sadSTATUE

I'm overdue for a blog entry. I got lots of time, so let's see where this goes

~

I'm an odd person.

I've come to know and accept that.

For many reasons.

I have my quirks and flaws.

It's hard coming to terms with yourself.

It's hard accepting who you've become in the years you've been alive.

And God... it's hard accepting the reality. The truth of who you are and where you're going.

~

Take one person in your life, that means a lot to you.

Not family or anything. Someone you've met over the course of your life that you care about. A close friend. Someone you tell everything to.

Friends fade, but I want this person to be someone that has stood the test of time, for you. Since they've known you.

Now imagine this.

You never met that person.

Who would you be?

How drastically different would you be?

Well, I guess, this question is a bit dependent on how personally independent you are. If you don't have that, for lack of a better word, attachment, and lack a lot of influence from this person, this won't apply to you. But I'm pretty sure everyone has someone. Well... Had or has. People leave, find something better. Like I said, friends fade...

~

I talk about the future a lot.

But I think about the past a lot more. I only just realized this, to be honest.

I mean, it's a scary thought.

I'm truly a different person than I was a year ago, let alone three years ago, when I started high school, and twelve years ago when I started school in and of itself.

This is a good thing.

This is a bad thing.

~

When I was younger, I thought I knew everything. I could never fail. I was the little fat kid that thought everyone was my friend. I was oversensitive, and to be honest, a bit of a goody-two-shoes. I cared about my grades. I had semi-realistic hopes. But I'm not even mentioning the fact that I had terrible taste in music.

Do I miss those days?

Sometimes. But I regret much of who I was, so that I don't miss it all that much.

But I don't see that person anymore.

I know I don't know everything. I'm told this nearly every day of my life. I fail at something on a regular basis. And as my chubbiness disappeared, also disappeared the notion that I could get along with everyone. Some of that notion remains, slightly. I've never truly made an enemy. But that's probably because I've learned to stay out out of everyone else's business. I let things roll off my shoulder. I have a set point at which my emotions tend to stay. After every high point, and every low point, I return to this slightly negative, but more or less neutral, emotional state. My grades in school aren't terrible, but if I got them in say, third grade, I would've died. Unfortunately, that's given others higher expectations of me, and for that I'm sorry to have to disappoint. And I've gone backwards in my hopes and dreams. Now is the point in my life where I've decided to be unrealistic. But I don't care, if there's one trait I've kept for my entire life, it's unnecessary determination.

~

Who was she?

That girl in that old picture?

I pass by her old house every day.

Every once in a while, I see her old schools.

Admittedly never one of the cute kids. But she was smart.

She was ahead of herself as far as academics went.

What happened to her?

I'm not sure.

I think she passed away.

It was a slow death.

Not sad, really. Everyone was tired of her.

She made too many mistakes, by not making any.

She spent too much time being “smart”.

But really now.

She never knew what she was talking about.

She isn't missed. Really. They didn't even have a funeral. Her memory lives on, but only in the hearts of few. The people that really knew her. But they were the people that changed her. They killed her in a merciful death. She needed it.

Why, though?

She wasn't who she wanted to be.

She never liked herself.

She never knew as much as she thought she did.

She regretted too much.

And later on, she wouldn't let some of it go.

She got replaced, by someone similar. But at least this other person sees SOME good in herself, although admittedly, the only reason she sees it is because of what others tell her.

~

“Let this be the end.
Let this be the last song.
Let this be the end.
Let all be forgiven.”

One day in your life, you have to come to terms with yourself. Who you were, who you've become. And eventually, who you will be. There's nothing I can do, really, about the past. No point in holding grudges. I never do, but a grudge against yourself is kind of pointless. You have to forgive yourself (and other people, obviously) at times, at the end of an “era” in your life. I see that know.