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Monday, May 04, 2009

Jari Mäenpää Interview, 2015

Views: 921
Comments: 2
Interviewer
"So Jari, thanks for coming"
Jari
"Sigh"
Interviewer
"I know you have a busy schedule"
Jari nods.
Interviewer
"Talk to me about Time, when is it going to be releasesd?"
Jari laughs.
Jari:
"After adding the 9001 tracks per song, my latest computer crashed. Again. I just feel bad for the fans. They were a little upset."
Interviewer:
"That was a lot of suicides."
Jari
"..."
Interviewer:
"And then there was that incident with the forum member"
Jari
"Hm?"
"User:Cuchulainn, I believe? Real name: xxxx xx xxxxx"
Jari
"Oh yeah, he went nuts when he found out about the delay and tried to attack me. With shards of his own copy of the Wintersun self-titled album, no less. Fortunately he tripped and fell on the shards. "
Interviewer
"Witnesses say you broke his arm and stabbed him."
Jari
"Nope"
Interviewer
"And you kicked out 5 of his teeth."
Jari
"He hit the pavement pretty hard. I guess. In any case, he really wasn't a constructive member of the online community to begin with. He somehow got a hold of several forum members acount passwords. It was really annoying. At one point, me and Kai didn't know who was who. Then he started changing the names of community members to offensive, or just plain weird stuff; like, he changed Feanors' acount name to "M00Nshine special". And then there was that one night he got drunk and spammed the forums with porn. Actually that was really cool. No wait... don't write that down "
Interviewer
"Okay"
Jari
"When he wasn't pissing off everyone in the general vicinity, he was always starting weird hypothetical topics. "
Interviewer
"Back to Time, have you set a new release date? Again?"
Jari
"I'm a little busy at the moment. I've bought some land -"
Interviewer
"With the money given to you finish the album"
Jari
"AHEM. I've bought some land. A little volcanic island off of Hawiai."
Interviewer
"Why did you buy an island...?"
Jari
"I am constructing the worlds' most sophistacted metal-related music equipment and recording equipment, and I needed the solitude and space to do it. Also I spent the left over cash on a new Mac."
Interviewer
"Most rulers would spend most of their time in their country."
Jari
"Ever since the revolution ended, I decided I needed a place to kick back."
Interviewer
"Many in the EU were shocked at your taking over Finland and the speed at which you did it."
Jari
"My Goldeneye device was instrumental in my success"
Interviewer
"When did you discover this new side in yourself, this technological inventor"
Jari
"Actually, most of the Goldeneye machine was designed and put together by Kai. The whole thing only works in time to his specific drum beats."
Interviewer
"How is Kai?"
Jari
"Doing well, all things considered. The operation to graft two extra arms onto his torso was a complete success. I think the drumming awards he has won since, speak for themselves"
Interviewer
"Some critics are suggesting that... you are more concerned with world domination than releasing Time. How do you reply to that?"
Jari
"That was always a priority, but the delay of Time was purely accidental. It's a very personal project, and I want it to be perfect. Overthrowing the Finnish goverment was merely a hobby. Did you know the world is controlled by the illuminatii?"
Interviewer
"Oh God, not this again"
Jari
"Obama is a figure-head for the organisation. He's not even human. Look how cool he his."
Interviewer
"Right. A figure-head. Of the illuminatii. "
Jari
"Don't write that down either. If they know that I know, they'll kill me.. or try to. Kai is only a month away from finishing his Drum powered "Powered Exoskeleton" armour."
Interviewer
"Whatever you say."
Jari pulls out a guitar and plays a riff for about 2 minutes. It's the most beautiful piece I have ever heard.
Interviewer
"That was incred-"
Jari smashes the guitar, and crushes the bridge, the wood compacting and splintering in his mighty fist, which is also forming the well known \m/ symbol. He emits the manliest scream I have ever heard. I can hear wolves baying somewhere in the distance. I breifly wonder why there are wolves in Helsinki.
Jari
"Hmm. Not good enough."
Jari stares at his hand, there are some small cuts, but I swear I see them dissappear, just as he closes his fist.
Interviewer
"Um... where is Kai?"
Jari
"Kai is at his home now, at his castle in Finland, working on his drumming for the next album, as well as my power armour, if he knows what's good for him."
Interviewer
"Tell me, please, where do you get your creativity from?"
Jari pauses, in deep thought, thinking hard about what to say.
Jari
"Stamps"
Interviewer
"Excuse me?"
Jari
"Stamps. You know, like, stamp collections. I really like the taste of the glue. I tried licking fresh envelopes, but it's not the same. Sometimes I just open up my stamp collection and stare at it for about an hour and ten minutes and I know exactly what need to be put in each song. I started playing concerts with them stuck all over my guitar."
Interviewer
"Uuuh..."
Jari
"Of course my fans are a big help. I feel very close to each and every one of them"
Interviewer
"You're sitting on one right now."
Jari
"Yes, this is Versus_Terminus19. He has taken a vow of silence and is training to be my personal bodygaurd. At the moment though, he is best used as a chair."
Interviewer
"You mentioned Kai is still working on Time? I thought the drum-work was done."
Jari
"Well, I've continuously been writing new material ever since the self-titled album was finished, even now I can hear new guitar riffs and bass lines forming in my mind. *(Jari takes out a pencil and notepad and jots down some notes while he's talking)* I estimate that I currently have enough material for ten more albums. Not inculding songs for my other side projects; Summersun, Springsun, Autumnsun and Aftersun."
 
8:32 pm - 2 comments - 0 Kudos - Report!
Comments
insomnium333 wrote on Oct 10th, 2010 11:36pm

Thats exactly what would happen, cept by then the ultimate battle between Jari and Chuck norris would happen, i think you know who would preveil :)

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led_zepaholica wrote on Oct 11th, 2010 12:10am

Hahah, too true.

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