So much has changed in the time since I last posted on here.
My misplaced anger and rage led me to make the stupidest decision I have ever made in my entire life. I betrayed the trust of the one I love, and broke her heart (and that, Freezerburn, is why I do not return to the Relationship Thread, I am not worthy to grace it's prestigious halls). The events of the last summer led me to realize many things about myself and about the things I had been subconsciously denying for well over half of my life. Ever suffered from Cognitive Dissonance? Not any fun at all. I further realized that I had no idea who I was as my actions went against everything I thought I stood for and believed.
Indeed, I yet suffer from the consequences of my actions. However, when we hit rock bottom, we have no way to go but up. Now, it is as if a veil were lifted from my eyes and my demons were revealed to me. Not just the demons, but the wreckage that lay strewn about me as a result of the consequences of my actions.
I realized many things . . . my unresolved feelings towards my parents divorce, my denial of said feelings, my weakness and my propensity towards avoidance of important issues.
Given these issues, I have made a vow. As my word has been rendered meaningless by my actions, I must take steps to rebuild its validity. As the one I love has had to make sacrifices due to my actions and decisons, I am going to be sacrificing something of extreme importance to myself. At the same time, I do it not for her, but for myself, to better myself. Because a man is nothing without his word.
Therefore, I hereby vow to not touch a musical instrument for the next 6 months.
Music, and playing music has been an extremely important part of my life since I was 13. However, as my intense emotional experiences were perhaps too much to bear at such a tender age, I turned to music not as a release but as an escape and never really dealt with the problems that were confronting me.
Now, at the age of 23, these problems have come back to haunt my with a vengeance. They have impacted my playing, my ability to groove and to get into the zone. I must let go of music and bring love back into my life. Love is the most important thing in the Universe. Someone once told me that we should not try to share and give love, but rather we should be like a cup that overflows. Feel so much love, for yourself, for others, for the Universe, that you overflow with it and drench those around you. But perhaps this should be the topic of another blog and another time . . .
For now, I pray for redemption as forgiveness is often the hardest step.
Wow, intense read man. A bit eye-opening at some parts, but interesting nonetheless. However, I don't think that is reason enough to not help out in the RT, as it should actually be MORE of a reason to help. Think of all that you've been through. You don't want others to go through the hardships that you have (I'd hope not) so enlighten everyone around you in the RT so the lives of others may be improved. Besides, we've had worse enter the halls of the RT, you are by far not near the bottom whatsoever. Everyone makes mistakes, and sometimes they are a bit bigger than planned. But hey, what can you do? Nothing except learn and move on (which I know you're doing). I wish you the best in your endeavors, and will be praying for you. Good luck.
(P.S. Please come back to the RT, we miss you!!! )