My story I made in the Pit (contains Frenchy) Choo
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- Your name is Vincent Wutpear.
- Your age is between 13 & 17.
Let's go.
You wake up to the smell of bacon wafting through your room. You think, W00t!11!!!1! it's teh brekfist tym!!!1!
But you realize that you haven't left your room in four days, so your
legs can't handle your fat to muscle tissue ratio and you fall to the
ground.
*Sigh*
What will you do now?
A. Yell for your mum to come in and pick you up off the floor.
B. Go back to sleep.
C. Masturbate.
D. Instruct the unfathomable amount of sperm you fell in to make a human ladder that you can pull yourself to your feet with.
E. Masturbate.
C was chosen
You start to do the deed when you notice you have nothing to cut down
on the friction. Dry-rubbing chafes, you know. You look around the room
and see some of the lube you use for guitar strings. If that shit dries on your cockles it's going to rot it off, but you don't care. If it does fall off, remember, UG is your doctor. They'll know what to do.
You start fapping and three minutes later you make a mess, the kind Bill Cosby would yell at you for.
Then, suddenly you remember and yell, "TEH BAKINZ!!!!"
You almost forgot all about the bacon! Remembering it induces the first recorded case of a second orgasm.
What now?
A. If you can fap, you can get yourself up. Get up.
B. Masturbate.
C. Call mumsy and tell her you want upsies.
D. Toboggan on your belly like a penguin into the kitchen.
E. Masturbate.
F. Tell that bitch to bring you your bacon, I think you've earned it.
D was chosen
You take off your shirt and grease down your belly with semen. You
start your way to the kitchen. First, you go down the hall, take a
left, and you come to the stairs. You say, "FUKKIT, I NEEDZ MAH
BEKKIN!" And shoot down the steps at 33 feet per day. You come to a
crashing halt at the kitchen stove, but that doesn't matter, you made
it! Give yourself a wank on the back! You realize that your p3n0r is
still hanging out, but your mother hardly notices; you come to
breakfast like that all the time. She lifts you up and says,
"I made teh bekkin fer ye, mah li'l fizzbiffit! Cam an' sit doon on this noice camfy chair."
She of course means your Pokemon chair, it's shaped like Mudkip. You go
and sit down, then proceed to eat half your weight in bacon. You
realize something when you're full; you haven't wanked in over five
minutes! This simply will not do. Now that you have the strength to
walk, you go back up the stairs. You see your little sister tried to
leave her room, but got stuck and cocooned in the semen trail you left.
Oh well. you go back into your room and shake the mouse to wake up your
computer. The mouse takes quite a bit of shaking, as it is glued with
semen to the mousepad. You wipe some caked semen off of the computer
screen and empty out your left sock--it was full of semen! Your hair
that goes just past your eyes blocks your vision, so you slick it back
with some semen. You open up Firefox, and open the first tab up to
pr0nz. Well, it's actually 4chan, but meh. Same thing. In another tab
you open up UG and and you realize something....even though you're an
'08er, it feels as if you've been doing this for years. It depresses
you....but then you realize you still have your **** in your hand. Time
for wanking....
Just then, Samus appears out of your bedroom window, she's on the deck of some sort of space ship! She says,
"Vincent Lolwut?"
You reply, "WTF?"
"I knew I had the right house. We have to go, Vincent. Your new serial number is 745."
"But I is teh wankin'!!"
"No time for that."
"But-"
"Look, do you want to save the world or not?"
A. Well, she's hot. Go help her, at least thhere's a slim chance that
you could give 'ol righty a break and let a fembot handle the job.
B. Masturbate.
C. Tell her, "Piss off, you bloody twat hancock!"
D. Play it smooth, this may break your cycle of boredom.
E. Masturbate.
F. UREH!
F was chosen
"UREH!!!"
You hack her head off, brute style. You are now left with new choices...
A. Jack her ship. Go into the final frontier.
B. Necrophilia.
C. Masturbate.
A was chosen.
You crawl out of your window and into the ship, you take the controls
and begin to take off. All systems are running smoothly until...HOLY FUCKBANANAS!
Your systems core computer is being overridden by the FrenchyFungus virus! Your screen flashes one word, over and over again. BANNED!!!
BANNED!!!
BANNED!!!
BANNED!!!
You start to use the hacking skills you've developed. You open up the
command prompt and type in 'MSPAINT'. The FrenchyFungus virus is
starting to spread like a, well, fungus! You have to think quick. What
is the one thing that a FrenchyFungus virus could not handle?
You start to MS paint a penis. A nice big one. Its defenses weaken!
I choose you--Charizard!
The charizard hacker program starts to fight off the Fungus virus...and
then the virus changes shape! WTF!?!?! No regular virus has that power
unless it's....an ADMENSTRUATOR! What have you gotten yourself
into!?!?! Well, there's no reasoning with one of those.
A. Masturbate.
B. Pull out the big guns.
C. It's time for some brains food--there's bacon in your pocket.
D. Sweet talk her.
E. Masturbate.
D was chosen
You start to back off on the offense a little.
You begin to type,
"Hey there, Frenchy. You look beautiful today. Love the hair. Have you
lost weight? No. You never had to. You're perfect in every way. Have I
ever told you how beautiful you are, to me, you're the very definition
of beauty. Every guy loves a powerful, independant woman. Now, come on,
you don't want to bring this little ship down, do you?"
...
BROWNNOSING GETS YOU NOTHING!!!!!
BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN
BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN
BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN
BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN
BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN
FUCK! Well, it was worth a shot, but now what?
A. Take the USB jump drive out of your pocket and use that. It's not called 'The Master Sword' for nothing.
B. Masturbate.
C. Try to reason with her.
D. Wait a minute, this is a case of "there is no spoon", there are no girls on teh interwebz!
B was chosen
You begin to masturbate. The FrenchyFungus hacker notices this.
"Um, what are you doing?"
"What I do best, sugarlips."
"You can't talk to me like that! I'M THE ADMENSTRUATOR!"
"That may be, but it seems as if the cock is on the other foot now."
"What?"
"Don't put your libraries in one submarine."
"WTF?"
Just then, you splooge into the hacker's program (somehow) and
deactivate her power. A FrenchyFungus without power is just a silly
little girl at a computer somewhere. You give yourself a victory wank
and get back to what's important. You have to fly somewhere. Where to
go, where to go.
A. SOVIET RUSSIA.
B. Masturbatorium.
C. Frenchy's house. Finish her.
D. A wormhole in outer space.
E. WTF happened to bendystraw?
C was chosen
You fly right into Frenchy's front yard, and she runs outside.
"You just don't know when to quit, do you?"
"You're becoming too strong for your own good, FrenchyFungus. I'm here to put you in your place."
"You don't understand, I'm trying to help you!"
"What?!? LIES!!!"
"It's true! You see, I wa-"
Just then she gets pulled into another spaceship by a tractor beam. You
watch in amazement as she is lifted up into the hull. The spaceship
takes flight into outer space.
A. What if....just what if she was telling the truth? Is there something big going on here? FOLLOW THAT SHIP!
B. Masturbate.
C. She's probably still logged on to her UG account...go and abuse her admenstruator privileges!
C was chosen
You land your ship and walk into her house. You almost break your neck
trying to navigate your way through the plush animals everywhere. There
is something missing....!!!!! She doesn't have a guitar! Not one! What
is she doing on UG anyway?!?!?
You go on her computer and say,
"Linux? WTF?!?!? Who uses teh LINUX?!?!? N00b!" You go onto UG and
start to ban anyone and everyone in sight. You get a PM in your inbox.
It's from Zappp. You open it.
"Dear FrenchyFungus, You have proven yourself invaluable.
Everyone knows that this site costs too much to run, so I must shut it
down. The problem is: if we have over a certain number of users, we
have to keep the site going. With your ban-happy ways, we will bw well
under that number in a matter of hours. I love you."
You ban a few more people, and just as the "We hate Frenchy" thread gets started, you decide to leave.
A. Go off in search of FrenchyFungus.
B. Masturbate. In Frenchy's house...
B was chosen
You begin to do the deed in Frenchy's house. You blow your load all
over everything she owns. And her toothbrush. Still no sign of a guitar
anywhere. You go outside and get back in your ship.
A. Find her...she may be telling the truth...after all, she's not completely evil.
B. Masturbate.
C. Fly to Soviet Russia.
A was chosen
You fly off into space in search of FrenchyFungus. You lock onto the
radar system of the other ship. It's about 7 parsecs away, but at the
speed you're moving at, that's no problem. This is the Ragnarok, after
all. (Final Fantasy VIII reference) You finally catch up and get
withing striking distance of the ship.
A. Go in guns a'blazin'.
B. Patch in comminications with the leader on the other ship.
C. Masturbate.
C & B were chosen
You masturbate for a good 2 minutes, then try to get a communications
uplink with the other ship. You munch on some steak-ums while the meter
fills from 0% to 100%. An alien face appears on your video screen.
"WTF YOU WANT, BISH?"
"Do you have the FrenchyFungus?"
"So what, bish? I has, like, 27 muthafuckin' FrenchyFungus's."
You kept him distracted long enough to sneak on the ship and into his quarters.
"TAKE THIS, COCKWEASEL!"
You skeet in his eye and he disintegrates. You cut off his thumb and
open a fingerprint scanner door with it. You go to the detention center
and break into Frenchy's cell. She is laying down, but brings herself
up a little when you enter.
"Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?"
"Silence. What is this nonsense about you helping me?"
"Oh, silly me, I lied. I just wanted you to free me, because I knew I was going to be captured. You see, i was naked, and-"
"Pics or it didn't happen."
"Well, I was ordered to do this."
She reaches out and snaps off your p3n0r.
"WTF, FRENCHY?!?!?!?!"
"And soon, I will do that to EVERY male on the interwebz!!!!!1! Imagine
it; a world where EVERYONE on the interwebz had no p3n0r! We will all
be females! It happened to me, so it shall happen to you! All hail
Zappp!!!!1!!1!!111!"
"You'll never get away with this, I know your secret!"
"Oh, and what is that?"
"You don't even play guitar."
"..."
"That's right, hoe."
"Why...you....HA! I care not! Even if you survive not having a p3n0r, you can't tell everyone. Victory is mine!"
"I guess this is the end...EXCEPT THAT I HAVE THIS!!!!!"
You flash to 'it' a picture of the LOLWUT pear, her only weakness.
"NO!!!! YOU BASTARD!!! I'LL HAVE YOUR BALLS FOR THIS!!!!"
And thus he/she is transported to the dimension from whence it came.
You crawl back to your ship, and get back in the pilot seat.
A. Masturb--oh, wait. You don't have a p3n0r.
B. Someone else take over the story, I've been doing this all day.
A was chosen
You instinctively reach for your p3n0r, but find nothing there. You
decide to fly home, so you set a course for Earth. You arrive at your
house and go inside. Everything seems so empty. The semen caked on
everything is a haunting reminder of the unfulfilling life you led
prior to Samus's fatal visit. You go on UG and start a new thread, "UG,
my p3n0r has been taken away by FrenchyFungus, what do I do?"
The first few responses are somewhat generic.
"D00d, we're not ur doktur. GTFO"
"I has a group about this. teh "My WEENER GOT STOLEN BY FRENCHY" group. JOIN FTW!"
"Pics or it didn't happen."
"Put a band-aid on it."
"Buckethead rulz."
"That sucks."
"That sucks. EDIT: Fuck you! ^ lol"
You didn't expect much, and not much is what you got. Go figure. Just then, your mother walks into your room.
*Mrs. Doubtfire voice* "Well, helloooooooooo! Am I interruptin' yer
chronic masturba- GOOD GRAVY, YER DINGUS IS A-MISSIN'! Well, then,
we'll jus' 'ave tah fynd it now, doon't we?"
"But ma, a French chick stole it! We couldn't find it if we tried!
"A French woman, eh? Well, that'd do it to yer, laddie. 'ave ye asked 'ol Ooltimaht Geetar aboot what teh do aboot it?"
"I did! I noes! I need a replacement or I'll never fire one off to Lindsay Lohan again!"
"Thah is a wee bit heartbreakin'. The seme thing 'appened to yeer father ten months 'afore we 'ad yoo."
"You whore."
"Go doon teh 'ol Blackey's drugstore and buy yeerself a new one. I know
you doon't meke any mooney jes' lyin' aroond an' beein' useless all the
time. So heres twenty seven dollars I made doon at the HoorHouse. Go
buy yerself a new Tallywacker."
A. Go down to Blackey's and buy a new wang on foot.
B. You're too lazy to walk. Jack a car.
C. See how your sister is, she's been trapped in semen for a while now.
B was chosen
You walk outside and look around. Everyone's car is in their garage. Fuck.
Well, you're gonna have to do it the hard way. You step out into the
street and stand there, waiting for a car to pass by. One does,
eventually, and it's currently occupied by a Chav. You walk to his
window.
"WTF, m8. Oim troiyin teh droive 'ere, yeh feckin' wank, you."
"I want teh car."
"Wha' makes yeh think oill jes' give iht to teh?"
"You're adopted."
The Chav runs crying out of his car and his makeup starts to run. You
get in and remember that you're not old enough to drive. You've never
driven anything before! But you don't care. You press on the longer
pedal and start going down the highway at 120 km/hr. You run over a dog
and keep going. You pull up at Blackey's and walk inside.
"What you doin', cracka? You need some cert-e-fied gun licenceses to hunt sum bears, yah damn fool?"
"Silence, negro. I need the finest p3n0r you have."
"It's in my pants, bitch! Sit on it!"
"Look, either pick some cotton, or give me the wedding tackle."
"Fine, I get you da bes' we got. I keeps it on da top shef."
He pulls down a box with a pristine looking cock inside. You attach it in 30 seconds or less.
"Thank you, negro. How much for this transaction?"
"Yousa haves it fah free, massa."
"Really?"
"No, foo! Dat is be $28."
"Go feck yerself, dickweed!"
You throw the empty box at his balls and run outside. After running 37
feet, you need to stop and take a rest. You're winded! What now?
A. Wank. You need to break that baby in somehow.
B. Adventure in the sewers.
C. Blow up the Chav's car.
A & C were chosen
You stand on the sidewalk and start fapping. Everyone runs away screaming, but you don't care. What you do care about is torching that chav's car. Why? Why not? You take out a thermal detonator, and C3PO says,
"Because...he has a thermal detonator!"
Jabba - "Wha! Oooh! Nowanano scooba nowakidunniniah! Nipple PINCHY!"
You throw it into the chav's car and run. Slowly, of course, you don't
want to overexert yourself. It explodes and a few people die. No big
loss. An Irish cop comes running over. Oh shit.
"Come bachk heer, yoo!"
You run faster. You look down and notice a bug keeping pace with you. The officer grabs you by the collar.
"Do ye lyk roonin' noow, ye wee lil' pike?"
"No ossifer, I sweah!"
"Thah' kynd 'o behaviah I might expect froom ol' Patty O'Riley, but noh from a wee lil' wankah such as yeerself."
A. Adventures in the sewers is starting to sound pretty good right about now.
B. Masturbate.
B was chosen
You scream, "The cake is a lie!" and cum in his face. He drops you and
starts muttering in some sort of babble. You escape into a manhole (the
sewer kind, not goatses here) and wind up in a sewer. (no shat.) You
start walking and come across a clown.
"Everything floats down here!"
"Fuck off, wanker!"
"You'll float, too."
You punch him in the cock and walk away.
A. Masturbate
B. Masturbate twice
C. Pull the lever
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