Now that I've been open about this here on UG for awhile, I'm going to write a
little blurb here for anyone that was wondering or unclear.
I am a non-operative male-to-female transgender. Basically I was born male but
identify as a female. I am currently living as a male, but would ideally like
to live as a woman. At the moment, I really haven't really taken many steps
towards this goal other than talking to a few of my friends and professors (and
many of you here on UG, of course). Even though I would like to go through with
it, I feel that I'm not really at a stable enough point to really considering
it any time soon, at least not until after graduating.
At some point, I'd like to add a short little FAQ here.
For now, I'll start by acknowledging the question as to how I want to be
referred. Like I said, I identify as being female, so I would prefer to be
referred to as such, so you can use she, her, etc. You can call me Kristen if
you want. That's the name that I would plan on using if and when I go through
with reassignment.
Also I guess sexual orientation is probably worth mentioning. I'd identify as
asexual and probably panromantic, but I definitely lead more to gynoromantic. So
in short I like girls.
More questions later when I get some time. If you have any questions, feel free
to PM me. Don't feel like your questions are stupid or whatever. It's something
that most people really don't know too much about (myself included), so even if
it seems like a stupid question, it probably isn't, so don't be afraid to ask.
Update: Jan 11th (written on Jan 3rd)
I guess as far as acceptance, it hasn't really been much of a problem so far. I've
only told people that I know, mainly my friends from the radio station that I
work at, people that are in my major, a few of my professors, my bandmates, my
parents, and two of my sisters. College campuses in this part of the country
tend to be very liberal, and even the more conservative people tend to be more
accepting of things than conservative people in other parts of the country.
If anything is emotionally draining, it's really just general anxiety on my
part. I'm just kind of... well, a bit nervous and a lot excited. It's a big
change and there will certainly be obstacles, but just the idea of being able
to really be myself is just... I don't know how to describe it.
Other than coming out, I really haven't done anything more than have a couple
of my girl friends dress me up twice. I'm kind of stressing a lot over whether
or not I should start presenting as female at school this semester. In someways
I feel that I'm over-thinking it because all I really have to do for now is
dress as a female (wearing female clothes as well as stuffing and tucking, but
I probably won't start wearing makeup yet because I realistically can't learn
that in such a short time) as well as behaving a bit more feminine.
I really haven't really talked extensively with my parents, but my mom is kind
of... it obviously really surprised her, which is certainly reasonable. I guess
her thing was it is that I've never acted particularly feminine, though this is
more because she has overlooked the feminine traits that I do display and is
unaware of the ones that I don't.
Of course, a big part of it is that it still is fairly new to her, since I only
came out to my parents on Oct 27th. In fact, I guess it's still very new to me.
I came out as "queer" to two of my friends on Sept 18, came out to
another friend as asexual/panromantic the next day (I kind of told him the
story of what had happened the previous day, because the circumstances were
quite humorous), and then I came out as trans to one of my professors that I
hang out with on the 21st.
I guess it was one of those things that I had sort of realized for a long time,
but I really never labeled myself as trans or even considered transitioning
until early last year. Even then, it's certainly something that I questioned
heavily, as do most people that are heteronormative in terms of sexual or
gender orientation. It's not like I was ever ashamed of it though. I had
already sort of gone through the same thing when I fully became aware in high
school that I was queer.
It really wasn't until I started coming out here on UG in August that I really
started to feel comfortable enough to come out in real life, and even then I
was still questioning it to some point. I began to really open up about it, it
really just started to feel "right" I guess. As that was happening, I
just started to feel a lot more comfortable with myself as a person. It's not
like I had hated myself prior to that, but more so that I was just very
apathetic about myself.
Another thing that I changed dramatically when I started coming out is that the
timeline for transitioning changed drastically. Even a month or so after coming
out I still didn't feel like I wanted to or even could deal with transitioning
for at least a few years. I guess I could say the same about telling my
parents. But the more I started to talk about it, the more I
"discovered" myself and now I not only feel that I want to transition
as soon as possible, to the point that I can't really stand not transitioning
soon.
Written Jan 11th
Since Jan 3rd, I've basically made up my mind that I would like to start presenting
as female this semester (beginning Jan 14th). After a whole week of trying to
talk to my mom about it, I finally had a chance this morning. Let's just say it
could have gone better. The basic gist of the conversation:
You can't be transgendered at school."
"Well why not?"
"Because what are you going to do, be a transvestite? What are you going
to do, where dresses and stuff?"
"For now, sure."
"Well your dad isn't taking this well. I've talked to him about it a
little and he doesn't want anything to do with it. He's having a hard time with
it."
"And you don't think I am. This is something that's going to have a really
negative effect on me if I don't do it soon."
"Well what if you try it and it doesn't work?"
"It kind of has to. And it's not like I haven't thought about this. I've
talked about this a lot with all of my friends and they all support me."
"Well that's just a temporary thing. Of course they would say that. It's
not like they would just tell you that they're not going to support you. And
it's not like they've been supporting you for the last 21 years."
So I don't know. I have to talk to them about it some more. As far as what I'm
doing for the semester, it's like... I can't do it obviously, but at the same
time I've already decided that I'm going to do this now.
I guess for the time being I could leave stuff in the closet at the radio
station and go to school dressed as a boy. Then when I get to school, I can get
dressed up and do makeup and whatever, and then take it all off before my
parents pick me up.
I'll probably write more next week about how my week goes. I feel pretty good
about it. The one thing that I'm kind of... not sure about... is which bathroom
to use. I feel like I can't exactly use either. Apart from the general
awkwardness, one major problem is that I don't know if I would get in trouble
for using the girls' bathroom. I'm still legally male, so I couldn't possibly
get in trouble for using the boys' bathroom.
I've discussed this with the head of my school's disability department to she
if she could give me any answers, but the best that she could find are the
single handicap rooms where you can go in and lock the door to the bathroom. Even
then, which do I use? This is especially important if I am putting on or taking
off makeup in the bathroom.
Of course, if worse comes to worse, I can always ask a girl friend to go to the
bathroom with me, since that's a common enough behavior among girls.
January 17th
I said that I'd add something late in this week, so yeah. I've only been to
three classes so far, and I had the two professors (one of them teaches two of
my classes this semester) refer to me as Kristen. There were a few confused
looks. It also doesn't help that I haven't started dressing as a girl yet (not
like I'd be convincing anyway).
It was kind of weird in my class last night when my teacher went around the
room and had us all say our names just in case we didn't know everyone (there
were a few unfamiliar faces). Nobody really has said anything yet. I'm sure
that they really would feel too awkward to ask anyway.
One thing that was kind of weird was when I was exchanging contact information
with my project partner for that class was that moment when he asked how my
name was spelled. It's really something that I don't think about. I mean, I got
it right without really thinking about it, but it's something I hadn't thought
too much about.
My friend Bill had done that one time as well. He had just randomly asked me to
see if I could when prompted, and really I just sort of hesitated. But I didn't
this time so it's alright. I definitely have to practice that a bit.
The other thing that I can imagine would be similar is if I'm doing any sort of
official school business. Naturally, when I'm asked for my name, I still need
to use my legal first name. That's already awkward anyway though. And of course
their is the fact that I honestly don't know how to sign my name, but again,
for important stuff I'd be using my legal name anyway.
I'll probably give another update after another week or so. At this point I'm
hoping to give an update every week or two. Then again, I doubt anyone reads
this often anyway, so I doubt anyone is going to be anxiously waiting the next
update.
January 30th
Let's see... I've started dressing like a girl at school. It's weird. I don't
really look like a girl. I also don't have any tape for up there or down there,
so that makes it sort of weirder, but sort of less weird. I'll say one thing
though: leggings without tape doesn't leave much to the imagination...
Last night I went to the Q&A meeting (formerly the GSA). It was alright. There
isn't really too much to say. Afterward, a girl I know complimented me on my
penis. Like I said, not much is left to the imagination...
I also was hanging around with one of my friends who is trans, and his friend
that is also trans (also he president of Q&A) and his girlfriend. They gave
me some old clothes, so that's cool. My favorite is this scarf with the trans
colors. I'll get more pictures at some point, maybe even with makeup, taped
cleavage, and my penis tucked back between my legs.
That's about it.
February 18th
I figured that I would add something since it has been almost three weeks. Basically
stuff is pretty much the same as far as this stuff goes. I've started wearing
some of the frillier stuff out of what I was given, as well as a miniskirt and
a couple of minidresses. I've gotten a few looks here and there, which is kind
of funny.
I've went to a couple more Q&A meetings, but I'm probably going to stop
going regularly because honestly they are all kind of... I don't know, I guess
they are all sort of boring with the exception of a few. What's worse is that
two thirds of the meeting are devoted to playing games (I mean boring
"creative" games you would play at like... drama camp or something
that consist of imitating things and remembering people's names) and talking
about feelings. And honestly... these people don't really have interesting
feelings.
There are a few that I would want to hang out with more often though. Mainly
though (and I knew this before going) these things always attract the same kind
of people. It's really just not all that fun and I definitely feel completely
out of place. They are putting on their annual drag/talent show in a few weeks,
and I'm considering doing that though.
One thing that kind of sucks is that in my state, you are required to undergo
sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) in order to legally change gender by having
your birth certificate altered. Basically SRS is a fancy way of saying that
they "reconfigure" your genitalia to that which is typical of your
gender (so in my case I would have my testes removed and my penis would be
converted into a makeshift vagina.
Ew. As a non-operative transsexual, I really don't want to do something like
that at all. Unfortunately, this is required for changing gender legally, so I
have a bit of a problem.
There are other states where this can be done with just a court order, and in
Mississippi (of all places) changing your legal gender on your birth
certificate s as simple as going into some sort of state building and
requesting that they change it. I don't know much about changing birth
certificates and stuff like that though, so I don't know if I could just change
it in other state and be good to go.
Of course, the other thing that is important is hormonal replacement therapy
(HRT). I don't really know much about the formal process of starting that for
my state, though it probably will require going to therapy or something, which
I really don't want to do.
The way I see it, why do I need to talk to a therapist about this? As long as
I'm not having difficulty adapting to life or some stupid shit like that, what
would I have to talk to them about? Therapy is also very expensive. Of course,
HRT is expensive as well. I'm going to probably need insurance to help cover
it, so that might require some extra steps.
I have a friend that is FtM that is already doing hormones and stuff, so I'll probably ask him about it when next I see him.
I still haven't really talked to my parents about any of this since whenever,
so I guess I haven't made progress with that. Parents are stupid anyway.
One thing that I have started doing though is bringing home clothes with me in my backpack and wearing them to sleep. I don't know, it's kind of nice I guess.
That's all for today I guess.
March 10th
So it's been a few weeks. A lot has happened I guess. First of all, a lot of stress and bullshit regarding stuff at home and at the radio station. That's not really the point of this though, so I won't really talk about that.
Let's see... I have been feeling kind of bad lately I guess. I don't know, I guess I just kind of feel very unsure about all of this. I mean, I', very comfortable with my gender identity: I'm female inside, and that's all there is to it. I really enjoy dressing up in girl clothes and I'm very comfortable with that.
Here's the thing though: I'm not really sure at this point that I couldn't be happy living as male for the rest of my life. It's one of those things where there is so much to consider. Sometimes I feel like it's more effort than it's really worth. Sometimes I feel that, well... I know who I am on the inside, and maybe that's enough for me.
But then sometimes I feel... Maybe I'm only content for the moment because of how exciting this semester has been in this aspect. When I first started coming out to people, I felt content in that way, like I didn't have to transition and could be happy just knowing who I am and having people that I care about know who I am. After a while though, I started to feel almost as if that simply wasn't enough.
Maybe I'm just going through another patch where I feel content. Maybe I'll never really be content. I feel that, to some extent, I have an idealized version of myself as a woman that is simply not possible. I feel like maybe even if I go through with everything, I won't be where I want to be.
I don't really know at this point. It's one of those things where I'll figure it out with time, but it's just very frustrating not knowing now. I suppose that there's not much to do with that. When I know I'll know, and that's all there is to it.
Another thing that has been kind of getting to me is that in the trans community, there are a lot of transwomen that aren't completely accepting of non-ops, as if we are somehow less of a female, and someone that wants to be a transsexual and not a real woman. I don't even know how that makes any sense, when a huge aspect of transgenderism is a rejection of cultural norms and social gender roles. I don't know. Bitches be crazy, I guess.
Hormones. It would actually be super easy to get on hormones. But until I decide that I really want to fully transition, it's not really such a great idea to start taking them. At least that's how I feel. Honestly... the one thing about hormones that I'm kind of nervous about is that my penis might get smaller.
I don't know, I just really don't want that. I read all kinds of different things. For some, it shrinks drastically; for others, it barely shrinks at all. Some people say that masturbating frequently causes it to shrink less. Another thing to consider is the option of taking just female hormone supplements but not male hormone inhibitors.
Actually, I went to lunch with a friend of mine that is FtM on Thursday, and he is kind of feeling the same way about his situation. It's nice to have people to go through this stuff with.
Other than that, the only other thing (that's somewhat related) is that I've finally decided to start uploading weird stuff on my deviantART page. It's all just vore-related crossdressing pictures.
For those of you that don't know what vore is, it's a fetish that involves arousal from the idea of one being devouring another, usually by swallowing them alive. In other words, people are actually turned on by the idea of either eating someone else or being eaten. There are a lot of different fantasies that people have. I like the idea of swallowing somebody (probably a cute guy or girl) whole and alive and then having them completely inside of my belly.
That's kind of weird, I know. Honestly, I don't know why that appeals to me, but it does. Of course, it's obviously not possible to do that in real life (and even if I could do it, I wouldn't for obvious reasons), so the only ways to really do anything are roleplaying and artwork.
So basically I've been uploading artwork that I've made by editing self portraits in GIMP. It's really weird stuff, but I enjoy it. The thing is... there are a lot of really perverted weirdos on deviantART. I mean, it's fetish-based artwork, so it's to be expected, but it's still kind of weird. I get all kinds of comments from people about how much they would love to be in my belly. It's kind of weird, but kind of cute, and honestly, it makes me feel super sexy.
I suppose if anyone actually cared, I could link them to my gallery, but it really wouldn't have much appeal unless you are into that sort of thing. Also you can't view pictures marked as having "mature content" without being registered, so I would have to link to the pictures directly.
Anyway, that seems like a decent enough entry for today. Until next time...
March 11th
Today I went around with boobies for the first time, which consisted of me stuffing a couple of scarves under my top. It looks pretty goofy.
Also I'm participating in the Q&A's annual drag show tomorrow night.
I have a step daughter who has had the reassignment surgery and now a daughter in law (married to the step child) who is also had the surgery (m=f). so I'm somewhat familiar with the life and the problems, perceptions and hassles that people who are trans get. You are very brave to stand for your beliefs and don't let naysayers and petty people get to you.
Hearts out to you. Can't imagine such struggles would be easy to deal with. Anyways, I hope it all works out for you, and I can remotely sympathize with you. My sexuality's kind of a blur, and I like to cross-dress and such, though I'm not sure I'd identify as transgendered or anything.
...I'm desperately trying to think of a joke about this that is lighthearted and funny without being inappropriate. Sorreh :[ here's a few kudos for being (cartman voice) coooooooooooool.
It's a big step to take and stupidly easy to pass off as a ridiculous idea. I have a lot of respect for you going through with it all. Hope all shall fair well for you!
Wow, that was an interesting read. I had read this before, just not with the updates. This probably makes me seem like a huge creep but whatever, my "internet persona" is retarded anyway.
Hope everything goes well and you end up happy with yourself. That's all that matters in the end: fuck everyone that disagrees. If you ever need to chat a bit feel free to PM me or something: I can't even fathom what you're going through, but I'm a good listener (reader, since this is the Internet afterall).
