This isn't possible, but... Albums most consistently in any general Zappa top five (excluding the first part):
1. Weasels Ripped My Flesh 2. Joe's Garage 3. One Size Fits All 4. Waka/Jawaka 5. Absolutely Free 6. Apostrophe (') 7. Freak Out! 8. We're Only In It For The Money 9. Sleep Dirt (non-vocal version) 10. Lather
Top five 60's: 1. Hot Rats 2. We're Only In It For The Money 3. Burnt Weeny Sandwich 4. Uncle Meat 5. Lumpy Gravy
Top five 70's: 1. Grand Wazoo 2. Roxy and Elsewhere 3. 200 Motels 4. Bongo Fury 5. YCDTOSA #2, before the drum overdubs
Top five 80's: 1. Them or Us 2. YCDTOSA #5 disc 2 3. You Are What You Is 4. Tinseltown Rebellion 5. Make a Jazz Noise Here
Top five overrated but still good: 1. Apostrophe (') 2. Sheik Yerbouti 3. Zoot Allures 4. Over-nite Sensation 5. Zappa in New York
Most fraudulent top five: 1. Old Masters box 1 2. Old Masters box 2 3. Old Masters box 3 4. You Can't Do That On Stage Anymore 5. Lather (original)
Top five post mortem: 1. CPIII 2. Lost Episodes 3. Imaginary Diseases 4. Buffalo 5. Wazoo 6. I'm listening to OSD now... very good.
Top five future/potential releases: 1. Dance Me This/The Rage and the Fury--put em out already! 2. The entire collection of stuff hiding on the Synclavier 3. The Making of Joe's Garage 4. The Hot Rats band--the complete recordings 5. 1967 Garrick Theatre--the complete recordings
1) You’re going to need a guitar. If you’re a “real punk”, you’re a
dirtbag and you can steal one. If you’re one of those wannabe punkers,
you can get your mom to rent you a guitar. Just make sure you never
take lessons or practice. If you do, you’ll be overqualified to write
punk music.
2) Find some other angst-ridden youngsters with no talent and convince
them to play drums and bass. Bonus points if you can get a drummer
who’s willing to pierce his dick and play drums panstless.
3) Take the three chords you know and use them to write a whole album.
And when I say three chords, I don’t mean three actual chords; I mean a
fifth or bar-chord played on three different neck locations. For
example, song 1 is played G-C-A-D and song 2 is played A-C-G-D. Slight
variations on the same box chord progression make an entire record.
It’s that simple. Since the song-writing process is so fucking simple,
make sure to take drugs all the time to give yourself credibility. If
you can’t deal with shooting heroin into your nutsack, just fake it.
Your fans will buy it.
4) Make sure you wear punk-hip clothing when in public. Smoke a lot and
don’t forget to sneer. Talk about anarchy even though you probably
couldn’t spell it. Remember, swearing and safety pins prove to the
world you’re an authentic punk. Dyed hair helps, as does an “I don’t
give a shit” attitude even when some guy is fucking your ass like it’s
a vagina. Also, get as many tacky star tattoos as possible.
5) Hang out at the mall all the time yet complain about consumerism and
the lemming-like mentality of the general public. Make sure to hide the
fact that you bought the last Pink album and “jam out” to it every night before bed.
6) Record a shitty demo at your friend’s house and pass it out. After a
few weeks, other punks will be willing to blow you because you’re a
punk rocker. The low quality of your demo makes your punkness more
credible.
7) Play live shows from time to time. If you fuck up a song live, it’s
ok. Just pretend you overdosed or something. Try to get booked to play
concerts with a political agenda. Play at one of the Rock Against Bush
concerts and call W. a fascist even though you don’t know anything
about politics. Shit, for all you know America is a monarchy.
8) Whenever you get the chance to do an interview with the press, be
completely incoherent and drugged up as possible. Your fans will think
it’s cool. Mention the Sex Pistols and the Ramones.
9) Commit suicide because it will make you a legend. Don’t hesitate to suffer for your art.
That’s pretty much all you need to do to be a famous punker. Once
you’re dead, your fans will talk about you like you were a god. There
will be a thousand cover bands that dedicate their nightly set to your
memory, and even more punker broads that claim they had sex with you
before you died. Hollywood will probably make some gay movie about your
band and your fans will visit your grave and dry-hump the six feet of
dirt covering your puny body.
If this kind of life doesn’t appeal to you, you could always try to be a pretty-boy pop-punker. Blink-182
did it; it shouldn’t be that difficult to follow in their footsteps.
After all, they were just lucky retards. Look at them also: Simple Plan, Avril Lavigne, Allister, Good Charlotte, The All-American Rejects, Yellowcard, Tokio Hotel, MxPx, etc. etc. Oh, and Ryan Cabrera.
Sincerely, with love, I hope you succeed, Signed by: me
I got home from the recycling place today (not that I care about the earth, I recycle for the money.) and my ears were greeted with some of the shittiest music I've heard since I accidentally turned the channel to MTV. It sounded like walking into a Guitar Center where a bunch of pansy junior High School kids are trying to show off what great guitar players they are. They all suck, they look incredibly stupid yet think they look really cool, they all play the same Nirvana/Greenday/Blink 182/Jewel(if it's a girl) songs extremely poorly even though all of that shit is extremely simple, and the kids that think they're REALLY cool start soloing using old and tired pentatonic scales, so poorly executed, it makes you want to kill yourself. Then, you hear a bunch of stupid shits trying to play drums; they can't keep a beat so they just keep pounding on the cymbals as hard as they possibly can. The shitty guitar kids' playing, and the retarded drumming mingle together and form something that could be called the antithesis of music. That's what I heard blasting down my street when I got home today.
My street is not a guitar store, so I had to assume that this aural abortion was an attempt at real, structured, music, horribly butchered by a bunch of fucking morons who think they rock. They must think highly of themselves, because they were playing so loud I could clearly hear every mangled note from more than ten houses away. I can't begin to describe how bad this shit was. I've been in some bands that were bad, some were downright terrible for one reason or another, but this awful cacophony was an abomination. It was a loud, stupid, terrible racket, and the assholes responsible for it should have their arms removed with tiny, sword-shaped toothpicks so they can never disgrace music again.
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Victoria-R's blogs, last updated : January 31, 2009
