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Friday, February 10, 2012

Beyond mind is sleep to be found...

Current mood: tired

I had a long chat with one of my therapists today about my sleeping history, so I'm in quite a place to describe it all if anyone can be asked to read a wall of text describing one of my biggest issues over the past year.

Bear in mind, this has all taken place amidst a slow deterioration of my mental health, and I can't rule them out as contributing towards it all.

Before I took sleeping pills, it was about 2 hours sleep a night for a few months before I decided to sleep every other night, getting 6 hours of sleep every second night. Then, after finding it a bit impractical I started sleeping on Sunday for 8 hours, Tuesday for 6 and Thursday for 6. Then, I was prescribed Temazepam, yeah - **** knows why they started me on the strongest and most addictive - and I got 6 hours sleep each night for the first week, then 5 for the second, had the dosage doubled for the third week and got the same thing so I was at 30mg by the 5th week on them and 40 by the seventh. **** knows how I survived taking 280mg of it one night, although they were spread out over the course of a night taking 1 at first, another 2 an hour later and the final 4 after an hour of mutilation. After that I decided to stop taking them altogether, and couldn't sleep for a whole week afterwards.

A month later he prescribed me a weeks worth of 10mg Diazepam and they didn't really do much - I slept about 2 hours a night for three days and then took 4 with a similar outcome as last time: loads of blood and a night of good sleep. Since I stopped taking these my sleep was completely ****ed, sleeping randomly for 30 minutes at any point in the day, twice a day which lead to being prescribed melatonin for about 3 months which did absolutely **** all so I continued feeling shattered like I was on a permanent come-down until I was prescribed 7.5mg Zopiclone by a psychiatrist. After three months of 6 hours sleep without needing the dosage increased the fourth month my sleep got worse so I asked if the dosage could be increased. Being that my psychiatrist is smarter than my GP she refused and prescribed me 10mg Zolpidem instead.

Unfortunately, I soon found out you can trip on these and took 30mg every Tuesday and 40mg every Friday to account for the slight tolerance increase from the recent previous trip, not sleeping the days in between. After a month I was re-prescribed Zopiclone for a month and then started saving up my pills and rarely sleeping again, preparing for an overdose featuring 210mg of zopiclone, 40mg of zolpidem I had left over, 130mg of diazepam my mum had, a few months worth of citalopram, 8 boxes of paracetamol, 2 boxes of cocodomol and 2 boxes of diclofenac, all crushed up and dissolved in a litre and a half of jager which I downed.

After a stomach pump and a week in hospital on 13 life support machines I was transferred to a secure psychiatric ward on section where I was instantly prescribed 30mg of Zopiclone as part of there informal 'if they're asleep they're manageable' program and by the end of that month I was terrified to stop taking them because I'd feel like I had a cold by midnight, which would then escalate into a flu until I took some more, fortunately the hospital I moved to helped me taper myself off of them, which took two months and in the two weeks I've been without them I've had 6 hours of sleep, yet every five minute sleep feels more refreshing than 6 hours straight of sedative induced sleep.

I suppose part of my reason for posting this is just to say that no matter how bad your sleep is, never rely on pills for it. I'm hoping to never touch them again, but every night I wish I had some and I've asked my most recent psychiatrist three times to prescribe me anything to help me get to sleep in these last two weeks, so I don't know how well not using them is going to work.
12:30 am - 0 comments - 0 Kudos
Friday, June 11, 2010

Stop defending the terms Communism and Socialism:

Current mood: cynical

When someone says Communism, Socialism or Marxism what do you think of? Do you think of Workers Cooperatives, Equal Rights, Democracy that is truly fair and not controlled by any class, extensive Civil Liberties. Do you see the hammer and sickle as a sign of hope, forward thinking and a societal goal?

Or do you think of the United Soviet States of Russia, Stalin, the Peoples Republic of China, Chairman Mao, North Korea and Kim Jon Il? These aren't communists, as you've probably been told a thousand times before, these are State Capitalists - they use a system where people are viewed as worker ants that must be controlled for maximum output no matter what the cost.
As you could expect, this led to the largest Gross Domestic Product (GDP) increase in history of 650% in the USSR.
As you could expect, this led one of the largest travesties in human history with famine galore, human rights abuse, Gulags, labour camps and persecution. When Stalin died, nobody cared for him. Rightfully so, after all, not only did he destroy the lives of millions of people, he destroyed the use of the word communism.

You see, if everyone uses a word in a different context - like calling a female a girl and a male a boy rather than males girls and females gay girls - the word changes it's meaning. In the aforementioned example girl no longer means male child it means female child. Communism, Socialism, Marxism - whatever you prefer to call it now means State Capitalism.

If instead we gave the ideology a new name it would have a clean proverbial slate and a chance at being accepted as a political view. A chance at one day being a possibility.

The more people defend the old terms, the further backwards the cause of leftism in general is as most people are too idiotic and close minded to accept our views and understand the true traditional meaning of Communism.

Perhaps I'm rambling on without making any sense. I had to write this twice as the first time it didn't post and I'm probably being a bit idealist here, but any discussion and opposing points are greatly welcomed.

Thanks for reading!

I suggest you read the comments, especially Nietsche's as the criticism is very constructive for seeing the other side of the argument, which to be perfectly honest I find myself more on the side of recently anyway.
7:32 pm - 18 comments - 9 Kudos
Friday, December 12, 2008

RIP Alexi, the metal Guinea Pig

Current mood: shocked

Today, my recently acquired furry friend Alexi died.

Last night she had diarrhea, and this morning crapped her bowels out, dying a gruesome, shitty death.

Alexi the Metal Guinea Pig
3rd - 12th December 2008
Died a most brutal death


10:17 am - 6 comments - 0 Kudos
Saturday, July 26, 2008

biography of my life as a musician

Current mood: accomplished

i wanted to take piano lessons to be like my dad at school but they were all taken, so instead i played guitar, like my uncle did. little did i know that my dad is also an amazing guitarist - this is probably what made me want to continue playing guitar instead of piano.

my dad showed me Metallica, i learned every rhythm part on acoustic for their black and master of puppets albums as i thought they were the best thing since sliced bread, i started practicing everyday at this point, dreaming of playing on stage with James and Kirk.

i got my first electric guitar this year, i could already play a load of Metallica stuff so i went from there, learning other metal bands songs, but my brother was a teenager who constantly told me how i suck. never stopped trying to put me down, but i kept at my dream, of becoming good enough to play on stage with James and Kirk.

i realized that i would need to learn to play really fast to be able to play with kirk this year and then dedicated 6 hours a day to playing guitar, and whilst my brother still attempted to put me down his friends often came round and ignored him, watching me play guitar instead. towards the end of this year i started sweep picking and found two new gods: Alexi Laiho and Roope Latvala. i learned the rhythm parts to the hatebreeder albums and started my first lead work here, by the end of the year i could play most of bed of razors, lake bodom and towards dead end sloppily(read: self delusional, thinking that im a god)

i found many friends in my school who also play guitar, one of which taught me how to sweep pick the year before. i soon surpassed them in technical ability, and have taught one person to play guitar.

Then i went to the London guitar show with intents of watching Yngwie Malmsteen and Paul Gilbert. i was in front row for the whole show simply amazed at 2 of the gods of guitar stood in front of me. i also wanted to try a few guitars there, one being the Vintage Metalaxxe Warp. it played into my hands and was so perfect for me that i felt i could play better than ever. then probably the best moment in my life happened, i was asked to be videoed as a demo for the guitar on their website. i felt obliged. i took the opportunity and played guitar in front of a small crowd, perhaps more now that the video is on the site. this was when i realized i was actually a lot better than i was made to believe by my brother and all the non musicians i know. I realized that maybe my dreams of being able to play on a stage with one of my idols may one day become reality. I also have started my first band recently, but do not expect to get anywhere due to lack of dedication, therefore just trying to get used to playing with a band instead.

thanks for reading.
11:43 am - 8 comments - 3 Kudos
Saturday, June 28, 2008

me playing guitar ;rel=0&color1=0x5d1719&color2=0xcd311b "

also available on my profiles about me section and also on too! was a great show too


6:09 am - 13 comments - 4 Kudos