Nolan Whyte

So the first messages have arrived in the mail bag asking me to dispense my hard-earned wisdom to the rock and roll masses. The first to arrive relates to lyrics.

Our young rocker sent along a sample of his work, and although I won’t present the entire song, I’ll just say that it involves being sad about a breakup and repeating threats to end it all. Our rocker wants to know what I think about this.

First of all, let me state that I don't actually write lyrics very often, and when I do they are terrible. I haven't performed a song that I wrote myself in about ten years, and the world seems pretty okay with it. If you want proof of my general uselessness at writing the wordz, check out this steamer: http://www.ultimateguitar.com/tabs/m/misc_unsigned _bands/the_clutch_dogs_-_better_off_not_knowing_cr d.htm .

However, knowing nothing about a topic never stopped me from discussing it. You may have read my column “Lyric Writing For Crap Lyric Writers,” which is THE NUMBER ONE RATED U-G COLUMN OF ALL TIME, and although it was written for humor and not actual usefulness, I suggest you take a look if you haven't already. It is here: http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/columns/general_mus ic/lyric_writing_for_crap_lyric_writers.html .

Now, about the lyrics that were sent. No offence to the writer (and remember, he asked) but I think they are pretty over-played. They go beyond emo (I'm sad you dumped me) to extreme goth (I'm going to kill myself and I'm really really going to do it).

Here's the trick of it: suicide is really, really heavy subject matter. That doesn't make it untouchable, and obviously there are tons of songs written about suicide. But to say you're going to commit suicide because she dumped you... well, it seems trite. Or like satire. Or like a petulant cry for her to come back, and that you're not really going to do it. Without quoting, the words seem so uber-heavy that I thought they might work as an emo parody. You know, like Simple Plan. (Is he kidding? What does that mean? Heeaaaart-breaker...).

I don't know. I'm not going to tell anyone that they’re doing it wrong, because there is no wrong. But I could offer this: don't go overboard. Find a detail to talk about. Think about these "sad that you're gone" lyrics:

From Love and Rockets "When the Minutes Drag":

I touch the clothes you left behind that still retain your shape

and I'm still haunted...

From The Misfits "Saturday Night"

the back seat of the drive-in

is so lonely without you...

If your theme is loneliness, attaching that loneliness to something besides suicide will let people identify with you. Because seriously, nobody thinks you're really going to do it, and if you really are planning to do it you should be talking to someone else besides an artard on a guitar website for help.

I guess one thing you have to keep in mind is that no one ever actually killed themselves because they got dumped. Maybe getting dumped could be the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, but generally you have to have way deeper problems to actually kill yourself. Sure, when you get dumped you feel like you want to die, and you might even say you'll do it, but people don't really commit suicide just from getting dumped. If they did, there would be no people left and apes would rule the earth. So when you say you're going to kill yourself because you get dumped, people will think, "Okay, drama-kid. Whatever."

But there is potential humor in a super-drama song as well. Our rocker writes over and over again that "I'm going to do it, you can't stop me, so don't say you're sorry," and then in the last verse he changes it to "If you say you're sorry maybe you can stop me." We finally get what this song is really about: begging. A complete reversal like this could work, if you play it right.

Anyway, the bottom line is to keep writing more stuff, and remember it doesn't all have to be serious. Think about this: how many of your favorite songs are really really sad and serious?

We’ll have more questions answered soon. Also, part nine of Guitargasm is on the way. You should see that probably next week, after the site starts its regular updates again after the holidays wrap up. If you want me to answer you questions, private message me and say “mail bag.”

Cheers,

Nolan

All right everyone, Guitargasm 9 is completed and has been submitted, so you’ll probably see it here on U-G within a week or so. However, if it takes our Russian friends longer than that to upload it, don’t get all bent out of shape and start cursing those handsome bastards. U-G haters will not be tolerated.

On to the mail bag. I have two questions to answer today: a young guitarist asks about using advertisements to look for other musicians, and some funny-pants asks how many groupies I get each year.

It can be pretty lonely to be a musician without a band, and it can be downright depressing to look unsuccessfully for band-mates. Looking for band-mates, to me, is like looking for a date, or looking for a regular friend. You have to put yourself out there, not be afraid to ask questions, and risk a little embarrassment. Shyness kills. A shitty musician can find a band. A shy musician can’t.

Useful questions to ask: “Hey, do you guys know anyone that plays guitar?” “Hey, I hear you play guitar. Do you like The Clutch Dogs? Me too! Want to jam sometime?”

But if it’s true that not a single kid plays music in your circle of friends, or even in your school (hard to believe, but I guess it’s possible), then you may have to resort to that evil device of random weirdness and disillusion, the advertisement.

It’s my opinion that individual musicians are better off answering ads than  placing them, because it’s a tough thing for one musician to place an ad and attract a whole band around them. It may be easier to look at other people’s ads when they are saying “Guitar Player needed” than it is to place an ad that says “Guitar Player seeks another guitar player, bass player and drummer.” But that’s my opinion.

If you do need to place an ad, the most logical place seems to be online message boards (Craigslist is a good one, although it isn’t in every country). U-G is a possibility, but there are many online alternatives that are free to use and cater to musicians. And of course, there is the tried and true standby, putting up paper fliers in the local record shops and music stores. Most proper music stores will have a corkboard where you can put up an ad to look for other musicians.

So what do you say in the ad? I recommend the less-is-more approach. State who you are and what you want (Guitar player seeks drummer, Guitar player seeks other musicians, Guitar player wanted for rock band/jam sessions, Guitar player needed for light bondage/BDSM, etc). Don’t give a lot of unnecessary information, although stating your age is probably a good idea.

Should you say what kind of music you like? Yes, but I would avoid the bullshit word “influences.” If you are going to mention bands, only mention bands that you would want your band to sound like. Keep the list short, and try not to include bands that are wild contradictions to the other bands on the list. For example, “Meshuggah, Deicide, Cannibal Corpse and early Beatles.”

It would be a good idea to be able to play at least one song by each band that you mention. If you list The Beatles but can’t play one of their songs you might look like a poseur. Beyond that, there is no magic list of songs you should learn before meeting a total stranger for a jam session, because everybody learns different songs when they are starting out. If you do make an appointment to meet someone for a jam, maybe agree on a few tunes before actually meeting so you have something to play when you get together.

Anyway, the guitar is the most popular instrument in the world, and I bet that no matter where you are there are other players around who are also looking for someone to jam with. And if you are absolutely incapable of finding anyone, just tell yourself that you are “going solo.” That’s all. You are a “solo artist.” That’s what I’ve been telling myself ever since The Famists broke up.

And as for Mister Hilarious who wants to know how many groupies I get each year, just remember that the root of the word “groupie” is “group.” And I am not part of a group. As mentioned, I am a “solo artist.” Therefore, I do not get groupies. I get “soloies.” And since you didn’t ask how many soloies I get each year, I am not going to tell you. And if anyone asks, I’ll refer the question to my wife. I’m sure she would be happy to discuss it with you.

Cheers people,

Nolan.

And we’re back with another installment of sarcasm and fakey-wisdom spouted from the volcano of ignorance. The mail bag if full of riches this week, and once again we have two questions in need of answering. The first is about becoming a rock writer, the second about great albums.

As difficult as it may be to believe, somewhere out there is a high school senior who is unsure of what he should do with himself, you know, for the rest of his life. I know, I couldn’t believe it either. But he says he likes writing, and he wants to know more about becoming a writer as a profession.

Well, first let me share the old joke that becoming a professional writer is a good way to starve slowly. It’s probably best to think of it as a hobby until you actually start earning some money at it, because if you’re not willing to do it for free for a long time, you’ll probably never make a dime at it.

Why? Because like playing a musician, there’s no such thing as a natural. There was never a baby born that could play the blues. You have to do it for a long time before your material is worth sharing with others and a hell of long time before it’s worth paying for.

So how can you get a start? One hundred percent, go to college or university. You will build skills, hear different points of view and be forced to read things you would never otherwise be exposed to. And it will teach you to finish what you start. These things will build you. Write for the college paper. Look for places to send your work. Write all the time. Even if no one wants to read it.

And keep in mind that this advice comes from someone who works a day job and knocks himself out in all his free time to make a buck as a writer, and what I earned last year wouldn’t pay my rent this month. So, you know. Grain of salt.

Our second young rocker is looking to get turned on to some new sounds. He asks for some albums to check out beyond the tried and true fair of The Rolling Stones, David Bowie, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, Jimi Hendrix, AC/DC, The Who, Guns 'n' Roses and Aerosmith. Are there any other bands? Well, there are few.

For good older stuff, dig The Stooges. Of their three original records, The Stooges, Fun House and Raw Power, most of the best known songs are on the first and third, but the best overall album is the middle one, Fun House. The album has tremendous energy and there is a couple of great tracks, especially ‘Down On The Street’ and ‘T.V. Eye,’ although the closer, a noise jam called ‘L.A. Blues’ is little more than filler.

Then there is The Stooges New York contemporaries, The Velvet Underground. There is no perfect VU album, and while the hits packages have all the best songs, I’ve found the sound quality to be iffy. The best bet is 1969: Velvet Underground Live Volumes 1 & 2. This is a quality live band, and I’m a sucker for good live albums.

Another route to go is to get a good Lou Reed greatest hits package, such as NYC Man, which has the best VU material, as well as his best solo stuff, including ‘Street Hassle,’ which is definitely worth hearing.

It’s rare, but if you can find a copy of Lou Reed’s double live album Take No Prisoners, you’ve found yourself a real treat. It’s a pretty amazing experience, and you feel like you’re sitting in a small club while he plays. I found my copy in Korea, and I gave it to some chick and never got it back. Bummer.

Speaking of live albums, The Ramones Loco Live is probably the best value I ever got for the price of a CD. I used to listen to that while I walked the dog, and it was the first album I learned to play start to finish on the bass. Sadly it was recorded just after Dee Dee Ramone left the band, but it’s still their best live album. If you want their best studio album, it’s definitely Rocket to Russia.

If you want some more current stuff (like, within the last twenty years) hit Pearl Jam. Ten and Vs. are the early monsters, but if you want to go for a twofer, just get rearviewmirror, their hits package.

It you want to slide in a harder direction, Ministry’s Psalm 69 is the under-acknowledged super-record of the ‘90s. This one changed the game, redefining how heavy a mainstream band could play. Nobody knew how to define this one. Too metal for alternative, too industrial for metal, too popular for industrial. This album is fucking incredible, and I make a pledge here in this blog: I am going to write a book about this album. No joke. (No wonder I don’t make any money as a writer).

If you want to explore a dark extreme, find No Sleep Till Bedtime, a live outing by Canadian industrial-metalists Strapping Young Lad. I started smiling when I first put this one on and didn’t stop until I passed out.

But it’s all subjective, right? You might hate all of this shit, so buyers beware. But hey, arguing about albums is the best part about being a music fan. Well, except for the music, I guess.

Till next we meet in a dark alley to piss on the wall,

Nolan.