The self reflective essay I wrote for Adv Higher E
Current mood: accomplished
Women's pyjamas disturb me. And I can't figure out why. I'm a diehard romantic, and I love intimacy, but every time I get a phone call or message from a female friend late at night, I just have this image of them in faded pink silk pyjamas, and the image brings a sour taste to my mouth. I break out in a cold sweat, and feel faint. It's horrible. This reaction only lasts a few seconds, and it never happens under any other circumstances, but I don't understand it. I'm not nervous around girls... well, I'm not particuarly confident either, I'm just further away from the nervous end of the spectrum. So what's going on? As I said, I crave intimacy, but pillow talk, which I percieve to be the pinnacle of a close relationship, makes me squirm, and want to run. I remember going to see a girl, having arranged to meet her, and upon seeing her outside the coffee shop, having every cell in my body scream at me "What are you doing?! Get out of here, you fool!" and wanting to turn around, and run like the wind, breaking up with her in an evasive text message. I didn't though, I'm used to these little flashes of self-doubt, and was perfectly fine until she broke up with me a few weeks later. But why did I feel like that? I really liked said girl, and she was clearly pleased to see me. I wasn't worried that she didn't like me (as arrogant as that sounds), or she was going to see the "real me", not some facade that I'd created to get her to like me. I don't do that, I'm very open, as it's hard to be close someone if they're under the impression you're someone you're not. Perhaps in this incident, my subconscious was aware that the seeds of the break-up had been planted, and was trying to protect me, or my psyche was savagely undermining any chance I have at happiness. I say this because this happens often, in all aspects of my life, I do things I know to be stupid and pointless, things that are not going to end well, with little or no positive pay-off for me. I procrastinate frequently, and I seldom study. I have no real self-regard, and will do something, anything, if there's even a slight chance I can pull it off. I don't think I'm self-destructive, I wouldn't be surprised to be told so, but, to be honest, I don't really care. I find myself indifferent to almost everything these days. However, I do find myself in a much more positive, optimistic mindset if I am with partner - I can motivate myself more easily, and create less havoc, and am more focused, based on the preface that everything I do is a reflection on the girl, so I'd best behave. This has no real residue, unfortunately, and dissipates with the relationship. I don't believe my reflex behaviour is due to my wallowing in self-pity, though I am guilty of this, but is in all probability a form of relaxation - I don't have any expectations to live up to, so I sink into my old ways. I'm not an unhappy person in day to day life, but I'm always happier when I'm in a relationship. Maybe it's some strange form of reflected glory, but I would more likely put it down to an increase in confidence. That said, there's something almost spiritual in what happens to me - it's like I'm blessed. I find myself to be understanding more in class, the syllabus becoming clearer, I make more people laugh, I'm more insightful. This is not perception, I really improve when I'm in love: I'm almost filtered off all the negative qualities in myself. So why do I baulk at the prospect of an intimate relationship, if I acknowledge that it is what I want, and that such a thing would make me happier, and improve me as a person? It's not because I believe the girl is not good enough for me: I worship the ground they walk on. Perhaps some factor within me who dislikes who I become, and prefers me the way I am, that aspect of Jungian theory - the duality of man - that is to say, I'm only happy when I'm miserable. And I'm not scared of commitment, in reality, I'm guilty of over committing to tasks I have no real interest in. Therein might lie the answer to my hasty affections - This girl is not the one for me, and I know it, but it would be easier for me, because she's here, so my feelings are manipulated into strengthening, and there is some aspect of my psyche sabotaging this move for it foresees the pain that is inevitably coming my way, as I struggle to turn a casual relationship into a marriage. This inner conflict may be the reason I feel late a night - it manifests itself into a kind of grogginess.
Thought I'd announce my being back with a nice blog
First off, I'd like to thank Emz, Dan, Joey, Cory, Eric, and any other UGers that have offered some form of support for me. I love you all (seriously, bullet taking time)
And I'm good, had a nice break, got a few things off my back, formed a funk band. Probably back to my sweet, sarcastic, self-depricating self.
Alliteration anyone?
Anyway, if there's anything major that has occured in my abscence, I'd like to know.
And I do have a question to ask - what's with the influx of attention seeking brats on this site? (Mostly girls - I'm sorry, I think it's well documented that I'm pally with some of the girls on this site, but they tend to be genuine musicians, not little posers) Shouldn't they be banned? This is a musicians site, not for little girls to get self esteem boosts. Or for them to rant how people try to put them into "types" and "categories". It's pathetic really. Perhaps make mp3s compulsory? Let's weed this crap out. This site could well just turn into myspace, or facebook, and while that's all very well, that's not what this site was created for.
Yeah, they're crap! But (I cannot stress this enough) I was tired, a little hurt, it was late, it was recorded on someones mobile phone in a bathroom on a whim. 3 covers, 2 improvisations... If anyone's sad enough to want a tab, message me....
Suppose I'd best post a blog since society dictates I must lol.
Neways, UG profiles, eh? Is this turnin into myspace or what? How long b4 we get spammers and porn stars tryin to ad dy all the young'uns to corrupt our innocent and pure minds?
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Sozes Flying V's blogs, last updated : March 24, 2008
