Sanctus Ignis

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Friday, August 17, 2007

Thoughts, Creativity, and Blather (Pt. 1)

Current mood: Full of thoughts

Views: 231
Comments: 1

It's been hard to sleep nowadays...


Don't know.  I am fully aware that I'm not all right of mind.  I haven't been for months.  I think there may be a medical problem, I don't know.  People can say things to piss me off, sure, and often I just shrug it off.  Who the hell cares, right?  Not constantly.  Every so often, I have bouts of just rage, and I let things get under my skin, and just go off.  Not completely off, that hasn't happened in a VERY long time, but just "wham, bam, who the fuck do you think you are?"  On another note, I've had points where I'm perfectly fine, and others where I'm just like "fuck everything."


Example:  A little while ago I had a dream of my ex-girlfriend's suicide.  When it actually had happened 4 years ago and I learned about it, I was just completely silent.  Stoic.  No emotion, no nothing.  I wake up from this dream, and I just cried.  Seriously.  That was something I hadn't done in 3 fucking years.  Why not then?  Why couldn't I have my time to mourn then?  It festered for this fucking long.


I'm so damn picky and technical.  Too much breakdown of simple information thus making them complex and easily misunderstood.  I can't tell you how many times I've gotten into an argument with a friend because of a simple technicality error on my part. I may fuck up a sentence, or word, without realizing it, and end up pissing people off.  I realize that as time passes, it's gotten harder and harder to explain myself or to make a point without writing some long, drawn out, unnecesary story.


I remember a few months ago, talking to a friend of mine. She had asked me a question on AIM, and I replied with some long ass post explaining shit. Her reply?
"Why do you do that?"
Me: "Do what?"
"Write all that shit when you could of just said something smaller"


I don't know why I do that.  I don't know why I'm so picky about everything.  Is it the fact I'm a prospective music major, because it sure as hell shouldn't be.  I've just always done it...well, I might know why, because I'm trying to fix that goddamn "technicalities" thing I have.


In the past, I would try to keep my answers as simple as possible, then I began to realize that some people would get confused with my answers.  So, I would expand and elaborate on them, and then THAT got confusing. So, I'd expand a little more, and so on.  For some reason, I have such low expectations for people to actually understand me.


"Fuck 'em. They don't need to understand."


Then who's gonna be around to understand me?!

I can't control my damn actions a lot of the time.  If I actually acted like me, and nothing else, just fucking ME, I'd be a hell of a lot easier to get along with.  But no, I have to impulsively react at EVERYTHING, and get all worked up and act like a goofy asshole.  And it's exactly those actions that make people look at me like "...dumbass."

I'm not trying to say that I'm the most misunderstood person I know, because that's bullshit.  At the same time though, as conceited, cocky, and stuck-up as it may sound, I have yet to find anyone who has ever truly grasped the way I process information or look at things. Oh sure, there are those few who may climb up higher on the intellectual totem pole.
I'm not trying to say I'm smarter or better than you.  I'm trying to figure out whether or not I'm alone in this train of thought.  I want to know (even though it's practically impossible to know) if everyone feels the same as me, but they just know how to handle it.  If they learned to accept certain aspects of life and beyond that.  Or if they're just ignoring it...

It's really damn tough to find the time to balance music, work, and the future, when the main thing that occupies my mind mind.
6:26 pm - 1 comments - 0 Kudos - Report!
crazynickman wrote on Aug 20th, 2007 9:36pm

I talk in a really roundabout way too...I don't have to use big words, but I do. I guess in either your or my case, or anyone else's, it could just be a way of having a firm, thorough answer for everything. Maybe for you, it's stability. I don't have a complicated life or problems with much of anything, so maybe it's just me being a smart ass.

And to think I could've just said "Yes."


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