I can’t take it anymore. There are three simple things that are keeping me alive, let me name them. First and most important there’s my best friend. She said that if I died so would she, though I don’t see that happening. I wouldn’t take the chance of killing my true love.
Next, there’s the drugs. Taking myself out of this world and into another. For a short times during the day I can forget. Forget every little thing, but sadly I know it’s only a temporary fix. Last, is the simple fact that I’m a coward. I think if I didn’t have my love, if I didn’t have the pills to take it all away, would I really have enough courage to do such a cowardly thing, just to die.
When people stereotype with classes such as “pill head” or “stoner”, I label them as nothing but a person with problems. When one sees these people doing drugs for the attention and for the fun of falling around, that’s stupid. That’s not me. There’s young, teenage girl, sitting in her room, tears streaming down her cheeks. She has a bottle in one hand and a razor in another. Crying and shaking she opens the bottle, swallows a handful of pills. She closes the lid, lays back on her bed, staring at that shinny, so very sharp blade, wondering, “is it really worth it?” That’s me, I’m that girl.
What’s wrong with me? They call it depression, I call it a monster, it’s a fear to me. One of my teachers once said, “it’s always right there!” He was holding his hand less then an inch away from his face, open palmed. That’s the way he described fear, it’s always right there in front of you. You can’t run from it or pretend it’s not there. It’s looking you in the eyes knowing that it’s more powerful than you, it knows it rules you. One can only let it continue to devour what’s left of ones sanity, or at least it’s that way for me. I guess in my position though, depression differs from fear. A fear can be taken by the throat and faced. Depression will only stick with you, it can’t be killed, but it can kill you….
I found this written on a smudge, wrinkled piece of paper that was in the bottom of my book bag. Re-reading it had such a weird feeling about it. It was so true except for the things that are keeping me alive.. I don’t have my best friend and love anymore. After losing her my chest felt like it was on fire, my tears stained and burned my cheeks. I lost the one thing that meant everything to me. After losing her I had a failed attempt of suicide, sending me to a mental hospital, and I had not been out of the last one for even three days. With this very pitiful, and sad attempt, my parents locked up every drug in the house, along with everything else that could be potentially harmful. So, so far I’ve lost my best friend and the drugs. Losing these things came down to what I thought would happen. I’m a coward, nothing but a god damn coward. I’m a empty, alone, a fucking coward. I can’t go a day without thinking of her, without looking for something to help me get out. Everyday that I live feels like a disappointment, a loss. …I don’t know what else to say…. I’m just so lost, alone, and scared.
If emotions stayed on one level life would be horrible, much like being on lithium.
Without the downs, the ups would not be as beautiful. I suggest writing as much as possible while down. At least you will have something for your pain.
Great blog!
Hey! I like your blog. I've been through the same thing before. Lost everything but still keep patience because there's ALWAYS something that'll help you keep you chin up. In my case it was my (now ex) girlfriend. She came like a breeze and I was resurrected. Keep hope.
Don't ever think that you're life is never good enough, it never is to someone but at the same time you can mean the world to someone out there. They're probably wondering where is that girl that can make her/him happy so they can return the favor too. I tried to commit suicide once by drinking half a container of Clorox, my mom and sister saved my life. But at that moment where I was between death and life, that whole life flashing before your eyes is kind of true but also not a the same time. My life did flash back, but also it showed me what I could have done with my life if I was to take it another way. I got an idea of what it was before I woke up in the hospital. But please never think you're life is nothing, because it is to someone out there. You mean the world to someone out there, just wait and you'll see
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A confession, or a pity satement? blog
