Another Christmas come and gone. I must say, this was wonderful. We actually started pretty late in the game (got ready 3 days beforehand due to things that came up in the past), but it all worked out.
I'm going to be straight-up now. Most people think of Christmas as getting things, a constant influx of gadgets and gizmos that make them happy. That's all. They may spend time with family, but do they really care? Maybe, but they got things. Just THINGS. That's all that matters, right?
I'm sorry, I'm ranting a bit here.
Sure, I got some nice things for Christmas this year. I really did appreciate the notion, especially since we went low-key this year (parts of our family are really tight on money.) You know what, though? Hooray, cool stuff. What did I actually care about? My family. I'm alive, they're alive, and we're together. That's it. Gifts? Yeah, they're enjoyable, but really, I could care less if I got anything or not. Plus, I'm one to enjoy giving a lot more than receiving. I know a lot of UGers on here feel the same way, and that shows their good sense. Props on that. If you love getting gifts more, then that's okay. You're not alone, and that's just your thing. I respect that.
What am I trying to say here? My opinion is nothing new, but it's my stand on the holidays. I care about my family, and I'm so glad we can be together. This may be the last time in a very long time we'll all be together again. Hell, I'm going to music college this coming fall!
Okay, I've gone on enough. I know some of you may want to know what I got, and that's all good. I'll list it here:
-$400 (which I spent on sheet music and Sibelius 5) -A CD of Django Reinhardt (for those that don't know, he was an amazing jazz guitar virtuoso, probably the original "shredder") -A bunch of opera and various classical music -Palm Pilot
I hope everyone had a good holiday. Take care! -David
Hello all. Just thought I'd share some recent happenings in my life. I should be focusing more on my English Comp paper, but whatever. Where to start...
Well, I am an intern at my county's performing and visual arts school, the Greenville Fine Arts Center (I graduated there last year as a percussionist), and it is the highlight of my life. I get to help teach the percussion classes, do work in the music library, and whatever else needs to be done. It's one of the main reasons why I get up every morning, and I couldn't really imagine this year without it. It keeps me busy as all hell (I average at least 32 hours a week), but I'm having so much fun and I'm learning a lot.
Add the fact that I'm heavily preparing for college auditions (percussion and piano, about 4 hours of practice each day) and taking some academic online college courses, and you've got one busy fat guy.
Speaking of highlights of my life, I am dating an absolutely wonderful girl named Fiona. She is the sweetest, most loving person I've ever met, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. We are nearly perfect matches in our interests and the way we think, and no side dominates the relationship. She is a musician as well, an amazing flutist and pianist, not to mention an wonderful singer (mezzo-soprano, her rendition of the Habanera from "Carmen" will MELT you), and it's so fun playing music with her. Seeing her face every day just makes me so happy. She's one of those people who could light up a room by just walking in. Te amo così molto, lo gnocco di zucchero.
With all that's going on, I'm stressed to no end about 98% of the time. I have almost no time to myself anymore (which cuts much needed band practice). That's ok though, because this is certainly a test of maturity and developing as a person. I think I'm dealing with it alright, though. This will certainly be an interesting year.
That's all I can muse on for right now. Back to work for me. Peace.
I saw this somewhere and it gave me the idea to do it, because it seemed not only really neat but it also somehow brought a lot out of some people. It doesn't matter who you are, what the confession is...just do it. Don't be scared. No one will judge you here, this is here for you. I won't say a thing back to any confession unless asked to. I plan to comment it myself sometimes and confess a few things on my own.
"Sometimes when you are going through something, you really want to tell someone, but sometimes there is no one there to listen. If you have something you need to confess or say or share your feelings on - here is the place to do it."
It's always a real pain in the ass when you have this marvelous compositional idea or motif in your head then you go to put it down and you:
a) forget it,
b) really don't feel like putting it down,
c) have writer's block completely,
d) can't decide which idea to put down first because you have so goddamn many of them running around in your head >.<
e) any combination of the above.
I think my biggest issue is choice D. I'm constantly flitting about on different ideas for different pieces I'm working on, and somehow it always gets scrambled and then it's just like...what was I going to do?
Example: I get a new idea for my concerto for timpani and orchestra, go to my laptop to put it into Sibelius 5 (FTW), then I think "meh, I don't feel like doing that right now." I open up a piece my friend and I are collaborating on, get through like...2 measures, then go to my piece for wind quintet. Lalalalala, hey new idea for my symphony tribute to Dream Theater! Open that up...fuck, I can't remember!
On top of that, I have so many different ensembles to write for, and more ideas come up at random! Here is a list of current projects (copied from Facebook):
"So, anybody here working on anything? Currently, I have been commissioned 3 pieces from different people: a concerto for timpani and orchestra, a suite for next year's Fine Arts Center woodwind quintet, and a violin sonata (which I am writing with piano accompaniment.) As for just pieces I'm writing, I'm working on 2 and 4-mallet marimba/vibraphone solos, a percussion ensemble piece, a couple of symphony pieces, and various other mediums. My friend and I are also collaborating on a piece for flute, clarinet, violin, electric bass, and percussion."
Not even fuckin' HALF of my ideas.
Yes, many hazards of having severe ADD. I think somehow it will work out alright though, gut feeling. I think this year will be a turning point for me in many aspects, so I guess it's a matter of applying concepts.
What the fuck happened? So many people my age are into the whole American consumerism strata. Thousands. Millions. So why not me? How in the hell did I not get drafted for that? Is it because of my interests, people I hang out with, life thoughts and goals? Sometimes I wish I could put myself in that life to see what the hell's so glorious about it, why they do things that way.
Aside: You know what really boggles me? The fact that no one can ever truly recreate our percieved reality. No one can recreate the images of reality that we see with our own two eyes. People have tried, for over a century now, but it's so absolutely amazing that they can't, and they never will. Optical vision is so fucking unique. Beautiful.
(sorry for the multis, I had to reedit since it cut out some stuff.)
I think that the majority of people are subconciously addicted/in love with drama. I can't tell you how many people I know with the words "I hate drama" (or some variation of that) on their MySpace, when in fact they drown themselves in it. Every day, they'll bitch about such-and-such event, or "who said what." Confession: guess who's done that shit before?
"My friends and family are my life. Fuck with them, and you'll be fucking with me."
See? Right there, another example of the way I used to be. That was before I came to realize, not that long ago actually (like...before this summer), that they're just asking for it. It's not being defensive. It's a subconcious need to experience drama. It's entertainment.
So then why in the fuck am I able to let my life be so bland? Why do I enjoy that? Why so supposedly am I so different that don't I feel the need to experience drama anymore?
A comparison, my friend "Karen."
She's addicted to materialism. Consume, consume, consume. Her biggest wish is to own a 60 inch LCD-screen TV with a huge bag of marijuana on the coffee table. She doesn't do drugs to experience spirituality, or transcend, or become enlightened. She does them to escape reality, to do something. She's bored with life, and can't seem to find the joy in normal living. Her parents want her to get into Web Design or some such career (which she happens to be good at), but she doesn't want that because she knows she'll get bored. She can't figure out a way to enjoy normal life. She fucking told me straight up that she thought about becoming a stripper so she can make easy money to buy everything she wants. To her, money, drugs, sex, and personal possesions are the embodiment of true happiness, and it makes me so fucking sad to see that.
I wouldn't say I'm an ANTI-materialist, but I do fall on the other side of the line. I try not to consume. I buy what I need, and on the occasion that I do get sucked into materialism, it's just a splurge. My biggest wish is to live a successful life being a musician, perhaps with a life-long partner or friend. I do certain non-addictive drugs every now and then to transcend and become enlightened, to think about things. No, not that stuff you buy off the streets that everyone knows. Tried that for a while before, I'm not going the fuck back there. I find joy in both simple and complex things. I enjoy nature, and just the natural beauty of things. I like to experience life in all its glory. A lot of kids' parents want them to become the typical American-Capitalist consumers, with a 9-to-5 job, a nice house, wife/husband, kids, etc. I don't want that, because I can't have it. My mind has gone beyond all of those things, and even if I tried, I could not EVER do any of that. I want to embrace the things I'm truly good at, and they are: music, the fine arts, technology, and on occasion philosophy. Why am I the only person I know who's like this? No, I shouldn't say it like that...why am I one of the VERY few people I know who's like this? My family and some of my friends accept it. So why can't other friends and acquaintances accept, or even acknowledge it without trying to induce some sort of change in me? Are they trying to ignore it? Is it so damn hard to believe that I'm just in a different mindset? Drives me up the fucking wall.
I am untidy and unkempt. I hate what money can do to people, root of all evil. I despise capitalism, consumerism, government (when run in a fucked-six-ways-to-Sunday fashion.) I avoid trends and fads. I wear wrinkled clothing a lot of the time. My hair is wacky and looks dirty (I promise you, it's always clean). I accept people's judgements of my appearence as ignorance, because they don't acknowledge my character. My wardrobe is made up of t-shirts (a lot with retarded sayings that make passersby go "derrrrr *reads shirt OUT FUCKING LOUD* omg datz funny lolol hay guyz!), cargo shorts, some pants, some dress shirts, and a suit and tux (for orchestra). I don't mind messes, and my room is an example of that (As Peter Gibbons once said: "It's not that I'm lazy . . . it's that I just don't care.") I don't care about religion, and you can refer to that in my previous blog.
I know for a fact that I can escape my brain, but it's so damn hard when your brain just sucks you back in. It's not a matter of will power, it's a matter of accepting. People confuse my laying out of problems as making up excuses. It isn't. I don't know how the fuck else to say it, but it isn't.
I've tried for so long to become the one person who can "get over" certain problems. Love, a ruined friendship, etc. I've succeeded in those areas, I've learned how to let go, how to realize that beyond all this, these feelings are truly insignificant, as pessimistic and ugly as it may sound. Our egos are beautiful things, but in they end, do they really matter? I see people struggling to get over a failed relationship, or the death of a loved one, and I think to myself "How come you can't do what I did?" What's so different about me that I can figure out a way to deal with these issues and come out just fine? Sure, I think about serious things that have happened, and I reflect, then move on. Why are there so many people who are still stuck on small problems from two years ago?
I've watched myself surpass my age group in certain areas, and my parents can vouch for that. I find myself wanting to know older, more experienced people. Sick of talking to these kids who don't know how to handle problems, that in the end are so insignificant. I start finding out that the older people I'm looking to are in fact the same as those kids. Fucking around with those same issues, unable to handle them, coming to me for assistance.
So, I tried to play the game. I did the same thing as those kids and those older people. I began bitching. I began succumbing to those same issues and problems, thinking "maybe I just need to backtrack a little and experience it for myself." I did. Love, friendships, heartbreak, money, etc. etc. etc. Then I let it all out. I looked for people who could possibly listen, or give advice.
And the responses I got? The same as always. "k." "I see." "that sucks." "wow." and the ever fucking infamous "why don't you do what I did and try (the obvious thing that you've probably already done ten fucking times to no avail)."
It brought me right back to the same conclusion: No one really cares, and in the end, those issues are absolutely insignificant. In that time of experimentation, I experienced no development in my character. No maturity. I was just running around in circles. I realize that that's what a lot of people around me have been doing and continue to do.
I know they don't realize it, and when I try to point it out, I usually get a negative and/or ignorant response, and that frustrates me to no end, and it has caused to blow up sometimes. I know people, current friends and acquaintances, who haven't grown much since middle school or early high school. Yes, they've learned a lot scholastically, matured a bit and talk a little smarter now, but at the base of it all, they still do the same things. People who claim to be in love for more than two, three, or four years with people who don't share the same feelings back. People who still react like children to stressful events...although it happens to me sometimes as well. Perfect, although a very extreme, example: Cho Seung-Hui, the VT shooter. Dude was in COLLEGE, and he reacted like how a lot of middle schoolers tend to react. The only difference is that he had access to a variety of things, and he decided to take it to the next level by forcing his frustrations on everyone around him. I'll tell you what, when I was in middle school, I reacted just like he did whenever I got bullied or teased or whatever. I would sit and loathe in self-pity, and say things like "man, fuck them. They better not fuck with me anymore, etc. etc." The only difference was, I was too smart and too fearful to really do anything about it. I knew that if I hurt or killed anybody, I would rot in a jail cell. I sure as shit didn't want to end my life because that's fucking stupid. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and even moreso, I wanted to continue experiencing life.
Don't know. I am fully aware that I'm not all right of mind. I haven't been for months. I think there may be a medical problem, I don't know. People can say things to piss me off, sure, and often I just shrug it off. Who the hell cares, right? Not constantly. Every so often, I have bouts of just rage, and I let things get under my skin, and just go off. Not completely off, that hasn't happened in a VERY long time, but just "wham, bam, who the fuck do you think you are?" On another note, I've had points where I'm perfectly fine, and others where I'm just like "fuck everything."
Example: A little while ago I had a dream of my ex-girlfriend's suicide. When it actually had happened 4 years ago and I learned about it, I was just completely silent. Stoic. No emotion, no nothing. I wake up from this dream, and I just cried. Seriously. That was something I hadn't done in 3 fucking years. Why not then? Why couldn't I have my time to mourn then? It festered for this fucking long.
I'm so damn picky and technical. Too much breakdown of simple information thus making them complex and easily misunderstood. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten into an argument with a friend because of a simple technicality error on my part. I may fuck up a sentence, or word, without realizing it, and end up pissing people off. I realize that as time passes, it's gotten harder and harder to explain myself or to make a point without writing some long, drawn out, unnecesary story.
I remember a few months ago, talking to a friend of mine. She had asked me a question on AIM, and I replied with some long ass post explaining shit. Her reply? "Why do you do that?" Me: "Do what?" "Write all that shit when you could of just said something smaller"
I don't know why I do that. I don't know why I'm so picky about everything. Is it the fact I'm a prospective music major, because it sure as hell shouldn't be. I've just always done it...well, I might know why, because I'm trying to fix that goddamn "technicalities" thing I have.
In the past, I would try to keep my answers as simple as possible, then I began to realize that some people would get confused with my answers. So, I would expand and elaborate on them, and then THAT got confusing. So, I'd expand a little more, and so on. For some reason, I have such low expectations for people to actually understand me.
"Fuck 'em. They don't need to understand."
Then who's gonna be around to understand me?!
I can't control my damn actions a lot of the time. If I actually acted like me, and nothing else, just fucking ME, I'd be a hell of a lot easier to get along with. But no, I have to impulsively react at EVERYTHING, and get all worked up and act like a goofy asshole. And it's exactly those actions that make people look at me like "...dumbass."
I'm not trying to say that I'm the most misunderstood person I know, because that's bullshit. At the same time though, as conceited, cocky, and stuck-up as it may sound, I have yet to find anyone who has ever truly grasped the way I process information or look at things. Oh sure, there are those few who may climb up higher on the intellectual totem pole. I'm not trying to say I'm smarter or better than you. I'm trying to figure out whether or not I'm alone in this train of thought. I want to know (even though it's practically impossible to know) if everyone feels the same as me, but they just know how to handle it. If they learned to accept certain aspects of life and beyond that. Or if they're just ignoring it...
It's really damn tough to find the time to balance music, work, and the future, when the main thing that occupies my mind is...my mind.
Okay, many people have asked me about this throughout my life, so I'll just put it here.
I am not religious at all, so I don't put my faith to a Christian-Judeo god. I'm a Pantheist. I believe in everything being connected, and that we may be all a part of a higher being. That the universe is this "god", this higher power. Once the body dies, the ego dies with it, and all that's left is the soul or spirit or some form of higher existence. No emotions like happiness, sadness, love, hate, etc. No heaven, no hell. No redemption. No forgiveness.
That being said, I am not ANTI-religious. I respect everyone's beliefs equally, but I just hate what religion does to people (racism, sexism, homophobia, and other forms of bigotry, ignorance, and stupidity.)
This requires some effort on the other party's part though. You can believe what you want to believe, you're doing your own thing, then great. More power to you. For those who are just completely whacked-out, you can conduct your damn rallies and riot on the streets whenever you want. Not my fuckin' problem if you don't care how others look at and judge you. Here comes the biggie: do not ever, I will repeat, DO NOT EVER try to force your beliefs on me or convert me to your religion.
As aforementioned, I have respect for all sides of the game (in moderation of course), but when someone believes that my life is not fucking "pure enough" or just plain "good enough" because they live a different way that is so supposedly better, that's where I draw the line. Sure, you can talk to me about what your religion stands for and what it's all about, that's a-okay, just as long as it's an intelligent conversation and not "You know, you really seem uptight. Why don't you try my way of living?" Fuck no.
So please, believe what you will, but please just keep your conversions to yourself. With that, there will be peace and harmony...so to speak. America happy happy!