esther_mouse

I'm sorry I can't talk. Partly it's because I'm lost myself, partly because...I'm terrified of beginning a conversation. I wish I could, I wish I could, I wish I could. But I just can't. I'm so sorry.

I very much want to be intoxicated right now. It'd be enough to help. But there's nothing...so I want to hurt instead, and I have a horrendous feeling it's going to happen and I'm going to go back to having to hide everything, for a little while.

I can't fucking talk about what's wrong. I couldn't tell the doctor, and now there's more that is even more untellable. I just want to die, so badly. It's a struggle not to. I don't think I'll struggle for long at all and I feel some relief at that. But I can't do anything else! There's nothing else to be done. I can't talk, I'm totally alone but I have no fucking SPACE, I know I'm going to do one thing I shouldn't, shouldn't, I don't know why I say that, stupid word, shouldn't. Why the hell not? There ARE no reasons.

So what if I hide my skin all summer?

So what if everyone hates me again, thinks I'm stupid or wrong?

So what?

I'm not going to be there long enough for it to MATTER.

I want my alcohol or my drugs, now. I fucking want them now. If I had them, I might live. I might also find it simpler to die without the extra thoughts. Either is something. I'm just lost. There's some reason I don't just give in, but I'm finding it hard to know what. I worry about people. That's why. They don't just let me go. Why don't they, why don't they. Fuck them.

So what if I get dragged to the hospital again, so what if I have to ignore a psychiatrist for another hour, so what if they lock me up, so fucking what, it's just a little more time spent in a haze before I die. And if I die tonight then a little harm doesn't hurt, even there. Ok.

I'm sorry I can't talk to anyone, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I'm a bitch to people, I was a newbie too once. I'm sorry I don't get what you're going through, or more sorry that I do, but don't show enough care. I'm sorry you wasted your time reading this.

Take care, guys.