The_Fuzz22

A Monologue

I’ve still got Christmas bells ringing in my ears, in my head. Loops of random riffs of songs I don’t even know or like, through the night and day, half-muttered forgotten lyrics in a language that’s probably too vague to have any meaning, at least not any more.

The familiar, unwelcome, tepid but acidic feeling in my chest and throat tells me I’m angry about something before I even know what. I’m aware I’ll snap in a moment. It’ll only last a few seconds, but in those seconds I’ll scream and thrash so loudly that afterwards I can only hope that nobody heard me.

It’s easy simply to blank my mind out on a song that’s got nothing to do with my situation. It doesn’t matter what it’s about; it’s just the sound, the noise; that special inspired ignorance etched into a tune that’s important for me. It doesn’t matter how many times I listen to it either; the fact that it’s rhythmic and repetitive and vapid just helps. It slips in so smoothly with the monotony that I’m accustomed to and replaces it, overlaps it. It’s not soothing. When it’s gone, the problems and the pain are still there but it doesn’t matter.

If I can be allowed to drift in the abstract for too long, maybe I won’t come back. I’ll reach a state of inner peace that will only make everything I perceive and do all the less important because I’m just… drifting. If you’re drifting you can’t touch anything, you can’t feel anything, you can’t know anything. Reality dictates that I must be hunched over a laptop in the dark, but the Empires marching through my consciousness are far easier to lose myself to.

Overreaction and melodrama are all relative to the accuser. If I’m feeling it, it’s real to me. No other opinion matters.

A severe lack of logic in the general population and a certain level of hypocrisy when it comes to applying said logic have caused me to lose faith in the concept of logic itself. If nobody else can be bothered with it, is there any point in pretending to have even a scrap of integrity?

Don’t categorise me, don’t class me, don’t grade me, and don’t judge me. I don’t think I’m better than people, I don’t think I’m “above the system”, I just know it doesn’t matter. I’m doing you a favour here; I’m saving you the effort of wasting your precious time on what you’d refer to as an underachiever with lots of potential. I haven’t earned the attention, and I don’t deserve it, so save it.