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Clive Owen hates everything.
That’s the only lesson to be
learned from ‘Shoot ‘Em Up’, a movie that wears its 18A rating like a
medal of honour. I dare anyone to show me a movie that crams more
bullets and bodies into 90 minutes then ‘Shoot ‘Em Up’.
Is there
a plot? Well if by “plot” you mean an excuse to spend an hour and a
half detailing the many ways in which a carrot can deal death, than
‘Shoot ‘Em Up’ has a plot more Oscar worthy than the last decade of
Best Picture winners combined. By conventional standards, the plot is
so pompous and stupid, it makes the firefights seem like opera. There’s
something about a guy called Mr. Smith (Clive Owen) fighting to save a
marked baby, and a prostitute (Monica Bellucci) he dragged into the
action for no good reason. Hertz (Paul Giamatti) wants them all dead
because his boss, a presidential hopeful, wants to rid America of guns…
or something. I’m really not sure. I’m still awestruck after seeing a
guy have his eye replaced with a carrot. The story unfolds so clumsily
that it’s a relief when a tyro assassin breaks the dialogue by thinking
he can mess with Clive Owen.
What Clive Owen looks like when he realizes he hates you.
‘Shoot
‘Em Up’ is an action fans wet dream, which basically means if you hate
guns and violence, you’ll hate this movie (conversely, those are two of
my favourite things).
The script is probably about five pages
long, and basically consists of one-liners. The story unfolds only
through bits of dialogue when the characters realize they need to
reload their weapons, which really only acts as a vehicle for moving
the action from one area to another.
You’d think a movie as
action packed as ‘Shoot ‘Em Up’ would rely heavily on incoherent quick
cuts and editing, but the camera work is so unflinching and at times
even brutal (not quite sadistic mind you) that the full brunt of the
imagery hits you harder than a filing cabinet to the temple. Quite the
example is cutting the (umbilical) cord with a bullet, and it doesn't
stop there.
Needless to say, nothing about this movie makes
sense. The laws of the universe that control everyone else in the world
seemed to have only watched the first five minutes of this movie before
collectively saying “@!#$ it”, and reaching for the popcorn. Thanks to
‘Shoot ‘Em Up’, I feel stupid for even doubting the possibility of
Inspectors in 1992 Hong Kong carrying two pistols ungoverned by the
need to reload.
Can a man take out a sky full of paratroopers,
or rig a gun warehouse with enough traps to make Jigsaw proud in about
10 minutes? Can a man jump off a bridge into a car and then drive away,
or nonchalantly walk out of a building where he just had all of his
fingers broken and stabbed in the forehead with a scalpel? Can a man
pick off a SWAT team in a sleazy hotel room while mid coitus with a hooker? If you have to ask yourself any of these questions, you’re in the wrong theatre.
How many guns does it take to fill that hole where logic should be? Watch 'Shoot 'Em Up' and find out.
Bottom Line:
Never mind the grossly under tasked actors, useless story and ludicrous
gun play. For being inappropriate in almost every way imaginable,
‘Shoot ‘Em Up’ is John Woo action for North American audiences.
4/5.
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Shoot 'Em Up (review) blog
