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Sunday, February 19, 2012

The long and the short of it

I always liked this site.

I found my way here back in 2006, and it wasn't long before I had started making what I, without hesitation, would call friends, in the very true sense of the word. It is easy to get misty-eyed and over-embellish things of the past, but I don't believe I am guilty of that when I describe my friends on this site as people I genuinely cared about. Back then I was still in high school, as is true for a lot of other users on this site I am sure, and as for anyone that age life was often confusing and scary; a series of ups and downs with school, love, depression, music and screaming, but I think having the bonds I forged with the people here helped keep me, at least somewhat, grounded during these times. Life as a teenager is always awkward I think, but having other weirdos to hang out with and talk to can help you feel less like the buffoon you probably were at that age, and I think my friends on here helped as much with that as any "real life" friends did. That is, I think so now.

Back then, as I described, things weren't always turning out quite the way I wished they would. Even at that young age depression had started getting a grip on me, and much of it I blamed on loneliness; a state someone with any number of friends can be in. I started to think I spent too much time here and too little time out there, as I always thought of it. So as high school wrapped up I decided to make a change as I went to college after the summer. I vowed I'd spend less time at the computer (and, as a result, less time here as that's where I spent most of my online time) and focus on that which I had lacked earlier in my life; finding a girl, getting good grades and all the other things you always imagine will happen in that elusive time and place that is The Future. The grades thing I won't even bother discussing, but as chance would have it, after months of self-imposed weening off from the internet, that's just the place where I found what I had searched for.

I was living a new life at this point: I had moved to the other side of the country, far away from family and old friends, and lived on my own for the first time. So much changed in so little time, something that kept up for all of my eight months stay in Karlskrona, where I resided at the time. I won't go into details as I think those involved have a clear picture of what happened here at the time, how what I had just months earlier seen as the biggest threat to my "real life" now becoming bigger than I ever imagined.

Now a lotus eater I spent all my time drifting in the online world, treating it as the antidote to the venom of my depression. In that time where I should look inwards to find the problem I jumped outwards for a solution, and of course it could never be anything but temporary. Unfortunately, this was something I refused to acknowledge.

The ending that I was racing towards was inevitable, but the more I leaned into the fantasy the more I needed it to be true. It became everything to me, a dream I'd dream every waking second, petrified of ever losing. Obsession turned it into nightmare and so I plunged.

This is where the story ended for most of you; without any word of notice I again left all that I had built up behind, this time with far more success. I moved out of Karlskrona, a place that I now regarded as a prison more than anything, and started over in my home town.

At this moment I'd like to make obvious that it was not the fallout that tore me down so completely, it was the entire world I had constructed that fell with the relationship that crushed me. Looking back it could never work but I was blind then, unmercifully so. As I said earlier depression and other dark thoughts had swarmed over me by then and what I built here was my only shield against it, and this was my folly.

You can't fix something like that; scars don't heal. What you can do is rebuild. For three years I bled and crawled and cried but by God I made it and finally, even covered in scars as I am, I can now look back and see what is part of my past and will no longer drag down my future. I am alive and that is something that it's been far too long since I last felt. The knife's edge, the powders release and the delirium of the sweet bottle have all since replaced projected online worlds as temporary cures for my ills but that can no longer be the answer. I have worked so hard and it's been so scary but now, finally, I am alive. And I am here.

12:29 pm - 0 comments - 0 Kudos