sadSTATUE

• I did not, in fact, fulfill my semi-recognized New Years Resolution of actually getting a boyfriend. Instead, I found out what love really is. To me at least.
• Sudden, unwilling, and permanent isolation made me realize everything I had, and will probably never have again. Never take anything for granted. You never know what will happen to what you have.
  
• Murphy's law seemed to be in full effect for the second half of my year. Never underestimate Murphy, he's kind of a douche sometimes.
• The end of the world was overhyped, came, went, and I STILL didn't get my Free Dr. Pepper.
• I discovered... I'm not invincible. We all need sleep sometimes.
• Music can break nearly every awkward silence.
  
• Inside jokes can sometimes save a friendship.
• I always knew I'd love being in a ska band. There's just some feeling of redemption when you're up there on stage, stereotypical 2-tone, with the fedora, alongside a horn section, clean upstrokes, singin' about being a sell-out. God... There's something about it. I love it  
• I've discovered a love for writing, both unrealistic fiction, and blogs about everyday life, taken from my perspective, with a musical twist on nearly all of it.
• Death Magnetic. Yes. I am a Metallica fan-girl. Let me be.
• I've found my judgemental side. Mostly based on first impression. Unfortunately, that's also something tied into my often accurate gut instinct.
• Okay, okay... I'll admit... I love The Pit. There. I said it.
• I found out that fedoras are sexy as hell. Don't judge me.
  
• I've discovered a want, but an inability, to get along with those people who insist that they are related to me. I swear... I want to get along. It just doesn't happen.
  
• I learned that I am awful at physics but I am actually, not to be giving myself too much credit or anything, but as my friend put it, "a spendid sound director". No lie, those aren't my words. Just thought I'd add that.
  
• There was a point in 2008, somewhere around... late January to probably May at least... I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life. What I would give to have that feeling back.

I'm overdue for a blog entry. I got lots of time, so let's see where this goes

~

I'm an odd person.

I've come to know and accept that.

For many reasons.

I have my quirks and flaws.

It's hard coming to terms with yourself.

It's hard accepting who you've become in the years you've been alive.

And God... it's hard accepting the reality. The truth of who you are and where you're going.

~

Take one person in your life, that means a lot to you.

Not family or anything. Someone you've met over the course of your life that you care about. A close friend. Someone you tell everything to.

Friends fade, but I want this person to be someone that has stood the test of time, for you. Since they've known you.

Now imagine this.

You never met that person.

Who would you be?

How drastically different would you be?

Well, I guess, this question is a bit dependent on how personally independent you are. If you don't have that, for lack of a better word, attachment, and lack a lot of influence from this person, this won't apply to you. But I'm pretty sure everyone has someone. Well... Had or has. People leave, find something better. Like I said, friends fade...

~

I talk about the future a lot.

But I think about the past a lot more. I only just realized this, to be honest.

I mean, it's a scary thought.

I'm truly a different person than I was a year ago, let alone three years ago, when I started high school, and twelve years ago when I started school in and of itself.

This is a good thing.

This is a bad thing.

~

When I was younger, I thought I knew everything. I could never fail. I was the little fat kid that thought everyone was my friend. I was oversensitive, and to be honest, a bit of a goody-two-shoes. I cared about my grades. I had semi-realistic hopes. But I'm not even mentioning the fact that I had terrible taste in music.

Do I miss those days?

Sometimes. But I regret much of who I was, so that I don't miss it all that much.

But I don't see that person anymore.

I know I don't know everything. I'm told this nearly every day of my life. I fail at something on a regular basis. And as my chubbiness disappeared, also disappeared the notion that I could get along with everyone. Some of that notion remains, slightly. I've never truly made an enemy. But that's probably because I've learned to stay out out of everyone else's business. I let things roll off my shoulder. I have a set point at which my emotions tend to stay. After every high point, and every low point, I return to this slightly negative, but more or less neutral, emotional state. My grades in school aren't terrible, but if I got them in say, third grade, I would've died. Unfortunately, that's given others higher expectations of me, and for that I'm sorry to have to disappoint. And I've gone backwards in my hopes and dreams. Now is the point in my life where I've decided to be unrealistic. But I don't care, if there's one trait I've kept for my entire life, it's unnecessary determination.

~

Who was she?

That girl in that old picture?

I pass by her old house every day.

Every once in a while, I see her old schools.

Admittedly never one of the cute kids. But she was smart.

She was ahead of herself as far as academics went.

What happened to her?

I'm not sure.

I think she passed away.

It was a slow death.

Not sad, really. Everyone was tired of her.

She made too many mistakes, by not making any.

She spent too much time being “smart”.

But really now.

She never knew what she was talking about.

She isn't missed. Really. They didn't even have a funeral. Her memory lives on, but only in the hearts of few. The people that really knew her. But they were the people that changed her. They killed her in a merciful death. She needed it.

Why, though?

She wasn't who she wanted to be.

She never liked herself.

She never knew as much as she thought she did.

She regretted too much.

And later on, she wouldn't let some of it go.

She got replaced, by someone similar. But at least this other person sees SOME good in herself, although admittedly, the only reason she sees it is because of what others tell her.

~

“Let this be the end.
Let this be the last song.
Let this be the end.
Let all be forgiven.”

One day in your life, you have to come to terms with yourself. Who you were, who you've become. And eventually, who you will be. There's nothing I can do, really, about the past. No point in holding grudges. I never do, but a grudge against yourself is kind of pointless. You have to forgive yourself (and other people, obviously) at times, at the end of an “era” in your life. I see that know.

Disclaimer:

I don't mean to complain.

Really. Sometimes I just get in these moods where I feel like writing about something that's on my mind. I'd rather have a bunch of strangers read it, with the occasional close friend that I direct to it, than everyone I'm friends with on, say Facebook or something. I like the semi-anonymity of UG. Read and comment if you like. If not, no problem. It's just a sort of outlet for me.

That being said, here I go again.

~

I guarantee you, you've had some kind of change in your life, and if you haven't, your life is boring, and you need to get out from under your rock. Well... maybe not. I don't know if I like or hate change.

Change brings out the undiagnosed bipolarity in me. There's a general formula about how this goes. If it's a change I choose to make, it generally results in contentedness, or indifference, depending on the outcome. If it's a change made for me by someone else, I hate to say it, but it generally results in sadness, anger, or a combination of the two. In both cases, I can bounce back. Things don't get to me. Probably my indifferent nature.

~

Big changes are like little white lies. See, when you have a little white lie, you say one, you have to say a million, just to keep your story straight. Big changes are similar. You make one big change, you have to follow up with all these little changes that end up rearranging your entire life.

~

I don’t deal with certain change well at all.

I’ve figured this out over the past six months.

I never had this problem before.

That’s probably because never, in my life, has changed occurred so rapidly, and so suddenly.

Change comes with little notice.

Change can kick your ass.

Change can cause you to lose sleep.

Change can cause the loss of opportunity, or the loss of everything you could've ever wanted, or what you thought you had.

Change can ruin you.

~

Ever wanted to be someone else? For just a day?

Be honest. No one is entirely satisfied with their life. It’s human nature. And if you do live completely satisfied, I want to be YOU.

Ever tried so hard to make things work, only to be shot down by some other source?

Ever had to live a lie?

Ever had to let things pass by that you knew were wrong, but couldn’t help but keep your mouth quiet?

Me?

I want to be someone else every day. The things I used to have, were taken in front of me, and I'll probably never get them back. I don't mean physical or material things, I mean other kinds of things. I live a lie every single day now. And I bite my tongue, just so I don't forget the lie, because someone else told me not to.

~

I'm the advice-giver. I will gladly help you with anything I have the ability to. I don't care if it's over the internet with someone I've only seen a picture of, or someone I've known for 10 years. I want to help you. Why? Because I can't help myself anymore.

I live the life I would've lived myself through other people, if change hadn't made it so I couldn't. Before changes came so rapidly, I really took what I had for granted. Now I don't have the same kind of opportunities or happiness I had then. I had some amount of freedom. I could fly, even though my “wings” were clipped. Which is understandable; no one in their right mind would let any teenager do or go anywhere they want. That would be stupid. Then things happened, I close my eyes, find myself miles away from where I want to be. Only to hear people telling me, Oh nothing's going to change. Fast forward six months later, and those wings are gone, along with so much else. But instead of letting change actually get to me, through the advice I give, I live. Like it never happened. I can't have the life I want. There's no way I can have it anymore. The life I want to live was taken from me, not even through a choice of my own. So listen to another, and imagine myself in the same situation. I often wish it was truly me. Because it's never a life or death thing. It's usually some teenage thing. Sometimes not. But just know that, any advice I give is from the heart, because it's something I would do myself, given the opportunity to have it happen it my life. Good or bad. Living this way, vicariously, gives me kind of pseudo-freedom, wings that don't really allow me to fly, but give me the sense that maybe I'm doing some good.

~

Change....

“...I took you home...
...Set you on the glass...
...I pulled off your wings,
...Then I laughed...”

You took my wings.

Bitterness and defeat.

This is how I could legitimately describe my “love life.” Although technically, I could say that it doesn’t actually exist.

I feel odd when I say that I’m a 17-year-old girl, a senior in high-school, who has never been in anything remotely considered a relationship. When I say odd, I mean, I have different feelings about it.

Sometimes I feel angry about it, because it seems unfair at times, when everyone I know is in a relationship and I’m not and never had been.

Sometimes I get depressed about it. What does everyone else have that I don’t? Am I so inadequate that I don’t deserve a relationship?

Cliché. I know. Shut up.

More often than not, however, I feel that it’s probably a good thing. I don’t have to deal with relationship drama, rumors, etc.

Some people I know go to extremes with their feelings on relationships, and in that sense, I pity them. Not for their situation so much, but more so for the fact that their situation drives them to such extremes.

Let me give you an example:

I have a friend who had been in relationships forever. She went through boyfriends like there was no tomorrow. Then there was a period of time when she had no one. She started to like this guy, but apparently he didn’t share those      feelings. I knew what that was like. I always have. There was only one guy, in my life, that had the same feelings that I did, and that ended up being a really screwed situation. But I digress. I pitied her. She was completely distraught. I never knew something like this could really break a person down so badly. So badly that she said she was considering becoming a lesbian. I have absolutely no problem with gays or lesbians. But I feel as if that was the most extreme consideration she could have made. Funnily enough, she had a new boyfriend within two months.

~

Define love. No really. What do you consider love to be? I want to know.

Everyone has a different perspective on the subject, and there seems to be no universal definition for that really covers every aspect of this thing called love.

Me? Well… love is… something. Something amazing. And I don’t mean so much, relationship-type love. I mean all love.

A shoulder to cry on. An ear to listen. A song, written especially for you. A phone call, just to talk and ask how you are. An inside joke, while you’re in the worst of moods. A warm embrace, when you’re nearing tears. A text message conversation at 2 AM, just because you can’t sleep. A smile that flickers across your face, when that certain someone crosses your mind. A memory that crosses your mind when you hear that one song. A jolt of happiness that comes from seeing a friend after a long time of separation.

To me, that’s what love is. And so much more.

Now let me ask you again.

Define love.

~

Some people, due to failed relationships and whatnot, regret love. But I don’t believe in regretting love. Love is something so… powerful. So life changing. If you truly love someone, they probably at some point caused some kind of change in your life. If you’ve really experienced love, you won’t be the same person that you started out as. Some take love the wrong way. Well, failed love has. “Failed” love has created hate. Discord. War. Bloodshed. Conflict. But I don’t believe in failed love. If love does no good, it wasn’t love in the first place. Love has taught me both to when to fight for what I want and when to let things go. Love has taught me to accept both the inevitable and the unexpected. Love has taught me understanding.

Love can sustain.

“All you need is love.”

I’m inclined to believe that.