As anyone who was in #tiredncranky will know, I spent pretty much the entire day drinking. It was fun. Drink is good. So is nice food. There was plenty of both.
I got some nice presents too
But my hangover was/is epic. Much sleep is required now. I looked like this this morning:
and I pretty much still do. Errrgh.
Ah well, was a good day. I had epic sparklers on my birthday cake. It said on the side of them: "Stand sideways. Light ignition head, then retire immediately to at least 1m". Sounded pretty scary, I was expecting explosions.
Looked like this (yes, that is a photo of four year old me printed on the cake):
I got given a traditional silver (plastic) key, as well, as it was my 21st. I tied it round my neck with a purple ribbon:
I did a new painting a couple days ago. Unfortunately my battery and charger have BOTH died for my digi cam, so it's a phone cam picture only:
And for the "seethrough" background? It's not seethrough. It's just a darkened version of the main background picture
Uhh, about me then I guess...my life's...normal. For me. I'm pretty miserable. That doesn't change
I miss some people on here a lot. But I know they never liked me anyway so it's cool I guess. I am the queen of running away from things that make me feel bad. Applause for me!
Haha, there's so much more important stuff that I can't even put into writing for various reasons. I still post in the Pit occasionally. It's like an addiction ;D
I'm sorry you guys. I even had some pretty pictures planned out. Guess no one'll see em unless in the future they invent a machine to scan dead brains.
I just feel so fucking miserable, and it doesn't stop.
Sorry, sorry.
Thanks for being here, anyone, everyone. Everyone who didn't hurt me. Thank you.
I set my profile to private because I'm just way insecure and odn't think I can deal with harsh comments or messages...
I just want to end anyway, close, close, close. Sorry. I love you guys only friends I had. But too much hurt. Too tired to write it all. Sorry.
This would be the right time to talk. People said I could PM them; talk to them; say anything. But I can't start conversations, I really can't, so it's useless right now. Pretty useless of me.
I'm sorry I can't talk. Partly it's because I'm lost myself, partly because...I'm terrified of beginning a conversation. I wish I could, I wish I could, I wish I could. But I just can't. I'm so sorry.
I very much want to be intoxicated right now. It'd be enough to help. But there's nothing...so I want to hurt instead, and I have a horrendous feeling it's going to happen and I'm going to go back to having to hide everything, for a little while.
I can't fucking talk about what's wrong. I couldn't tell the doctor, and now there's more that is even more untellable. I just want to die, so badly. It's a struggle not to. I don't think I'll struggle for long at all and I feel some relief at that. But I can't do anything else! There's nothing else to be done. I can't talk, I'm totally alone but I have no fucking SPACE, I know I'm going to do one thing I shouldn't, shouldn't, I don't know why I say that, stupid word, shouldn't. Why the hell not? There ARE no reasons.
So what if I hide my skin all summer?
So what if everyone hates me again, thinks I'm stupid or wrong?
So what?
I'm not going to be there long enough for it to MATTER.
I want my alcohol or my drugs, now. I fucking want them now. If I had them, I might live. I might also find it simpler to die without the extra thoughts. Either is something. I'm just lost. There's some reason I don't just give in, but I'm finding it hard to know what. I worry about people. That's why. They don't just let me go. Why don't they, why don't they. Fuck them.
So what if I get dragged to the hospital again, so what if I have to ignore a psychiatrist for another hour, so what if they lock me up, so fucking what, it's just a little more time spent in a haze before I die. And if I die tonight then a little harm doesn't hurt, even there. Ok.
I'm sorry I can't talk to anyone, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I'm a bitch to people, I was a newbie too once. I'm sorry I don't get what you're going through, or more sorry that I do, but don't show enough care. I'm sorry you wasted your time reading this.
So from now on, you're going to be asked unique questions, you ready?
Sure
Would you date someone who lived in another country?
I have done.
Who can you tell anything to?
I don't tell EVERYTHING to anyone...but I can tell Connor most things.
Whos the one girl you turn to?
I don't.
The one boy you turn to?
Connor.
Could you handle a long distance relationship?
I'm in one, and we've been together almost two years now.
When's the last time you said you were fine, but really weren't?
Pretty much everytime someone asks me how I am I'm not very honest about these things.
When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
When someone said something unkind earlier.
Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
Yeah, most of UG
Do you laugh a lot?
No more than anyone else.
Do you consider yourself lucky?
In some ways, yeah.
Connection between you and the last person who text messaged you?
He's my boyfriend
Do you think you're pregnant?
Nope. On the pill, for a start.
You have to get a facial piercing, what do you get?
Oh...ew...I don't really like piercings for myself. Um, lip probably, though.
You have to get a tattoo, where and what do you get?
Eeeeee...don't want a tattoo. I dunno, maybe a little mouse holding a star and a rose. That pretty much sums up me and my name. Somewhere unobtrusive. Inner wrist, maybe?
Could you cry right now?
Yeah.
Who was your last text from?
Connor.
Do you ever think about stuff and start crying?
Yes.
In the past week, have you cried?
Yes "Marley and Me" was sooo sad.
Have you ever been awake for 2 days straight?
Yeah.
What are the things you've heard people say about you?
Oh all sorts
Are you friends with your exes?
I'm not really friends with anyone in real life.
If you were an animal, what animal would you be and why?
A mouse, of course.
Are you mad at someone right now?
Not really.
who did you spend summer with last year?
Family, Connor.
Are you okay with the life you live?
I...don't know how to answer that. I don't hate my life. I like a lot of things about my life. I don't like life in general, much, at all. I spend much of my time in a lot of emotional pain. I'm not ok with that. But I'm ok with other things...but not everything. I'm not sure what this question refers to, really. There are things I would like to not have to live with.
Last person you told a secret to?
People on IRC. They probably don't realise it's a secret.
How many true friends you got?
I don't have any friends, really. Connor is my friend, but also boyfriend, if that counts.
Do you like hugs and kisses?
Very much.
Do you text/call during class?
I did, when I was younger. Texts, anyway.
Do you live in a "ghetto" neighborhood?
I live in facken' Essix, mayte.
No, not really
Did you say "fuck" today?
Probably.
Have you ever made fun of anybody and later became their friend?
Yes.
What you doing this friday?
I don't know.
Is there someone you wouldn't mind kissing right now?
Yes. Connor.
Are you realising something?
No.
what top you wearing?
Green jumper with 3/4 sleeves and v-neck.
What was the reason you got grounded for last?
I don't think I've ever been grounded. I'm certainly too old to be grounded now
Is the last person you kissed older than you?
Yes, by a whole six months
What was the last thing that you drank?
Cloudy lemonade.
If you could have one thing right now what would it be?
Ketamine.
How has this week been?
Painful, anxious, and worrying.
Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with an S?
Yes.
What are you doing tonight?
Feeling panicky, it would seem. And doing silly quizzes
Have you ever kissed someone you weren't dating?
Yes.
Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with an M?
Yes.
Your boyfriend / girlfriend cheats on you, do you finish it?
I really don't know. In the past, I didn't. I don't think Connor would ever cheat on me though, so...
What is the last song you sang outloud?
Uhh, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow". Eva Cassidy's version.
Is there anyone you hate?
There are people I dislike.
Are you alone?
Right now, yes, if you mean physically.
Did you have a good day yesterday?
I spent most of it asleep. I then woke up, had a migraine, and spent most of the night feeling increasingly anxious and suicidal. So no, I had a fucking shit day, thanks for asking.
Wow, that was weirdly angry of me.
If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose?
Uhhh, autumn is pretty good. So long as there is a mix of hot and cool days. Maybe spring. Flowers are pretty.
What were you doing last night at 11?
You don't want to know.
Are you in a good mood?
No.
Do you have any bruises on you?
Yeah, Ted caught my hand with his collar yesterday, I had a bruise on it now.
Are you easily scared by horror movies?
Immensely! I am scared by everything.
Are you in the middle of texting someone?
No...who texts and types at the same time?
Lets test your memory, what were you wearing during your last kiss?
Well, it was at the station in Coventry, so...I was wearing jeans, trainers, grey top, blue wool hoodie, big purple scarf, green corduroy coat. My memory is excellent.
what jacket did you wear last?
Black cord one.
Are you ticklish?
Very! I tend to bite when I'm tickled though.
Would it hurt seeing the person you last kissed, kissing someone else?
You should totally go look. I don't have any good work up there yet but there will be some soon. Plus if you wanna help me out you can link to everywhere and share it on facebook and stumble and google and digg and so on
connor and i had our one year anniversary, and he bought me a stunning necklace with two little hearts on it, and i...uh...got him a rather crap by comparison custom mousemat with two mice exchanging hearts printed on it (obviously i did the design).
what else? oh yeah, earning moniez on rentacoder, doing the graphics stuff.
my car is fit, as ever, and got fixed up nicely after totalling someone's wall
they didn't fix a dent in the bonnet which has been there since i got peej though
(peej = pj = car. stfu, you whores all name your guitars )
oh, i won best ms paint/photoshop skills (which technically should count as two awards, as ms paint and photoshop aren't even meant for the same purpose, lol). but yeah. i win. hah.
mm, what elssseee. i'm staying at connor's atm, using his laptop, although i need to hijack his main computer later to edit a programme design. great fun :\
i wish i'd brought my tablet with me, but i couldn't be arsed to untangle all the cables at the back of my computer, lol. lazy? course not...
connor, being mean, has convinced me that a velociraptor has taken up residence in his wardrobe, so i tied the handles shut with my scarf, before realising that i would actually quite like to wear said scarf. so i'm going to trust to luck to keep el raptor in its place. fucking raptors.
#bahhh has seen a surge in popularity recently which is...good i guess. there's been a spate of annoying twats in chat lately, but kicking them from my channel feels so damn good. fuckin' morons.
pendulum on thursday. should be good i've rationed my money so i have enough for drinks and so on...and maybe some new shoes. connie and i are going into town tomorrow to try and find some more lightweight trainers for summer, as mine are a) warm and clompy and b) starting to get holes. which is a shame, as i like them
we've been playing tennis, too, and uh...yeah, not having played for the past four years or so, i suck slightly. but it's all good. i like tennis. might go sailing again with my mum in summer, should be ace, love sailing. i seriously wish i lived on a boat. not a crappy canal boat, a motherfucking sunseeker.
or a pirate ship, either suits me.
in my browsing of webcomics, i came across these beasts of beanbags. they look so awesome. as soon as i can justify spending money on stuff other than car insurance, rent and visiting connor, i'm seriously considering getting one of their omni thingies. they look so insanely comfy.
so, what else can i talk about? mirc's alarm timer scares the living shit out of me, pasta is as you doubtless know a food of the gods, deviantart is packed with weirdos and furries, but i met some alright people on their irc server...erm...the weather's set to be abysmal for the next few days, which is bad for tennis and going outside at all...ironman was a good film, i really want to see indiana jones, i desperately need a new hard drive so i can carry on pirating happily, i think i would actually quite like an ipod, cows are very large and frightening beasts, my hairdye is fading rapidly (facebook "esther hyman" for newly dyed pink hair), connor is absolutely gorgeous and i need to go kiss him right now, so i'm ending this blog.
so following a long and convoluted chat about velociraptors in chat - mainly because frenchy and i both fear them with the irrational fear of people who spend far too much time online - i discovered some important things (mostly from xkcd, it is true).
1) there is scientific evidence to suggest that raptors would be repulsed by grape juice.
2) they probably don't like fire much either.
3) if i had sufficient funding, i could create an awesome raptor-proof castle.
4) steel reinforced doors such as those used by drug dealers could be very handy.
5) velociraptors would be unable to jump up staircases with low ceilings, as they would hit their heads.
6) having spikes on the ceiling wouldn't hurt either.
7) raptors are exactly one third evil.
8) whilst frenchy's loft is a safe hideout, mine is not, due to the prolific presence of infectious i am legend zombies.
and then i came up with an idea.
whilst defending against raptor attack is obviously of paramount importance, launching an offensive against said raptors could also be of value. or it could turn into all out war.
either way, attaching spikes to my car and rampaging through hordes of velociraptors is a much cooler way to die than huddled in the corner of my bedroom muttering "they're coming...they're coming! STAY BACK!"
and thus i created the raptor killer, loosely based upon myself:
(the person on the mountain is frenchy).
the raptor killer will seek out raptors and pwn them royally, much the same as buffy with vampires, before the show got all retarded and emotionally charged. the raptor killer pays no heed to meaningless angsty rubbish. pah! she says. just show me the damned raptors!
so fear not, UG, the raptor epidemic is well in hand.
x
edit: oh, and y'know...raptors have been hiding out in france all these millions of years. so don't trust the french
NUMBER OF... piercings: just the two, one in each ear. tattoos: none. siblings: one sister.
YOUR... height: 5'3" and a half! shoe size: 7 Hair color: bizarre purplishpinkredbrown hybrid.
LAST... movie
you rented: are you suggesting that i pay money for movies? movie you bought: oh, um. i bought napolean dynamite and pulp fiction in hmv, cos they were cheapo and i wanted the dvds so we could watch them downstairs. song you listened to: spiegel im spiegel by arvo part. song that was stuck in your head: i woke up with the fucking pokémon theme in my head. argh. cd you bought: i haven't bought a cd in a loooong time...probably "with teeth". cd you listened to: crow left of the murder. person you've called: um...i don't call people, really. possibly either connie or my mum. person that's called you: my mum. person you were thinking of: connor friend you made: well, i don't do real life because it's boring, but the last online friend i made was probably either rabidguitarist in chat or Broken_Drum and TakeABowForMe in jackal's thread, or JvL in that awful mouse-killing thread. cigarette: few weeks ago...wow, ages ago now actually. i just cba to go outside and smoke. kiss: well, unless you count my doggy licking me, then when i saw connor a couple of weeks ago. or online kisses from connor, if those count...then last night. cry: erm not long ago. library book checked out: oh, some thing about modern sculpture by herbert read. i only wanted it for the rodin. lol. movie seen in a theatre: umm...what did me and connor go see...fuck, i honestly can't remember what we saw...at the cinema in coventry...shit, what was it? MY MIND IS BLANK. book read: narcissus in chains, laurell k hamilton. yay, trashy horror. cuss word uttered: i believe it was something like "WHAT THE PISS ARE YOU DOING, TED, YOU FURRY KNOB?" beverage drank: diet coke. food consumed: a biscuit. phone call: some weird kid phoned asking for my mum. TV show watched: um...hollyoaks? shower: well, i had a bath yesterday. shoes worn: purple satiny rocketdog ones. CD played: you asked this already, n00bfeatures. soda: diet coke...again. thing written: this. if you mean by hand, then the accident report form for my car insurance. words spoken: "sorry, i'm busy, i can't do your survey". sleep: about...three hours ago. IM: aidy. sexual experience: mind your own business ice cream eaten: um...toffee crunch and vanilla thing we had for dessert after sunday lunch on easter day time wanting to die: when survey man wouldn't leave me the fuck alone. lipstick: yesterday. bright red. but i wear my more subtle pinkish shimmery one more often. time dancing: i don't know, i don't dance much. show attended: uhh...shit, i haven't been to a gig or show or play or anything since download last year. gayness. big car ride: uh...haven't really gone anywhere for a while...can't remember. don't care. crush: my wonderful man, connor annoyance: oh, lots of things. like how my radiator isn't warm enough. time sccolded: i'm all growed up, i don't get scolded much shirt worn: i'm wearing a blue croptop with a grey cardigan. web site visited: this one.
DO... you have a crush on someone? yep, my boyfriend. you wish you could live somewhere else? dunno, i'd like my own place. you think about suicide? yeah, who doesn't, in the Pit... you believe in online dating? well seeing as i met my boyfriend on the IRC chat that he owns... others find you attractive? don't know, don't care. i think they see boobs and think "WOW BOOBZ", so i don't know if that counts as attraction. you want more piercings? i wouldn't mind a ring through the top of my ear. but i'm not really bothered. you drink? yeah. you do drugs? not often anymore. you smoke? once again, yeah, but rarely now. you like cleaning? i don't know, i avoid it if i can, but if i have to do it by god i will do it well! i don't mind untidyness but dirt makes me feel bad. you like roller coasters? some. you write in cursive or print? cursive.
FOR OR AGAINST... long distance relationships: for, seeing as my boyfriend lives 150miles away when he's at uni, and 200 when he's at home in leeds. but we still see each other more often than some guys i've been out with, who lived three minutes drive away using someone: i would have answered "against" once upon a time but honestly, my morals have degraded. it really does depend on the situation. but probably, against. suicide: how can you be "for" or "against" it? yes, i'm "for" it, now everyone, kill yourselves . i understand it, though. killing people: i think it'd be safer for me to not answer this one. teenage smoking: knock yourself out, it doesn't bother me. doing drugs: whatever floats your boat. driving drunk: bad, bad BAD. gay/lesbian relationships: for. soap operas: well, i am partial to neighbours and hollyoaks...they suck, but they're something mindless to take your mind off other stuff.
FAVORITE... song:
there're a lot. spiegel im spiegel, NWTD birthday massacre remix, right where it belongs, and one which rabid introduced me to the other day, "vena cava" by angelspit, are my current most-listened tos thing to do: i can't choose. thing to talk about: something that's not repetitive or pointless. sports: swimming, tennis. drinks: dry white wine, champagne, rosé. clothes: i like most of my clothes, else i'd have not bought them... movies: i can't possibly choose a favourite from the hundreds of films i've seen. singer: i like many singers. holiday: i don't know. disney movie? all of them. disney are great. word? i don't have a favourite, but "malicious" tastes so good. > nickname? mouse! eye color? i don't have a favourite colour. so long as it's intense and charismatic, it's good. flower? roses, of course. my middle name is rose, named after my grandparents. piercing? piercings are meh. not bothered by them. actor? i don't know...there's loads of great actors around. actress? same.
HAVE YOU... ever cried over a girl? yes ever cried over a boy? yes ever lied to someone? yes ever been in a fist fight? yes ever been arrested? nope.
WHAT... shampoo do you use? whatever is in the bathroom. it's dove atm, i think. shoes do you wear? all sorts. hells, flats, pumps, trainers, boots... are you scared of? spiders, high rickety ladders or railings, and the dark.
NUMBER... of times you have been in love? twice. of times you have had your heart broken? once. of hearts you have broken? i haven't. of girls you have kissed? fuck knows, i don't keep count of boys you have kissed? same, i don't keep count, lol of drugs taken illegally? ...three? i think? of people you would classify as true, could trust with you life type friends? none of people you consider your enemies? i don't do anything that specific of times your name has appeared in the newspaper? few times. of scars on my body? too many to count, lol. of things in my past that I regret? a few.
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esther_mouse's blogs, last updated : September 4, 2009
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only friends I had. But too much hurt. Too tired to write it all. Sorry.
i've rationed my money so i have enough for drinks and so on...and maybe some new shoes. connie and i are going into town tomorrow to try and find some more lightweight trainers for summer, as mine are a) warm and clompy and b) starting to get holes. which is a shame, as i like them 
. i understand it, though.