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Tuesday, March 27, 2012

An attempt to put my feelings into words

Current mood: depressed

Views: 140
Comments: 2

Having a period of depression does some strange things to you. The world can be the sunniest place, people can still smile at you cheerily, children can laugh and cry, the sun can warm your skin, the sky can be clear and blue, but its still as grey as winter.

 

Concentration seems an impossible task, from a physical and psychological standpoint. You’re too exhausted to see and hear, nothing is pleasing to look at as the magic effect that the whole world is grey is carried indoors with you. Everything seems like a murmur and a blur. And you all you feel capable of doing is sitting there, wondering, dazing far off into the future, hoping, fearing and dwelling on what the future is holding for you; each challenge, each pitfall, each second of suffering. And then you look up to the pieces of blank paper in front of you like it is a piece full of scribbles and hieroglyphics, it makes no sense and you don’t see the point in trying to make any sense of it. What looked familiar to you a few months ago now looks like aliens wrote it.

 

Sleep is a fucked up thing too. You don’t get tired in the typical way; not in a way that feels pleasant or relaxing. You feel tired in a way that your mind is rotting away and your lungs have been sucked dry of oxygen, as if you’re with some kind of terminal illness that is slowly killing you.

 

You see chaos in everything. The floor, the buildings, the sky, the walls, the laughter of the children on the street, even the glow of the sun- it all sounds and looks so twisted and wrong; like I’m in some kind of nightmare. The floor looks so cracked and broken, the buildings seemingly random, distorted and towering over you like monsters in suspended animation. Then the children’s manic laughter, with their twisted smiles and bloodthirsty cackling all laughing upon me, feeding off my joy and sense of worth; gorging on it with sickening pleasure that fills their throats with my afterglow, and they belch it all out in demonic laughter and screaming. It drives you to insanity, asking all the big questions. Why me? Why am I here? Am I dead? Am I alive? Am I in Heaven, Limbo or Hell?


These delusions are not one of my imagination; these things I see and feel seem very real. I just want it to stop… I’m begging for help like a man that’s drowning in the ocean. Screaming, crying out for anyone who could be there in a world that’s seemingly infinite and uninhabitable.

If you feel anything like this, I'm sorry, but you need help. I'm not talking about help from your friends, I mean someone who truly knows what they're talking about. Someone who talks to people that see the world like this every day, you need professional help. And judging upon my experiences, you don't have much time to act before you try to end it all; to kill yourself to end all this madness.

The world is a sick, vile place.
4:39 am - 2 comments - 0 Kudos - Report!
Comments
stealstrings wrote on Mar 27th, 2012 11:06am

I had depression....was as bad as this. I don't know what to say man. :(

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stealstrings wrote on Mar 27th, 2012 11:06am

I mean wasn't.

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