Caution: This review contains no real insight or valid opinions, it's purpose is purely entertainment (my own, mostly.) There's also copious swearing and passages of horrendous dullness that may not be suitable for any sane human.
Right then, this week's RAW! What, too fast? I know I usually pad out the intro to reviews with the awkward literary equivalent of discussing the weather with a Uni lecturer but fuck it, let's get right to it!
Details about the first part of the show may be a little hazy due to the lack of sound but it's fairly obvious what's going on in the opening scene, there's R Truth, John Cena merchandise, throwing and a whole heap of batshit on toast. I do have to say I'm warming to R Truth's heel persona, I think delusional is a little bit of an understatement and that "de-icer chuggingly mental" is probably closer to the mark but he plays the role of a lunatic brilliantly, abusing fans and making the refreshment and merch vendors' lives a whole lot more difficult in a way that suggests he really has gone off the rails a bit. He spends some time shouting like a particularly inconsiderate religious extremist (not racist) just suicide-bombed his local KFC (again, not racist) before being interrupted by "The Superhuman Guardian of the People" John Cena, who promptly challenges Truth, promising to knock some sense into him, which seems like something of a lost cause at this point but I'll roll with it, the main event is sorted.
I might as well comment on this now, I'm really really not a fan of the way Michael Cole's character is being handled right now. He's spent months and months establishing the fact that he's a total wanker and now they're just expecting him to slot back into his old role as a boring neutral commentator!? Don't get me wrong, if he has to be in the WWE at all then that's certainly the best place for him but it's all a little sudden, don't you think? It's like giving Gary Glitter a job in a nursery and expecting people to just be okay with it, it just isn't going to fly as well as you might hope.
Right, Kofi vs Ziggler. The first thing I noticed during this match is that Ziggler has gone back to looking like a Swedish Bond villain/porn star, I'm guessing that piss poor attempt at "re-invention" didn't pan out as well as they might have hoped, and it is admittedly a good look for him. The second thing I noticed is... well, that's it, really. An entirely average match from (in my controversial opinion) two entirely average Superstars. As in most cases, JR's hilarious jibes, this time about Vicki Guerrero's weight, were the highlight of this segment.
Alberto Del Rio is then introduced by his wonky, stumpy "Michael McIntyre without the personality" ring annoucer, completely counter-intuitively speaking Spanish to an exclusively English speaking audience, in order to address the events of last week. He proceeds to tell Big Show that it's all his fault and that he owes him money in a very angry voice, which to me seems a lot like smacking your dick against a wasp's nest, it all seems like a good laugh at the time but the consequences will be dire and horribly horribly painful, I await the inevitable and hilarious beatdown.
A couple of Divas show us their tits backstage for a bit before one of the many many breaks (honestly, every 5 fucking minutes!?) The Bellas vs Kelly Kelly and Eve, then. I get the feeling that I'll have to work on my ability to review Divas matches with a phrase other than "pointless throwaway drivel" but for now let's just leave it at that. As usual, the Bellas lose, making the Divas Championship look like even more of a joke but does anyone really care about it anymore?
Michael Cole once again tries to ruin our fun by trying to make Alex Riley's attack on the Miz seem anything less than well deserved and thoroughly hilarious, which is kind of like attesting to your innocence with a police squad standing over your carefully arranged collection of severed nipples, before Alex Riley comes out to face his "grilling." Despite MC's dramatisation, Alex Riley seems to find the whole thing just as hilarious as I do, there's plus 1 for Riley, a good start to getting back in my good books after being the Miz's whipping bitch for what seems like forever, and proceeds to rip the piss out of Cole, there's plus 2, I'm starting to like this Riley guy. Cole defies the whole PG thing the WWE has going on right now by swearing in Riley's face (naughty naughty!) before The Miz comes out (dressed in a fabulous pink shirt, I have to say) to stop Riley attacking Cole before (epic plot twist!) being attacked himself by Riley. Erm, I'm losing track here... Oh yeah, Riley beats down on The Miz some more and sends him scampering, that's plus 47 for Riley, putting him just above Daniel Negreanu and below Yahtzee on my Official List Of Awesome People, entertaining stuff indeed.
Mysterio vs CM Punk was up next, and for once I'm going to stop being a miserable prick and say that I actually quite enjoyed this match, I quite like both of these Superstars anyway and although it's fairly standard fare for both of them it's still an entertaining match-up, Punk being thrown over the announce table by Mysterio's flying full-body tackle was a particular highlight. The match ends decisively with a kick from Punk and for once it's quite nice to just see a match between 2 Superstars, no (current) feuds involved, no interference ending, just a pinfall and that's your lot!
Kharma's up next then in possibly the most bizarre segment I think I've seen in recent WWE history. We have a huge monster of a woman standing in the ring telling us about her dreams of motherhood, her weight issues and how much she loves JLS (okay, not the last one) which kind of undermines all the hard work WWE has done in characterising her up until this point, like finding out Varg Vikernes actually quite likes Girls Aloud. Anyway, it turns out she's up the duff and has to leave for nine months. I really don't have anything more than an indifferent reaction to this, unlike a lot of wrestling fans I didn't know who she was before WWE so I only have her minimal time on RAW to go by, and I can't say I've formed any opinions on a voiceless, emotionless character besides, "Blimey, she's big!" Hopefully she will be back and she can give this whole domination thing a proper go. Oh, and the Bella twins decide to finally grow some balls, not really of course, that'd be horrifying but very difficult to hide in those (deliciously) tight pants they wear, and come out to hurl insults at the helpless behemoth, which again doesn't bother me as Kharma might as well be a massive black fireplace for all I care.
I'm going to pretend that silly Obama sketch never happened and swiftly move on...
Evan Bourne vs Jack Swagger. Now I know it'd be easy to lie about this but this is 100% true, a few minutes into this match I paused my Sky+ and proclaimed something along the lines of "Swagger will dominate for most of the match before being pinned in some quick, improbable roll-up/backslide." I then pressed play and watched my psychic vision play out in full colour HD, I felt like fucking Raven Baxter! (in the exclamative sense, not the penetrative sense...although she was pretty hot in the later episodes...) But anyway, massively predictable stuff, I expect more than this.
I don't want to dwell on the main event because it was, and I am being reasonable with this statement, fucking terrible. It's over in maybe 3 minutes with a lame count-out victory for Truth and ends with him spitting in the face of a very obvious plant. And I actually had high hopes for this match, that'll teach you for your naivety, you optimistic prick, Jack!
Overall: Not great. Nothing of any real significance happens, you could avoid this one completely and next week's will still make perfect sense, save yourself the trouble and spend the 2 hours licking your bathroom tiles like I wish I'd have done.