As you guys probably have noticed, I have some mental issues that hold me back from achieving my full potential. I decided, about 5 months ago, that it was time for me to try for disability. I can't hold a job or stay in school because of Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, and Major Depression. My doctors seem to think that my BPD is turning into Schizophrenia, but I'd like to think not.
Anyways, the good news is, Social Security has made a decision on my appeal for SSI Disability, so I should hear about it in the next week or so. The bad news is that I'm only allowed about $700/month. That's great for not having a job, but not much to live on. So, my answer to this is low-income housing, food stamps, and state insurance. Not that I like living like this, but without the ability to hold a job or, at least finish college, I fear that it's my only opportunity to get out on my own.
The reason I can't hold a job:
I used to be a fantastic people-person. I loved being around people. I loved being the center of attention. I still love being the center of attention, but the problem arises when I'm not...I start to get paranoid. I think people are talking about me and feel like everyone is against me. After this paranoia, I start to hear voices in my head confirming these fears and I get really anxious to get out of that situation. This has caused me to drop out of college twice, quit two jobs, and fired from one.
The best thing about this is, of course, money for nothing (Checks for free). Someone should get that reference. Anyways, it seems that this would be everyone's dream. I get to sit around, do nothing all day, and get paid. Well, I think it sucks. It makes me feel like the biggest POS in the world because I'm not giving back to society. Not to mention the agonizing boredom that it causes. I wish it weren't this way, but I honestly can't help it. I plan on having a part-time job of only a handful of hours/week to, hopefully, give myself some sort of satisfaction. I was raised thinking that you have to work to make a living, and I'll be damned if I let a few doctors tell me that I can't/shouldn't work at all. I'm going to fight this and I WILL win. I hope to be off disability one day, but for now, I'm going to cross my fingers, and hope that I can get on it so I may get out on my own. If it doesn't go through this time, my lawyer will take it to a hearing. Both my lawyer and my SS Caseworker are pretty confident that it's going to be accepted this time, though. So, here's to luck.
Don't ask why I was gone. I felt as though I out-grew internet forums. That's changed, and I've decided that I can't let go of my interweb buddies! What, with all the bitching in blogs that I've done. You guys are awesome!
I'm 20 now, and I've got a couple more songs uploaded that are pretty good quality for being home-recorded guitars with computerized drums. Check out my instrumental wankery, and "The Wounds I'll Never Mend." The second one, I am especially proud of. Everyone I've shown it to has absolutely LOVED IT! Even with the pitchy/forced singing of mine.
I just wanted to say "Hi!" to my subscribers, and hopefully, this will get me back into UG again. Love you guys.
Finally, I'm somewhat active again! Give my new MP3's a listen? Most of them are just little jam sessions of mine, but Late Night is a song that I wrote. Well, I suppose I didn't really write it yet as the lead is just improv, but hey, it's a song, right? :P
I am hopefully going to get a POD for Christmas. A Pocket POD, to be exact. Seeing as I have no way to use a mic anymore, I figured I'd ask for one of these. Hopefully, this will keep the noise complaints to a minimum also. My poor neighbors hate it when I turn my 6505+ up to get a good tone - which is almost all the time lately. My eardrums must hate me...
I can't garuntee that the crappy MIDI songs will be posted - lost the tabs. Good time to train the ears, perhaps? I will, however, definitely be posting more MP3s.
My other option would be a Vox ToneLab ST. I haven't really heard anything about this other than the reviews on the internet, so if you guys would choose, which would you get?
In some news about my mental stability...
You probably don't know that I had a recent meltdown. Well, not that recent, a couple months ago...Anyways, when this happened I got suicidal AND homocidal. On top of that, something possessed me to hurl myself into walls and to the ground and other things. Not good...Anyways, I got sent to a mental hospital - voluntarily, but court-committed - for 6 days. While I was there, I was diagnosed with ADHD (Predominantly inattentive). Along with my already-diagnosed depression, this affected my ability to handle stress and caused incredibly unpridictable impulses. It also gave me a sudden burst of energy when I felt stress and the stress, energy, and impulsiveness mixed together would give me these 'episodes' like the one described. This happened around mid and late September.
I had been seeing a therapist before and am still seeing a therapist, however that person has since changed. More recently, however, my doctor ordered my to go see a psychiatrist. This person was able to evaluate, diagnose, and prescribe any medications. The reason my doctor sent me here was because she thought I was misdiagnosed in the hospital. The psychiatrist seemed confused because ADHD is generally something that is seem throughout childhood, but I had only been showing symptoms since the 6th grade. She agreed, however, that my medications were the correct ones and simply boosted the dosage.
After starting 72mg of Concerta and 40mg of Citalapram (look them up to know what they do), I began, or thought I was beginning to show strange and apparently serious side-effects. Dry mouth, jittery, muscle tics, lack of appetite, and hallucinations. These were all side-effects of Concerta that can be signs that you're taking too much, obviously. If I had continued the use of it at this doseage, I had a very high risk of cardiac arrest, stroke, or heart attacks. I called my doctor and she ordered me to get back on the old dosage of 54mg.
I complied, but for some reason one day, I decided to try the 72mg dose again. The side-effects never came except for dry mouth. I think most of them were my brain tricking me. As for the hallucinations - I was incredibly tired that night and as I was driving, I started to drift to sleep. Luckily, I was able to pull myself out of it, but when I did, I saw shadowy figures run across my path. The tics, I assume, were also from fatigue because they don't happen anymore.
I'm very excited to say that these medications have helped me tremendously and I hope to be done with therapy and psychiatrist visits all together within the year.
Will post a separate blog with more cool stuff, but the power is flickering so I don't want to lose this.
Like I said, continuation post 'cause the power is iffy...
...I'm very excited about my medications as the seem to be working wonderfully. I'm focused. SOOOO focused compared to what it used to be, and life is so much better. Stress rolls off my shoulders and everything is OK!
An apology (Sort of)
Not long ago I posted a really whiney thread in GT bitching about how I had no faith in practice and so on...Why I did that:
My guitar playing seems to remain at a constant all the time. That particular day was just a bad day in general and my depression and ADHD started to relapse. In my frantic, impulsive stupidity, I posted a bunch of shit pretty much complaining about how I don't have any confidence. Here's what I really meant:
It's true, my guitar playing does seem to remain at a constant, but I doubt it's completely flatlined. However, I never seem to make noticeable improvement, even over the course of a month or two and I *thought* I was practicing with enough focus where I should be seeing at least moderate results. I was not. Anyways, what I really wanted was some songs around 6nps that I could use to practice. My real problem was this:
I would practice constantly on the same thing and once in a while, I'd just let it rip for fun and it fell together perfectly *sometimes*. When that happened I kind of figured "Ohh, I've done it before, I can do it whenever I please." I needed something new so that I could work on that without thinking that I could do it at Xnps.
I hope you enjoyed reading. I kind of said f*ck it to details toward the end 'cause I figured catching everyone up from something that happened 2 1/2 months ago would be too much, but I hope I got the gist of it across.
First off, credit of the idea of this list goes to sglover34479.
I'll edit this list for a while and add/remove things later on.
1. Relax my picking hand more. 2. Become more economical with motions. 3. Learn how to sweep. 4. Learn 'Silent Night, Bodom Night' by Children of Bodom. 5. Get a new transformer for my amp. 6. Make new friends. 7. Keep my girlfriend. 8. Find my 'place' in the world. 9. Get better grades in school. 10. Win a track meet. 11. Buy an XBOX 360. 12. Find a dedicated band. 13. Learn a foreign language. Not Spanish. 14. See Children of Bodom live. 15. Meet Alexi Laiho. 16. Buy a Schecter C-1 Artist. 17. Get a decent job. 18. Mod my Kramer. 19. Sell some of my gear. 20. Brew some homemade booze. Then drink it. 21. Street race. 22. Try an ENGL amplifier. 23. Expand my musical taste by finding 10 new bands. 24. Write an album. 25. Record album. 26. Make a cover album. 27. Learn to fingerpick. 28. Help a friend. 29. GET LAID! 30. Say "Fuck you" to someone I hate... 31. Learn to sing. 32. Get a new puppy. Train puppy myself. 33. Learn 'Kingdom for a Heart' by Sonata Arctica. 34. Donate to Komen for the Cure. 35. Donate to at least one other cancer foundation of a different form of cancer. 36. Make a short film. 37. Meet a radio DJ. 38. Be on the radio. (Again) 39. Gig. 40. Learn to knit. 41. 1-up sglover34479 in at least 10 things. 42. Talk to Freepower. 43. Build a guitar. 44. Mod my DS-1 45. Get a DECENT cellphone. Not a Tracphone...=/ 46. Teach someone how to play the guitar. 47. Fix my computer. 48. Buy Nintendo DS and some Pokemon games. Beat one game in one day. 49. Go entirely by military time for one week. 50. HALFWAY! 51. Do nothing at all except what is absolutely needed for one week. 52. Finish reading 'Willow' and start a new book. 53. Call someone from UG. 54. Feel closer to my family. 55. Finish this list. 99. Learn to count past 55. 100. *Insert goal here*
My absolute best guy-friend (brother, practically) asked his mom to use the credit card for Christmas shopping. Average every-day thing, right? I thought so. He went out, bought about, oh, $300 worth of gifts for everyone, family included and when he got to his hometown, he stayed at a friends house for a few hours. Then, he went back to his house...
To his sad surprise, the cops were at his house talking to his mom. Why? Well, apparently, his mom "forgot" that she lent the credit card to him and his mom thought he had been kidnapped. She thought his 'kidnapper' was spending thousands of dollars on her credit card...I saw what he had bought. He bought a present for his brother, his mom, a couple friends, his gf and that's all. I also know for a fact that he spent no more than $300. I was with him the whole time...
The next day I learned that his mom DID press charges on him. Yep. His own mother pressed charges on him for something she let him do. Anyways, now they're in debt. About $500 worth, to be exact. I don't quite know why the bank are being so stupid about this. I realize that they want their money, but how does $300 explode into $500 in a couple days?
So I went through Christmas worrying about my friend and getting about $300 from relatives and such...I decided "He needs this more than I do..."
The very next day, I drove to his house, knocked on his door, gave him a big hug, and handed him a $100 bill.
Well, at least a start of one. I definitely like this one better than the last. It's much more catchy, IMO. On top of that, it's got the whole band playing. Drums, two guitars, and a bass. I had a friend convert it and the guitar sounds a little more br00tal than the regular MIDI. The only problem is that the whole thing is pretty muddy and such...
Anyways, I learned some of Angels Don't Kill by CoB and I'm thinking about posting it when I learn it all, excluding the solo. My guitar playing is surely advancing. Now that I'm focusing on relaxing all around, I can relax my picking hand better, and thus, I'm more accurate.
Well, this just sucks. I'm pretty sure the transformer in my amp is phucked. I'm not really sure if it's worth the cost to get it fixed or not. $250 transformer, or sell this amp for $100 and put that $250 toward a used VK or something. Either way, I'm in for spending quite a bit of money that I don't want to spend. Especially around Christmas, when I have to buy everyone else presents...
So here's my biggest (personal) issue at the moment. I have a girlfriend, but her parents don't let me see her alone. I've thought about breaking up with her, but I've also thought about talking to her parents about it. I love her, just not as strongly anymore. If I break up with her, I have a couple other girls that I could date. HOWEVER...Her parents may be moving soon and apparently, after they move - in a couple of weeks - they will let us be alone again. I'm really wondering if we will ever be as close as we used to be...
Then there's the friends, death, and cancer bullshit again. My closest friend has a skin condition where if she gets too hot, she breaks out in hives. The doctors are testing this like crazy, but can't find a diagnosis. They think it could be lymphoma. Now, my closest guy-friend is in a lot of pain right now. His spine is apparently involuntarily moving. I don't really see how that could happen, but the medical world is full of mysteries. Anyway, if his spine keeps moving at this rate, he could die in a month and a half, a month, or even sooner. He's the first guy that I've ever trusted with emotional issues.
A quote that has hurt me, helped me, and the like... "Everything, one way or another, comes to an end." The physical aspect of things will come to an end. However, the connection that you've made with another person's soul will never be broken.
One last thing that I'm slightly proud of. It was for an English 3 assignment and my teacher seemed to think it was very creative...
Broken Mind, Broken Spirit
The mind and spirit coincide, To bring together the soul inside, When one breaks, the other follows, When one aches, the other is hollow, This is when the body useless,
The fleshy exterior housing thoughts, Twisted mind full of knots, Made empty by a horrid scene, It is anything but serene, This breaks the mind and spirit
My first poem. A lot of it is, admittedly, pretty bland and cliched. Such as the rhyming pattern... AABBCCD EEFFG etc...
Well, I was just at a friend's house and there were a couple girls there, too. I had no interest in either of them and they had no interest in me. We are, however, very close friends.
The mother of one girl came over and wanted the two girls to go shopping for stuff with her. They both walked over and were about to give me a hug good-bye and when the daughter of this girl went to hug me, the mom stopped it and said "Mother is around, there will be no hugging..." This is understandable to me, so I simply blew that off and said goodbye.
Then, out of the normal order of things, the girl went to introduce me to her mom and I offered a hand-shake. The woman said "No, don't touch me!" She then noticed that I had earrings and provided the comment "Are you gay!?" The 'fuck you' look in my eyes never left hers as she walked out the door...That was my way of saying "Goodbye, and good riddance," HER'S on the other hand was "Sorry that you can't take a joke."
Until I gave her a death-stare, I don't think I did much to deserve this sort of behavior. Maybe the hug went too far for her, but...that gay comment and the don't touch me bullshit...ugh. She reminded me of a 12 year old. :facepalm:
Also, I'm too lazy to post a blog about it, so I'll just post my thread. It explains most of it. Cancer Sucks...
Just when I thought I was out of that downward spi
Some of you may know that I had a girlfriend who wasn't supposed to be dating anyone. She's pretty young too (only 13). I know it might have been a stupid decision to get involved with someone who was that separated from me as far as maturity goes, but I just had this seriously strong bond with her that I just couldn't shake...
Also, my best lady-friend is moving now, because her father got a job that pays better in a different town. She's been there for me when NO ONE and I mean f*cking NO ONE else has been.
There's also a few other friends that we hang out with and we're really REALLY close. If someone feels bad, someone helps them. It's a 'family' of 6 teens who are really close to each other.
Friend 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 is what we'll call them...
Friend 1 is the person who is moving soon. Now, she's a really great person and I love her like my sister. She's always there for me and I try to be there for her. One night, she was being really depressed and I went to her house at 2 in the morning just to be with her and show her that I cared.
Let's say Friend 2 is me. Unfortunately, I've been a real prick to the majority of these people. However, lately, I've needed them ALL and they've ALL been there for me. Thank God. I've already told them that I was sorry and they've forgiven me. Thank God.
Let's talk about my girlfriend a little bit now..."Friend 3"...She's also a great person to me. She understands me. She supports me. Most of all, she loves me. She grew attached to me just as fast as I grew attached to her. When I met her and talked to her for the first 4 hours I was with her, something just clicked. Something, somewhere clicked into place.
Friend 4...Ahhh...Now I was a REAL prick to this one...She seemed so damn annoying that I couldn't stand to be around her. She just never seemed to shut up. Finally, one day, we decided to say sorry to each other, and move on. We haven't really talked much until now.
Friend 5 is ANOTHER girl...She's always quiet and never really comes forward with anything...I was pretty mean to her too because...well she isn't the brightest...Quite frankly, I didn't like her either...but she's there for me now.
Finally...a male...Friend 6 is your average guy. He's funny around anyone. He's a football player and a really fun person to be around. At his maturity level, he doesn't really have the 'personality' aspect of attractiveness. He's still mostly LOOKS LOOKS LOOKS!
Now, everyone always seems so happy. No matter who is being mean to who. We all just brush it off and move on. Suddenly, in the middle of the summer, Friend 1 decides to tell everyone that she was moving to a place far away and that everyone should forget about her right then and there...Needless to say, we didn't. She was always there for us. It was our turn to be there for her.
All-of-a-sudden, I decided that I was going to go see my girlfriend one day. She's always so great to be around. Sadly enough, this was NOT the day to see her...I was walking her back to her house and since I never get to hug her, kiss her, or tell her I love her around her parents, I decided to do so on the side of the street about 2 blocks away from her house. This was NOT the time to do it because her "favorite" uncle was driving around and saw us. He told her mother...
Recently, Friend 5 has been having some family issues and has been under a lot of stress. I had never really heard much about it. I think that maybe she's the kind of person that likes to keep their emotions bottled up...anyways, she told me briefly about them tonight...I'm not going into details but it involves a mother, a heavy alcohol addiction, and near death...
Unfortunately, all of these things collided at about the same time in the past 3 days. My girlfriends parents see me as no better than a rapist because I 'stole' her 'first kiss'...The person who has always been there for me no matter what is moving soon, but even the strongest people go through depression once-in-a-while. Now, being as close as we are, every little problem here affects everyone in a certain way. It makes us all sad. It took it's toll on all of us. Suddenly this little family/friendship thing we had has fallen apart and there's no one for any of us to turn to. Everyone seems so selfish in their own problems and doesn't want to help each other out.
I think we might be pulling it together now, everyone seems to be wanting to help each other out rather than help themselves out. Obviously, that's the best way to go.
Honestly, I want to keep my girlfriend, keep my best friends, and help everyone else at the same time...Which is going to be hard.
I just wanted to tell you guys that to show how easily people can be brought down by maybe being too close or maybe just things colliding at the wrong time, but we've all been under a TON of stress lately handling our own problems, along with all our friends' problems as well...There's not much detail in here, but I hope I got the point across...
Maybe I should blog about my problem and see if anyone on UG has some ideas about it...