sadSTATUE

Disclaimer:

I don't mean to complain.

Really. Sometimes I just get in these moods where I feel like writing about something that's on my mind. I'd rather have a bunch of strangers read it, with the occasional close friend that I direct to it, than everyone I'm friends with on, say Facebook or something. I like the semi-anonymity of UG. Read and comment if you like. If not, no problem. It's just a sort of outlet for me.

That being said, here I go again.

~

I guarantee you, you've had some kind of change in your life, and if you haven't, your life is boring, and you need to get out from under your rock. Well... maybe not. I don't know if I like or hate change.

Change brings out the undiagnosed bipolarity in me. There's a general formula about how this goes. If it's a change I choose to make, it generally results in contentedness, or indifference, depending on the outcome. If it's a change made for me by someone else, I hate to say it, but it generally results in sadness, anger, or a combination of the two. In both cases, I can bounce back. Things don't get to me. Probably my indifferent nature.

~

Big changes are like little white lies. See, when you have a little white lie, you say one, you have to say a million, just to keep your story straight. Big changes are similar. You make one big change, you have to follow up with all these little changes that end up rearranging your entire life.

~

I don’t deal with certain change well at all.

I’ve figured this out over the past six months.

I never had this problem before.

That’s probably because never, in my life, has changed occurred so rapidly, and so suddenly.

Change comes with little notice.

Change can kick your ass.

Change can cause you to lose sleep.

Change can cause the loss of opportunity, or the loss of everything you could've ever wanted, or what you thought you had.

Change can ruin you.

~

Ever wanted to be someone else? For just a day?

Be honest. No one is entirely satisfied with their life. It’s human nature. And if you do live completely satisfied, I want to be YOU.

Ever tried so hard to make things work, only to be shot down by some other source?

Ever had to live a lie?

Ever had to let things pass by that you knew were wrong, but couldn’t help but keep your mouth quiet?

Me?

I want to be someone else every day. The things I used to have, were taken in front of me, and I'll probably never get them back. I don't mean physical or material things, I mean other kinds of things. I live a lie every single day now. And I bite my tongue, just so I don't forget the lie, because someone else told me not to.

~

I'm the advice-giver. I will gladly help you with anything I have the ability to. I don't care if it's over the internet with someone I've only seen a picture of, or someone I've known for 10 years. I want to help you. Why? Because I can't help myself anymore.

I live the life I would've lived myself through other people, if change hadn't made it so I couldn't. Before changes came so rapidly, I really took what I had for granted. Now I don't have the same kind of opportunities or happiness I had then. I had some amount of freedom. I could fly, even though my “wings” were clipped. Which is understandable; no one in their right mind would let any teenager do or go anywhere they want. That would be stupid. Then things happened, I close my eyes, find myself miles away from where I want to be. Only to hear people telling me, Oh nothing's going to change. Fast forward six months later, and those wings are gone, along with so much else. But instead of letting change actually get to me, through the advice I give, I live. Like it never happened. I can't have the life I want. There's no way I can have it anymore. The life I want to live was taken from me, not even through a choice of my own. So listen to another, and imagine myself in the same situation. I often wish it was truly me. Because it's never a life or death thing. It's usually some teenage thing. Sometimes not. But just know that, any advice I give is from the heart, because it's something I would do myself, given the opportunity to have it happen it my life. Good or bad. Living this way, vicariously, gives me kind of pseudo-freedom, wings that don't really allow me to fly, but give me the sense that maybe I'm doing some good.

~

Change....

“...I took you home...
...Set you on the glass...
...I pulled off your wings,
...Then I laughed...”

You took my wings.