The Rebel Yell Nation is known for many things, it's Space Program, The National Moustache Museum, The Worlds Largest Hammer, etc.
A true national monument.
But I bet you didn't know Rebel Yell is home to some of the most amazing magicians of all time.
With names like Gremlin Gates, Pazuzu, John 'The Magician' Smith (one the most creative and exciting magicians of all time, R.I.P, keep on chasing rainbows) and The King of the Wizards all residing here. It's no wonder that on the underground magician scene they call this placethe 'Rebel Yell Nation'.
A brief history of Magic in Rebel Yell Nation.
In the early years of the Rebel Yell Nation any one found or believed to be practising magic was burned at the stake and had their ashes thrown into a swamp.
It wasn't until Sir.I. C. Nowe discovered that behind all this 'magic'
was just sleight of hand and trickery, that the burning and
ash-swamping law was changed. Now anyone found or believed to be
practising is just avoided.
The burnings were quite the spectacle, often they would make the magicians wear a silly hat for more laughs.
Rebel Yell, after the magician burning law was changed, became a quite famous for it's magicians when John 'The Magician' Smith burst ontothe scene with his Coin-in-my-pocket
trick, in which he would astound audiences by putting his hand into his
pocket and removing a single coin. He would perform this on street
corners to groups of people until he was found by entertainment manager
Nerben Blampin, who despite his made up name, managed a few popular acts around Rebel Yell.
It wasn't long before John Smith was performing in front of crowds of
10 or more. He had a large repertoire of magical tricks, but his
signature was always his classic Coin-in-my-pocket trick, which to this day, knowboady can work out how he did it.
Out of his pocket! Can you believe it?
However, John Smith wans't the only famous magician to call Rebel Yell home, as previously mention Gremlin Gates, Pazuzu and The King of the Wizards all lived and worked in Rebel Yell.
Gremlin famous for his dissapearing-pants routine, Pazuzu, his ability to drive manual cars without a license and the King of the Wizards famous for his work in the superb rock band, Sorcery.
The King of the Wizards mid-performance.
Magic has had a long and charred history in The Rebel Yell Nation, and it will has a longer future, unless of course another burning-magicians law is passed, and we can only hope.
Thanks for reading,
Rebel Yell - Firearms, Alcohol, Tobacco and Magician History dept.
Anyone who has ever played guitar,
bass or other picked instrument will know the extreme frustration of
dropping a pick, also known as a plectrum, and have it meld into the
carpet or become lost deep under the bed/couch/desk. It is tortuous.
The Lost Pick Theory, or LPT as it shall be referred to from now on,
attempts to explain this painful phenomenon and it's workings.
LTP also explains the loss of any
small dropped item, like; key's, remotes, nail clippers, mobile phones
etc. The science is the same.
"Hang on, i'll just gra.. Oh what the fuck? I only just dropped it there!"
Stage 1: The Drop
initial action of dropping the item is the most vital stage of the LPT.
The position of landing and further movement is entirely dependant on
one's vision of the object. If you are, at the time of dropping,
looking at the item, said item will fall naturally and, more often than
not, as expected. However, if said item is out of view, it will land in
such a way that it will shoot off in a ridiculous fashion and continue
on to the next stage.
LPT when item is in view
Stage 2: The Tumble
tumble is the stage in which the item will venture forth from it's
landing location. The item's size or weight has no bearing on it's
tumble. Stress, frustration and necessity are the only relavent
factors. If one is cool, calm, collected and/or in no hurry the tumble
will be minor, however if the dropped item is your last pick, or
something you need in a hurry, the tumble will be obscenely
infuriating. The principal behind this is Murphy's Law (now officially
deemed a 'science' in the Rebel Yell nation).
LTP when item is out of view
Stage 3: The Fumble
stage only occurs after the fumble, and will not occur if the dropped
item was in view. The fumble is the stage of trying to find where the
dropped item has gotten too. It can last for quite a while depending on
the victim. Though in most cases, accepting the loss is the most
beneficial, health wise, solution as a tumbled pick will, 9 times out
of 10, never be found again, and prolonged searching will only increase
frustration and anger. Other dropped items will almost always show up,
but will not be easily located.
"I seriorsly doubt it would be all the way out h... Oh, there it is."
The actual permanent loss of
pick's can be determined by the sub-theorum; Chameleon Pick Theory,
CPT. However this does only count for plectrums.
Chameleon Pick Theory
Picks are infamous for being invisible to the human eye when on carpet.
This is because all picks have a chameleon gene, and are capeable of
changing the colour of themselves to match the surrounding carpet. They
are the only shaped plastic object capeable of such a feat, and
probably the only non-sentient or non-programmed thing able to do it at
Everyone knows 'that guy', he's the one who always takes it too far in every situation.
See, you've now just realized that you know a 'that guy'.
"Fucksake, I just wanted a light"
Whether it be to start throwing
punches in a wrestle, abuse a stranger or break a controller, 'that'
guy' always takes it too far, anything you or someone normal has done
and been silently deemed ok, or even maybe laughed at, 'that guy' see's
it as his opportunity to increase his 'cool' standings within the
group, but inevitably he takes things too far by instead of celebrating
their winning hand in poker by cheering, they'll flip the table, break
a window and take off their shirt, which has quite the opposite effect
to had what they'd wanted to achieve, thus making them more 'un-cool'
than not, which they will again try to get out of by taking something
else to far. It's a vicious circle.
The mind of 'that guy' is a
strange thing he see's victory in everything to be a step which he must
climb to be cool, failure is something he can turn into a victory if he
jokingly get's angry at his opponents and everyone has a laugh at how
great 'that guy' is.
in reality his victory at all costs approach involves beating women and
children at things like arm wrestling, eating more of something than
anyone and spewing everywhere and loud abuse and/or touching you
annoyingly until you give up. His ability to take things too far shines
when ever he loses because in failure no one really thinks headbutting
your opponent, smashing the tv and throwing the card deck out the
window is all that funny but 'that guy' will do it anyway.
So if you're 'that guy' please
think before you punch your keyboard or burp in someones face, that's
actually HINDERING your chances of being liked.
But who am I kidding, you won't listen to this, anybody who's that guy is in worse denial than holocaust deniers.
And anybody who knows a 'that
guy' (I know you all do) i'm sorry, but there's nothing short of rat
poison tea and dumping the body in the ocean that can be done.
Now i'm sure we're all aware of the saying 'Time flies when you're
having fun' but never has the flip-side of this well known saying been
so true as with Microwave Time. Never has 3 minutes taken as long as it
has to cook those noodles. Rebel Yell studies will explain this
phenomenom as we throw all previous flawed time theories out the
window, sort of.
If microwaves were around back then, this is what Abe would look like waiting for his pizza to re-heat.
The Microwave Oven was brought to
our homes in 1967. It was designed as an alternate and much faster way
to eliminate Gremlins than the conventional oven. It has become a
household standard these days for it's convenience and ease of use, you
could just trap a Gremlin in it, set it to around 2 minutes (depending
on the size) and BOOM, dead Gremlin. Alternatively you could heat up
food in it.
They HATE microwaves.
Why are we waiting?
Now it is true that the Microwave
will heat things up quicker than the conventional oven but, you see,
the Microwave works on it's own alternate time. The minutes on a
Microwave countdown are even slower than that of a watched clock.
example, if you are cooking a pie at 3 mintues in the Microwave, you
have time to use the toliet, have a drink, check facebook and pace
impatiently and will still have 1.50 left on the countdown, where as if
you had 5 minutes untill you needed to leave the house, taking a slash
and grabbing a drink will have you leaving 5 minutes late!
How it works, probably.
What does this mean?
In an attempt to harness the
phenomenom that is Microwave Time, Rebel Yell Studies had someone go to
bed with a microwave on his bed side table and upon waking setting it
to 30 minutes to see if his sleep in felt much longer. However, the
subject never got back to us.
at the moment there is nothing we can do with this strange occurence,
maybe sometime in the future in the year 2019, but until then lets all
just respect the magical Microwave and enjoy a delicious Microwave pork
of you might know him from the bible, some of you might have seen him
hanging from a wall in your local church but most of us know him from
his 80's sitcom Hey, Jesus!
It was definitely a real show.
What did Jesus do?
Jesus, in his time with us on Earth, had some wacky adventures (watch Hey, Jesus!
for more details) and on more than one occasion these began with or
involved miracles. These weren't everyday
'bickering-couple-reconciles-for-child's- sake' or
'prostitute-sees-the-error-in-her-ways-and-beco mes-a-lawyer' crap
miracles, Jesus performed some pretty great miracles. This article will
list 5 of his miracles that you might not know about.
I can't remember if I mentioned that he had heat-vision... anyway, he does.
What he did.
1. TURNS WATER INTO STEAM
Now everyone who watched Hey, Jesus!
saw the episode when Jesus turned all the drinking water at his high
school into wine, the scene when the Principal was drunk was a classic. It's a staple Jesus story, but little do people know before he was getting people drunk he was turning liquid water into a gas! That's right, Jesus was turning regular
everyday water into a hot mist using only a stove-top! It was Jesus'
first big miracle but is often overlooked in place of number 2 on this
You can't fake that.
2. TURNS WATER INTO ICE
Yes, another water based miracle, Jesus worked heavily with water early on in his career, it was kind of his shtick. Jesus stunned and amazed the masses by
taking a glass of fresh rain water and placing it in a freezer, a good
few hours later it was frozen solid! Can you believe that? A lot of
people at the time didn't, and assumed in the shows intermission, he
was swapping out the water and replacing it with some pre-frozen ice.
Many people were losing faith in him but this theory was debunked when
someone sat and watched the whole thing, not leaving for a break once.
The bored man confirmed it's validity and Jesus was again held in high
He may or may not have had anything to do with Ice-Cube.
3. FLOATS ON WATER
This was the predecessor to his walking
on water miracle, and is an old favourite with many a fan, considered
to be the best of his water miracles, though it was met with tragedy. One warm morning Jesus waded his way
into a lake, people slowly gathered as they new something was up. Jesus
doggy paddled around a little and the to the amazement of the crowd, he
spread his arms and legs and stayed afloat in the water. He laid on his
back on the lake, bobbing with the ripples, where he remained for about
a minute. On his return to the shore, people cheered and clapped him,
Jesus took a bow and was thanking the people when someone cried out
that there was a young boy attempting the float. Jesus spun around to
see the boy flailing about. "Noooooooooooooo!" Jesus yelled
in slow motion, running back into the water, but it was too late, the
boy had drowned. However it wasn't long until everybody forgot about
the boy, and Jesus' miracle was celebrated further.
If only they had been watching the kid...
4. FINDS IMAGE OF SELF ON BURNT TOAST
One morning the small village of The Bible was woken to the sounds of Jesus yelling: "Hey, come check this out!" It was Jesus, so everyone did as
ordered, no one wanted to miss the chance of another miracle. They were
met with Jesus holding a slice of toast, which, upon further
inspection, had an image of Jesus on it. It was amazing, everybody
cheered, that is everybody but a small group of grouches who said that
Jesus could of just scraped the picture onto the the toast with a
knife. This caused a stir amongst fans, some believing he did, some
not. It was his second controversial miracle. One accuser attempted to
redraw the miracle toast picture but kept scraping off too much of the
burnt bit and gave up saying: "I guess it probably was a miracle."
And again, Jesus had all his fans back, they believed once more.
Actual Jesus toast, with a lamp behind it.
5. BEAT SKI-FREE
This is Jesus' third, final and most controversial miracle of all. Jesus finshed the (near) impossible game that is Ski-Free. This miracle is so controversial as no
one, other than Jesus, saw it happen. Now many people say it must be
true, Jesus has no reason to lie, I mean he's turning water into ice
for goodness sakes. Jesus says: "Near the end I was going real quick and I hit a ramp right near the end and got over the yeti." Seems legit enough, but some conspiracy
theorists say that there isn't a jump near the yeti and the speed
attainable on the slopes isn't sufficient to out run the Yeti. So no one truly knows the legitimacy of this miracle, you just have to make up your own mind.
What? You gonna say I didn't win? Look at this crown.
And there you have it, five miracles of Jesus you probably didn't even know.
A helpful brochure brought to you by Hell and Rebel Yell.
Hell, everyone’s heard of hell, it’s where you burn for your sins, and you're tortured for eternity, also there’s heaps of fire!
Well despite what you’ve heard, Hell ain’t a bad place!
Hell gets a bad wrap, and no body wants to go there anymore, that’s why The Dark Lord, Satan, Beelzebub, Lucifer, Old Hob, The Prince of Darkness himself has decided to give the Underworld an image reboot!
A little known fact is that Ridley Scott's Legend is a perfect depiction of Satan.
Frequently Asked Stuff:
“Working off my sins in eternal hell fire for all eternity sounds terrible!”
Well, that’s the old hell, now the forced labor works just
like a full-time job on earth! You earn holidays, work steady hours and
have recess and lunch breaks! (Overtime optional)
Now I can work off my sins and have a personal life!
“Wow! But what about all the fire, is that still there, I hate the heat!”
Yes, the fire’s still there, but we now have Fujitsu Air Conditioners, Hell’s favourite air!
So the prettiness and illumination of the flame still remains, while you work at a comfortable temperature!
Note: Fujitsu has no association with Hell or Rebel Yell whatsoever
“Hmm, sounds too good to be true, is there TV?”
Featuring programs like:
Cooking with the Antichrist Two’s Company, Three’s Hell! Hey, Jesus!
and The View!
Ok, there is still a little bit of torture in Hell.
“I can’t wait to go to Hell! But what about my birthday?”
Funny you should ask, ever heard the expression ‘War is Hell’?
Well now it can be in one of five themed party rooms for birthdays and anniversaries!
The themes being:
War Underwater (Satan’s personal favourite) Prison
and Outer Space
Satan just can't get enough of the Underwater Theme Room!
“Sound’s great, I love Hell!”
Great stuff, kid!
What else can I do?
There are so many activities that you can participate in during your days off and spare time!
You can ‘burn’ off those extra pounds in the Hellfire Gym.
Play a selection of your favourite sports and recreate in the Sport and Recreation Area.
And so much more!
So next time you’re thinking about repenting on your deathbed, remember this pamphlet and consider coming ‘down town’ to The Underworld.
Hell, it’s where all the cool people go when they die!