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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Why Don't You Just Piss Off!(That One Guitar Tech)

Current mood: Fucking Pissed

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    Hi, I haven't blogged anything in a while, probably because it's a huge waste of my fucking time. But fuck it, here I am with another aspect of the guitar world that hits me like the fat off a beaver's ass.

    You know what pisses me off? Noobs especially can relate to this asshole. I want you to just visualize this: you, still a guitar noob, walk into a guitar store, eager to buy your first/second axe, or maybe do some funky modifications that you read about somewhere on the internet to your current axe. You walk up to the counter, or find some guy hanging around not doing anything. You inevitably find yourself running into the giant, skeletal figure with insanely huge fingers, long, nicely kept hair, and a Children of Bodom t-shirt on. You know right away that this son' bitch knows what's what just from his godly appearance. Carefully you approach him, with almost a sense of nervousness.

    And that's when you open your mouth...

    You try your hardest to sound like you  know what you're talking about. Maybe you'd seen your favorite guitar heroes using a whammy bar, and mention to him that you want to sound like Eddie Van Halen or some shit like that. This typical "asshole" will probably laugh at you outright, knowing that you're a noob and that he's a million times better than you. That makes you feel pretty shitty, but you respect that this man most likely IS a million times better than you, and that you can't argue that shit with him. So then he says, "So, what, do you want a floyd rose trem?" Fuck! Your research into the instrument had not gotten that far, and you panic. You don't want to look like a complete retard, so you don't ask him up front WHAT exactly a floyd rose trem is. You kind of just scratch your head for a minute, trying your hardest to find an easy out. You run out of options, and then you just blurt out what you believe is the safe answer.

    "No, I want the one that Eddie uses. The one that makes his guitar squeal!"

    And so, the story ends with him making you feel even more shitty, telling you that you don't know the first thing about guitar, harmonics or whammy bars. He tells you what you'll need to do, yes, but not before he rips out your soul and stabs it with a thousand needles. You'd think you'd be happy that he gave you some good advice, but actually...

    The thing about this asswipe of a guitar tech is that you can find one in EVERY guitar store. I swear to God, sometimes I try to avoid talking to techs altogether on the off-chance that I might run into this prick. Even though I'm pretty confident in my knowledge of the guitar and its various accessories, I know that this little fuck will find a way to piss me the fuck off. I'd love to tell this guy that he is a douche, and that if he was such a god he'd be in a godly band making fat cash... HOOKERS AND BLOW MOTHAFUCKA!!! But it all comes down to axe work, and generally, this guy lives and breathes guitar, and you can't even compare.

    So hold the fuck on, urgey_rock! Are you trying to say that just because you play like Yngwie Malmsteen AND work in a guitar store makes you both of asshole and douche breeds?

    No, I'm just saying THE POTENTIAL IS THERE BIOTCH! But don't worry, because here are three easy things that guitar virtuosos can do to avoid being douchebags working at a guitar store:

1. Have a life outside of the guitar - Yes, I know it sounds impossible, but you can do other things with your time that don't involve the guitar. And I don't mean writing ridiculous blogs like I am currently. Go out with some friends, or, if you don't have any, make some in a fun-filled environment like a bar.

2. Find yerself a woman - Women are often very naggy and will demand your attention in bunches. They are great for taking your mind off of guitar, amirite? But urgey_rock, what if you're a WOMAN who is a douche guitar-tech?! Then God help us all...

3. Don't work at a guitar store - If all else fails, and you find that you are inevitably a perma-douche, then just quit your job right now, because no one wants to handle that shit. Please... just... fucking... leave...

If you are an asstech, and refuse to get my professional help, then Why Don'y You Just Piss Off?!
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