I can’t take it anymore. There are three simple things that are keeping me alive, let me name them. First and most important there’s my best friend. She said that if I died so would she, though I don’t see that happening. I wouldn’t take the chance of killing my true love.
Next, there’s the drugs. Taking myself out of this world and into another. For a short times during the day I can forget. Forget every little thing, but sadly I know it’s only a temporary fix. Last, is the simple fact that I’m a coward. I think if I didn’t have my love, if I didn’t have the pills to take it all away, would I really have enough courage to do such a cowardly thing, just to die.
When people stereotype with classes such as “pill head” or “stoner”, I label them as nothing but a person with problems. When one sees these people doing drugs for the attention and for the fun of falling around, that’s stupid. That’s not me. There’s young, teenage girl, sitting in her room, tears streaming down her cheeks. She has a bottle in one hand and a razor in another. Crying and shaking she opens the bottle, swallows a handful of pills. She closes the lid, lays back on her bed, staring at that shinny, so very sharp blade, wondering, “is it really worth it?” That’s me, I’m that girl.
What’s wrong with me? They call it depression, I call it a monster, it’s a fear to me. One of my teachers once said, “it’s always right there!” He was holding his hand less then an inch away from his face, open palmed. That’s the way he described fear, it’s always right there in front of you. You can’t run from it or pretend it’s not there. It’s looking you in the eyes knowing that it’s more powerful than you, it knows it rules you. One can only let it continue to devour what’s left of ones sanity, or at least it’s that way for me. I guess in my position though, depression differs from fear. A fear can be taken by the throat and faced. Depression will only stick with you, it can’t be killed, but it can kill you….
I found this written on a smudge, wrinkled piece of paper that was in the bottom of my book bag. Re-reading it had such a weird feeling about it. It was so true except for the things that are keeping me alive.. I don’t have my best friend and love anymore. After losing her my chest felt like it was on fire, my tears stained and burned my cheeks. I lost the one thing that meant everything to me. After losing her I had a failed attempt of suicide, sending me to a mental hospital, and I had not been out of the last one for even three days. With this very pitiful, and sad attempt, my parents locked up every drug in the house, along with everything else that could be potentially harmful. So, so far I’ve lost my best friend and the drugs. Losing these things came down to what I thought would happen. I’m a coward, nothing but a god damn coward. I’m a empty, alone, a fucking coward. I can’t go a day without thinking of her, without looking for something to help me get out. Everyday that I live feels like a disappointment, a loss. …I don’t know what else to say…. I’m just so lost, alone, and scared.
Step 1: Put your iTunes or equivalent on random. Step 2: Post the first line from the first 35 songs that play, no matter how embarrassing. Step 3: Have people guess what songs they are. Step 4: Bold out the songs when someone guesses correctly. Step 5: Looking them up on Google or any other search engine is cheating
1: two roads split off from here.
2: yeah he's a looker but i really think its guts that matters most.
3: physco groupie cocaine crazy/
4: you took me home i drink to much cause of you my liver turns to dust
5: get crunk get crunk get crunk ok get crunk ok cause im a scence kid
6: the other day i had to stop and think.
7: i wish was this song cause songs they never die
8: well i swear into god we've been down this road before
9: The faint blaze of the candle of my life
10: i need a beging again i want to feel how i used to feel
11: death with the ba ba death with the ba ba
12: Don't hear, don't deem drown in before you dive
13: your kiss what the perfect drug it gave me the perfect high
14: enough of this! my eyes are bleeding from the fear that's inside
15: the time has come for you to sit this out
16: the silence keeps it easy keeps you safe for the moment
17: when we dance so prestjust
18: river of good
19: we send our love electronicly
20: i see a sense of wonder deep inside your eyes
21: fer sure maybe fer sure not
22: there's a voice in my head telling me why i should hate you
23: he wears his heart saftey-pinned to his back pack
24: hey pickles?
25: they say drinking is a way to die
26: maybe we why don't we sit right here for half an hour
27: God help me save tomarrow
28: forgive and forget
29: i have a home longing to rome
30: i remember when all the games began
If you opened it, you have to do it Or a loved one will be in an accident Even if you didn't mean to open it, Still do it! You must answer every question TRUTHFUL
1)Three names you go by: ummm…Amanda, manda-bear XD, and..smiley =\
2) Four things you are wearing right now! Bra, panties, shirt, pants
3) Are you currently in a relationship? No =[
4) Have you ever been given a rose? No=\
5)Have THEY ever licked your foot? Haha I wouldn’t say licked
6) Have you ever been in love? I am right now ^_^
7) Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate? Yup…=\
8) What's your current problem? myself
9) Have you ever had your heart broken? ..everyday.. =\
10) Your thoughts of long distance relationships? FUCK THEM =]
11) Are you a loser? Sure are
12) How many kids do you want to have? 1
13) What is/are your favorite colors? Black and purple or black and pink
14) Do you believe you're truly in love only once? Yeah…I do because I can never imagine loving anyone other than this person..
15) have you ever found it hard to tell anyone you like them? yeah
16) Imagine you're 40 & your spouse just died, would you get re-married?? Hell no I would rather be alone
17) At what age did you start noticing the opposite sex? About…kindergarten and now I hate them =\
18) What song do you want played at your wedding? Ahahahah something by dethklok lmao XD
19) Do you like anyone? sha
20.
Do you think the person likes you? Not in that way…=\
Dear Jessica,
I don’t really know how to tell you this, but I dislike you. I think I realized it when your dog ran amok in your apartment and I saw you sit on the crazy monk.
I’m sure you’re senile enough to understand that we’re cousins.
I’m returning the pictures for LA to you, but I’ll keep your photo as a memory.
You should also know that I always remember the incarnation as an Eskimo.
Go and milk a cow!
Amanda Trivette
Ps. My dick sticks out at a very funny angle whenever i wear spandex
Here's what to do!:: Dear (the last person you talked to) I don't really know how to tell you this, but ___1___. I think I realized it ___2___ ___3___ and I saw you ___4___ ___5___.
I'm sure you're ___6___ enough to understand ___7___.
I'm returning ___8___ to you, but I'll keep ___9___ as a memory. You should also know that I ___10___ ___11___.
___ 12 ___, --Your name --
Ps. ___13___
1. What's the color of your shirt? Blue - Our romance is over Red - Our affair is over White - I'll join the monastery Black - I dislike you Green - Our horoscope doesn't match Grey - You're a pervert Yellow - I'm selling myself Pink - Your nostrils are insulting Brown - The mafia wants you No shirt - You're a loser Other - I'm inlove with your sister
2. Which is your birth month? January - That night February - Last year March - When your dwarf bit me April - When I tripped on sesame seeds May - First of May June - When you put cuffs on me July - When I threw up August - When I saw the shrunken head September - When we went skinny dipping October - When I quoted Santa November - When your dog ran amok December - When I changed tennis shoes
3. Which food do you prefer? Tacos - In your apartment Pizza - In your camping car Pasta - Outside of Chicago Hamburgers - Under the bus Salad - As you ate enchilada Chicken - In your closet Kebab - With Paris Hilton Fish - In women's clothing Sandwiches - At the Hare Krishna graduation Lasagna - At the mental hospital Hot dog - Under a state of trance Fries - With George Bush and his wife
4. What's the color of your socks? Yellow - Hit on Red - Insult Black - Ignore Blue - Knock out Purple - Pour syrup on White - Carve your initials into Grey - Pull the clothes off Brown - Put leeches on Orange - Castrate Pink - Pull the toupee off Barefoot - Sit on Other - Drive out
5. What's the color of your underwear? Black - My best friend White - My father Grey - Bill Clinton Brown - My fart balloon Purple - My mustard soufflé Red - Donald Duck Blue - My avocado plant Yellow - My penpal in Ghana Orange - My Kid Rock-collection Pink - Manchester United's goalkeeper None - My John F. Kennedy-statue Other - The crazy monk
6. What do you prefer to watch on TV? Scrubs - Man O.C. - Emotional One Tree Hill - Open Heroes - Frostbitten Lost - High House - Scarred Simpsons - Cowardly The news - Mongolic Idol - Masochistic Family Guy - Senile Top Model - Middle-class Annat - Ashamed Powerangers - Arabic
7. Your mood right now? Happy - How awful I've felt Sad - How boring you are Bored - That Santa doesn't exist Angry - That your pimples are at the last stage Depressed - That we're cousins Excited - That there is no solution to this. Nervous - The middle-east Worried - That your Honda sucks Apathetic - That I did a sex-change Ashamed - That I'm allergic to your hamster Cuddly - That I get turned on by garbage men Overjoyous - That I'm open Other - That Extreme Home Makeover sucks
8. What's the color of your walls in your bedroom? White - Your ring Yellow - Your love letters Red - Your Darth Vader-poster Black - Your tame stone Blue - The couch cushions Green - The pictures from LA Orange - Your false teeth Brown - Your contact book Grey - Our matching snoopy-bibs Purple - Your old lottery coupons Pink - The cut toenails Other - Your memories from the military service
9. The first letter of your first name ? A/B - Your photo C/D - The oil stocks E/F - Your neighbour Martin G/H - My virginity I/J - The results of your blood-sample K/L - Your left ear M/N - Your suicide note O/P - My common sense Q/R - Your mom S/T - Your collection of butterflies U/V - Your criminal record W/X - David's tricot outfits Y/Z - Your grades from college
10. The last letter in your last name? A/B - Always will remember C/D - Never will forget E/F - Always wanted to break G/H - Always have felt dirty for I/J - Never openly mocked K/L - Will tell the authorities about M/N - Told in my confession today about O/P - Was interviewed by the Times about Q/R - Told my psychiatrist about S/T - Get sick when I think of U/V - Always will try to forget W/X - Am better off without Y/Z - Never liked
11. What do you prefer to drink? Water- Our friendship Beer - Senility Soft drink - A new life as a clone Soda - The incarnation as an eskimo Milk - The apartment building Wine - Cocaine abuse Cider - A passionate interest for mice Juice - Oprah Winfrey imitations Mineral water - Embarrassing rash Hot chocolate - Eggplant-fetishism Whisky - To ruin the second world war Other - To hate the Boston Celtics
12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation? Thailand - Warm regards USA - Best regards England - Good luck on your short-term leave from jail Spain - With ease China - Disgusting regards Germany - Your everlasting enemy Japan - Go and milk a cow Greece - Go and drown yourself Australia - You suck Egypt - Buzz off now
13. How many letters does GEORGE have in it? (change the name to whoever you adress the letter to, and if your really thick you choose the wrong one even though george has 6) 6 - I'v always wanted to use your nipples for shooting practise 5 - I'm a dumbass 7 - My dick sticks out at a very funny angle whenever i wear spandex 4 - Despite all that i said in this crappy letter, your welcome round to my place anytime after 10 pm. 3 - Remeber that time i shoved a whole ghurkin up my ass? good times baby! 1 - you must be african? 127361873618273617538 - SHOOT ME NOW! 8 - May i donate to you my prize selection of mosquito poo? 9 - your name is obcenely long. so is my dick
Hear What People Have To Say." Answer This And Send It Back To Me. Post It On Ur Bulletin Without The Answers. You Might Be Surprised With The Results.
Y = Yes N = No M = Maybe
Would You?
[_] Come To My House To Do Nothing But Chill? [_] Slap Me? [_] Kiss Me? [_] Let Me Kiss You? [_] Watch A Movie With Me? [_] Take Me Out To Dinner? [_] Take A Shower With Me? [_] Take Me Home For The Night? [_] Let Me Sleep In Your Bed? [_] Repost This For Me To Answer Your Questions? [_] Lock Me In Your room And Take Advantage Of Me? [_] Let Me Make You Breakfast? [_] Tickle Me? [_] Let Me Tickle You? [_] Stick Up For Me Uf I Was Being Put Down? [_] Instant Message Me? [_] Greet Me In Public? [_] Hang Out With Me? [_] Bring Me Around Your Friends?
Do You... [_] Think I'm Cute? [_] Want To Kiss Me? [_] Want To Cuddle With Me? [_] Want To Hook Up With Me?
Am I... [_] Smart? [_] Cute? [_] Funny? [_] Cool? [_] Loveable? [_] Adorable? [_] Great To Be With? [_] Attractive? [_] Mean?
Have You Ever... [_] Thought About Hooking Up With Me? [_] Found Yourself Wanting A Kiss From Me? [_] Wished I Were There? [_] Had A Crush On Me? [_] Wanted My Number? [_] Had A Dream About Me? [_] Been Distracted By Me?
Are You... [_] Happy You Know Me? [_] Thinking About Me? [_] Going To Repost This
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amandatrivette's blogs, last updated : May 2, 2009
Step 1: Put your iTunes or equivalent on random.