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Sunday, August 21, 2011

Where Babies Come From

Current mood: thoughtful

Views: 888
Comments: 21
This is something that has long mystified many people, so I shall now explain to you where babies come from.

When a boy and a girl love each other, sometimes they decide that they want a baby.  So they head up to a private place (usually their bedroom).  They get naked and get under the blankets.  That's where step one happens:  paperwork.  In order to receive a baby from the baby factory, the mommy and daddy have to fill out the necessary forms. 

A private place and relaxing music are usually chosen to make this stressful and important process much less frustrating.  The parents need to take off their clothes so they can get accurate pictures to submit with the forms in order for the baby to be made properly.  Sometimes when a couple knows just what they are doing, they are able to fill out the paperwork in less than 10 minutes.  Sometimes they take more time to choose things carefully. 

When they finish, they send the completed forms off to the baby factory.  The factory is very busy, so it will likely take awhile for them to start the order.  For the time being, the soon-to-be parents can only prepare for the baby.  For the future daddy, this involves selling all of his nice things in order to pay for the baby and clearing a space for it. 

For the future mommy, it is a bit more complicated.  When the new baby finally arrives, the mommy will have to eat it whole.  To prepare to have such a large item in her belly, she must begin to stuff it full of food.  This is why expecting mothers are always eating.  They need to stretch their bellies gradually to fit the baby inside.

Meanwhile, the factory will eventually begin to process the paperwork.  A team of specially trained storks will select the right components for the baby based off of a combination of the parents' request, the pictures of the parents, and what is available at the time.  Due to the large number of requests for babies, the highest quality components are often used up quickly, so the production team has to make do with what is available. 

After the baby has been designed and built, a delivery stork prepares it for delivery.  The stork flies the baby to the parents' house in the middle of the night.  The mommy must then eat the baby.  Since she has been stuffing her belly as full as possible in the last few months, she will now be able to fit the baby inside.  Once inside its mother's stomach, her digestive juices will kill off any germs that the baby may have picked up during manufacturing or delivery.  For this reason, the baby is treated with special chemicals to prevent the mother's stomach from accidentally digesting the baby. 

For the last bit of time, the baby works its way through the mother's body.  Eventually, it will get to the end.  At this time, the parents will go to the hospital.  Once there, the mommy will poop out the baby, all ready for the world.

There are several things that could have gone wrong though.  The order form can be filled out incorrectly or lost, the storks might select faulty components, the baby might be put together wrong, the baby not might be properly treated to handle the mother's digestive juices, etc.  All of these problems can result in complications, but with the help of modern technology the factory can run more efficiently and problems can be prevented. 

And that's where babies come from. 
11:38 pm - 21 comments - 33 Kudos - Report!
Comments
Jon777 wrote on Aug 22nd, 2011 1:58am

:haha:

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joestrat5000 wrote on Aug 22nd, 2011 2:46am

This

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Somekid94 wrote on Aug 26th, 2011 4:56am

When a child asks me where babies come from, I will be sure to refer to this.

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CPDmusic wrote on Aug 26th, 2011 4:58am

Wow, forget sex ed, it never told me this!

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Gorelord666 wrote on Aug 26th, 2011 1:15pm

I've been lied too my whole life....

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mulefish wrote on Aug 26th, 2011 2:22pm

:haha:

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OliOsbourne wrote on Aug 31st, 2011 3:33am

If I'm white, can I order a black baby?

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Strat007 wrote on Sep 13th, 2011 6:37pm

This is brilliant :haha:

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NakedInTheRain wrote on Oct 3rd, 2011 2:21pm

fucking hilarious. :haha:

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NeutralFan wrote on Nov 11th, 2011 4:50pm

Still doesn't explain the noises.

:rolleyes:

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whoomit wrote on Nov 27th, 2011 1:53pm

That's great man :haha:

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thePTOD wrote on Dec 7th, 2011 2:03am

:haha: awesome.

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hriday_hazarika wrote on Dec 7th, 2011 6:11am

Best.

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moscaespaņol wrote on Jan 7th, 2012 4:42pm

nice

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ali.guitarkid7 wrote on Jan 16th, 2012 4:56am

I can never look my mom in the eye anymore while she eats...

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stealstrings wrote on Apr 27th, 2012 3:07pm

:wtf:

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Mind_Reader7 wrote on May 18th, 2012 4:44pm

how is babby formed

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WCPhils wrote on Jun 24th, 2012 9:20pm

:haha: :haha: :haha:

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brndnstffrd wrote on Jul 14th, 2012 5:04pm

This is hilarious

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crazysam23_Atax wrote on Sep 23rd, 2012 8:33pm

:haha:

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metallicafan616 wrote on Apr 22nd, 2014 4:08pm

That's absolutely genius :haha:

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