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Sunday, August 12, 2012

Yet another blog.

Current mood: blah

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So its been quite some time since I've written a new blog. 

Do you ever get the feeling that you're the only sane person on this planet? I get that feeling a lot where i live, what with my mother being manipulative and bitchy while my dad smashes up my computer as he cannot control his anger. Then there is my sister who tries to convince me to be a Christian, trying to show me that there is another way to look at life. 

Have i tried to look at life differently? Absolutely, I've even taken Charlotte's offer up to try to convince myself that Christianity is true. I've tried to convince myself since the beginning of this year. I read the Bible, I've read a dozen books that try to give scientific, moral and sociological proof that Christianity is justified. I want to believe 'the good news', i want to believe that we are all here for a reason, i want to believe that life is about more than survival, I need that meaning because i don't have a functional family, i don't have an education, i don't have any money, any job prospects, any future by the looks of things.

And i know that whoever cares to read this may be thinking to themselves 'you are so young, you have so much to live for', but i don't. If i'm going to get out of this house and keep a million miles away from my father (who is a violent, intolerant prick), i need to get better qualifications, but the problem is that my family refuses to fund me to do anything different in university as they're hellbent on me being an engineer. Its not like they can't afford for me to go to uni, they simply refuse to because they're assholes.

I understand that some people do not want spiritual enlightenment, but when you're living in a life that has so many problems, so many insecurities, so much uncertainty, so much misery that having a sense that all of this bullshit means something becomes a growing desire, it becomes a human need.

My heart wants to follow faith, but my mind just doesn't allow me. 
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