dvanwyk

.....Jonah Hill
.....Andy Samberg
Ben Samberg.....Jim Downey
.....Bill Hader

[ tag (over black screen): "An SNL Digital Short" ]

[ dissolve to Andy Samberg being fitted for a costume change, as Jonah Hill walks up ]

Jonah Hill: Hey, dude.

Andy Samberg: [ looking up ] Hey, man.

Jonah Hill: [ apprehensive ] Um -- are you busy right now? Can you grab a coffee, or something?

Andy Samberg: Yeah, of course. [ uneasy ] Is everything okay?

Jonah Hill: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I just want to run something by you real quick.

Andy Samberg: Okay. Let's do it.

[ cut to Andy and Jonah seated at a table in Starbuck's ]

Andy Samberg: So, what's going on? You nervous about the show?

Jonah Hill: [ shaking his head ] No, I'm -- I'm -- I'm feeling okay about the show. I'm more excited than anything else.

Andy Samberg: Well, good. So what's up?

Jonah Hill: Um... so, you remember when I met your family last week at the show?

[ flashback to Jonah meeting the Samberg Family ]

Andy Samberg: Oh... yeah. They actually loved you. My mom thought you were hilarious!

Jonah Hill: [ nervous ] Yeah, uh -- well, there's actually kind of an issue with that.

Andy Samberg: [ confused ] Like... what kind of an issue?

Jonah Hill: Well... since then... I've, uh -- I've sort of been... seeing your dad.

Andy Samberg: What was that?

Jonah Hill: [ more direct ] I've been dating your dad.

Andy Samberg: Like, my dad, dad?

[ flashback to Jonah shaking hands with Mr. Samberg, their spark going unnoticed by the remainder of the Samberg Family ]

Jonah Hill: Like... your father... Ben. I've been seeing him every day.

Andy Samberg: So, what -- you guys hang out, or something?

Jonah Hill: Quite a bit, actually.

Andy Samberg: What?

[ flashback to Jonah having dinner with the Samberg Family ]

Jonah Hill: So, last week -- remember when we all had dinner?

Andy Samberg: Yeah.

Jonah Hill: Do you remember when we all parted ways? Alright, well... I had to run back in because I had forgotten my scarf, and... who should walk in, but your dad... and he'd forgotten his gloves. Neither of us were tired, so... we were, like, "Hey! Why don't we just go grab a beer, or something?"

Andy Samberg: You grabbed a beer with my dad?

Jonah Hill: Yes! Just listen, okay?

[ flashback to Jonah and Mr. Samberg having that beer -- clinking their glasses, laughing, and nonchalently touching hands ]

Jonah Hill: So, we got a beer, and... we just started talking, and... truth be told, he is one of the most fascinating people I've ever met in my life.

Andy Samberg: [ laughing ] Is this a joke?

Jonah Hill: No! I mean... I wish it was a joke. It would be easier if it was a joke. It's just that, Ben is --

Andy Samberg: My dad.

Jonah Hill: Yes! Your "dad"! My "boyfriend"! Whatever!

Andy Samberg: You're just "hanging out", right? It's not as if you're...?

Jonah Hill: No, no, no, no, no! It's gotten extraordinarily physical. I mean --

[ flashback to Jonah and Mr. Samberg open-mouthed kissing one another and groping each other's knees ]

[ Andy's face registers a silent panic, as Jonah fondly sips his coffee ]

Jonah Hill: I'm not usually a coffee guy. [ smiles ] Ben's got me trying all sorts of crazy things!

Andy Samberg: Right. Uhhhh -- I gotta be honest with you, I'm... really not cool with this.

Jonah Hill: I know it sounds insane. It sounds nuts, but -- [ he shakes his head ] this isn't just some fling.

[ flashback to Jonah and Mr. Samberg looking out over the harbor... feeding each other during a picnic in Central Park... running through the park... holding hands as they walk through the city... laughing together on the couch before Jonah lowers himself below the screen to perform oral sex on Mr. Samberg ]

Jonah Hill: I don't know how else to say it. I just... I feel like I've never felt with anybody else in my entire life. We just have so much fun together. I mean, when we're together, we laugh and we laugh and we laugh and we laugh, and we laugh some more.

Andy Samberg: Dude... you're dating my 57-year old father...

Jonah Hill: Why is everyone freaking out about the age thing! You sound like your MOM right now!

Andy Samberg: [ near tears ] Don't say my "mom".

Jonah Hill: I know this is tough! But, even if I lose a friend over this... I like to think that I've gained a son.

Andy Samberg: Okay...

[ Mr. Samberg enters, smiling ]

Mr. Samberg: Uh-oh! Here's my guys! Andy... [ rubs Andy's shaggy hair ] Jonah... [ kisses Jonah on the lips ]

Jonah Hill: Hi. Ben.

[ Andy is stone-faced ]

Mr. Samberg: Andy... I've been meaning to tell you. Jonah and I are dating.

Jonah Hill: I'm sorry... I told him already.

Mr. Samberg: Blabbermouth!

Jonah Hill: I know, I'm the worst!

[ Bill Hader enters ]

Bill Hader: Hey, Ben! I'm ready to go! [ freezes when he notices Andy and Jonah are also there ] Andy... Jonah. How do you guys know Ben?

Andy Samberg: Uh... he's my dad?

Bill Hader: Small world! We've been f--kin'!

[ freeze-frame as Hader turns to the camera and smiles ]

[ SUPER: "Created by Lorne Michaels ]

[ fade ]

.....Andy Samberg
Roy.....Bryan Tucker

[ tag (over black screen): "An SNL Digital Short" ]

[ image of Andy Samberg standing before a brick wall zooms forward ]

Andy Samberg: [ rapping ]
"Did you notice there's over a million people in the world?
There's over a million in New York alone!
But the only one I'm into -- is my brother-in-law, Roy!"

[ quick pan to a bored-looking guy sitting on a couch, as 80's heavy-metal font spins onto the screen: "Roy Rules!" ]

Andy Samberg: [ rapping ]
"Roy Rules!"

[ Andy points to his sister ] "He's married to my sister!"
[ Andy points to roy and niece watching cartoons ] "He wakes up in the morning, watching "Dora" with my niece!"
[ Roy eats a banana ] "And then macks on ba-na-nas!"

[ Andy peeks into the bathroom, as Roy shuts the door ] "Roy Rules!!"

[ Roy runs on treadmil ] "He works out in the morn-ing!"
[ Roy does crunches on the floor ] "He runs in the park, and he does a bunch of crunch-es, so he's got a kill-er bod-ay!"

Andy Samberg: [ spoken ]
"I'm so glad my sister married Roy!
He gets along great with the entire family!
He's hard-working, he's great with kids --
Oh, and also?
I want to have SEX with Roy!"

"Roy Rules!"

"I'd really like to taste him!
We'll take off our pants, and wail on each other,
Throw his marriage license in the waste bin!"

Andy Samberg: [ spoken ]
"Now, don't get me wrong -- I'm not into Roy sexually. He's my sister's husband! Still, though -- if me and Roy did hook up, it would be a 24/7/69!"
"Roy Rules!!"
[ Andy stands next to Roy's cubicle ] "He works in an off-ice!

I've got this theory, he was put on this Earth, ta give men succulent rubb downz!"

[ Andy on keyboard ] "Roy, won't you go.. with.. me..??"
"Roy Rules!!"
"He loves wearing T-shirts!
But in my dreams, he's dressed like a pirate, and my DONG is his PEG LEG!"
Andy Samberg: So, there you have it -- a song about my real-life brother-in-law, Roy. Just so you know, the dude in this video wasn't the actual Roy. [ photo insert appears ] This is the actual Roy! So I think you see where I'm coming from. Oh, and, Roy? Next time I see you, don't be all weird about this. You KNEW what you were getting into! Peace!
[ SUPER: "Roy Rules!" ]

An SNL Digital Short

Young Woman.....Ellen Page
Crazed Psycho.....Andy Samberg
Wolfman.....Will Forte
Dracula.....Jason Sudeikis
Debbie Lieberstein.....Kristen Wiig

Night. A young woman lies asleep in bed.

Suddenly, she jolts up from a bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily until she's certain there is no danger.

She enters the bathroom, still breathing heavily, then turns on the light

She turns the tap water on in the sink, then pulls the mirrored medicine cabinet open to retrieve a bottle of aspirin. As she closes the medicine cabinet, the reflection of a crazed psycho appears in the mirror behind her.

A sharp music sting sounds

The pyscho has disappeared once the young woman turns around to inspect the bathroom.

Young Woman: [ frightened ] Hello?

She catches her breath, then lowers her head toward the sink so she can rinse her face with the fresh tap water

She raises her head to reveal the crazed psycho standing once again behind her reflection in the mirror

Music sting

The young woman turns around again to look, but no one is there. She returns her gaze to the mirror, but hers is the only reflection within it. She rubs her eyes. As she does, the psycho rises behind her in the mirror's reflection.

Music sting

She turns around again, but there's no one behind her. She returns her gaze to the mirror, and there waits the crazed psycho.

Music sting, as she screams

Her gaze returns to the mirror. Music sting -- there he is.

She spins around. Music sting -- the psycho is revealed holding a Mai Tai in one hand before disappearing.

She spins around. Music sting -- the psycho is revealed holding a huge lollipop in one hand before disappearing.

She spins around. Music sting -- the psycho is revealed lifting two-pound hand weights in each hand before disappearing.

She screams and gasps. She returns her gaze to the mirror; the psyxho is gone. She breathes a sigh of relief, then checks the reflection again. Still no psycho.

She turns around and the psycho is now standing directly behind her in the bathroom.

Music sting.

Back in bed, the young woman jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily until she's certain there is no danger.

She re-enters the bathroom, still breathing heavily, then turns on the light. The psycho is sitting in the dark, on the toilet, reading a newpaper. He's embarrassed by her sudden intrusion.

Crazed Psycho: Oh, God! someone's in here... someone's in here!

In his own bed, the crazed psycho jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, screaming. He breathes heavily until he's certain there is no danger.

He enters the bathroom, still breathing heavily, then turns on the light

He turns the tap water on in the sink, then pulls the mirrored medicine cabinet open to retrieve a bottle of aspirin. As he closes the medicine cabinet, the reflection of the young woman, smiling, appears in the mirror behind him.

Music sting, as he screams.

Back in bed, together, the young woman and the crazed psycho jolt up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily and looking at one another with slight trepidation. They cautiously move their fingers to touch one another, to make sure the other is real.

Music sting as their fingers touch, and a werewolf rises from the sheets betweem them. They both scream, and the werewolf suddenly disappears.

In his bed, Dracula jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat. He breathes heavily until he's certain there is no danger. Another music sting, as Debbie Lieberstein jolts up in bed next to him, breathing heavily.

Dracula: Are you okay?

Debbie Lieberstein: I just remembered my Mom's birthday is tomorrow, and I forgot to get her something.

Dracula: Oh... oh, whoa, whoa, baby, we'll think of something...

Debbie Lieberstein: [ she sighs ] You promise?

Dracula: Yeah. I promise.

Debbie Lieberstein: I love you, Dracula.

Dracula: [ he chuckles ] Oh, I love you, Debbie Lieberstein!

Back in bed, the young woman jolts up from this bad dream in a cold sweat, breathing heavily until she's certain there is no danger.

Music sting, as the crazed psycho rises from the side of the bed and they scream simultaneously.

Fade.

Written by: Jim Downey

Campbell Brown.....Kristen Wiig
Barack Obama.....Fred Armisen
Hillary Clinton.....Amy Poehler
John King.....Jason Sudeikis
Jorge Ramos.....Will Forte

[ open on CNN graphics ]

Voiceover: This... is CNN.

[ dissolve to debate graphics ]

Announcer: The CNN-Univision Democratic Debate: America Votes 2008.

[ dissolve to Campbell Brown standing before the two Democratic candidates ]

Campbell Brown: Good evening, and welcome to the Lyndon B. Johnson Auditorium in Austin, Texas, for this historic debate between the two remaining candidates seeking the Democratic nomination for President. Illinois senator Barack Obama, and New York senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. I'm Campbell Brown, and I will be the moderator tonight. With questions coming from my colleagues: CNN Chief National Correspondent, John King... and Univision anchor, Jorge Ramos.

Like nearly everyone in the news media, the three of us are totally "in the tank" for Senator Obama. We will make every effort tonight to keep these bias hidden, but, should it become obvious, please remember we're only human. I, myself, have been clinically diagnosed as an Oba-maniac! While my associate, John King, just last week suffered his third Barack-Attack. [ King nods ] As for Jorge Ramos, he is clearly... just obsessed with Senator Obama, kind of... to an unhealthy degree, really... and, uh -- well, I guess you could just call him a stalker! [ Ramos nods ]

Now, let's meet the candidates. Just four years ago, Barack Obama was known only as a brilliant, charasmatic, and universally admired member of the Illinois State Senate. Today, he is one of our nation's truly visionary leaders, and, soon -- knock on wood -- the first Black President of the United States. Senator Barack Obama.

[ the audience applauds, as does Campbell Brown and Jorge Ramos; John King whistles through his two pinky fingers ]

Campbell Brown: In 1992, Hillary Clinton's husband, William Jefferson Clinton, became the 42nd President of the United States. A few years after that, he cheated on her again, and she was able to ride the ensuing wave of sympathy into the U.S. Senate, against a weak Republican opponent in an overwhelmingly Democratic state. In the Senate, she is widely known as a good listener, with an excellent attendance record.

And our first question is for Senator Obama, from Jorge Ramos.

[ cut to Jorge Ramos, with Question Tag: "Is There Anything We Can Get Sen. Obama?" ]

Jorge Ramos: Uh -- Senator Obama... are you comfortable? Is there anything we can get for you?

Barack Obama: No. Thank you. I'm fine.

Campbell Brown: John King, a follow-up?

[ Question Tag now reads: "Is Sen. Obama Sure There Isn't Anything We Can Get Him? Because It's Really No Trouble." ]

John King: Senator Obama, uh -- a minute ago, Jorge Ramos asked if there was anything we could get you, and you said, "No, thank you. I'm fine." My question is: Are you sure? Because it's, you know, it's really no trouble.

Barack Obama: [ motioning his hand ] I... am quite sure. Thank you, though.

Campbell Brown: And our next question is for Senator Clinton. Again, from John King.

John King: Senator Clinton, less than two months ago you were the heavy favorite to be the Democratic nominee. Since that time, you have lost 31 of 38 primaries and caucuses to Senator Obama, including the last eleven straight. Now, do you still believe you can win this nomination?

Hillary Clinton: [ chuckles heartily ] My goodness, John! This process is far from over, and I think it's a little premature to start counting us out.

John King: Well, a few nights ago you lost BADLY to Senator Obama in Wisconsin. In theory, isn't that a -- isn't that a state you should have won?

Hillary Clinton: [ shaking her head ] Not at all, John. Frankly, we never expected to win Wisconsin.

John King: He also beat you in Virginia.

Hillary Clinton: [ smiling ] It was always our intention to lose Virginia.

John King: Well, what about Maryland? You lost there by twenty points.

Hillary Clinton: [ smiling ] John, getting blown out by Senator Obama in Maryland has been a dream of mine since childhood.

John King: And, just in the last two weeks, Senator Obama has been making major inroads among your main supporters -- blue collar workers, Catholics, and women.

Hillary Clinton: [ chuckles heartily ] Oh, John! Apparently, someone forgot to tell that to white women over eighty! Because we're doing very well there -- just under 50%!

Campbell Brown: Now, as is customary at these debates, we're going to have a questino from an ordinary citizen, chosen completely at random from our audience. Tonight's questioner is: Obama Girl.

[ cut to Obama Girl standing in the audience ]

Obama Girl: Senator Obama? [ dance music pots up, as she lip-synchs: ] "I can’t wait til 2008 / Baby, you’re the best candidate / Yes, I got a crush on Obama / I got a crush on Obama --"

Hillary Clinton: Uh -- excuse me -- I -- I'm sorry -- um -- I really have to say something here. First of all, that wasn't even a question; second, she was lip-synching; and -- and -- third, I really find it diffiult to believe this particular questioner was chosen at random.

Campbell Brown: Senator clinton... if you ever... interrupt Obama Girl again, I will personally escort you from this building. Do I make myself clear?

Hillary Clinton: [ stung, she bites her lip before answering ] I'm sorry. I thought she was finished.

Campbell Brown: I think you owe Obama Girl -- and the people of this nation -- an enormous Obam-apology. Obama Girl, please continue.

Obama Girl: [ continues lip-synching: ] "On Obama / Barack Obama!"

[ everyone applauds Obama Girl's question ]

Campbell Brown: Our next question is also for Senator Obama, and comes from Jorge Ramos.

Jorge Ramos: Uh -- Senator Obama -- [ chokes, rubs his shoulders ] Oh, God! I'm so nervous! I still can't believe I'm actually talking to you! [ starts to lightly hyperventilate ]

Barack Obama: That's okay. Take your time.

Jorge Ramos: Okay. Uh -- as you know, uh, Senator... as I explained in the letter that I duct-taped to your front door -- I'm sorry that it went on so long, I just, uh, I just really, really, really, really, really want you to be the next President! And not just because you're a... fantastic human being, and the only person who can turn this nation around, but, you know, also because, deep down, I -- I really and truly believe that it is DESTINY that you and I will one day be together! That, uh -- you will become a part of me, and I will become a part of you. Joined as one. Does that make sense?

Barack Obama: Yeah, I guess. Sure.

Jorge Ramos: Okay. So, my -- my question is: Are you mad at me?

Barack Obama: [ he thinks it over ] No. Not at all.

Jorge Ramos: Oh! Good! I was afraid that you might be mad at me because, you know, all the shilling for you in my campaign coverage has been so obvious, and, because I spend every night sitting in front of your house in a parked car.

Barack Obama: [ nods ] You know, Jorge... [ he motions with his hand ] as I travel around this country... I'm hearing the same... sentiments from every journalist I meet. Like the local TV anchor... in Columbus, Ohio... who brazenly wears an "Obama for President" button... as he reads the news. Or... the political reporter in Elko, Nevada... who rides around every evening after work... vandalizing Hillary's yard signs. [ he reaches over to hold Hillary's hand, but she struggles to pull it away ] But... for too long... in this country... the press has been hearing the same old refrain: "Just give us the news.. not your personal opinions." And they're tired... they're tired of being told: "You journalists have to stay neutral. You can't openly take sides in a political campaign." And they're saying, "Yes, we can. Yes, we can take sides. Yes, we can."

Campbell Brown: [ fanning herself ] Wow..!

Jorge Ramos: Bullseye!

John King: Nothin' but net!

Campbell Brown: Well, there's obviously no way on Earth anyone could possibly follow that.

Hillary Clinton: Well, actually, uh --

Campbell Brown: So, this continues tonight's debate. From all of us, here in Austin: Good night, and "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Niiiiight!!"