I'm away from the computer for a couple of days and come back to find that my profile has been utterly in shambles. Sabotaged, I tell you!
And the worst part is, the culprit in this monumental crime cannot be tracked or hunted in any way, even by the marvels of conventional computers. What has this hijacker done, you ask, that has made me such a wreck? Well, if the problem wasn't already glaringly obvious, I'll fill you in.
Someone has listened to the mp3s of my guitar skills, and given many of them incredibly low ratings! Hybrid picking a Beginner ++? Preposterous! My work on painstakingly reproducing the multiple-strings-apart harmony from "Five Magics" has oft led listeners to liken me to a guitar robot, or at least a human who had a horrific but life-changing sexual encounter with a guitar robot as a very young child. This is madness!
This is not my only gripe. Power chords a Beginner +?! That would perhaps hold true if I were playing ordinary, standard power chords, my friends. But no, the saboteur in question obviously did not realize the difficulty of the power chords I was playing, which were actually closer to super power chords than anything else. You've got the root, the fifth, AND the octave! Plus, when using the 4th string as my root note, adding the octave in said super power chord involves stretching my pinky monumentally farther than I would if it were a normal power chord. But if blind, ignorant flaming is all this spammer seems to care about, I shall now declare that I will be the bigger man here, and use any methods necessary to track down this renegade and sabotage his (or her) profile tenfold!
Come on, you cowardly sack of scum! Show yourself!!!
(Yeah, yeah, I'm just copying/pasting this opening paragraph into all of my lyric-related blogs; so what?) I just realized that I have no lyrics on my page! So how are you, the innocent listeners, going to understand a damn thing I'm singing? Have no fear; the lyrics are here!
Sad Earth
The radio's better at night and I'll tell you why They don't care who's listenin' But I was listenin' And I heard some interesting words It was really late one night and I tell you I should've been in bed But had the radio on instead And this is what I heard
[Chorus] "Hello all you people of Earth I am watchin' from a ship that lurks A hundred miles above the deep blue sea I mean you no harm So if you see me don't be alarmed Those pretty lights in the sky They're just me"
I told mom and dad the very next day And said they oughtta believe me They didn't believe me They said lyin' was a sin I knew I was tellin' the truth And I turned the radio on that night And about midnight Sure enough I heard it again
[Chorus]
[Guitar solo]
The next day I turn on the TV and what do I see? The Army shot down a plane No ordinary plane It was a UFO I turned the TV off right there Because I knew who they shot down They shot down the man I heard on the radio
I said "I told you so" to my mom and dad But the looked like they didn't even care I don't think they cared Just kept watchin' that old TV I wondered why aliens would want to come here They're better off leavin' us for dead And what the man said On the radio came back to me
[Chorus]
Those pretty lights in the sky They're just me Those pretty lights in the sky They're just me
(Yeah, yeah, I'm just copying/pasting this opening paragraph into all of my lyric-related blogs; so what?) I just realized that I have no lyrics on my page! So how are you, the innocent listeners, going to understand a damn thing I'm singing? Have no fear; the lyrics are here!
Math Ninja
Maaaaaath Ninja [x6]
Whenever there's a nerd in pain watch out for the MATH NINJA Whenever there's a teacher in strain watch out for the MATH NINJA
Maaaaaath Ninja He's gooooonnnnnna getcha Don't try to hide BECAUSE YOU CAN'T
Maaaaaaath Ninja [x6]
Some bully's puttin' kids in trash cans here comes the MATH NINJA The professor's misusing tangent watch out it's the MATH NINJA
Maaaaath Ninja Thought you could get away didn't ya? No more injustice in these hallways EVER AGAIN
Only fight bad guys for the good of science and math Beat out their stupid real good or it might come back Math Ninja preaches the lessons of the past Arm thyself with knowledge and then you can kick some ass
A Trekkie cries out in fear, what's that? It's the MATH NINJA And Becky can't see the board clearly, hooray! It's the MATH NINJA
Maaaaath Ninja He's nooooo one's bitch Wherever he need be HE IS
Maaaaath Ninja He's gooooonnnnnna getcha Don't try to hide BECAUSE YOU CAN'T
I just realized that I have no lyrics on my page! So how are you, the innocent listeners, going to understand a damn thing I'm singing? Have no fear; the lyrics are here!
Business Man
6 o' clock, I don't wanna get up I don't care if I lose me my job A business man knows he can't have him no life Just some fancy cars, a house and a robot wife
I'm calling in sick again today I didn't really wanna get paid anyway
Get up, get dressed, brush those teeth Brew some coffee, read the paper, then leave When I come home at night, tired to no end I go to bed and get up and do it again
I don't think I can take it much longer My body needs a break, correct me if I'm wrong
[CHORUS] I'm no business man I'm just part of a business clan I'm gettin out while I still can 'Cause I'm no business man
I'm gettin out while I still can I'm gettin out while I still can
I don't wanna wear no suit and tie The same suit I'm gonna be in when I die Don't wanna make me no business friends Who follow all the hottest business trends I don't wanna have no business boss Who straightens up his crooked smile with the business floss "Yes sir, no sir, whatever you say" I'm hating this business more every day
In light of these new UG profiles and their "completeness percentage" system, I have done nothing for the past few hours but stare in awe at my computer screen, utterly blown away that, after hours of relentless typing, clicking, and uploading, I'm only little over halfway finished in my quest for ultimate UG profile completeness.
This led me in turn to consider the validity of some members' profiles, and I hope you do as well. How can you genuinely believe that some random addition to anyone's profile is in fact legitimate, rather than some faux fact-free hunk of jargon thrown together in haste to more quickly (and unfairly) inch that member ever closer to that 100% mark? The bitter truth is this, my friends: you can't.
And thus reveals the double-edged sword that is the UG profile system. Yes, it is a glorious and groundbreaking event. Yes, it allows UG's members to interact more personally than ever. And yes, it more easily allows me to scan the site for pretty girls, so I can fancy myself with illustrious guitar-and-female-related fantasies that inevitably lead me to drift asleep weeping at 3 in the morning.
But we've also let in every internet site's greatest enemy; system abusers. Will UG become a flooded, chaotic mess of spam (well, MORE spam, anyway)? Will other members be frequently assaulted with annoying group invitations and band advertisements? Will potential pretty girls end up being creepy 40-year-old dudes in perverse incognito, attempting to thwart my only date-finding technique? Believe it or not, dear UGers, but the answer is (quite fortunately) no. If we all band together as a tight community and vow to only include relevant, accurate information in our profiles (*cough*and join the Wiki-Whores group today*cough*), then the UG of today will be the place for our future children shredders of tomorrow to visit, and cherish as we have these past few years.
Cheers to UG's new direction, and cheers to all who vow to preserve its timelessness.
| My Profile
SethMegadefan's blogs, last updated : August 25, 2007
