Sanctus Ignis

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Friday, August 17, 2007

Thoughts, Creativity, and Blather (Pt. 2)

Current mood: Full of thoughts

Views: 282
Comments: 2

I know for a fact that I can escape my brain, but it's so damn hard when your brain just sucks you back in.  It's not a matter of will power, it's a matter of accepting.  People confuse my laying out of problems as making up excuses.  It isn't.  I don't know how the fuck else to say it, but it isn't.

I've tried for so long to become the one person who can "get over" certain problems.  Love, a ruined friendship, etc.  I've succeeded in those areas, I've learned how to let go, how to realize that beyond all this, these feelings are truly insignificant, as pessimistic and ugly as it may sound.  Our egos are beautiful things, but in they end, do they really matter?  I see people struggling to get over a failed relationship, or the death of a loved one, and I think to myself "How come you can't do what I did?"  What's so different about me that I can figure out a way to deal with these issues and come out just fine?  Sure, I think about serious things that have happened, and I reflect, then move on.  Why are there so many people who are still stuck on small problems from two years ago?
I've watched myself surpass my age group in certain areas, and my parents can vouch for that.  I find myself wanting to know older, more experienced people.  Sick of talking to these kids who don't know how to handle problems, that in the end are so insignificant.  I start finding out that the older people I'm looking to are in fact the same as those kids.  Fucking around with those same issues, unable to handle them, coming to me for assistance.
So, I tried to play the game.  I did the same thing as those kids and those older people.  I began bitching.  I began succumbing to those same issues and problems, thinking "maybe I just need to backtrack a little and experience it for myself."  I did.  Love, friendships, heartbreak, money, etc. etc. etc. Then I let it all out.  I looked for people who could possibly listen, or give advice.
And the responses I got? The same as always. "k." "I see." "that sucks." "wow." and the ever fucking infamous "why don't you do what I did and try (the obvious thing that you've probably already done ten fucking times to no avail)."
It brought me right back to the same conclusion: No one really cares, and in the end, those issues are absolutely insignificant.
In that time of experimentation, I experienced no development in my character.  No maturity.  I was just running around in circles. I realize that that's what a lot of people around me have been doing and continue to do.
I know they don't realize it, and when I try to point it out, I usually get a negative and/or ignorant response, and that frustrates me to no end, and it has caused to blow up sometimes.  I know people, current friends and acquaintances, who haven't grown much since middle school or early high school.  Yes, they've learned a lot scholastically, matured a bit and talk a little smarter now, but at the base of it all, they still do the same things.
People who claim to be in love for more than two, three, or four years with people who don't share the same feelings back.  People who still react like children to stressful events...although it happens to me sometimes as well.  Perfect, although a very extreme, example: Cho Seung-Hui, the VT shooter. Dude was in COLLEGE, and he reacted like how a lot of middle schoolers tend to react.  The only difference is that he had access to a variety of things, and he decided to take it to the next level by forcing his frustrations on everyone around him.  I'll tell you what, when I was in middle school, I reacted just like he did whenever I got bullied or teased or whatever.  I would sit and loathe in self-pity, and say things like "man, fuck them. They better not fuck with me anymore, etc. etc."  The only difference was, I was too smart and too fearful to really do anything about it.  I knew that if I hurt or killed anybody, I would rot in a jail cell.  I sure as shit didn't want to end my life because that's fucking stupid.  Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and even moreso, I wanted to continue experiencing life.
6:26 pm - 2 comments - 0 Kudos - Report!
HawkaLuigi wrote on Aug 17th, 2007 7:01pm

I see people struggling to get over a failed relationship, or the death of a loved one, and I think to myself "How come you can't do what I did?" What's so different about me that I can figure out a way to deal with these issues and come out just fine?

I hate to be harsh and up front, but that's just you dude. You're not as passionate about those sort of things. Hell, I'm still trying to get over my failed relationship with ******, and I always have nightmares about my uncle and what he did. I appreciate you being there for me when these things happen, but you're just different from other folks. You get over things easier than others.

It's not in a bad way, at all. Don't get me wrong. There are some people who are all sensitive and emotional about every little thing, and there are those people who find it hard to connect and dwell on things. You're the latter. I'm the kinda person who develops a connection with people in real life, and it's hard to destroy that connection with me.

It's not that you're a robot, it's just your personality. And it's definitely a good thing. I love your personality. :)


Sanctus Ignisa wrote on Aug 17th, 2007 11:32pm

In some respects, you're right. I do get over things easier, don't know why. At the same time, it depends on WHO it is really. If it's someone like Cristin, may she rest in peace, or Kayla, or someone that's deeply rooted in my life...then yeah, it's really hard. Still is, maybe I should've explained that better. Sure I can be sensitive in a close relationship, but it's gotta be a certain type.

I don't find everything hard to connect to, just some things. I don't believe you've never seen me be in a passionate relationship though, so I think that was flawed a bit. That again connects with the situation at hand. It's not true either that I can't make a connection with people, you just don't know that part of me.

Remember, an individual is the ONLY one that knows himself better than everyone else. You know yourself, I know myself, and so on.

Thank you for your insight.


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