I stood there looking out at the
crowd from the inside curtain. I was counting down the performances before I
went on and quite frankly I was terrified. Five hundred pairs of eyes, a
fraction of which I actually cared about. Five hundred pairs of ears, none of
which have ever heard me perform before.
Not really sure what possessed me to
try out. Really. I had no confidence, and what is a years worth of playing
experience going to do onstage, anyway? Yeah, sure, it was easy. But at that
point, I wasn't used to it. I had no idea what was to come afterward. A certain
amount of acceptance, and the love from my classmates that I would probably
have never achieved otherwise.
Had this moment never occurred, I
probably wouldn’t be who I am now. I probably would’ve never been the songwriter
in a ska band, that, had none of this ever happened, probably wouldn’t exist.
People would’ve have known me for anything, and admittedly, I don’t look for
acceptance, but the fact that I had managed to start making a name for myself,
Ever since, the song always had a
bit of more meaning to me. Not least of which had to do with the person I had
played it for still has no idea to this day. But now, it has this kind of
connection to the past, which lately, I’ve been missing. Sure it was cheesy.
But I’m secretly a cheesy person.
It was me and the Asian clan. I’m
not being racist, I swear, everyone was Asian except for me and this guy that
everyone always got along with. Can’t remember whose birthday it was, or whatever
we were celebrating. No wait, it wasn’t a birthday. Maybe. I don’t know. Well,
all I know is we were going back to school in about two hours time for the
orchestra concert. So we all went to her house and ate all her food. And
karaoke. Is anyone fucking surprised? But my love for the Beatles got me the
top score. Which allowed me to maintain my belief that you can never go wrong
with Yellow Submarine.
We got together every once in a
while. Before school, sometimes after school. Just to hang out, because who the
hell knows what was going to happen after high school. But at the time, we weren't thinking about
that. We were thinking about seeing bad horror movies, or do a group chorus of
We Will Rock you for absolutely no score whatsoever, or to make up new
identities, because we just weren’t that cool in real life. This group no
longer exists. These memories only exist in the minds of who still don’t mind
keeping these associations. Mostly me, because as it would seem today, these
inseparable bonds between them have been shattered and lost.
We were just lying there staring at
the sky, listening to Blackbird and who knows what else, halfway between
somewhere and somewhere else. Kind of a real life purgatory, only to get to
either heaven or hell we ran the risk of getting picked up and sent to a worse
hell than we could really imagine at that point in time: our parents. The three
of us were fed up, and just plain exhausted, tired of the system, tired of
being force-fed what we knew we’d never use. A sad form of teenage rebellion,
when we knew the next day we’d be too afraid to just walk away again, for fear
of getting caught, and for fear of losing our so called chances at a future.
It was relaxing, this short little
one-day break. To just be where no one would find us, and even if they did,
they wouldn’t care, because they were probably doing the same thing. But it
started out much less meditative. We had already run the risk of getting
caught, having already been searched, and barely escaping having to speak to
the police about a stolen something-or-other, who would be damn well informed
of school being in session. Luck was on our side that day.
She probably wouldn’t remember it. Then
again, she since then she won’t even associate with either of us. I know he
does, we happen to have been talking about it yesterday. But probably not as
vividly, at least not now. He’s got better things to think about these days.
just ended. At this point I don’t remember when we met up, but she was
such a bad influence on me, damn it. And the weird thing was, unlike some of
the night, I wasn’t feeling like a total third wheel. Her boyfriend was the one
to follow US around Baltimore at one o’clock in the morning, looking for food,
in heels and fancy ass dresses.
approaching our destination, that is, Hard Rock Café, I was met with the live
version of TNT, and assuming that meant they were open, that song had never
sounded so good. But alas, of course it was only the bar. And we left,
disappointed, and disgruntled, finding ourselves, fifteen minutes later,
somewhere that just plain wouldn’t serve us. Long story short, after debating
who that random guy was calling hot and a rather amusing phone fiasco, typical
us, we ended up back at the hotel watching Law and Order on the lobby couch
it was somewhere during walking around Baltimore in five inch heels where I realized…
there really never was a dull moment.
months late. I realize. Hell, it’s been a month just writing it, because I
couldn’t come up with the right words. I’ve been doing way too much reminiscing
for someone only nine months out of high school. Probably just because I like
to think of the time before I actually realized I fucked up.
"This may never start.
We could fall apart.
And I'd be your memory."