Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to
sex. "You know, John & I have been having some sexual problems."
Linda told her friend.
"That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I."
"We're thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda
"Oh,
we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary.
"But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"
"Things
couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam,
and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told
us to stop at the grocery store on the way home
and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the
floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape
that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue.
Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life
is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With
that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the
same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor
called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I
can do for you," he said.
"But doctor," Mary complained, "You
did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for
us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well,
OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the
grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios……."
Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store gives you a hard time!
A
woman went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a
refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.The clerk tells
her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special".
Suddenly,
the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "PINCH MY
NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!" The befuddled clerk
ran away to get the store manager in front a growing crowd of
customers. The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's
wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and he tells her
that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once
again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming
"PINCH MY NIPPLES,PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!" And doing so
draws and even bigger crowd! In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am,
why are you saying that?
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I AM BEING SCREWED!!
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded.
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of
marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the
bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other
signing, or lips to lip-read.
After several nights of fumbling around and many
misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
"Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over
and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have
sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his
wife if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his
penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis
two hundred and fifty times.
The winning joke, which has been attributed to Spike Milligan,[2] was submitted by Gurpal Gosall of Manchester:
“
A couple of New Jersey
hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He
doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The
other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He
gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The
operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can
help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a
shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK,
now what?"
”
The second place finisher and early leader was this joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa of Blackpool:
“
Sherlock Holmes
and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the
stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes
woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me,
what do you see?"
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a
few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets
like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out
there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
A woman gets on a bus with
her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever
seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down,
fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll
hold your monkey for you."
”
In Australia the top joke was as follows:
“
A woman rushed to see her
doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off:
"Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at
myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin
was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and
I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly
says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your
eyesight."
1/6
Dire Straits – Sultans of Swing (Live in Germany)
Woe of Tyrants – Kingdom of Might
Desolation House – Self-Titled
1/13
Crooked X – Self-Titled
(hed) PE – Ordo Ab Chao
Kreator – Hordes Of Chaos
Saxon – Into The Labyrinth
Royal Bliss – Life In-Between
Too Pure To Die – Confess
Metallica – Collectors Box Set
1/20
John Frusciante – The Empyrean
Reel Big Fish - Fame, Fortune and Fornication
Rumpelstiltskin Grinder – Living For Death
The Kinks – Beat, Beat, Beat DVD
Various Artists – Jimi Hendrix Tribute: Third Stone From the Sun
1/27
Rush – Retrospective 3 CD/DVD
Sepultura – A-LEX
Despised Icon – Montreal Assault Live DVD
Bruce Springsteen – Working on a Dream
Hoobastank – For(n)ever
Franz Ferdinand – Tonight: Franz Ferdinand
Grave Digger – Ballads of a Hangman
Other Tentative January Releases
Grave Digger – Ballads of a Hangman
Combichrist – Today We Are All Demons
February
2/3
Cannibal Corpse – Evisceration Plague
The Fray – Self-Titled
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus – Lonely Road
Chris Cornell - Scream
2/10
Luna Mortis – The Absence
Iron Butterfly – Concert and Documentary DVD
2/24
Lamb of God – Wrath
God Forbid – Earthsblood
Hatebreed – For the Lions
Other Tentative February Releases
U2 – No Line on the Horizon
Third Eye Blind – Ursa Major
Dark Moor - Autumnal
March
3/10
New Found Glory – Without A Fight
Testament – Live at Eindhoven
3/24
The Decemberists – Hazards of Love
3/31
Silverstein – Currently Untitled
Other Tentative March Releases
Madina Lake – Attics To Eden
April
4/14
Dave Matthews Band – Currently Untitled
4/21
Chimaira – Currently Untitled
Early 2009
Anthrax – Worship Music
Poison The Well – Currently Untitled
Mastodon – Crack the Skye
Killswitch Engage – Currently Untitled
Lynyrd Skynyrd – Currently Untitled
Our Lady Peace – Escape Artist
Megadeth – Currently Untitled
Queensryche – American Soldier
Deftones - Eros
Hurt – Goodbye To The Machine
Lacuna Coil – Shallow Life
Candlemass – Currently Untitled
Dream Theater – Currently Untitled
Rx Bandits – Currently Untitled
Blessthefall – Currently Untitled
Duff McKagan’s Loaded - Sick
Late 2009
Slash – Currently Untitled
Good Charlotte - Cardiology
Portugal. The Man – Currently Untitled
KoRn – Currently Untitled
Alice In Chains – Currently Untitled
Rammstein – Currently Untitled
Angels and Airwaves – Currently Untitled
Alexisonfire – Currently Untitled
Jimmy Eat World – Currently Untitled
KISS – Currently Untitled
Coldplay – Currently Untitled
Down – Down IV
Flaming Lips – Currently Untitled
Iron Maiden – Currently Untitled
Deep Purple – Currently Untitled
No Doubt – Currently Untitled
Hold the [7b/] in the bent position throughout the trick
E |--------5----------------------|----------------- -----------------|
B |---------------8------7------5-|----------------- -----------------|
G |---7b/-----b/-----b/-----b/----|-b/---7b/-p--5--- -----------------|
D |-------------------------------|----------------7 --7--------------|
A |-------------------------------|----------------- -----------------|
E |-------------------------------|----------------- -----------------|
This next trick is still in the key of A major like all the other tricks but it has a lot of notes that don't fit in the traditional scales. That's OK. There's no sense in following all of the rules all of the time.
KEY=A Major
E |--------------5---8-p-7-p-5----|--5-------------- -----------------|
B |--------5--7-----------------8-|-----8-p-7-p-5--- --5--------------|
G |-5-h-6-------------------------|----------------8 -----8-p-7-p-5---|
D |-------------------------------|----------------- ---------------7-|
A |-------------------------------|----------------- -----------------|
E |-------------------------------|----------------- -----------------|
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