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Thursday, July 21, 2011

heartbreak and healing

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Do you ever feel like you did something wrong? Except all the time? I ruined everything this time. >.< No matter how many times you say you're sorry, it doesn't matter. Even though this time I said it didn't matter if he still loved me or not, I just wanted him happy. Even though one day he might read this, I don't mind.
 I remember the day I got an email with a poem. I'm pretty sure it had taken about 3 hours to write, because it had all the right words. I quickly printed it out and saved it in my agenda book so I could look at it whenever a teacher or somebody was making me feel bad. It felt like he was always there every time I looked at the poem.
 There were things we probably shouldn't have told eachother, but I trust(ed) him, and I'd hope that he trust(s/ed) me. Sometimes it would get really personal, but I was ok with it. He's one of few people that know of a certain fantasy I'd have with my future partner, and he is/was that person.
 I'm pretty sure I bothered my friends to death whhen I'd come to school litterally glowing because of the conversation we'd have the night before. I'd talk so much about him, but now, there's only about 2 people who actually listen and care about what I have to say about him.
 I've messed up before, and I was beyond happy that he forgave me for it. But now...I'd give everything (even my guitars O: ) to have him forgive me now. I didn't realize at the time that as we talked during the night, that I was making things worse. Now I just hope, that he'll figure out one day, that I respect him, that I enjoy his voice and what he has to say, that I love him. I've never loved a guy as much as I love him. I laughed and I've cried while talking to him. But best of all, I've learned to trust somebody, and to love somebody, and to love myself,

Even though he may not love me anymore, this has made me think. Stopping right where we're at, he's changed me, in a good way. He's made me feel wayy better about myself, he was always listening to me babble on about my shit, he always said the right things. He even made me think, if I couldn't describe something, he'd always tell me to try. Many nights I'd gotten in trouble for spending wayy to much time on the computer...Because I'd been talking with him. But it was all worth it. <3
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