I hate this subject. It's a HUGE stress on me. I don't even want the damed subject and it actually is irrelevant to what I want to do when I'm older (Sound Engineering).
So, I'm dropping it. I'm tired of getting Us (fails) on all my tests.
I have been into AS year and failed 2/4 courses and scraped through the other two with poor results. This is by my negligence and I fucking hate myself for it.
I fell out with 70% of my friends. Even though I've done the mature thing by trying to fix it, and if been unable to let it go, they still hate me. Most of them have no reason to.
I completely cut the girl I used to love out of my life. And even though I'm happier without that bitch constantly making me feel like shit, it still left a hole.
I can see my current college courses failing because I haven't been doing work because frankly, I just can't be bothered anymore. I have no motivation.
I rarely eat. I don't sleep well. I'm always tired. I can't concentrate. I've lost my passion for guitar. I'm very argumentative. I just hate who I've turned myself into.
And here I am, on Christmas Day. One of the most festive events of the year, crying my eyes out because I have fallen for a girl with commitment issues. I mean that's fine. I mean I can't help that... But once again it's just a roundhouse kick to my non-existant self esteem. Just one time I would like to finally be happy and express who I really am to someone. I have just never felt I've been able to do that until I lost my ex-bestfriend because girls decide that good friends are more important to them than best friends, if the good friend is a girl and the best friend a boy. Y'know, girls > boys and all that bullshit.
Ever since her I have not trusted a single person. I have not let someone see who I really am because I'm too scared that I'd get crushed again.
So here I am UG. Still awake, clutching a bruised and bleeding fist on Christmas Day.
Merry fucking Christmas UG. I hope you'll have a better holiday than me.
Life's looking up now! I think I've finally found out who my friends are. I'm understanding my lessons in college and I'm getting pretty good at them! A2 biology still sucks... But I'm finding it fairly interesting. Atm I'm growing my own culture for microbiology. So next week I shall see what sort of bacteria are found on my seat... That will be interesting to say the least.
Music Tech is just fun frankly, and I think that's what I want to do for a career.
I have a date for once! It's seriously like my first date in a year. Finally got over the hurdle of getting over Miss Bitch-Queen =D
So UG, hope you're doing well 'cause I am :] I wrote this blog because frankly, I feel good for once and I wanted to let it out :]
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boreamor's blogs, last updated : March 16, 2009
