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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Operation: Folua

I for one, am sick of all the freaking idiots of the world!
I also know that I'm not the only one, and that is why we (myself and my cohort of masterminds) have decided to implement 'operation: folua'
(Folua = F*ck off and leave us alone)
Think about it, idiots are costing the world billions of dollars every year.
- They contribute nothing to society, in that; they 'idiot' up the place
- They breed, and now the population of idiots far exceeds the population of intelligent people
 (sub point) Idiots breeding may or may not (but most often does) result in an idiot child being born, however, the manner in which a child is raised is paramount in whether they turn out to be an idiot themselves, or someone intelligent.
-  Idiots are an economic concern; they most often contribute nothing in the way of labour, or production in economies. Thus, the nations government needs to hand out welfare payments, which in turn subtracts from the potential benefits it could provide to 'functional society', in the form of public amenities, etc. 
Besides the lack of individual contribution to the economy, and to society, the idiots are subtracting from the economy in yet more ways:
- Idiots will commonly find themselves in situations where they require rescue. For example, that lady who jumped in to the polar bear enclosure at a german zoo, during feeding time. Or the idiot who got himself trapped off the side of a cliff, with a barrier, and a big red sign that said "do not cross barrier - unstable"

Given the fact that human decency (and law suits) still exist, the portion of intelligent people in the world, have to then rescue these idiots from the situation they find themselves in, as a result of their idiocy.
The sum of all the costs involved in the rescue are astounding, and all for the sake of one idiot. So with the combined population idiots in the world, it is clear that they pose a serious threat to world economies, and to ourselves.
Costs involved in rescuing idiots include:
- Cost of equipment, such as helicopters, cars, life vests, medical equipment, as well as everything else that rescuers must take with them
- Cost of renewal; fuel for all vehicles, and new equipment must be purchased regularly
- Cost of wages; rescuers need to be paid for their services, and wages don't come cheap. They could be as much as 1000+ dollars per week, per individual. Those individuals may also have families who also need to be provided for..
This list of costs goes on and on, but this is just a sample.
Clearly, the cost of having idiots in society are astronomical.
You may think that although they effect your countries economy, they do not effect you... wrong!
The effects of idiots in society weigh down on each and every individual. Because of the negative effect they have on economies, they are doing damage to the day-to-day life-style of all of us.
Idiots can cause:
- higher inflation
- high interest rates
- numbness of the mind, from over exposure to them
as well as innumerable other effects.
Idiots also institue a large percentage of the worlds law suits. They pay the lawyers in their welfare payment money, and make claims that cost society millions.
Surely, the least they could do, is to say "I need compensation for my own idiocy"
As a result of all the years of human history, where we have been subjected the idiocy of individuals, and the consequences of their idiotic tendencies, we have decided to implement "operation: folua"
To save society from the ramifications, and detriments of having idiots in our communities, 'Operation: Folua' will:
- Remove the idiots from population centres around the globe
- Re-locate the idiots to a new, as yet unpopulated island, which we have named "Folua". In Folua, the idiots are then free to 'stupid' themselves to death - We are not murderers after all, we would not simply kill the majority of the population of the world.
The island of Folua is home to no endangered animals, but has a large variety of wildlife, such as hippos
(Note: Hippos kill more idiots per year than sharks, crocodiles, vending machines and ball point pens combined)
(Another note: You would be amazed how many people are killed per year by ball point pens and vending machines per year... but some people are just idiots...)
We understand that for this project to be efficient, we need to monitor both the populations of our 'new world' and of 'Folua'. So these policies will also be implemented:
- At birth, children are inspected for their innate intelligence.
- Children who do not meet the minimum intelligence quota are given 3 years to get 'up to standard' (we do not expect einstein's, but boundaries must be made)
- Folua will also be monitored, and children who show intelligence, will be allowed proper education, and when able to make the decision, they may choose whether to come back to civilised society or not.
- Yearly inspections of everyone else must also be made. Anyone who falls below intelligence quota, but cannot give a suitable reason for doing so (like being on prescription meds, etc) will be shipped out to Folua
Thank you to anyone who has read this, may your days be free of idiots
10:50 am - 0 comments - 0 Kudos
Monday, May 04, 2009

Jari Mäenpää Interview, 2015

"So Jari, thanks for coming"
"I know you have a busy schedule"
Jari nods.
"Talk to me about Time, when is it going to be releasesd?"
Jari laughs.
"After adding the 9001 tracks per song, my latest computer crashed. Again. I just feel bad for the fans. They were a little upset."
"That was a lot of suicides."
"And then there was that incident with the forum member"
"User:Cuchulainn, I believe? Real name: xxxx xx xxxxx"
"Oh yeah, he went nuts when he found out about the delay and tried to attack me. With shards of his own copy of the Wintersun self-titled album, no less. Fortunately he tripped and fell on the shards. "
"Witnesses say you broke his arm and stabbed him."
"And you kicked out 5 of his teeth."
"He hit the pavement pretty hard. I guess. In any case, he really wasn't a constructive member of the online community to begin with. He somehow got a hold of several forum members acount passwords. It was really annoying. At one point, me and Kai didn't know who was who. Then he started changing the names of community members to offensive, or just plain weird stuff; like, he changed Feanors' acount name to "M00Nshine special". And then there was that one night he got drunk and spammed the forums with porn. Actually that was really cool. No wait... don't write that down "
"When he wasn't pissing off everyone in the general vicinity, he was always starting weird hypothetical topics. "
"Back to Time, have you set a new release date? Again?"
"I'm a little busy at the moment. I've bought some land -"
"With the money given to you finish the album"
"AHEM. I've bought some land. A little volcanic island off of Hawiai."
"Why did you buy an island...?"
"I am constructing the worlds' most sophistacted metal-related music equipment and recording equipment, and I needed the solitude and space to do it. Also I spent the left over cash on a new Mac."
"Most rulers would spend most of their time in their country."
"Ever since the revolution ended, I decided I needed a place to kick back."
"Many in the EU were shocked at your taking over Finland and the speed at which you did it."
"My Goldeneye device was instrumental in my success"
"When did you discover this new side in yourself, this technological inventor"
"Actually, most of the Goldeneye machine was designed and put together by Kai. The whole thing only works in time to his specific drum beats."
"How is Kai?"
"Doing well, all things considered. The operation to graft two extra arms onto his torso was a complete success. I think the drumming awards he has won since, speak for themselves"
"Some critics are suggesting that... you are more concerned with world domination than releasing Time. How do you reply to that?"
"That was always a priority, but the delay of Time was purely accidental. It's a very personal project, and I want it to be perfect. Overthrowing the Finnish goverment was merely a hobby. Did you know the world is controlled by the illuminatii?"
"Oh God, not this again"
"Obama is a figure-head for the organisation. He's not even human. Look how cool he his."
"Right. A figure-head. Of the illuminatii. "
"Don't write that down either. If they know that I know, they'll kill me.. or try to. Kai is only a month away from finishing his Drum powered "Powered Exoskeleton" armour."
"Whatever you say."
Jari pulls out a guitar and plays a riff for about 2 minutes. It's the most beautiful piece I have ever heard.
"That was incred-"
Jari smashes the guitar, and crushes the bridge, the wood compacting and splintering in his mighty fist, which is also forming the well known \m/ symbol. He emits the manliest scream I have ever heard. I can hear wolves baying somewhere in the distance. I breifly wonder why there are wolves in Helsinki.
"Hmm. Not good enough."
Jari stares at his hand, there are some small cuts, but I swear I see them dissappear, just as he closes his fist.
"Um... where is Kai?"
"Kai is at his home now, at his castle in Finland, working on his drumming for the next album, as well as my power armour, if he knows what's good for him."
"Tell me, please, where do you get your creativity from?"
Jari pauses, in deep thought, thinking hard about what to say.
"Excuse me?"
"Stamps. You know, like, stamp collections. I really like the taste of the glue. I tried licking fresh envelopes, but it's not the same. Sometimes I just open up my stamp collection and stare at it for about an hour and ten minutes and I know exactly what need to be put in each song. I started playing concerts with them stuck all over my guitar."
"Of course my fans are a big help. I feel very close to each and every one of them"
"You're sitting on one right now."
"Yes, this is Versus_Terminus19. He has taken a vow of silence and is training to be my personal bodygaurd. At the moment though, he is best used as a chair."
"You mentioned Kai is still working on Time? I thought the drum-work was done."
"Well, I've continuously been writing new material ever since the self-titled album was finished, even now I can hear new guitar riffs and bass lines forming in my mind. *(Jari takes out a pencil and notepad and jots down some notes while he's talking)* I estimate that I currently have enough material for ten more albums. Not inculding songs for my other side projects; Summersun, Springsun, Autumnsun and Aftersun."
8:32 pm - 2 comments - 0 Kudos
Friday, March 20, 2009
Sunday, August 03, 2008

The Rise of Hansi

In the far dark corners of Germany, one man rose to power... Aided by his Power Metal band, he discovered the secret...to creating life. Thousands of times over this man cloned himself, unbeknownst to his band members. The fools just assumed that Hansi was using a layer technique, but no, they were all singing at once. And now, now is his time. The rise of the Hansi has begun.

It started out like any other day in the land of Hessia
A small group of travellers were climbing up Mt. Frostb1tten, when they heard a noise. This was unlike anything they'd ever heard before however, this was the epic cry of Hansi Kursch, amplified by the Sacred Spinal Tap amplifier, with the volume all the way up to 11. Unable to handle the volume of the epic falsetto, Mt. Frostb1tten collapsed, and sent an avalanche tumbling down towards a nearby village. Hansi knew he had to do something, but he couldn't do it alone...

From North, South, East, and West he amassed his army, lurking in the shadows of the world, with his sacred cry. Flocking from all corners they grouped together and melted the avalanche with the mighty sound of their combined voices. Their power was realized on that day.

They had saved the village and were heroes, but lust for power soon overtook the Hansi's. Rather than use their powers for good, they started on a long trail of conquest and plundering, using their voices to lull their victims to sleep, or to destroy them with their face-melting rasps. Almost all of Hessia had succumbed to their wrath, except for the king of Hessia, Supreme Overlord Akerfeldt, whose epic beard had kept the nation stable for years...

And so they planned, performing live at various places in Sweden often, tricking the audience who clearly did not know the Bards and their songs into dying. The money was gathered, but no show was performed.

Mikael would not have this. So down from Opet he descended to challenge the true original Hansi to a duel of the fates. Not a vocal battle, because surely he would lose that, but a test of loyalty to the Hessian spirit.

He placed before Hansi #1 a razor and shaving cream, and closed his eyes...

The one true Hansi picked up the sprayed the shaving cream over Mikael's beard and raised the razor. Just when he was about to shave off the beard, he stopped, and remembered how it used to be; how he was once a hero...
he dropped the razor, proving his loyalty.
All the hessians who had gathered for a show were not to be disappointed, as the mythical union of blind guardian and opeth came to be, and its awesome epicness destroyed the evil Hansi clones and brought the fallen Hessians back to life

Hansi realized the mistake and how power corrupted. Mikael promised to leave it as a past and future secret that no one in all of Hessia would know. Hansi thanked him and offered to do guest vocals on Opeth's new album for atonement, an idea that went down well with Mikael. All was right in Hessia... For now.

And the story ends...
3:03 pm - 1 comments - 2 Kudos
Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Modern nursery rhymes

Modern nursery rhymes.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won 10 grand with Claims Direct.

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its Bottom
and turned its wool to nylon.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.

Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and everywhere that Mary went
the boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
'twas split right up the front
But she didn't wear that one very often
old mother hubbard went to her cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone
but when she bnt over
rover took over
and gave her a bone of his own

little miss muffet
sat on her tuffet
eating her curds and weigh
when along came a spider
who sat down beside her
and said "whats in the bowl bitch?"
8:44 am - 3 comments - 3 Kudos
Sunday, June 22, 2008

Winner 2007 email of the year

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had
accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled”You're an ass hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ’asshole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him
up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone
company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you’re an asshole!" And hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW ass hole, too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
He said, "Yes, it is."
I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
He said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It's a yellow rambler, and the car's parked right out in front."

I asked, "What's your name?" He said, "My name is Don Hansen, “
I asked, "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I'm home every evening after five."
I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
He said, "Yes?"
I said, "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea.
I called asshole #1.
He said, "Hello."
I said, "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah,"
He screamed, "Stop calling me,"
I said, "Make me,"
He asked, "Who are you?"
I said, "My name is Don Hansen."
He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?"
I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in
Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer
parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you
had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, ass hole,"
and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, "Hello?" I said, "Hello, asshole,"
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
I said, "You'll what?"
He exclaimed, "I'll kick your ass,"
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war
going down in Oaktree Blvd. in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead
news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew. NOW I feel much better. Anger management really does work!!!!!
5:37 pm - 2 comments - 0 Kudos
Sunday, June 22, 2008


Note: actually read the following, stick with it, who knows it may even make you laugh…possibly.

A general greeting
An abbreviation of the term or phrase “what’s up” Also “wassup”

Sup1: /sup/v. & n. ●v.tr. (Supped, supping) 1 take (soup, tea, etc.) by sips or spoonfuls. 2. esp. N.Engl. Colloq. Drink (alcohol).
●n. a sip of liquid. [OE sūpan]
v. 1 see SIP v. 2 see DRINK v.2. ●n. see sip.n.

Sup2: /sup/ v.intr. (Supped, sipping) (usu. Foll. By off, on archaic take supper.) [OF super, soper]
●see DINE.

Sup- /sup, des/ prefix assim. Form of SUB- before p.

=>To use with a question mark is to question the person that the comment is directed at “what’s up?”
=>To use without the use of the question mark is to use the term in order to shorten the formalities. It requires no response.

Sup is commonly used in the place of words or phrases such as:
- Hi
- Hello
- How’s it going?
- What’s going on?
- How are you?
Or how’s it hanging? See also “hangin” pg 5 chapter 2. (not included)

Sup is commonly used in the context of a formality (see above)

This word usually takes place in the vocabulary of:
- Gangsters
- Home dog’s
- Bros
- Nigaro’s
- Nigaro cheeses
- Hombre’s
- Dog’s (see also “home dog”;)
- Pimps
- Homie G’s
- Hard-outs
- Try-hards
- The truly sad individual

Sup is also used by what we commonly refer to as a bogan when it is not in his/her interest to complete the word “supper”. (See above)

Sup to you too. Have a nice day.

Michael Richardson,
5:36 pm - 0 comments - 0 Kudos
Sunday, June 22, 2008

Yes... But what does Zataproximetacine do?

An observational piece about the mis-information of advertising

US pharmaceutical advertisers face a difficult dilemma. Because of truth-in-advertising laws, any commercial giving indications for a regulated drug must give full disclosure of side effects.
This means that drug commercials come in the following three flavors:
• "Healthoxine. Because you're worth it." The "reminder" commercial alternates shots of flowered meadows, senior citizens, and doctors, all while saying generally positive things about nothing in particular and mentioning the name of the drug. Turns out that the medicine reduces one particular type of kidney inflammation and has a side effect of violent diarrhea. This type is far less common these days; most commercials that still do this are the ones that give you help down there, because, due to social mores, they can't directly name what their product does anyway- most notably the Super Bowl ad for Levitra (or was it Cialis?) that showed someone throwing a football through a tire swing.

Some of these ads tried to skirt the issue by naming another drug indicated for the same thing.
• "Ask your doctor if Happypills are right for you." This commercial actually does tell you what the pill is for, and then spends the rest of the commercial breaking the bad news gently: "If you have seasonal allergies, Mxyzptlkacine may be right for you. Side effects of Mxyzptlkacine are uncommon, and include headache, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, stomach pain, acid reflux, cardiac arrhythmia, varicose veins, darkened stool, lycanthropy, arteriosclerosis, hemorrhoids, gender impermanence, sugar high, more vomiting, death, and mild rash." Not all countries permit this form.
• "Why live with the heartbreak of psoriasis?" A newer breed of commercial, the "help-seeking spot" doesn't even mention the brand at all. Instead, it poses as a public service announcement, offering a pamphlet you can receive offering information on treatment options for a certain disease... "including a prescription treatment option." This one line is the real reason for the commercial; the pamphlet is an ad for the company's new drug, and the company wants you to read it since, in print, they're still allowed to hide the list of side effects in 1 point font.
There is a fourth category of medical commercial, and that is the erectile dysfunction treatment commercial. You never know what you're going to get with these.

Examples and... other things:
• KY Jelly, the noted personal lubricant, made a venture into television advertising while saying nothing at all besides "KY: The number one doctor recommended brand." Brand of what was never addressed. Nowadays, they can actually get away with saying they're a personal lubricant.
o More famously, the gluestick-like Head-On, whose 10 second commercial consisted almost entirely of, "Head-On! Apply directly to the forehead." It's never stated what it cures (headaches), likely because that would be false advertising. (This editor has never heard of a topical medicine healing an internal ailment, not to mention that Head-On is actually based on pseudoscience.)
• A short arc in the The Boondocks comic strip concerns Granddad's attempts to figure out what the hell a drug commercial means when it says that its product will help you get "Back in the game". When Huey finally tells him, he gets sent to his room.
• There is a commercial for a flea medication for dogs that actually has a list of side effects. By all means, we want Fido to be healthy, but a list of side effects on a commercial like that just feels odd.
• Spoofing the "list of side effects" roll call has almost become a trope in itself for general use. (Just see this entry, for example.) Such lists have about a 90% chance of including "death" as one of the side effects. Often, the side effects include exactly the thing the fake product is billed to get rid of. The side effects are always at least a little ridiculous, but the degree of ridiculousness depends on the series doing the spoofing. Series with fantasy elements can get pretty crazy here. See also The Long List.
o Jeff Foxworthy chimes in: "'For itchy, watery eyes, it's Floraflor. Side effects may include: nausea, vomiting, water weight gain, lower back pain, receding hairline, eczema, seborrhea, psoriasis, itchy chafing clothing, liver spots, blood clots, ringworm, excessive body odor, uneven tire wear, pyorrhea, gonorrhea, diarrhea, halitosis, scoliosis, loss of bladder control, hammertoe, the shanks, low sperm count, warped floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback, heart attack, low resale value on your home, feline leukemia, athlete's foot, head lice, club foot, MS, MD, VD, fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage, tooth decay, split ends, parvo, warts, unibrow, lazy eye, fruit flies, chest pains, clogged drains, hemorrhoids, dry heaving, and sexual dysfunction.' I'm thinking I'll just stick with itchy, watery eyes."
o Bob the Angry Flower presents a list consisting entirely of increasingly severe instances of the same effect.
o "Panexa . Ask your doctor for a reason to take it."
o Unusually for a parody of this trope, Eternazec 's side effects are logically tied to the primary effect. Oh, except for itchy armpits.
o However, it's an ad for E*Trade , spoofing the whole thing by showing the usual meadow shots during the listing, that uses perhaps the all-time champion list of preposterous side effects: "Nozulla may cause the following symptoms: itchy rashes, full body hair loss, projectile vomiting, gigantic eyeball, the condition known as 'hot dog fingers,' children born with the head of a golden retriever, seeing the dead, bone liquification, possession by the Prince of Darkness, tail growth, elderly pregnancy...."
o Pure Drivel by Steve Martin contains an essay entitled "Side Effects," which lists the side effects for a medication that relieves joint pain. The side effects start with joint pain and go on for about ten pages, with this editor's favorite being "May cause stigmata in Mexicans."
o Order Of The Stick manages to hide foreshadowing in such a list .
o The humorous song "Pillagers" contains an add for Liquiflox, a fluid to help you take more pills. Its side effects include "an urge to buy a house from Ikea" and "death and reincarnation as a slug."
o Bloom County had a Sunday comic about the incredible dangers of snorting dandelions, which included spontaneous decapitation and turning into Woody Allen. In the last panel, Steve Dallas snorts it anyway.
o Odd side effects aren't always spoofs. Consider these:
 Some sleep medicines list as a side effect "drowsiness"... others list "insomnia". Think they got their bases covered there.
 Also watch out, as they might cause you to "drive while asleep, with amnesia for the event". Yeah, that's perfectly safe.
 Antidepressants "may increase suicidal thoughts in teens". ...I thought this was exactly what a medicine prescribed to treat depression was supposed to get rid of.
 This troper would like to note that it's because it might not be the right drug for the type of depression. She is not disagreeing with the "WTF?!" reaction to it, though.
 This effect is a result of antidepressants' tendency to give people the energy and resolve to do what they want to do before it makes people stop wanting to kill themselves. Whoops.
 And of course, no article would be complete without mentioning the immortal "Contact your doctor if you receive an erection lasting longer than 4 hours."
 Then again, the people writing the lists of warnings may simply not be paying attention. After all, you have some children's cough medicine with the warning "Do not operate heavy machinery."
• Mad TV did a skit parodying this, not by concocting a ridiculous list of side effects, but by advertising the party drug MDMA (Ecstacy) as a Zoloft-like antidepressant. (It'll give you the serotonin boost you're looking for, but will also turn you into Dopamine Boy/Girl.)
• An early, and now classic use of this trope was the Happy Fun Ball parody ad on Saturday Night Live.
• Teen Titans had a parody of a magical drug, Zinthos , during a Trapped In TV Land episode. Raven usually intones "Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos" when using her powers, the comercial advertised Zinthos as from the makers of Azarath and Metrion. Some of the effects of this drug mirror her changes when she loses control of her powers: Multiple eyes, disturbing visions, fits of rage (though not bloating, cramping or loss of hair, thankfully). It also says not to get Zinthos wet, or feed it after midnight, a Shout Out to the Gremlins movies.
• Stephen Colbert of The Colbert Report has a segment about health where he constantly pushes a drug for any purpose under a different label every time he does the segment. The drug has such side effects as minor heart explosions, vivid dreams of self-cannibalization, growing teeth (often in the mouth), spontaneous pregnancy, and increased chances of vampire attack.
• Some adverts (also prevalent in print media) simply state: "Ask your doctor about _________'s story."
• Back in the '80s, when Rogaine was still a prescription drug, television commercials about it were pretty vague about what it did, except inasmuch as it pertained in some manner to an active lifestyle. Absent outside information, the most obvious conclusion to reach was that it had something to do with skiing.
• Ads for certain pills on sports programs in the USA are notorious for their creepiness, and their listing of bizarre side effects like blue vision, or six hour, um, well.. you know.
• One nasal spray currently being marketed for treatment of seasonal allergies lists "nasal fungus" among its potential side effects. We'll stick with the sniffling, thank you.
• Parodied by ads for the Nissan Versa. Then again, a lot of prescription drug names sound like they should be car names and vice, um, versa.

5:34 pm - 0 comments - 0 Kudos
Sunday, June 15, 2008


1. If I'm not back in five minutes... wait longer! also
2. Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up.'
3. Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
4. Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.
5. Dont you hate it in friends when they come too late to help.
6. Rehab Is for Quitters.
7. There's too much blood in my alcohol system. Alchol It's not just for breakfast anymore.
8. Did you ever think that making a speech on economics is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it never does to anyone else.
9. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be
10. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
11. They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
12. If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
13. I find television very educating Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
14. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
3:08 pm - 0 comments - 0 Kudos
Sunday, June 15, 2008

Brief Summary Of Metal

The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave… without the princess.

The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her a few times, then leaves.

The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomises the princess, and drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon after eating her soul.

The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads its guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That’s the end of the sad story.

The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the princess’ bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year at the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the “HEAVY METAL” protagonist.

The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy’s appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess’ make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.

The protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

The protagonist arrives, shouts something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves.

Ville Valo (Who Else) arrives, sees the dragon has gone to a Megadeth concert, finds the princess, sees it's not a guy and cries into his silk pillow for 20 minutes. The princess gets pissed off, and beats him up.

The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards the dragon and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.

The protagonists’ mother drives the protagonist and his friends to the castle. He kills the dragon with some awesome armspinning and spinkicking while his friends observing the scene with their arms crossed; then the princess laughes at the protagonists ridiculous hairstyle and the boys leave weeping.

The protagonist hitchhikes to the castle, asks the dragon for some bucks, buys some cans of beer, gets pissed, insults the princess as “monarchist cunt” and “commerce bitch” and leaves the castle in a black maria.

The Protagonist arrives at the castle without any clothes on and grunts loudly for a few minutes. Then he fucks the dragon in every body cavity it has, kills the dragon, fucks the carcass the same way again, grunts loudly again for a few minutes, grabs the princess and fucks her in every body cavity she has, kills her and fucks her in the same way again. Then he piles up the dragon’s and princess’s remains, fucks them in every body cavity they have, grunts loud

The protagonist arrives in a limo. The dragon lets them in as long as they sign an autograph for its mum who is a big fan. The protagonist leaves with the princess and they get married.

The protagonist arrives along with a cold wind of winter in the middle of the night, frustrates the heck out of the dragon untill it dies of fear and desolation, comes to the princess and discusses how to clean make- ups without inflicting skin irritation.

The protagonist swings his feet and arms about wildly, accidently knocking the dragon out. Then he storms off in anger that someone messed up his dance routine
3:06 pm - 1 comments - 2 Kudos
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