I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm not usually the kind of individual who finds the idea of writing blogs appealing. Although I quite like reading the blogs of others, my own perspective is that it would appear I am speaking to the void and simply expecting to have an audience - which I see as mildly narcissistic. But for one or the other reason, I feel compelled to write. I loved writing, it's been my oldest form of catharsis that I can remember, although one of my least frequently used. It's my way of talking to myself, because really, the primary audience is always me.
Usually, I use writing when I'm in turmoil; seeing the words calms the storm and quietens me. But today, I am already peaceful. I wish to lay my thoughts out simply because I enjoy them and they make me happy.
It occurs to me that I am a talented individual, but it's not enough for me. I have been gifted with many talents, although I do not boast of them. I did not do anything to earn them, therefore, they do not contribute greatly to my own sense of self-worth. They are potentials, nothing more, nothing less. They are there, and they will always be there, but if they are not used, they are no more impressive than if they weren't there at all. All require work to develop.
I want to be good at certain things.
I want to have not just the talent, but the excellence in the areas that I choose. I want to be exemplary in those areas. And I want them to be for more than just me, I need to dedicate myself to a cause. I want them to be useful in some way, big or small. Whether that means being part of a team that designs an airframe that will be used by millions, or whether it's giving someone enjoyment with my music or my art, or making someone laugh at one of my jokes is actually kind of irrelevant to me. But I want to contribute to someone else's life. I don't do it to seek praise, I don't do it so they'll miss me when I'm not around. I just want to make the people I choose happy.
In particular, I want to choose one person. I want to make this person so incredibly happy, so loved that when they walk around during the day, it feels like there's a constant fuzzy comforting blanket of emotion cloaking them and securing them from all the bullshit the world throws. I want them to feel secure about the one thing in life, the knowledge that whatever life throws at them, they will always have me. I wish to dedicate my life in service to them. It honours me, and it make my life feel worthy beyond just my normal happiness. Because whether it's a good thing or bad thing (and it's not so simple when you think about it!) I cannot live my life selfishly. I am incapable of it. I am introverted and reclusive and withdrawn by nature, and very few people get really, really close to me. But as isolated as I choose to keep myself, I cannot change the fact that I need people. I need to love and cherish, I can't work without it and I feel empty. I did feel empty and lost. Almost like a tool that had no use.
So this one person, the only religion that I'll ever seek...I really want to make them feel so ridiculously important, so respected and honoured and loved that they feel almost god(dess)like. When I am on my deathbed, I want to be able to die in the knowledge that they know I loved them. I'm not saying it will be always so natural that everything appears to simply fall into place - I am not mindlessly and naively optimistic. Sometimes, it will feel as easy as breathing, other times it will be more difficult...but then everything worth doing in life is. Nothing simply is always grand. And I hope to make them happy, but even if I don't, I want them to know that here, now: I tried. I gave myself to them totally and utterly and did everything in my power to be their rock and their constant companion. I will shape them and develop them and make them feel so fucking happy. I want them to wake up feeling that they can face anything.
I've found that person. I didn't expect to, it wasn't likely and I never even dared to allow myself to dream so freely of finding that person, but I did. I was looking, looking for all my life for a soul who was worthy of that kind of devotion. Someone to be my cause, my purpose. And against all the probabilities, and odds, I found them.
It's been a good few days since I heard those magic words that she said to me, the ones that still hang in my mind as litanies.
She told me that I made her feel loved, that she'd never felt before that someone loved her like that. It was the most incredible of feelings to hear that. It gave me such peace, such a glow that I've been carrying around and feeding off ever since. I now, more than ever am glad that I'm good at the one thing I really wanted to be good at. I'm glad, above all else that I have this talent.
And I'm looking forward to the rest of my life, because my work is just beginning, and my God, what beautiful work it's going to be. This is my profession, my art, call it what you will. This is what I was born to do, and this will be my magnum opus, I know it.
People will doubt me, people will question me and caution me. But whatever they say, whatever misgivings they might have, I remain, now and forever:
"I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living
my baby you'll be."