Well, as the year concludes. I can't help but feel that I did nothing this year except get older. It should really feel like it was a bad year, especially how December turned out.
The bad things:
Lost girlfriend of 2 years
It's the first year I feel really old
My schoolwork not going well
Letting my health go
Money issues
Loneliness/depression issues
I'm learning that I'm every girl I knows' gay friend
I've taken up the bad habit of being jeleous and covetting
The good things:
I got a new band started
I learned so much about myself
Started on the album
I'm progressing in guitar fast
Oh well...you win some you lose some. Cheers to next year, it can't be any worse then 2007. I love you all
So, the band may be getting a bassist. And not just a bassist, but a 'spiritual' and 'indie', female bassist. Her name's Athene (pronounced Athena). I've known her since 4th grade I think and we've been good friends. She's got a really great folk singer voice, nice and rough, yet still on the edge of perfection. Anyways, this all depends on whether I can buy a really cheap Johnson bass guitar from a friend. This means that I'd have to groom her, but this also means that I'll have control over the majority of her playing style so I can have her play a style that best suites the band. She's got a really good amount of musical and writing talents and a very creative imagination. And the best part has to be that our voices automatically harmonize when we sing.
In fact, this entire thing started when she brought an old folk song called "Bedlam Boys" to me and said that I should make it into a rock/metal version. Sort of like the song "Whiskey In The Jar" only Scottish. There's this really neat flute lead that I think would be amazing to transfer over to guitar. This is going to be fun.
A potato. Think about it. Roses, right now, are cheap. In two weeks, they will be retardedly expensive. Potatoes are always cheap, always delicious - in a word, potatoes are consistent. Consistent like my love, which is crappy.
Roses wither and die over time. Potatoes grow extra weird **** on them. What kind of statement would you rather make to your love? "My love for you is superficial, like the beauty in this flower you will wither and die, and I'll go get a new flower." or "Yea, you might be getting kinda ugly, but my love for you continues to grow."
Despite the fact that this good news happened almost a month ago.
Me and the boys (and hopefully girl(s) before long) officially have a gig at PENN STATE UNIVERSITY on March 9th, and I'm really really excited about it all. We'll only be playing ambient background music, but still, this will be for an audience of roughly over 200, and all exposure should be good exposure for us. (As long as we don't screw everything up).
Anyways, it's a 30 minute block of time we'll need to fill in. And so far we have:
Hey Joe (just instrumental improvisation over the main riff)
Whiskey in the Jar (Nope, not Metallica or Thin Lizzy, we have our own take. And it sounds a lot like acid rock of old)
For The Love of God (Yep, we're doing a Steve Vai cover. And it sounds amazing so far)
Under The Bridge (Brandon knows this song by heart, I just need to learn the lyrics)
Life's Been Good (the Joe Walsh version, it's coming along at a steady pace)
So far that's all we have. Other choices in the future may be:
One of the Winter Series songs that I wrote
Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin
Revolution by the Beatles
Seagull by Bad Company (I really really really want to do this one)
But there's always a catch. We need more equipment. I need to purchase the following items:
A mic stand
A powered mixer
Another amp
New strings
We also need to do the following:
Train Athene in the art of bass guitar
Get Brandons' cousin into the mix (on keyboard)
Work out how we're going to set up our speakers
The order of the playlist
And so many other things
But this sounds like it'll turn out rather lucrative. And cheers to the best of luck.
I shall burden my entire profile with a blog containing a full list of albums that I own
Garage Inc.-Metallica *
Metallica (The Black Album)-Metallica *
Ride The Lightning-Metallica
Taking Back Sunday EP-Taking Back Sunday
Tell All Your Friends-Taking Back Sunday *
Where You Want To Be-Taking Back Sunday *
Louder Now-Taking Back Sunday *
Blood Mountain-Mastodon *
Leviathan-Mastodon
Ace of Spades-Motorhead
Best of-Boston *
Best of-Atreyu *
Lead Sails Paper Anchor-Atreyu
Best of-Megadeth *
Best of-Guns N' Roses *
Best of-Johnny Cash *
Best of-Thin Lizzy
Best of-Pantera *
Best of-Blue Oyster Cult
Best of-Chuck Berry
Best of-The Offspring
Best of-Queen *
Bad Company-Bad Company
15-Buckcherry *
The Dethalbum-Dethklok *
Good Morning Revival-Good Charlotte
American Idiot-Green Day
International Superhits-Green Day
Dookie-Green Day
Led Zeppelin IV-Led Zeppelin *
Black Rain-Ozzy Osbourne
Bleach-Nirvana
Nevermind-Nirvana *
Incesticide-Nirvana *
In Utero-Nirvana *
Rearview Mirror-Pearl Jam *
Three Days Grace-Three Days Grace
One-X-Three Days Grace
Eyes Open-Snow Patrol
Libertad-Velvet Revolver
Jason Aldean-Jason Aldean
Relentless-Jason Aldean
Minutes to Midnight-Linkin park
Apathetic EP-Relient K
MMHMM-Relient K *
5 Score and 7 Years Ago-Relient K
When Broken is Easily Fixed-Silverstein
Discovering the Waterfront-Silverstein
Sound Check-The MPG Band
Inhuman Rampage-Dragonforce
*Indicates the album means a lot to me or I love it to death
Albums I Really Want:
Look What I Did-Joe Walsh
Kill 'em All-Metallica
And Justice For All...-Metallica
Load-Metallica
Reload-Metallica
St. Anger-Metallica (Yes, I know, and I still want it. I liked a few of the songs)
Alien Love Secrets-Steve Vai
Sound Theories-Steve Vai
...actually...I just want a bunch of Vai albums
Purgatory Dance Party-Polkadot Cadaver
Vicious Delicious-Infected Mushroom
I don't know why, but those two subjects have been plaguing me for the past week or so. I feel so weighed down with sin. My mind flutters back and forth between sex and suicide, and it's depressing. I mean, it's not really that I've been considering suicide, I would never do that, it's just that I've been doing A LOT of thinking about it. How I would do it, what reactions I'd get, everything. Like I said, I feel weighed down with sin. Even with the sex, this isn't typical teenage libido. I mean there's some hardcore shit going on in my brain, and I hate it so much. Images keep showing up in my head that I would never otherwise imagine.
I need my religion I guess. I need to talk to God again I guess. I need to kick habits I have, that's a fact.
I hate those days when you just can't get the smell of a girl off of you, and not even the cold winter rain can wash it off of you. So you just watch the water gilt the window payne of the sliding glass door to the porch. Even if you were able to get rid of her heavenly scent, you'd be thinking about her, constantly, as if she's the plague onto your mind. Crawling through the confines of your secluded mind, sectioned under a file simply called 'her'. As much as you'd like to close that file, you just can't bring yourself to do it. She strides along the recesses of your mind and eases her way into your television set. At first, her eyes are cold, dull, and lifeless, but as you begin to fiddle with the remote, her eyes gleem with life as she looks at you as if she wants you, as if she needs you. Then you find that you're tangled up with her again, and tomorrow will be another day of trying to get rid of her scent.
It fills my hand, this apple I have. Nice and big, without any bruising, perfect. Just from looking at it I can tell it will be juicy and satisfying. I take it and rinse it under the sink, making sure to cleanse it, making sure it's ready to be consumed. I smile to myself as I see my faint reflection in it's beautiful redness, my image distorted and faded, but there none the less. The paper towel rack spins wildly as I yank a single sheet from it and wipe the apple off, then discard the paper towel, and a long with it, the excess fluid that was on my beautiful apple.
I casually walk into my den, the largest room in the house, a large TV sits upon its crucifix and a coffee table adorns the large white couch, and the large white couch adorns a girl who lays upon it. Although she's older then me, she's a pretty young thing, wearing nothing but a tank top and worn up jeans. Her luscious red hair flows down past her shoulders and her warm doe brown eyes look at me and try to burn through my chocolate ones. She breaks her eye contact and looks back through the sliding glass door that leads to the porch, her warm breathe fogs the glass and she kisses the window before the fog can clear, leaving perfect imprints of her lovely lips, portraying every fine detail of them except for their ruby redness.
I open my mouth to speak "Think about it, the apple is one of the more devine fruits...isn't it?" she raises her brow and looks at me "Something so heavenly that it would be the forbidden fruit, the fruit of wisdom and knowledge. Wisdom exchanged and experience can be summed up in this fruit, and with it, the burdens of this knowledge. A symbol of temptation if you will" I should know better then to waste these philosophies on her, she doesn't know of Adam and Eve, or Eden. All that she could hope to compare this to is Snow White and the poison apple, it saddens me at first, but in all truth, I realize that it's the exact same concept. Can mankind really resist the apple? Can mankind really resist temptation? If you could know something you're not supposed to, it's only human nature to try and find out anyway. I set the apple down on the coffee table and look out the window with her.
Without averting her stare she parts her lips "Jacob" she starts, I look over to her, my ears drawn to what she has to say "I know I've asked you this before, but if things were different, do you think we could be together?" she asks. She's asked this before, but this time, a certain quality in her voice tells me that she's asking for more then just the answer I give her, there's a hunger in her voice. "No" I sigh and try not to smile. "What do you mean no?" she says and stares at me, surprised that I didn't say 'yes' like I usually do. "I mean, right now I'm trying to clear myself of temptation, and I'm afraid that having you would only allow me to corrupt you" I say, I hope I'm not to obviously trying to lead to other things. "I'm already corrupt" her voice goes soft and gentle, yet with a hint of sensuality. "I guess what I'm really asking is, I want to know what it would be like to be with you, I really want to know"
I look at her with wanting eyes and kneel down beside the couch, not before getting the apple off of the table. I stare at the apple. My right hand goes to her stomach and I slide my fingers slowly up so they go just underneathe the fabric of her tank top. I can feel her heart racing and her breathe getting heavier, but her expression remains the same, one full of curiousity and hunger. I bring my other hand up, the apple in it. My eyes slowly go to hers, this time, mine burning into hers. My lips slowly part as I bring the apple into her sight and I ask, "Apple?..."
Slowly, she started drawing pictures that looked less and less like me. The boys she drew slowly turned from jet black to blonde, and their long curly hair began to become shorter and straighter. The once chocolate brown eyes that were submerged in a night atmosphere were now light blue and surrounded by light. She kept drawing pictures until it seemed to me that I was out of the picture completely.
When she drew herself in with these other boys, I became jaded, angry, and jeleous of the boys she drew. Being an artist myself, I know ones tastes do not simply change like that, there was a boy behind these blue eyed handsome figures she drew, and I hated this boy with an unrelenting passion, despite not even knowing if he even truly existed.
To me, this girl was mine, and only mine. I brought her from the brink of suicide myself, I kept her safe under my wings, I fed her ego and self esteem until it beemed brightly like I knew it once did, I slept with her when she felt alone, and knew when to back off when she needed her space. She knew how I felt about her, and also understood that I would never get in the way of her friends or other interests, despite me wanting to.
She loved me, and I loved her, but we couldn't be 'in love', it was simple as that. We couldn't make it work, she was much to coquettish, and I knew she slept with other guys, though we've learned enough about each other to never speak of these other guys. Admittidly, she said she'd cheat on me if we were together, and she and I both knew that I would become a control freak and we'd both be more or less miserable, these were not speculations, these were the unforgiving facts.
And so we stayed in this state of emotional limbo until two days ago. This is when she told me that she'd be spending that night with a boyfriend of hers, openly admitting to me, breaking our little treaty, and she'd show him the best night of his life. For those next two days I did not hear from her at all. So I stewed alone with my thoughts, the overwhelming sense of jeleousy and anger just brewing, wanting to explode. I swore to myself that the next night we'd spend together would be the most satisfying night of her life, that she'd never want anyone but me after that. It was perfect, and I waited, blind fury building up inside.
It's over, I did what I said I'd do. I roll over next to her and try to catch my breath, despite it being winter, the air feels hot and humid. I lay on my stomach, eyes closed, smiling to myself. All the tension feels lifted. "That was amazing" her voice chimes, it's music to my ears. I open my eyes and look down to the floor. I see a small piece of paper sticking out from under her bed, curiousity gets the best of me and I reach down and pull it out. It's a printed picture of a boy, a familair boy. Under that one is another sheet of another boy that looks strangely framilair. Then it hits me, they're the same boys from what I thought were her drawings, I shift through the papers to find ones that I've seen before, in some, she's drawn herself on the printing. I look back at her and I'm reduced to a plaything as she parts her lips "You know, I didn't do anything two nights ago"
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Spay's blogs, last updated : November 20, 2008
