Well as I write this I'm sat at home, alone, and preparing notes for my interview tomorrow for the 24k a year job which I have applied for. Now this thing is split into 4 phases. I've got past the first 2. I'm on phase 3 ...the Phone Interview...Get past this phase and its to the assessment centre...where I have to according to some sources...paint a picture with a group..
I am slightly nervous about it but feel that because I have got this far applying late I must have something about me because they will only interview people who r the same or better standard than those already interviewed...So i hope anyway.
Interview aside I'm pretty ok at the moment. I've modifyed my guitar, the band is picking up gigs across the UK now and my degree is almost finished. Me and my Ex are on good terms with a prospect of maybe trying things again once studies are out the way (so praying I get this job in a good place so she'll come with me). Still hopeful that the band might go somewhere and we are going to have one last pop at making something out of it with a small tour over the summer...perhaps a month maybe tops with a break at graduation.
Anyway..gonna get back to writing more answers to question I could get asked 2morrow....and gonna go to bed...alone.....damm....why do u sometimes look forward to a bit of selfish im gonna chill out time...and then want them to come back once theyve gone...it sucks...
Do something about it! Quite a common saying I find. If you really want something you'd be prepared to work for it yes? I think its given that not everything comes to you on a plate. But what if you want something soo bad but your not prepared to fight for it, to work for it? Does that mean that you really don't want it? See the problem I've got is that I dont necessary believe everything is obtainable no matter how hard you work. My weight has been a problem not just for me but for other people as well..(most notably my ex girlfriend) I struggle to maintain weight and i very much struggle to put weight on. I could eat shit...for weeks and still b 8 and a half stone.. For a 22 year old guy whos is 5 foot 8...thats not good. I am tryin to do something about it...but i guess i cant be bothered to...I always put the gym off...and prefer to sit doing nothin..just thinking..or sleeping...I'm always tired..ive got no proper disires no proper goals..and no plans to get there.
I feel depressed alot of the time...i hide alot of my emotions..everyone thinks im ok...everyone thinks i am happy..but im not..i really am not..I'm worried ive got such an uncertain future...Half the grad jobs r already gone..and I am nothin special in comparison to other graduates. I am going to have to fight for employment as I have a 7k loan to pay off which I have used to fund my masters degree. Yeh a masters sounds great don't it...altho it isnt going to give me the advantages I'd like it to. So until I have something sorted out I am always going to be worried.
I guess hiding how I feel isn't a good thing...I struggle to say what I'm thinking to people when they ask..i cant put it in words. Confidence is at an all time low I feel I cannot achieve anything I warrent as important...Creatively I can't write toffee...this has gone on for months now..i just have no disire ...no passion anymore...i just sit and mop in my crapness..
I dont mean to complain so people can read this and go...its ok ull pick it up it will get better, I know that already I'm just getting my thoughts out in print so there out of my head...I might buy a diary lol instead of on here but I spose if people should reald this they can give some input and different alternatives to situations.
Exactly what the title says..what is the point anymore. Being shit and somethings is one thing..when your told everyday your shit at everything by someone you admire and love so much at some point you have to ask yourself..whats the point?
yeh alrite comparing yourself to other people is bad when you always see yourself as worse...not as good...but what really pissess me off is the lack of motivation I feel. I cannot be fucked to do anything..play guitar...revise...even sit and do nothing...I feel completely empty. Only thing that brings me joy at the moment is my team Derby County beating Man United...thats the only thing to put a proper, meaningful smile on my face.
The girl I love and care about so dearly uses me for comfort...for fun..for errands..for basically everything..and what do I get in return..Put downs...feeling this is all for nothing...The shitness I'll feel when she "replaces" me eventually..cus as she says...im crap at everything. If so why does she still use me? I've been called alot of things...a mug..weak..defenseless..unable just to say FUCK YOU and move on. My problem: I'm too nice. I haven't the heart to be proper mean to someone, to scream at them or to say anything that I know will deeply hurt them. Other people whoever have absolutly no problem doing those things to me which I find disturbing. Dont mean to get all biblical here but doesnt the bible basically say dont do to others what you wouldnt want done to yourself. I wish people would take that line of thought and put it into practice.
I think the biggest regret I have right now is that I didn't move out and ive let myself become too close to her again to the point where if she does find someone new..it will break me again...Being out of this house would of been a completely fresh start. I know I couldnt of avoided her and I would of seen her around..but I could of tried..One pubs already off my drinking list..(its friggin expensive anyway soo good riddence) just so I dnt have to see her.
I can't even go out with my own friends without the possiblity of her being there...Can't even go to lectures without her being brought up....can't even go home with her being mentioned...Its like there is no where to hide...no where to stay out the way and just let things move on...cus tbh thats what I would want at the moment. Just to hide away where noone can find me..out of contact of everybody.
Thankfully there is a small silver lining...Going home this weekend to watch derby county...so I have 90 minutes of pure freedom from thoughts of her...which i shall cheerish. This break cannot come quick enough.
Well its 2:43am as i write this...im slightly fucked but that is besides the point..the point is....i dont feel the buzz that is the new year...i mean whoop de do...its 2009...another year older...another year of mystery. Sometimes i wish i could go back in time. I miss being 10, having a christmas of randomness, a christmas full of being a kid..not having any responsilbities, being able to play and have fun constantly. those times are long gone..im 22 years oild..bout to hit the real world with a bang...proper wages...paying off debt...proper job...proper living..thats what 2009 has instore for me...no more do lalling aound at uni, this is my last year of freedom...all my hard work...all the effort i have made for the last...i dunno...17 years at schoo...at college...at uni, all comes together now..this is where i find out how i contribute to society...how i fit in...the life i am going to lead. 2009 is going to be an important year for me since it is going to decide my whole life so its not a year to take lightly...anyway...sleep times r waiting...
happy new year people...hope you all have a gudden
Well being christmas and all...it seems like a good time to write a new blog...a reflection of 2008. Decided to read the blog i posted a year ago and so much has changed, so same as last year i'm going to review it :P
Uni finished up sort of ok. Didnt get the degree I wanted but never mind...still a degree rite. Band did not take off at all...altho played my first gigs of 2008 in sep and november and enjoyed the hell out of em...Won battle of the band in aber as well just to top it off..Can't wait for the new year...proper recording times...and lots more gigs
As I wrote before i split up with my long term girlfriend..in pretty shittty circumstances. I ended up gettin myself into a contract with her which meant I had no choice but to stay in aber(could of got out of it but decided the masters degree was worth it) Its ....messy....very messy...good times..and bad times...but I'm tryin to do what she wants and move on.although sometimes i question that is what she really wants..but w/e...Im happyish in that house..got everything how i want it.
I've made lots of new friends this year..its weird like i know I have alot..but iuno it seems weird..I been living it quite a bit...some extravogant purchases... got a new guitar...new amp..a rack...new soundcard...new computer...lol been a bit easy with my money..
Got meself a job as well working as a......shelf stacker in....somefield...nuff said
So....2008....been.an...eventful year...as such....2009 is where its gonna be
HO HO HO MERRY CHRISTMAS!!...thats what the asda guy said before he got his ass sued!!..Seriously rite WTF!!! is goin on with people in this glorious nation (I'm on bout the UK now rite...) People can sue you just for spreading christmas cheer...seriously rite...the UK celebrates christmas...its a national holiday..if these people dnt like it they can gtfo or stop complaining..why should we have to accustem ourselves to a minority...surely the point of a democracy is to go with the majority.
Anyway thats my rant about that...on to me now :O
Well I'm constantly arguing with my ex over everything and anything..(cus we live together) and its gotten abit much so i've decided to go home for christmas rather than stay here to get yelled at and commented on...Apprently my choice of girls is always wrong....there all sluts...so she informs me. Dad is coming tomorrow...gonna take guitars home and have a lovely christmas there
Work is going pretty good.....not in now till sat..and tbh i hope time stahds still till then :P
Well its about time for another update...seems like I do these sodding things twice a year...should probably make this a more regular thing. Well since the last time I wrote one of these alot has happened. I'm still a single man doing single man things living a single mans life and I enjoy it...freedom is bliss and something I have missed. Although a relationship has its advantages..
I'm still at university doing a course to just pass the time i suppose...Management....wooopies...Passed my degree...was good...got a 2.2]
In a new band called Alis Grave Nil...won battle of the bands 2008 and we r recording our EP in the new year so all is good there...Brought a new guitar epiphone les paul custom and a few other bits...but thats bout it really..
Looking forward to a fresh new year...gotta make the most out of my last 9 months at University....in everyway lol
Hey people...well alot has happened since my last blog...has been like 11 months like..I broke up with my long term gf in June...kinda sucks really..I still live with her as well..finding it a bit weird and dishearting sometimes when we get close to know inside it isnt real...On a brighter note I now have a degree in international Politics and History and have got on to doing a masters degree in Business management.
I'm in a new band now called Alis grave Nil...which is latin for nothing is too heavy for those who have wings...we have our first gig on friday and im pretty buzzing about it . Work is ok atm...Glad i dont have the 2 jobs i had in the summer that was torture 55 hours a week isnt good...
well i dnt really have much else to say..im sort of putting off writing notes so I should get back to it..
Well another year has gone before my eyes and I gotta say its been a good one. Got my self an amazing girlfriend who I've been with for the last 9 months. I created my first proper band and I finally played live at what a place to play. Didn't expect to my play the first gig of my life in the student union..That was meant to come later. My degree is going ok the band is still going strong. We have just been asked to play a gig at the Pier (meat loaf has played there before ) and we are being promoted by carlsberg. We are writing new material for our first EP with new singer Alywn. Only bad thing is the amount of work I've got on. 2 3,000 word essays..an 2 hour History exam and a 12,000 disseration to research for. As well as needing a Job for the summer and having to search for a house for next year for me and my girlfriend I'd say I've got alot on. Plus I wanna start going to the gym. No rest for the wicked ey. And then on top of this I got the band...Its insane..2008 is defo going to be a busy year :O
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Maddy!'s blogs, last updated : April 14, 2009
55 hours a week isnt good..