What I don't think a lot of people realise is that depression isn't constant at all. You have on and off days. Sometimes you can be having a good day, see or hear something and be plunged into a low point and so very many things can set me off these days...
It's a constant battle to keep myself out of these bad moments and, honestly, most of the time I loose. I see so little reason to draw hope from anything most of the time... I'm in a crappy job that won't be lasting much longer, my body is...well many things but to me it's repulsive, my playing is iffy at best, I can't write music for crap, I'm socially paranoid to the point where I basically can't make the first move in talking to someone and I spend huge amounts of my time these days fighting the urge to carve my arms open and watch myself bleed.
But hey, life goes on, the war still wages and my sleep pattern never gets any better...
To be, or not to be, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep— No more—and by a sleep to say we end The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to. 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep— To sleep—perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub! For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
New stuff time again, something that I knocked out in about 5 minutes at work earlier and inspired by something that was actually said to me by a close friend within the past couple of days. No pretentions to being lyrics this time, definitely a poem.
Perfect
The perfect man wakes up in the morning eats a perfect breakfast goes to his perfect job serving some customers with perfect courtesy comes home at the perfect time eats a perfectly nutritious dinner talks to his perfect family helps his friends with perfect advice sits in his perfect room with his perfect things watches the perfect movie on his perfect TV lies down in his perfectly made bed and sleeps a perfect sleep
I would so much rather be you than me. You have no idea how much I hate being me sometimes...
You're in college, you have a girlfriend, you can write songs but most of all...I don't think you spend your life feeling like a third wheel. You have everything I want in life right now and you don't even realize it...
If you're going to recommend me to your band doing whatever, please, in future, TELL ME FIRST! Mysterious emails from random people do confuse me quite a lot...
In other news, I have a job and start on monday; repairing laptops for 9 hours a day...go me.
When I stay up late I begin to consider my life; I get lost in thoughts about things. When this happens I usually come to the conclusion that my life as it stands is trite and meaningless which inevitably leads to come kind of strategy to get out of the horrific rut I find myself in. The next day the promised new routine and changes never seem to come, actions never taken...my life continues its inexorable course ever forward and I end up the next night not only considering my life but how I keep failling to make the changes I so badly need...
I should go to sleep early ever night; I wouldn't think like this, I'd be healthier and certainly look better (eye bags are not flattering).
Someone, haul me out of my hole; give me a better reason to leave my bed and make me see a reason to stay out of it once I get home...right now I don't see either very often.
Many many thanks to Dmitry from UG support for fixing my little screw-up, the completed "Writings" entry will be up soon after I get home for all those that care.
| My Profile
Zaphod_Beeblebr's blogs, last updated : May 15, 2009
