So I was on the toilet today, and I was thinking about how annoying it is to have to get up to pee when you're trying to sleep and don't want to get out of your nice warm bed into the cold or when you're looking at porn and you've got 12 tabs open and you don't want to close them but you can't risk somebody seeing them.
Right. So I thought...
What if you somebody was half man and half toilet?
He would be the perfect person. We'll call him ToM (Toilet Man).
Don't want to leave your spot on line for pop corn at the baseball game? Don't want to miss that big sex scene in the latest blockbuster? Don't want to get off your lazy ass to walk to the bathroom? Well, if you were like ToM, you would never have to! You could just pee in yourself because you would be half toilet.
Convenient, right?
But it doesn't stop there. What if you have to throw up from drinking too much? What if your goldfish just died? What if you need to dispose of some evidence? You could do that too!
But the best part about being ToM? Pranks! Think about it... You just hide in a bathroom. Somebody walks in and thinks that you're one of the bathroom toilets. They sit down to pee. All of the sudden you yell, "Bill Cosby loves Jell-O pudding!" The poor sap will probably poop on the floor. Note: only do this in the girls' bathroom unless you are gay.
So in conclusion... Why did you just read all of that?
Okay, so apparently I'm just at the limit for blog length, so here's a new one. I just saved my changes and they got erased after like the first few sentences so now I have to redo most of this entry. Dammit. Anyway...
May 2nd (shit, it has been way too long)
Since it has been a good 6 or 7 weeks, a ton of stuff has happened. I barely remember any of it practically since it's been like forever.
The drag show was fun I guess. I played Foggy Mountain Breakdown in front of like... I really don't have any idea actually. At least 200 people I suppose. I played well enough, especially considering that I was playing with fingerpicks and standing up (I almost always perform sitting and with bare fingers) and also considering that the most people that I've ever really picked banjo in front of live was maybe 60 or 70 people.
It was the first time I've ever really worn makeup. Meh. The whole thing was kind of... I don't know. It was like, almost a parody of my entire gender orientation thingy. But whatever. There were a couple of professional drag queens that came and performed. Man, did they ever make some ugly girls!
That's actually one thing that I am really worried about. I really don't want to transition and take hormones and everything just to end up being a really ugly girl. I've been looking at MtF makeup tutorials on Youtube but all of those transgirls are just terribly ugly and masculine looking even with "feminizing" makeup. Ugh.
I did get makeup from a friend of mine that is FtM for being out for 6 months. It's kind of funny, because I can remember the exact dates I came out to several dozen people (or at the very least I could figure out the date fairly easily), but I can't remember the date that I came out to him. Oh well.
I haven't been dressing in girl clothes at school as frequently over the last month. I had mentioned back in March about how I was going through a patch where I felt sort of content with just dressing female, but now I'm not really content with that anymore. It has sort of lost its luster I guess and it just isn't really enough anymore. As much as the feeling kind of sucks, at least now I feel more confident that I really do want to transition further.
I have also done tons more vore stuff on dA. I've gotten a lot of positive feedback, though much of it is from guys that want me to eat them. I get a lot of really weird pervy comments, but it is flattering in a way. That there are people out there that want nothing more than "to be a meal digesting in [their] goddess's belly" or whatever makes me feel pretty sexy.
This is the perfect opportunity to explain binomial nomenclature, since this is the way many dinosaurs are referred to and people always mess it up, especially with T. rex. If you ever notice, in science they use funny Greek and Latin names
that nobody understands to name organisms. The animal is referred to by
its genus and species. It is written like this:
"Genus species" or "G. species" for short.
Also, a subspecies name can be added:
"Genus species subspecies" or "G. s. subspecies" for short.
The genus name is capitalized, and the species (and subspecies) are left
lowercase. A period is used after the abbreviated genus and species
names when applicable. Genus, species, and subspecies names should be
italicized even when abbreviated. Though italicizing on the forums is a
pain since Ctrl+I doesn't seem to work, so it's probably better to
forget that. Anyway, the binomial nomenclature of T. rex is Tyrannosaurus rex
(the genus meaning "tyrant lizard" and the species meaning "king," thus
making "king of the tyrant lizards") and can be abbreviated as T. rex. Only T. rex is correct; T-Rex, T. Rex, T-rex, t. rex, and t-rex are all incorrect.
Here are some more examples (no dinosaur examples; don't know any of the top of my head):
American black bear = Ursus americanus -> U. americanus
eastern black bear = Ursus americanus americanus -> U. a. americanus
moose (elk in Europe) = Alces alces -> A. alces
Shiras moose = Alces alces shirasi -> A. a. shirasi
tiger = Panthera tigris -> P. tigris
Caspian tiger = Panthera tigris virgata -> P. t. virgata
You get the idea. Hopefully some of you will now get this right. I doubt it though.
Now that I've been open about this here on UG for awhile, I'm going to write a
little blurb here for anyone that was wondering or unclear.
I am a non-operative male-to-female transgender. Basically I was born male but
identify as a female. I am currently living as a male, but would ideally like
to live as a woman. At the moment, I really haven't really taken many steps
towards this goal other than talking to a few of my friends and professors (and
many of you here on UG, of course). Even though I would like to go through with
it, I feel that I'm not really at a stable enough point to really considering
it any time soon, at least not until after graduating.
At some point, I'd like to add a short little FAQ here.
For now, I'll start by acknowledging the question as to how I want to be
referred. Like I said, I identify as being female, so I would prefer to be
referred to as such, so you can use she, her, etc. You can call me Kristen if
you want. That's the name that I would plan on using if and when I go through
with reassignment.
Also I guess sexual orientation is probably worth mentioning. I'd identify as
asexual and probably panromantic, but I definitely lead more to gynoromantic. So
in short I like girls.
More questions later when I get some time. If you have any questions, feel free
to PM me. Don't feel like your questions are stupid or whatever. It's something
that most people really don't know too much about (myself included), so even if
it seems like a stupid question, it probably isn't, so don't be afraid to ask.
Update: Jan 11th (written on Jan 3rd)
I guess as far as acceptance, it hasn't really been much of a problem so far. I've
only told people that I know, mainly my friends from the radio station that I
work at, people that are in my major, a few of my professors, my bandmates, my
parents, and two of my sisters. College campuses in this part of the country
tend to be very liberal, and even the more conservative people tend to be more
accepting of things than conservative people in other parts of the country.
If anything is emotionally draining, it's really just general anxiety on my
part. I'm just kind of... well, a bit nervous and a lot excited. It's a big
change and there will certainly be obstacles, but just the idea of being able
to really be myself is just... I don't know how to describe it.
Other than coming out, I really haven't done anything more than have a couple
of my girl friends dress me up twice. I'm kind of stressing a lot over whether
or not I should start presenting as female at school this semester. In someways
I feel that I'm over-thinking it because all I really have to do for now is
dress as a female (wearing female clothes as well as stuffing and tucking, but
I probably won't start wearing makeup yet because I realistically can't learn
that in such a short time) as well as behaving a bit more feminine.
I really haven't really talked extensively with my parents, but my mom is kind
of... it obviously really surprised her, which is certainly reasonable. I guess
her thing was it is that I've never acted particularly feminine, though this is
more because she has overlooked the feminine traits that I do display and is
unaware of the ones that I don't.
Of course, a big part of it is that it still is fairly new to her, since I only
came out to my parents on Oct 27th. In fact, I guess it's still very new to me.
I came out as "queer" to two of my friends on Sept 18, came out to
another friend as asexual/panromantic the next day (I kind of told him the
story of what had happened the previous day, because the circumstances were
quite humorous), and then I came out as trans to one of my professors that I
hang out with on the 21st.
I guess it was one of those things that I had sort of realized for a long time,
but I really never labeled myself as trans or even considered transitioning
until early last year. Even then, it's certainly something that I questioned
heavily, as do most people that are heteronormative in terms of sexual or
gender orientation. It's not like I was ever ashamed of it though. I had
already sort of gone through the same thing when I fully became aware in high
school that I was queer.
It really wasn't until I started coming out here on UG in August that I really
started to feel comfortable enough to come out in real life, and even then I
was still questioning it to some point. I began to really open up about it, it
really just started to feel "right" I guess. As that was happening, I
just started to feel a lot more comfortable with myself as a person. It's not
like I had hated myself prior to that, but more so that I was just very
apathetic about myself.
Another thing that I changed dramatically when I started coming out is that the
timeline for transitioning changed drastically. Even a month or so after coming
out I still didn't feel like I wanted to or even could deal with transitioning
for at least a few years. I guess I could say the same about telling my
parents. But the more I started to talk about it, the more I
"discovered" myself and now I not only feel that I want to transition
as soon as possible, to the point that I can't really stand not transitioning
soon.
Written Jan 11th
Since Jan 3rd, I've basically made up my mind that I would like to start presenting
as female this semester (beginning Jan 14th). After a whole week of trying to
talk to my mom about it, I finally had a chance this morning. Let's just say it
could have gone better. The basic gist of the conversation:
You can't be transgendered at school."
"Well why not?"
"Because what are you going to do, be a transvestite? What are you going
to do, where dresses and stuff?"
"For now, sure."
"Well your dad isn't taking this well. I've talked to him about it a
little and he doesn't want anything to do with it. He's having a hard time with
it."
"And you don't think I am. This is something that's going to have a really
negative effect on me if I don't do it soon."
"Well what if you try it and it doesn't work?"
"It kind of has to. And it's not like I haven't thought about this. I've
talked about this a lot with all of my friends and they all support me."
"Well that's just a temporary thing. Of course they would say that. It's
not like they would just tell you that they're not going to support you. And
it's not like they've been supporting you for the last 21 years."
So I don't know. I have to talk to them about it some more. As far as what I'm
doing for the semester, it's like... I can't do it obviously, but at the same
time I've already decided that I'm going to do this now.
I guess for the time being I could leave stuff in the closet at the radio
station and go to school dressed as a boy. Then when I get to school, I can get
dressed up and do makeup and whatever, and then take it all off before my
parents pick me up.
I'll probably write more next week about how my week goes. I feel pretty good
about it. The one thing that I'm kind of... not sure about... is which bathroom
to use. I feel like I can't exactly use either. Apart from the general
awkwardness, one major problem is that I don't know if I would get in trouble
for using the girls' bathroom. I'm still legally male, so I couldn't possibly
get in trouble for using the boys' bathroom.
I've discussed this with the head of my school's disability department to she
if she could give me any answers, but the best that she could find are the
single handicap rooms where you can go in and lock the door to the bathroom. Even
then, which do I use? This is especially important if I am putting on or taking
off makeup in the bathroom.
Of course, if worse comes to worse, I can always ask a girl friend to go to the
bathroom with me, since that's a common enough behavior among girls.
January 17th
I said that I'd add something late in this week, so yeah. I've only been to
three classes so far, and I had the two professors (one of them teaches two of
my classes this semester) refer to me as Kristen. There were a few confused
looks. It also doesn't help that I haven't started dressing as a girl yet (not
like I'd be convincing anyway).
It was kind of weird in my class last night when my teacher went around the
room and had us all say our names just in case we didn't know everyone (there
were a few unfamiliar faces). Nobody really has said anything yet. I'm sure
that they really would feel too awkward to ask anyway.
One thing that was kind of weird was when I was exchanging contact information
with my project partner for that class was that moment when he asked how my
name was spelled. It's really something that I don't think about. I mean, I got
it right without really thinking about it, but it's something I hadn't thought
too much about.
My friend Bill had done that one time as well. He had just randomly asked me to
see if I could when prompted, and really I just sort of hesitated. But I didn't
this time so it's alright. I definitely have to practice that a bit.
The other thing that I can imagine would be similar is if I'm doing any sort of
official school business. Naturally, when I'm asked for my name, I still need
to use my legal first name. That's already awkward anyway though. And of course
their is the fact that I honestly don't know how to sign my name, but again,
for important stuff I'd be using my legal name anyway.
I'll probably give another update after another week or so. At this point I'm
hoping to give an update every week or two. Then again, I doubt anyone reads
this often anyway, so I doubt anyone is going to be anxiously waiting the next
update.
January 30th
Let's see... I've started dressing like a girl at school. It's weird. I don't
really look like a girl. I also don't have any tape for up there or down there,
so that makes it sort of weirder, but sort of less weird. I'll say one thing
though: leggings without tape doesn't leave much to the imagination...
Last night I went to the Q&A meeting (formerly the GSA). It was alright. There
isn't really too much to say. Afterward, a girl I know complimented me on my
penis. Like I said, not much is left to the imagination...
I also was hanging around with one of my friends who is trans, and his friend
that is also trans (also he president of Q&A) and his girlfriend. They gave
me some old clothes, so that's cool. My favorite is this scarf with the trans
colors. I'll get more pictures at some point, maybe even with makeup, taped
cleavage, and my penis tucked back between my legs.
That's about it.
February 18th
I figured that I would add something since it has been almost three weeks. Basically
stuff is pretty much the same as far as this stuff goes. I've started wearing
some of the frillier stuff out of what I was given, as well as a miniskirt and
a couple of minidresses. I've gotten a few looks here and there, which is kind
of funny.
I've went to a couple more Q&A meetings, but I'm probably going to stop
going regularly because honestly they are all kind of... I don't know, I guess
they are all sort of boring with the exception of a few. What's worse is that
two thirds of the meeting are devoted to playing games (I mean boring
"creative" games you would play at like... drama camp or something
that consist of imitating things and remembering people's names) and talking
about feelings. And honestly... these people don't really have interesting
feelings.
There are a few that I would want to hang out with more often though. Mainly
though (and I knew this before going) these things always attract the same kind
of people. It's really just not all that fun and I definitely feel completely
out of place. They are putting on their annual drag/talent show in a few weeks,
and I'm considering doing that though.
One thing that kind of sucks is that in my state, you are required to undergo
sexual reassignment surgery (SRS) in order to legally change gender by having
your birth certificate altered. Basically SRS is a fancy way of saying that
they "reconfigure" your genitalia to that which is typical of your
gender (so in my case I would have my testes removed and my penis would be
converted into a makeshift vagina.
Ew. As a non-operative transsexual, I really don't want to do something like
that at all. Unfortunately, this is required for changing gender legally, so I
have a bit of a problem.
There are other states where this can be done with just a court order, and in
Mississippi (of all places) changing your legal gender on your birth
certificate s as simple as going into some sort of state building and
requesting that they change it. I don't know much about changing birth
certificates and stuff like that though, so I don't know if I could just change
it in other state and be good to go.
Of course, the other thing that is important is hormonal replacement therapy
(HRT). I don't really know much about the formal process of starting that for
my state, though it probably will require going to therapy or something, which
I really don't want to do.
The way I see it, why do I need to talk to a therapist about this? As long as
I'm not having difficulty adapting to life or some stupid shit like that, what
would I have to talk to them about? Therapy is also very expensive. Of course,
HRT is expensive as well. I'm going to probably need insurance to help cover
it, so that might require some extra steps.
I have a friend that is FtM that is already doing hormones and stuff, so I'll probably ask him about it when next I see him.
I still haven't really talked to my parents about any of this since whenever,
so I guess I haven't made progress with that. Parents are stupid anyway.
One thing that I have started doing though is bringing home clothes with me in my backpack and wearing them to sleep. I don't know, it's kind of nice I guess.
That's all for today I guess.
March 10th
So it's been a few weeks. A lot has happened I guess. First of all, a lot of stress and bullshit regarding stuff at home and at the radio station. That's not really the point of this though, so I won't really talk about that.
Let's see... I have been feeling kind of bad lately I guess. I don't know, I guess I just kind of feel very unsure about all of this. I mean, I', very comfortable with my gender identity: I'm female inside, and that's all there is to it. I really enjoy dressing up in girl clothes and I'm very comfortable with that.
Here's the thing though: I'm not really sure at this point that I couldn't be happy living as male for the rest of my life. It's one of those things where there is so much to consider. Sometimes I feel like it's more effort than it's really worth. Sometimes I feel that, well... I know who I am on the inside, and maybe that's enough for me.
But then sometimes I feel... Maybe I'm only content for the moment because of how exciting this semester has been in this aspect. When I first started coming out to people, I felt content in that way, like I didn't have to transition and could be happy just knowing who I am and having people that I care about know who I am. After a while though, I started to feel almost as if that simply wasn't enough.
Maybe I'm just going through another patch where I feel content. Maybe I'll never really be content. I feel that, to some extent, I have an idealized version of myself as a woman that is simply not possible. I feel like maybe even if I go through with everything, I won't be where I want to be.
I don't really know at this point. It's one of those things where I'll figure it out with time, but it's just very frustrating not knowing now. I suppose that there's not much to do with that. When I know I'll know, and that's all there is to it.
Another thing that has been kind of getting to me is that in the trans community, there are a lot of transwomen that aren't completely accepting of non-ops, as if we are somehow less of a female, and someone that wants to be a transsexual and not a real woman. I don't even know how that makes any sense, when a huge aspect of transgenderism is a rejection of cultural norms and social gender roles. I don't know. Bitches be crazy, I guess.
Hormones. It would actually be super easy to get on hormones. But until I decide that I really want to fully transition, it's not really such a great idea to start taking them. At least that's how I feel. Honestly... the one thing about hormones that I'm kind of nervous about is that my penis might get smaller.
I don't know, I just really don't want that. I read all kinds of different things. For some, it shrinks drastically; for others, it barely shrinks at all. Some people say that masturbating frequently causes it to shrink less. Another thing to consider is the option of taking just female hormone supplements but not male hormone inhibitors.
Actually, I went to lunch with a friend of mine that is FtM on Thursday, and he is kind of feeling the same way about his situation. It's nice to have people to go through this stuff with.
Other than that, the only other thing (that's somewhat related) is that I've finally decided to start uploading weird stuff on my deviantART page. It's all just vore-related crossdressing pictures.
For those of you that don't know what vore is, it's a fetish that involves arousal from the idea of one being devouring another, usually by swallowing them alive. In other words, people are actually turned on by the idea of either eating someone else or being eaten. There are a lot of different fantasies that people have. I like the idea of swallowing somebody (probably a cute guy or girl) whole and alive and then having them completely inside of my belly.
That's kind of weird, I know. Honestly, I don't know why that appeals to me, but it does. Of course, it's obviously not possible to do that in real life (and even if I could do it, I wouldn't for obvious reasons), so the only ways to really do anything are roleplaying and artwork.
So basically I've been uploading artwork that I've made by editing self portraits in GIMP. It's really weird stuff, but I enjoy it. The thing is... there are a lot of really perverted weirdos on deviantART. I mean, it's fetish-based artwork, so it's to be expected, but it's still kind of weird. I get all kinds of comments from people about how much they would love to be in my belly. It's kind of weird, but kind of cute, and honestly, it makes me feel super sexy.
I suppose if anyone actually cared, I could link them to my gallery, but it really wouldn't have much appeal unless you are into that sort of thing. Also you can't view pictures marked as having "mature content" without being registered, so I would have to link to the pictures directly.
Anyway, that seems like a decent enough entry for today. Until next time...
March 11th
Today I went around with boobies for the first time, which consisted of me stuffing a couple of scarves under my top. It looks pretty goofy.
Also I'm participating in the Q&A's annual drag show tomorrow night.
aCloudConnected - jetfuel495 fanboy, likes anime Acϵ♠ - he fucks strippers aig91 - plays organ and likes hippie music ali.guitarkid7 - he's from Syria AllJudasPriest - she's weird but kind of a milf and very nice Andrea55 - really nice, but sort of an attention whore angusfan16 - his name is actually anusfan Arby911 - he's like 78 years old Banjocal - he is Ab Minor Basti95 - an Italian guy named Basil behind_you - he's an ostrich IRL BlackLuster - signs his posts with Ashley or BL and a dancey smilie blake1221 - smarter than the average frog, likes mediocre hardcore bloodtrocuted93 - smokes Satan and worships crack bradulator - he likes mediocre indie bands, he's really Josh Peck Burgery - he's from Iceland Butt Rayge - he's from Australia and likes Immortal byob_soad2 - generic Anime thread regular captaincrunk - likes making dubstep and misses obvious sarcasm ChadLikesGuitar - his name is actually Steve, and he doesn't like guitar chaoticfables - Asian guy who likes Yu-Gi-Oh! ChemicalFire - he likes Spiderman and hardcore ChucklesMginty- he's afraid to leave his own house Coagulation - he is Jackal58's son and makes monsters Codemonk - he's like 88 years old CoreysMonster - fellates Devin Townsend endlessly, makes some bad threads Crazyedd123 - he likes King Crimson CrossBack7 - he never made his parents proud
damian91 - he likes Rings of Saturn and math dash49 - draws really cool pictures and stuff daytripper75 - he likes pirates and stuff Deadlock Riff - he always answers his PMs, and likes Tyranitar deathdrummer - he's an Australian Aboriginal and wears a mask devourke - he's a Kiwi and stuff DimebagLivesOn - generic Anime thread regular Dirge Humani - acts really aggressive but is actually a really nice guy secretly DonGlover - he loves dongs and Canada Dreadnaught - former super mod, made tons of drunk threads due_07 - loves communism and bands that are terrible at their instruments Duffman123 - he actually is Duffman IRL, or else he isn't, I can't remember which Eggmond - he has permission from Zappp to boss around the mods element4433 - the Fred Jones of moderators, has a bizarre mask fetish entity0000009 - he plays weird post metal Eric_Fail - he beats up tourists and kicks bicycles, doesn't know geography ErikLensherr - he's due 07's father ethan_hanus - super conservative Christian who hates abortion and science FassaAlbrecht - she was permabanned, but she was awful and loved Rush Fat Lard - he is Brak FireHawk - he helps me keep the Keyboard Thread alive (barely) GaryBillington - he registered in 2001 genghisgandhi - he's an anteater that plays didgeridoo Gibson_SG_uzr55 - loves crappy hardcore like These Hearts, TBTB, DtS, AA!, BMTH, etc goest - I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together Guitar0player - he likes dressing up like a cute girl GuitarGod_92 - generic Anime thread regular guitarxo - loves cats and food, she was eaten by a snake Harmonius - loves food and food HelpTravesty - he begs strangers for pizza Holy Katana - likes anime and synthesizers horsedick.mpeg - loves white bitches hridayhazarika - he's from India and likes Tom Waits and Anaal Nathrakh Ian_the_fox - has the fastest paws on UG icesk8erqueen8 - loves Nazis and the Aryan race Ichikurosaki - generic Anime thread regular ilikepirates - she also likes pandas Irish_Punk13 - dickrides Nick Cave and Tom Waits like nobody's business isabiggles - a large aquatic bear izbbass - he's from the bad part of Connecticut Jack Off Jill - he's a real funny guy Jackal58 - he's like 108 years old JackalUK - he likes computers and stuff jakesmellspoo - he likes punk jani92jani - claims he loves classical music, but only likes Mozart and Beethoven JayT44 - he likes basketball and he's like 12 but still a mod JDawg - registered August 2001 (though his join date says Nov 2001) jetfuel495 - best mod, obsessed with Brian Fallon, Rei, and Gundams jewchords - loves incest, peeing, and pooping, nobody remembers his real username jgbsmith - he built his own synthesizer jimmyled - he likes drugs JohnnyGenzale - from Göteborg but does not like melodeath, likes Bob Dylan Jon777 - loves Opeth and ATLA, especially Uncle Iroh jrcsgtpeppers - likes mediocre indie music JustRooster - he is an army medic and used to have a purple title K'Nuckles - he thinks he never needs to tune his guitar because it has a locking nut kelly22 - occasionally posts threads full of scat porn kensai - old Swedish guy that died in a train accident, mods post for him KTFM - lives in Adelaide... eeewww Kumanji - super communist, but pretty clueless and a total nutcase laid-to-waste - weird guy that loves Freud Life Is Brutal - listens to wanky tech death and makes ambient music losing battle - Andrea55 wannabe LostLegion - he has a weird fascination with potted plants Mack56 - comic sans! MakinLattes - lives in Oregon and likes math and being drawn nude metal4eva_22 - he used to be Scyther but now he's a pony MH400 - worst thread starter ever, generally useless Minkaro - he's some sort of animal, maybe an otter Mistress_Ibanez - super feminazi, permanently stuck in PMS mode Momentosis - generic Anime thread regular Morphogenesis26 - he likes Trivium and looks sort of like a guy I know IRL moscaespañol - likes stoner metal Mudmen190 - he likes Metroid muffinduck01 - he likes Metroid and has man boobs MusicMan24 - the Packers lost lololol neidnarb11890 - likes bands that can't play their instruments well Nelsean - he has a weird towel fetish and he just got married niejel - runs a monthly contest that people don't care about anymore Nomack - he is Barack Obama NothingRocks - EverythingSucks, likes traps and shred ometh - he likes brutal death metal and doesn't like black people padgea7x - he quotes his own posts but only posts in the Soccer thread now Pagan_Poetry - likes Bjork and makes funny posts in the Columns palm mute - likes doom metal Paraffinity - fellates Jack White Pat_s1t - he's from Canada and likes BTBAM PaulyVengeance - draws bags full of dicks Philip_pepper - he sat at the Stupid Table in first grade Primus2112 - loves It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia primusfan - he likes jazz and used to be a mod Random3 - dickrides Dream Theater and hates pop music RU_Experienced? - obsessed with old music and dicks, an upstanding citizen sadSTATUE - she likes checkered pattern things and ska Saint78 - vandalizes stuff in Walmart for fun, complains a lot, has bad tone sam b - he's actually English, but lives in Finland and likes soccer Scowmoo - he has a bunch of pet wolves SexyLikeAPig - I used to live inside of his belly sfaune92 - he says he's Norwegian, but can't be since he doesn't like black metal SheKILaDZE - he talks like a whale Shmeegle - an Irish guy that used to like goregrind shredibanez24 - he is Slater Skullivan - he's fat and likes Queen skylerjames13 - gets butthurt when people make fun of people SlackerBabbath - He's like 78 years old and knows everything and also paints Slash - he abandoned us like an asshole SlayingDragons - his name is Claus and he lives in Antarctica slipknot5678 - he's a bird in real lifek smartguyreviews - his name is Alexander John Dragonetti Snowman388 - he lives in China but isn't Chinese, also a snowman spanishyanez - he's got a really cool voice stepco12345 - he likes wrestling StewieSwan - he loves Asian stuff and plays Asian instruments T00DEEPBLUE - generic MLP thread regular theguitarist - likes to edit people's posts sometimes for lulz, makes cookies TheMadcap - used to make great threads, now he tries way too hard theogonia777 - weird tranny chick that plays banjo and eats people TheReverend247 - pushover mod, obsessed with jetfuel495 and blake1221 The_Casinator - freaky deaky Dutch bastard Thrashtastic15 - gets butthurt when you say bad things about hockey and syrup Thrill-house - really cool guy tortilla - stupid stoner who posts the way Stevie Kenarban talks Trowzaa - u wot m8 TrueAmerican - got permabanned for calling Carmel a bitch, but still relevant Twist of fate - the next Rebecca Black, approves of kissing your 2nd cousin UnionJake - also permabanned, but he circlejerked to The Prestige one time UntilISleep - he is secretly Bobby Hill Vendetta V - he's like Buckethead but lives in the ACCP (aah ess ess err) Victory2134 - generic Anime thread regular VillainousLatin - he's from Puerto Rico WCPhils - he's from Philly and dickrides all things Philly and A7X WholeLottaIzzy - he has tits in his avatar Whoomit - gets really drunk and posts hilarious drunk threads willT08 - makes electronic music with Cubase, plays ukulele Wolfinator-x - obsessed with Espeon and hair metal Xiaoxi - typical Asian kid that loves scales, modes, and Chopin yoman297 - his name makes me think of the yeoman from the Canterbury Tales zgr0826 - loves St Anger, wrestling, and the Amish Zombee - he used to be Sokka Zoot_Allures - dickrides Nick Cave and Tom Waits like nobody's business
And that's pretty much the Pit. A few of the users I mentioned have
been permabanned, but I still include them because they are still
somewhat relevant.
If anyone don't see their name, it's because I haven't gotten to them or because I don't really know anything about them.
This sometimes comes up in the forums, so I figured I'd make a blog so that way I can direct people here or just copy and paste it.
Now, before I explain, I'll make an analogy. Everyone likes cheeseburgers, right? Right. Anyone that doesn't like cheeseburgers is a tree stump and not a person as far as I am concerned. So everyone likes cheeseburgers.
So let's say that you go to your favorite restaurant. You order a cheeseburger, with 1/2 lb of medium-rare beef, bacon, cheddar, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, etc. The works. And so you get it. It looks great. You take a bite. At first, it's great, but something is not quite right. You take another bite. At this point, you know that something is definitely wrong here. So you take off that top half of the bun, and...
What the fuck!? The burger patty... is no more than an ounce of beef, if that. And to make matters worse, it's fucking well-done. FUCKING WELL-DONE! And without any cheese! Again, what the fuck!?
This isn't a cheeseburger. This is like... a BLT with a lump of charcoal. Now, there's nothing wrong with a BLT, but if I wanted one, I would have ordered one! And I most certainly did not order a BLT. But you've still got that ounce of... I don't know what... on there.
I was promised an 8 oz cheeseburger, and clearly that is not what I received. Listening to Nightwish is the same. I am being promised quality metal, but that is clearly not what I'm getting. The metal elements are so generic and watered down, they are almost non-existent. I don't even know if you can call it metal. It's more like pop music with distorted guitars.
And speaking of pop music, the production of their albums completely kills pretty much anything they had. Just like the disappointingly small 1 oz patty in the burger, which (because it was well-done) had all chances of it being decent brutally ripped away, the completely over-done production here does the same. That is certainly not how a metal album should sound, production-wise. Now Tomb of the Mutilated or Effigy of The Forgotten are perfect examples of what a metal album should sound like.
I'll probably add more to this at a later point, but for now I have to go and get my pizza out of the oven before it is burnt to fucking ashes.
Let’s face it:stuff is
awesome.Cheeseburgers are awesome.Sweet guitar licks are awesome.Hot chicks are awesome.There are lots of awesome things out there.But out of all the awesome things in the
world, surely one has to be the most awesome of them all.Many have long debated what this very
pinnacle of awesomeness is, but there is only one thing in the world that can
conclusively be deemed the most awesome thing in the world.And that thing is…
Cannibal Corpse!
But there are some very important questions that Cannibal
Corpse’s unrivaled awesomeness raises:Why is Cannibal Corpse so awesome?Where did they come from?Who are
they?Why am I asking you all these questions?Fear not!For here and now, for the first time ever, I shall reveal… the true origin
of Cannibal Corpse!Keep reading, and
all your questions will be answered!
Now, in order to understand the roots of these legendary
musical geniuses, we need a little background information on their place of
origin, Buffalo, New York.Buffalo, New
York is located about 11 minutes away from the Canadian border, and so it’s
pretty far up north.Naturally, it’s
very cold in Buffalo, about as cold as most of Canada.But because it’s not Canada, the people of
Buffalo are not as silly and happy-go-lucky as Canadians.When you consider that Buffalo sports teams
have not won a championship in over 200 years, these factors add up to one
thing:life in Buffalo, New York is boring.There is nothing to do in Buffalo,
save for one small thing.While Buffalo
may just be one of the worst parts of this great country, they are also
responsible for the second most awesome thing ever (behind only Cannibal Corpse
themselves): Buffalo wings.
Buffalo wings were invented circa 1669 through a joint effort between
the native Iroquois Indians who lived there and the English pioneers.The Indians provided the spicy, flavorful
cayenne-and-vinegar based sauce, and the pioneers contributed the chicken
wings.Together, they created something
that put Buffalo on the map, literally.The entire city was created solely for the production of Buffalo wings,
which is where the city gets its name from.To this day, the manufacturing and exportation of Buffalo wings make up
over 90% of the city’s economy.Naturally,
this means that the diets of people living in Buffalo also consist of over 90%
Buffalo wings.The problem here is that
spicy food is a leading cause of insanity.From firsthand experience, I can confirm this.I mean, I put hot sauce on everything, and
I’m just plain nutty!
But what exactly does this have
to do with Cannibal Corpse?Everything,
of course!Being from Buffalo and
therefore being exposed to Buffalo wings almost 24/7 had caused the brave
trailblazers that would go on to form the band to become completely insane by
1978.This dangerously high level of
insanity coupled with massive amounts of boredom would forever change the face
of death metal forever!
And so the original members, being more bored than usual as a
result of the Buffalo Bills failing to make the playoffs due to another 0-16
season therefore resulting in nothing to watch on TV on that cold January
weekend, assembled together in a basement and started to jam on some AC/DC tunes
the only tune AC/DC ever wrote. These
members were lead guitarist Jack “Ripper” Owens (not to be confused with his
cousin Tim “Ripper” Owens), rhythm guitarist Rob Barrett (nephew of former Pink
Floyd singer and guitarist Syd Barrett), bassist Alex Webster (great-grandson
of Merriam Webster, author of Webster’s dictionary), drummer Paul Meserkawitz
(he’s not related to anyone), and vocalist Chris Barnes.
So they started jamming on that one riff (the same one AC/DC
plays for the length of each album).It
was pretty neat, except there was one little probable:only Chris Barnes likes AC/DC.So after a bit of arguing, they decided to
try doing of cover of Judas Priest’s song “Breaking the Law.”It too was pretty neat, except once again
there was one little problem:Chris
Barnes was incapable of hitting any notes over low Z, thus making Judas Priest
covers impractical.This problem was
quickly remedied by tuning the guitars down to Drop-Z tuning to accommodate
Chris Barnes’s vocal range.
With the new lower tuned guitars, our heroes realized that
their riffs were at least 2 5/8 times heavier than previously, therefore making
the riffs sound really cool.The
fearsome combination of Chris Barnes’s vocals and the super heavy guitar riffs
was augmented by the addition of a brand new drumming style courtesy of Paul
Moserkiwits:the “hit the snare and bass
drums as fast as you can a bunch of times in a row” style, called “blast beats”
for short (this name is believed to be derived from Paul Muzurcawex yelling
“Blast!” when he realized that he didn’t actually know how to play drums,
resulting in the creation of this new drum pattern).
Having developed a signature sound, the band decided that they
needed a name.They decided that since
Alex Webster was the heir to the Webster Dictionary legacy, and more
importantly because he was the bassist and therefore didn’t really contribute
anything else to the band, it was fitting that he created a name.Naturally, he did what all great men do when
they need to figure out a name:choose
random words from the dictionary, which were “Bifocal” and “Refurbish.”Unfortunately, these words were terrible, so
through half an hour of running the words through different languages on Google
Translate Alex Webster eventually ended up with “Cannibal Corpse.”
Now with both a name and a sound, Cannibal Corpse was ready to
conquer the world and rock people’s socks off…
This is something that has long mystified many people, so I shall now explain to you where babies come from.
When a boy and a girl love each other, sometimes they decide that they want a baby. So they head up to a private place (usually their bedroom). They get naked and get under the blankets. That's where step one happens: paperwork. In order to receive a baby from the baby factory, the mommy and daddy have to fill out the necessary forms.
A private place and relaxing music are usually chosen to make this stressful and important process much less frustrating. The parents need to take off their clothes so they can get accurate pictures to submit with the forms in order for the baby to be made properly. Sometimes when a couple knows just what they are doing, they are able to fill out the paperwork in less than 10 minutes. Sometimes they take more time to choose things carefully.
When they finish, they send the completed forms off to the baby factory. The factory is very busy, so it will likely take awhile for them to start the order. For the time being, the soon-to-be parents can only prepare for the baby. For the future daddy, this involves selling all of his nice things in order to pay for the baby and clearing a space for it.
For the future mommy, it is a bit more complicated. When the new baby finally arrives, the mommy will have to eat it whole. To prepare to have such a large item in her belly, she must begin to stuff it full of food. This is why expecting mothers are always eating. They need to stretch their bellies gradually to fit the baby inside.
Meanwhile, the factory will eventually begin to process the paperwork. A team of specially trained storks will select the right components for the baby based off of a combination of the parents' request, the pictures of the parents, and what is available at the time. Due to the large number of requests for babies, the highest quality components are often used up quickly, so the production team has to make do with what is available.
After the baby has been designed and built, a delivery stork prepares it for delivery. The stork flies the baby to the parents' house in the middle of the night. The mommy must then eat the baby. Since she has been stuffing her belly as full as possible in the last few months, she will now be able to fit the baby inside. Once inside its mother's stomach, her digestive juices will kill off any germs that the baby may have picked up during manufacturing or delivery. For this reason, the baby is treated with special chemicals to prevent the mother's stomach from accidentally digesting the baby.
For the last bit of time, the baby works its way through the mother's body. Eventually, it will get to the end. At this time, the parents will go to the hospital. Once there, the mommy will poop out the baby, all ready for the world.
There are several things that could have gone wrong though. The order form can be filled out incorrectly or lost, the storks might select faulty components, the baby might be put together wrong, the baby not might be properly treated to handle the mother's digestive juices, etc. All of these problems can result in complications, but with the help of modern technology the factory can run more efficiently and problems can be prevented.
I've noticed people keep reading it as "the ogonia." But my username is one word, theogonia. It was the name of a band I founded and played in a few years back. We got the name from the Rotting Christ album of the same name, which in turn is named after the Greek epic Θεογονία (Theogonía, usually romanized as Theogony), which tells of the origin of the gods (the name in fact means "Birth of the Gods" or something to that effect). O(o)gonia on the other hand are immature ova. That would be a weird thing to make a username for.
Since there are tons of threads asking for band names, I've decided to compile a list of all my responses. Feel free to use any of them. Most of them are ones I just made up, but a few are inside jokes with friends or just random phrases that people I know have said that I thought would fit in here. Also I'm there's bound to be some bands out there that use at least handful of these names already, but I don't really care.
Train Wreck (cause you just chug along until you breakdown) Megadeath (problem Dave Mustaine?) Lars and the Ulrichs Gored by a Bison Putrefied Puppies The Terrorists Iron *insert animal name* Fuck Subtlety Team Skullfuck The Tree Killers Angry White Kids Squirrel Chasers The Barnacleheads 69 P.O.O.P March of the Aprils Captain Ridiculous Smokey and the Arsonists The Planeteers Propane Dizzy and the Gillespies Chocolate Thieves The Planks Cunt The Band Bones of the Bishop The New Jersey Boys A Modest Proposal Carnival of Doom The Ghost of Captain Cutler Subzero The Antigravity Lads Smacked in the Face Pseudo Intellectuals Bactrian Camel The Lava Lamps Skull Squisher The Hippest Hipsters The Unoriginal Names Smelting Salt Mola mola Beethoven's Hacksaw Sawtooth Cecil LFO The Seaborgs Norse the Band Thoroughly Confuzzled The Lake Monsters Sloth Bear The Moderators Fun with Magick Penguin Factory Popsicle Lickers Sex Farm The School of Hard Socks Jerome and the Frogs Raw Nerve Han and the Solos The Raptor Jesus Experience Kung Fu Fighters The Ugly Ducklings Brain Damage I Used Jeigan and Lost King Fear Slipshod Slanderous Rhinoceros Mystery Ink Cars Go Fast Roots of Angst Dog Shit The Drunk Raccoons Pissed Off SARS Ulrich Albino Black People King Kobra The Communists Chateau Du Pain Bach's Last Fugue Chicago Typewriter Striker Z The B42's Ditch Digger Guy Montag is My Hero Bill Nye and the Science Guys The Clam Burglars Fishface Squeezable Entrails Horse Glue The Homonyms Taking Out the Trash Life Sucks Supersized Agent Steve Flank Steak Orphanage Fire My Friends are all Dead Pulpless Orange Juice Vitamin Fist Junk Mail Dinosaur Sr Funkface The Cow Pies I Am Error Your New Overlords Pizza Planet The Cave Trolls The Legend of Spam-A-Lot Choking on Coke Random Words That Don't Mean Anything The Adbots Thunderfuck
The Dick Cheney Experience
Space Goats
The Wombats
No More Mr Nice Guy
Face Smasher
Gigadeth
The Purple Elephants
Ash and the Ketchums
Staircase Abortion
Green Slime
Stiletto Brothers
The Kvlt
Shiny
Roid Rage
Larry and the Plumbers
Puppet Master
Goatballs
Conway the Contaminationist
Quantum Overload
Anticosmic Goats
Shitfuck Band of Goats
Goat the Band
Goatfuck
The Goats Megazord Spurious Correlation Moderately Successful Dr Kelp The Pizza Delivery Boys A Day in the Knife The Pickleweasles Hipster Jim Fire Blast Salty Sam Scramasax
Citizen Pain
Robot Descartes
Calling All Creeps
The Class Presidents
Zombie School Ursus arctos
Glaive Robber
The Dinklebergs
Ghosts of Fear Street
The Jason Lee Scott Experience
Sidewalk Surfers
Metal Mouth
Shady Shoals
Spastic Discharge
Fetid Flamingo
Brigandine
Brigantine
Windjammer
Wilde Jagd
Oskoreia
A Flock of Beagles
Double Dare
Taphophobia
Rancid Raccoon Monster Blood The Rutabaga Ruffians Prancing In The Meadow The Fear of Mice Johnny Ne'er-Do-Well Flippy The Duck Rapist Goldfish Mess Second Rate Fiddlers Froggy Funeral Storm The Castle Brie and the Cheese Thieves
The Minor Seconds
Scene Kidz Wit Attitude
Swine Flu
Our Parents don't Care about Us
The Miss Piggy Experience
Squeeeeeeee The Ranting Swedes The Finnish Lasts Malboro Candles Nymphomaniacal Psycho Bitches The Longest Winter Gamma Ray Gary Uncle Snort and The Moose Those Damn Conspirators The Health Inspectors Roast Beast The Musicians Famous Last Words The Nematodes More Of The Same Kings Of Carnage Tonberry Turnips Friction Purple Platypus Bears Octopodes From Saturn Spatula City Hardworking Comrades Rhyme and Punishment Lolly and the Poopdecks Fatal Flaw Cool Story and the Bros Pony Massacre Agitating the Graveler Faulty to a Fault Frogmen The Badgermoles Flimsy Cardboard Houses We Destroy Things With Things Drunk Divers Trap Happy Leave All Ropes Revival of The Fittest The Strat Burglars Inhumanely Euthanized Large and In Charge Thunder Buster and The Wet Stuff Smirkwood Forest Chunky Puffs SS Disaster Wormbait Wisteria Wizards Crimson Crater
Byzantium Bison
Viridian Viper
Glaucous Glare
Sepia Sepulcher
Turquoise Tortoise Oodles of Whangdoodles Puppy Erasers Jerry Went to Canada Snozberry Poptarts iFap 2 iCarly The Stupid Assholes From Bad to Offal Mediocre Clarinet Players The Hash Slinging Slashers Slamburger Jennifer Souffle Contemporary Conifers Don't Ask, Don't Care The Curse of Evil Tim Robot Rebel Ranch The Mega Muntjacs Magnus The Magnificent Modern Monsters Dope Opera Burnt to a Crisp Hooked on Mnemonics Maxwell and The Mechanical Marvels Swimming For Ocean Shells Coyote Cookout Tons of Guns The Smoking Hun Cunt of The Litter Luck of the Claw Righty Rick and The Lefty Lepers Severely Severed Recently Released Sheer Cold DJ Tanner Ferris Bueller's Way Off Streaking Duck Fucked Tape Fettle of Honor The Lone Lemon A Pirate's Knife For Me Spontaneous Dolphin Combustion Canadian Leptons Captain Fathead Robot E. Lee Teddy Treebark Marty Mailbox Cockroach Country Rowdy Rhombuses The Spectacular Specters Queefcase Puppet Pornography Keister Bunny A Very Big Mess Tragic Johnson Artichoke Syrup Soup LARPers Faerie Andrea Yates is a MILF Bastard Squad
