even though it just started, its been not very great...
(its 12:45 here, so just after noon)
..I woke up at 12, went downstairs and got some breakfast
while I'm eating, I get a phone call..
I don't think you were around when I was talking about this friend before, but in a nutshell, for about 2 years, we were best friends.. then she started getting back into drugs and stuff, and started trying to use me for money/rides/ect. and from then on, we've been kind on and off as friends. she tries to take advantage of me, so I stop talking to her. she comes back in a week with a big apology and all that, then it happens all over again.
then a few weeks a go I just stopped talking to her. it hurts me too much to hope shes the person she used to be, then find out she just wants to gain my trust back for something she wants to gain..
..so she calls me..
"Hello?" "Hey, what're you doing right now?" "Uhhh, just eating some froot loops, you?" "Wanna drive me to McDonalds?" "umm. not really.. I'm not dressed or anything, anyway, and I"m already eating.." "so get dressed?" "..but I"m already eating.." "please?" "...do you even have any money?" ".....no" "so then why would you even ask me?" "I'd only get something from the $1.39 menu...its not that much.." "..no. find someone else to take money from.."
and so on..
..so I'm just not in the best mood, cause i get my hopes up too easily (that maybe shes back to who she used to be), then let myself get hurt too badly(that no. shes not even close to who she used to be, and shes only kept my friendship for monetary gain)...
..bleh..
/long reply.
I"ll put it in a blog in a few minutes, then delete most of this post..
..so basically, it's just all over the place.
she calls, so I get my hopes up that she's back to the person I was best friends with, then I let myself get too hurt that she's not changed..
I was talking to primus about this a bit yesterday in the hugging thread, but here goes..
basically my dillemma about what I"m doing as far as school, work, how I get there, and where I"m living. It's really been stressing me out lately, on top of other crap thats been going on...(see last 2 blogs)
Imma break it up into sections again.
a) current situation b) what I want, and lots of hypothetical numbers c) my options/ pros and cons d) end
a)
So lets start with where I am now.
I'm in my second semester for electronics right now. I"m living at home (and not at all enjoying it), and I work at canadian tire. I get next to no hours at work because my school schedule is so messed up, and the economy doesn't help..
The car I drive right now is owned by my parents, and they pay half the insurance for me because work is so slow, and I need it to get to school.
Basically, I don't want to go to college for electronics anymore. I love stuff like audio electronics and working on things related to guitars/amps/effects, but my classes just weren't what I was expecting, and I can't see it as something I want to do for the rest of my life. I'd like to keep working on music-related electronics as a hobby, maybe make a few bucks on the side repairing stuff, but not a career, really.
What I want to do is work full time for this summer and next year. then in september of 2010, go to a school for music.
which is where some issues start. My parents think I should stay in school for electronics for the final 2 semesters, then look into something for music. They think it's important for me to finish this course, and they've offered to pay for my next year of school because of that.
Also, since the only reason they pay half the insurance on the car is because it's how I get to school, I'll be stuck with the full insurance bill. that is, if they even let me use the car, since it's theirs.
With all this in mind, I definately DONT want to be living at home for any longer than nessecary... I feel like I'm getting smothered here, to put in as few words as possible..
b)
So I'll go through the 'ideal' situation first. I need to look further into costs of certain things before expecting this to be realistic. I find a part time job where I actually get hours until this semester's over, then I work full time from april 2009 to september 2010. I'm guaranteed a job at a warehouse where my cousin is a manager, and does some of the hiring. He says as long as I'm in need of a job, it's there for me to take.
The pay is anywhere between $10 and $16 an hour, with 40 hours a week. $13/hr at 40hrs/week is roughly $520 a week..
So I live at home and work full time until either late 2009, or early 2010. For the numbers, I'll use 40 weeks as my 'mark'. Thats late april09 to the last week of january '10. At the rate I mentioned above, I'll say i'm making about $500 a week. it's on the lower side of the range I can get paid, just to be 'safe'..
living at home, I spend about $100 a week on food and other random crap, so bring my earnings to $400/week. which brings me to about $16000 over the 40 weeks (late april09 to the end of jan10). In the past year I've spent about $1000 on guitar gear, and theres always other random expenses to consider.
so I would be up approximately $14000. And I would say I'm estimating on the low side of things..
Thats not including the cost of insurance. I know my parents won't be paying any of the insurance in this situation, but I think I'll still be allowed using the car, providing I pay the insurance. both my parents have their own cars, and the acura would go unused if they didnt let me use it, so it would make sense. I didn't include the insurance in the numbers, because my sister's getting her license in may, and will also use the car. So I'll have the car to go to work while she's at school, then we arrange who needs it for what after school/on weekends. So we'll be splitting the cost of insurance, which works out nicely. A female primary driver, and more drivers than vehicles means big drop in price. So for reference, the cost of insurance'll be "I".
So then in january of 2010, I'll have ~$14000 minus I, and I"ll still be working full time.
at this point, moving out would be really nice. And I have another option here.
roommate or no roommate?
theres a few people I know who might be interested in splitting the cost of rent, so that'll be in my options..
I"ll still be making ~$500 a week, minus ~$120 for food (I'll actually buy groceries, not just fast food and stuff. thats why the $120 at my own place isnt much higher than the $100 at home.) so about $380 a week before rent and insurance.
4 weeks per month means I"m making ~$1520 per month. If I spend $900 a month on rent, thats $620 per month in 'profit'. thats added to the 14k I've got saved up in the bank.
so I go on like that until september, and I've got an extra $4300 or so, minus average splurging again, put it around $3300.
So I've got about ~$17300 in the bank, minus I and my means of transportation while living on my own.
If I split rent with a roommate/friend at $1000/month for rent, split $500/$500. I make ~$1020/month, accumulate ~$7140 by sept., minus spending. Which means I've got about $21000 in the bank, minus I and the cost of transport while living on my own.
Around the time I move out, I apply for a school of music, and assuming I get in, I start going in september '10, and find a part time job while I study.
So for my options in the next section, I can just hope that the $21k or 17k, minus (I, minus transportation on my own, minus the cost of school), plus (the amount I make working part time during school) = a number greater than 0
C)
Which brings me to my options..
1) [What my parents want] Continue living at home, go back to school for electronics, find a job in the electronics feild, save up, move out, then eventually study music when I've got a stable career in elec.
2) [What my parents call a compromise]. Go back to school for electronics next year, find a job in electronics for a year or two, then start music studies.
3) [My ideal; no roommate, no car]. Work for a year, move out in that year with no roommate, and use public tranportation.
4) [My ideal, roommate, no car]. Same as above, but with a roommate, still using public transportation.
5) [My ideal, no roommate, car]. Same as 2 up, but with no roommate, and assuming I can swing the expenses of a vehicle.
6) [My ideal, roommate, car]. Whether we share a vehicle or each have our own, same as above, but with a roommate, and we have a car.
The pros and cons of each:
1)[What my parents want] Pros: My next year of school is paid for, and I'll have a fairly steady job in electronics. This also means my parents'll still provide a car for a while, if I provide insurance money.
Cons: I'll be doing something I don't totally want to do. I barely pay attention in class lately, because I'm just not enthused about it.. So i'm ok money-wise, but not doing what I want for a while.. I'm also at home for longer than I think I can stand..
2)[parents 'compromise'] Pros: next year of school's paid for, car is available
Cons: pretty much the same as above. not what I really want to be doing, and I'm stuck at home for a while..
3) [My ideal, no roommate, no car] Pros: I go into music, which is what I love, and I get to be out on my own
Cons: no roommate = more money for rent, and public transportation can be a bitch..
4) [MI, roommate, no car] Pros: I go into music, I'm out of my parents house, and a roommate keeps rent costs a little bit down.
Cons: public transport is still difficult, money may get tight.
5) [MI, no roommate, with a car] Pros: Doing what I love in music, out of parents house, and I have wheels.
Cons: Theres almost no way I can make this work financially, I don't think.
6) [MI, roommate, car] Pros: music is what I love, I'm out of my parents house, a roommate helps keep costs down a bit, and we have wheels, even if we share a vehicle.
Cons: vehicle coordination/sharing could have some conflicts, but theres always public transport/friends if theres an issue. money may be tight, as well, but I think we could get by with what we've got.
d)
So I think option 6 is what I'm aiming for. I have a few friends who would make excellent roommates, and who have shown interest in moving out, as well.
Sorry for such a long read again, but all this is really overwhelming to me, and I needed to just get it all down into basic ideas.
she doesnt want to listen.... ..I feel like just giving up with her..
edit: yeah, she's throwing me over the edge. i'm done.
edit2: what just did it for me was when she was talking to me earlier today..
she asked if I could give her a ride home from some guys house at midnight tonight.. I said no, because it's too late for me to go out with school in the morning, and its all the way across town..
its one thing for her to ask for a ride if she really needed it, but then she started going off about how she expected me to be a better friend than that. That I'm not a good friend because I won't be her taxi, pretty much..
thats what did it for me.. She's becoming too much like how she was last time she started doing drugs this often, but she doesn't even realize because she won't listen when I try to tell her.
part of me wants to try to stay close, because I think what she needs is someone to show they really care.
but the other part of me sees that she won't accept that I want to care about her, she'd rather try to take advantage of me, and that's the person she's been lately, so I don't think I can keep on being that caring person for her if she keeps hurting me by just ...being how she's been...
edit3:
in the last few days she started talking to me and seemed really apologetic, so I went over to her house and we talked and made oreo cheesecake and she seemed serious about not wanting to do any more drugs, and pretty much going back to how she was. which was good, because I was willing to be there for her doing that.
but I"m afraid I may have just gotten my hopes up..
today she called me, and was pretty much back to the same way as before..
Heres my ramblings on whats been upsetting me lately, hugging thread residents..
I split it up into sections for a bit of organization.. You can go ahead and skip to 'c)', 'd)', and 'e)' if you like, but 'a)' and 'b)' give a background. Its stuff she knows about and I've told her, but I feel like I need to get it out in one big thing. Just to have it out there, you know?
a) Is from the beginning. Its what I think is making this harder than it normally would be. It shows how once she started doing drugs, she became a really insensitive person towards me.
b) Is after we started talking again and we started becoming close.
c) Is like the decline. It's what leads to the situation we're in.
d) Is the current situation.
e) is a conclusion sort of thing
a)
Alright, so lets start at the beginning. I first met her (I wont use her name here, thats why you'll see 'her' so much), and she was just like, the average high-school kid.. or what i'd classify as the average high-school kid. Experimenting a bit with drugs, but nothing that heavy, and not often..
Once I actually was friends with her, drugs weren't an issue at all, and I started to really like her. She felt the same, and we went on a few unofficial dates, but after having a look at how it was working, we figured it was best as just friends. I liked her more than she liked me, and she still had some feelings for her ex.. I didn't want to be in a relationship where she had feelings for someone else, and I knew I'd end up getting hurt if we tried to 'work it out'..
So not long later, we still talk as friends, and shes getting into smoking weed lots with her ex..
I dunno if you guys have had this feeling, but like, the feeling where you're friends with someone, but when you think about it, you think you'd be capable of really liking that person if they really liked you (really liked in the sense of early into a relationship. like you feel you'd have the feelings to make it work if the other person was willing to)?
I dunno if thats just me, but thats kinda how I felt..
We were just friends, I wanted to be just friends, but I knew if we were both willing to go for something more, I'd be able to feel emotionally attached enough to do it. Like, I want to be friends, but down somewhere theres a bit of me that likes her still. If that makes sense. I cant really explain it how I'd like, but anyway...
So yeah, shes getting more and more into drugs with her ex, and whenever I talk to her now, shes just different. In a bad way..
But I still think I liked her on some level..
And she took advantage of that. She knew that if she acted how I wanted her to around me, I liked her too much to see through it when she was like that, and I"d do whatever...buy her crap, drive her places, stuff like that.
Every time I did something for her I'd realize afterwards that I'm just being used, and that really hurt me. And I knew that I'd feel like that before I"d do it, but for some reason I just kept going along with it. By now I'd really started to like her alot, and she was just leading me on, taking me for everything I was worth. And for whatever reason I kept going along with it, hoping maybe she actually liked me as much as I liked her, but I just kept getting led on and hurt.
Note that at this point she's getting even more into drugs with her ex and ex's friends..
One day, she'd invited me to come see her school rugby game (there were two other girls on the team I knew that'd invited me anyway, but it was during school, so I'd have to skip and drive over to her school, so I probably wouldnt have gone without her inviting me, even if the other two had). Anyway, I went, just to find she'd gotten back with the ex.
She didnt say a word to me that day.
She didnt make eye contact with me.
The closest to any kind of communication I got from her was a text (I didnt realize I"d gotten it until after the game, but still..) I cant remember exactly what it said, but it was along the lines of "what are you doing here? I don't want you here.", and similar comments.
that hurt me so bad..
Two days before, I thought she really liked me as much as I liked her, blind to her using me still. And now she just cut me off. She was extra clingy to her new boyfriend if she saw me glance that way, she sent her 'friends' over to where I was standing to try to intimidate me and break me down..
Basically, she'd just turned into a super bitch.
on a side note, I figured this deserved a mention: one of my other friends who was playing in the rugby game knew the situation I was in, she was a mutual friend of ours, and had seen this coming from a mile away. I"m sure anyone else could have seen it coming, too, but...anyway.. That day she (the other friend) just showed me so much love and comforted me so much and helped keep my mind off how badly destroyed I was getting emotionally. That just really touched me, I thought i'd throw it in here as my huge thank you to her for being there then, and for still being there. and don't worry, she knows how thankful I am. I'm not just putting it in here without letting her know how big a part she played in me making it through that day.
..and after that day, I stopped talking to her. you can understand why, I'm sure.
b)
Around 8-10 months pass.
I eventually moved on, as we all do with time. I met other girls in that time, had my share of rough times, had my share of good times, blah blah blah.
8-10 months pass.
I hadn't thought to block her from msn in that time, she'd blocked me on rugby day and kept me blocked until somewhere around the next sentence, so it hadn't crossed my mind.
This was probably closer to 9ish months after rugby day, and she signed on msn, so she'd unblocked me. I don't remember exactly how the conversation went, but much of it was her aplogizing for being suck a jerk to me the whole time we'd known eachother, prety much. I was a bit hesitant to accept the apology, but after some long talks, I started to see she was being serious. She was like a different person than I'd known at any other point that I've known her. I talked to her a few times in real life mixed in with the msn conversations, and I was starting to see that she was serious about being sorry..
She wasn't the girl I wanted a relationship with.
She wasn't the girl using me for my car, money, and rich white name.
She wasn't the superbitch I'd last encountered.
She was just like some new girl trying to get her life straightened out.
She wasn't with the old boyfriend anymore, she was drug-free, and she was giving real effort to better herself. So I accepted her apology, and we started new as friends.
Eventually, we got to be really good friends. We were past what'd happened before, and I think it's actually strengthened us as friends, because it meant that right as we re-started being friends, we were both completely open about what'd happened, which I think allowed us to open up to eachother easier further into our friendship.
So sparing the details, because I know, this blog is hella long already, we got to be really close. We both had someone to be open with and to comfort and to be comforted by. Having a female friend like that really helped me in lots of situations. I get emotional like a girl, to put it simply. So having a girl who'll accept that and just generally be a great friend is an amazing kind of friend to have, and helped us be close.
Of course, we had our times when we disagreed and argued and there were ups and downs in our friendship, but thats just how it is. Basically, we were eachothers best friend of the opposite sex, if not best friends overall.
c)
Sometime a bit more than a month ago, we started drifting apart a bit.
I think both of us were just pretty lonely, even though we had eachother and were there for eachother and loved eachother all on a friend level, we both wanted someone else in each of our lives that could be there to be more than just a friend..
She dated a couple different guys for short amounts of time, but wasnt really content with any of them. Some of them I really didnt understand why she was going for....they were just shallow jerks, and she couldnt see that (although I guess thats how it works.. its hard to notice when you're getting played by a shallow jerk if you're temporaily satisfied with them)
So this whole time, I"m still feeling pretty lonely, and we'd started gowing further apart because she was off looking for someone to stop herself from feeling lonely. Which just added to me feeling a more lonely, cause I saw some of the jerks she'd have encounters with, and wondered how jerks like them could get girls, while me, this sensitive and caring ball of emotional openness to being there and caring for and loving someone, was stuck all by himself in his room writing sad songs about it...
..I kinda started rambling there, but you can see how I feel about this, at least. we were growing apart searching for our own happiness, or waiting to stumble upon it, or whatever.
Then she met this guy I'd known a while ago, and really took a liking to him. They dated, but her really good (girl) friend and the new guy seemed to like eachother more, so they ended it, and her friend and the new guy started dating ( to break up soon after). Thats what probably started the shift back into drugs for her.
Where usually I'd be there with arms wide open comforting her through it, I was all reclusive and feeling so lonely that we'd grown apart and it wasnt so easy anymore... So I wasn't there for her like I should have been when this boy she's crazy about left for her best friend.
The 'new guy' seemed like a really nice guy for a while, but both her and her friend were crazy about him, and he wasn't (and still isn't) being very helpful to the situation. He jumps back and forth between the two, depending on how he feels. He's with one of them and the other gets jealous and is all over him, so he goes to that one. Then the first one gets jealous and is all over him to get him back, and he goes to her. It just repeats. It's not good for either of them emotionally.
It's not even good for me emotionally, seeing this guy being a jerk who can jump back and forth between these amazing girls getting whatever he wants, while I'm all alone, still.
I need to clear up that I'm not jealous that he gets her, specifically, as some people have accused that I like her and thats why I feel so lonely about it. Thats not the case at all. Its the fact that I don't understand how jerk guys can get all the breaks, and I can't even meet the right girls most of the time..
d)
So because of this, she started getting back into drugs, and lately I've been seeing the same sort of things happen that happened last time (in part a).
In part a, she was leading me on, while she was still interested in her ex.
Recently, I've seen the same pattern.
She's crazy about the 'new guy' I mentioned, but is trying to fill the gaps with these poor other guys who she just leads on then forgets about.
It's all the more painful to watch her do this, because its what happened to me all over again.
What makes it worse is we seem to be further apart nowadays, so I can't talk to her about it as easily. Part of it is that because we're a bit further apart, shes not as open to listening to me about it.
And part is because this is how she gets when she gets into drug habits..
She holds back from me more, I think, and is just generally more distant. its hard to show someone you love them when they're pulling back..
e)
So to conclude all this jumbled mess:
Her drug use isn't making me worried about her health specifically.. I worry about her health, but since almost all of her recent drug use has been smoking weed, its more of the effects it has on her personality that are getting to me.
Because of the way she gets when she gets high often, I'm losing my best friend. Not in a physical sense, but in an emotional sense, and I'm a very emotional person..
It's like a canoe thats been untied from the dock. It got untied when the 'new guy' went and got with her friend. I was too stuck in my own world to realize it'd been untied, and it started to float away. Now the further away it drifts, the harder it is to reach.
I just need to be able to get through to her and show her how much I care about her, and how much even her relatively mild (compared to some peoples) drug use is affecting the person she is, because I'm sure she can't see it..
Thanks for reading this, whoever did. I was gonna ramble on about how much I love the hugging thread, but you all know i love you guys
and wow, I started typing at 10:50pm, according to the time at the top of the page...
It's now 2:38am, and I feel a little better with 3 and a half hours of emotions and tears out of me. As long as she's willing to listen, i think it'll be ok.
Miami airport, some pizza place near the gate, I met a girl from New Hampshire..
She was on her way to costa rica for spring break
One of those girls who can still look good after a 5 hour morning flight in track pants and a big sweater, and was super nice to talk to, even after being crammed in a plane for the first hours of her day.
I get attached way too easily
She'll probably go home in a week and never remember me, and we'll never see eachother again, but I hope she meets someone as amazing as her first impression was on me, and finds herself happy wherever she ends up.
I get attached way too easily
..I just needed to get that out. it amazes me that someone I only knew for such a short time could impact me like that. and yes, I get attached way to easily.
So I've realized that the only time I blog is pretty much when I cant sleep and have something to rant about..
if you looked at my last blog (I know, its super long, but tl;dr, I have to figure out what I'm doing as far as a [new] job, [new] school, moving out, and my love life..)
but things are kind of looking up lately..
My band played a short opening set at a church concert thing tonight, and everyone seemed to get into it, so thats pretty good..
And I met a few girls, so I guess being the frontman in a band really does help..
..I'm going back out now, so this blog isnt nearly as long as the last one..
| My Profile
james4's blogs, last updated : August 31, 2009
....
