer night, after two hours of looking for it, when you came out that door, I wanted to hold you in my arms and never let go. I know things were rocky last September, I was scared, I didn't want to end up losing my best friend, that's why I said no. But when I kissed you that January night, and we went to the game, it was one of the best nights of my life. After that, everything seems like a dream and a fairytale ending. Until this. I know what I did, I did the worst thing you can ever do to someone, I cheated. It was once, and it just happened, I didn't know what to do, but it just happened. I've regretted it since the second it happened, it's been my reoccurring nightmare for the past two months. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want you to leave me, you're my world, and when I said I love you, I meant it, and when you said it, it was like fireworks went off inside of me, I felt like the luckiest guy on the world... But I betrayed your trust... It's the worst thing I've ever done in my life, and I'm sorry. You're probably going to leave me when you get back, hell, if I make it to when you get back. You've seen me at my worst, and you've made me feel my best, I just wish I could have been better. You deserve better than I could have ever given you. I would do anything to earn your trust back, I'd climb Everest, I'd sit in a cage of tarantulas and you know how scared I am of spiders, I'd go through hell and back to be with you... I'm so sorry honey.
If you've read all of this, I'm sorry to you too, I've taken another precious moment of someone's life that could have been for something much more constructive.
If you've read this, I'm at my wit's end at the moment and I could really use some support, a kind word, whatever. I feel like I've become invisible, stuck in my room for the past three days, no friends call, nobody answers, the only communication I have is Twitter and it makes me feel like I've actually got friends, but of course, I've lost them all. I'm sorry everyone, I'm just scared that this might be different than before.
Alright I was thinking about this a few days ago, and finally got the guts to come and post it here...
Now I was thinking about a friend of mine, who has basically been neglected by her parents for most of her life. Now I was thinking about teenage rebellion, I mean every teenager rebels at some point whether it's 13 or 19, but the point is that everyone does it at some point. Now what happens if your parents don't acknowledge it? I mean it's a critical point in your life, what happens if you don't get the chance to openly defy your parents and state your independence?
I believe that through all of this, that if you don't get the chance to state your independence and rebel against them, you will rebel against other "parent figures". Now in the case of my friend, she rebelled against me, decided that I couldn't help her do what she needed and she figured she'd go back to the person who abused her in the past.
What are your thoughts on this, if you don't get the chance to rebel, do you in turn rebel on "parent figures" and other modes of stability?
wow, I'm surprised you're reading this, it's quite odd to me, I'm so much of a geek that I'm ungeeky in the ways of the computer and the blog. So yes I am doing a project on songwriting for school, and I'm almost finished, I just need to write some lyrics, but I'm not a good writer at all. That's where you come in, I could use some tips that can get me through this project, I don't have much time, so I need them fast.
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wizards?'s blogs, last updated : September 25, 2009
