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Sunday, January 01, 2012

The Story of Cannibal Corpse, part I

Current mood: melancholy

Views: 471
Comments: 4

Let’s face it:  stuff is awesome.  Cheeseburgers are awesome.  Sweet guitar licks are awesome.  Hot chicks are awesome.  There are lots of awesome things out there.  But out of all the awesome things in the world, surely one has to be the most awesome of them all.  Many have long debated what this very pinnacle of awesomeness is, but there is only one thing in the world that can conclusively be deemed the most awesome thing in the world.  And that thing is…

Cannibal Corpse!

But there are some very important questions that Cannibal Corpse’s unrivaled awesomeness raises:  Why is Cannibal Corpse so awesome?  Where did they come from?  Who are they?  Why am I asking you all these questions?  Fear not!  For here and now, for the first time ever, I shall reveal… the true origin of Cannibal Corpse!  Keep reading, and all your questions will be answered!


Now, in order to understand the roots of these legendary musical geniuses, we need a little background information on their place of origin, Buffalo, New York.  Buffalo, New York is located about 11 minutes away from the Canadian border, and so it’s pretty far up north.  Naturally, it’s very cold in Buffalo, about as cold as most of Canada.  But because it’s not Canada, the people of Buffalo are not as silly and happy-go-lucky as Canadians.  When you consider that Buffalo sports teams have not won a championship in over 200 years, these factors add up to one thing:  life in Buffalo, New York is boring.  There is nothing to do in Buffalo, save for one small thing.  While Buffalo may just be one of the worst parts of this great country, they are also responsible for the second most awesome thing ever (behind only Cannibal Corpse themselves):  Buffalo wings.


Buffalo wings were invented circa 1669 through a joint effort between the native Iroquois Indians who lived there and the English pioneers.  The Indians provided the spicy, flavorful cayenne-and-vinegar based sauce, and the pioneers contributed the chicken wings.  Together, they created something that put Buffalo on the map, literally.  The entire city was created solely for the production of Buffalo wings, which is where the city gets its name from.  To this day, the manufacturing and exportation of Buffalo wings make up over 90% of the city’s economy.  Naturally, this means that the diets of people living in Buffalo also consist of over 90% Buffalo wings.  The problem here is that spicy food is a leading cause of insanity.  From firsthand experience, I can confirm this.  I mean, I put hot sauce on everything, and I’m just plain nutty! 

But what exactly does this have to do with Cannibal Corpse?  Everything, of course!  Being from Buffalo and therefore being exposed to Buffalo wings almost 24/7 had caused the brave trailblazers that would go on to form the band to become completely insane by 1978.  This dangerously high level of insanity coupled with massive amounts of boredom would forever change the face of death metal forever! 

And so the original members, being more bored than usual as a result of the Buffalo Bills failing to make the playoffs due to another 0-16 season therefore resulting in nothing to watch on TV on that cold January weekend, assembled together in a basement and started to jam on some AC/DC tunes the only tune AC/DC ever wrote.  These members were lead guitarist Jack “Ripper” Owens (not to be confused with his cousin Tim “Ripper” Owens), rhythm guitarist Rob Barrett (nephew of former Pink Floyd singer and guitarist Syd Barrett), bassist Alex Webster (great-grandson of Merriam Webster, author of Webster’s dictionary), drummer Paul Meserkawitz (he’s not related to anyone), and vocalist Chris Barnes.

So they started jamming on that one riff (the same one AC/DC plays for the length of each album).  It was pretty neat, except there was one little probable:  only Chris Barnes likes AC/DC.  So after a bit of arguing, they decided to try doing of cover of Judas Priest’s song “Breaking the Law.”  It too was pretty neat, except once again there was one little problem:  Chris Barnes was incapable of hitting any notes over low Z, thus making Judas Priest covers impractical.  This problem was quickly remedied by tuning the guitars down to Drop-Z tuning to accommodate Chris Barnes’s vocal range.

With the new lower tuned guitars, our heroes realized that their riffs were at least 2 5/8 times heavier than previously, therefore making the riffs sound really cool.  The fearsome combination of Chris Barnes’s vocals and the super heavy guitar riffs was augmented by the addition of a brand new drumming style courtesy of Paul Moserkiwits:  the “hit the snare and bass drums as fast as you can a bunch of times in a row” style, called “blast beats” for short (this name is believed to be derived from Paul Muzurcawex yelling “Blast!” when he realized that he didn’t actually know how to play drums, resulting in the creation of this new drum pattern). 

Having developed a signature sound, the band decided that they needed a name.  They decided that since Alex Webster was the heir to the Webster Dictionary legacy, and more importantly because he was the bassist and therefore didn’t really contribute anything else to the band, it was fitting that he created a name.  Naturally, he did what all great men do when they need to figure out a name:  choose random words from the dictionary, which were “Bifocal” and “Refurbish.”  Unfortunately, these words were terrible, so through half an hour of running the words through different languages on Google Translate Alex Webster eventually ended up with “Cannibal Corpse.”

Now with both a name and a sound, Cannibal Corpse was ready to conquer the world and rock people’s socks off…


11:06 pm - 4 comments - 4 Kudos - Report!
krvolok wrote on Jan 2nd, 2012 10:30am

-- and more importantly because he was the bassist and therefore didn’t really contribute anything else to the band --
lol....made my day...

Bifocal,and refurbish,gotta love that.Great stuff here,you just forgot that they later tuned down to drop Ž.


EpiExplorer wrote on Jan 27th, 2012 11:21pm

Is this from Uncyclopedia?


theogonia777a wrote on Jan 27th, 2012 11:31pm

No. I made it up myself for UG Amplified. But it does sound like something that would be there. I might have to create an account over there and put this in there.


moscaespaņol wrote on Feb 7th, 2012 3:09am

:haha: made my day


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