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Well, this is the first blog I've written in ages. Things this year have been, different, shall we say. I applied to a specialist music college, I got into said college, and I will be moving to Manchester in September to attend the college. I really want to make some good contacts up there, find like-minded people (maybe start a new band?) and improve my song-writing and musicianship skills.
Me and Jake split up for a little while, then we got back together. I instigated the split, I just thought he'd be better off without having me weighing him down. But we got back together, (I was more than a little surprised he actually wanted anything to do with me in that way again) and now I've committed myself to treating him how I should have before we split. I was a nightmare, not just for him but lots of other people. I still ask myself how people ever put up with me for that long. I know I had issues but there are a lot of things that I need to take responsibility for, such as insensitivity and emotional cruelty towards someone I really cared about (well I still do care about them in all honesty, there's no point shrugging that off). I did a lot of stupid things that I'll never forgive myself for, I was full of anger and bitterness and I unleashed on people that didn't deserve it.
But, I digress, it's time to try and be a better person.
I'm back in psychotherapy now, I'd definitely say it's more emotionally intense than the previous counselling I attended. There's a lot of delving in the past (which is quite hard as I have some problems with Disassociation, but my therapist is getting me some reading material about that so I can at least educate myself about it a little more). They put me on anti-depressants too, fluoxetine/prozac. I'm quite grateful that they did as they do tend to make the strangely passionate side of my illness more neutral (as in, they have calmed the extreme highs and lows that made me either bounce off the walls or slam my head against them, quite literally on some occasions). They do however, don't completely rid the feelings of sadness, they just repress them, its a very off situation to be in as I know I feel desperate and hopeless quite frequently still but I can't physically feel it, I can't panic, I can't cry but I still know those feelings are there. It's like going to a shop and seeing someone from school that you don't like, making eye contact with them and then trying to pretend that they're not their. They might not be beating you up and calling you every name under the sun but you can still feel their icy glare in the back of your mind. So I may ask my doctor to up my dosage.
In other issue news, I still have a rather J'adore/Je Deteste relationship with food/my own personal body image. The majority people that I know seem to find it inconceivable that someone such as myself who isn't clinically overweight can still look in the mirror and see themselves as "fat". That is because to a lot of people, thin and fat are merely descriptive terms and nothing more. To someone with an eating disorder however, these words become what shapes your personality, your life, and your self esteem around. Every essence of your self-worth becomes encapsulated in which of these two descriptions applies to you. And even if you do become what other people see as "thin" or "skinny", you will never appreciate the so-called prize that you have mercilessly punished yourself for, as it will never be good enough.
I'm sorry this blog got a bit heavy (no pun intended), I just felt that I should try and write something sort of meaningful (regardless of whether anyone actually reads it or not), seeing as the last blog I wrote (and have now thankfully deleted) was nothing more than the scathing ramblings of someone who did not realise how much pain they had caused the people that did everything they could to help them when they were in pain. I can sincerely say that certain someone will not be making a comeback anytime soon.
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