There was a family of skunks living in a little burrow, there was Mummy skunk and her two sons, In and Out, In and Out were there genuine real names and this is an absolutely true story.
So, one day, Mummy said to Out; “Out, tell In I'm going out, ill be back later, do not go out and make sure In stays in.”
So Mummy went Out and Out stayed in, then In approached Out and said he wasn’t staying in, he was going out.
Out said to In; “In you can’t go out, you have to stay in.” but In said to Out; “No Out, I'm going out, I'm not staying in.”
And that was that, In went out and Out stayed in.
Later that day Mummy came home, Out was in but In was out.
“Hang about.” Said Mummy to out; “In is not in, has In gone out”
Out said to mummy; “Yes In has gone out, I told him to stay in but still, In went out”
Mummy said to Out; “I'm glad you stayed in Out, but I must go out to get In, so make sure you stay in and do not go out.”
So Out stayed in and Mummy went out to look for In. so Out stayed in and waited for In to come back with Mummy. After a little while Mummy returned, without In.
“Where is In?” said Out to Mummy
“In is still out.” Said Mummy to Out.
In was still out and Out and Mummy were in, then Out said to Mummy;
“Mummy I will find In, I will go out and find In and bring him back in.”
So Mummy said to Out; “Okay Out, you can go out and find In, but when you find In, if you find In, make sure you bring him back in, and not stay out.”
So Mummy stayed in and Out went out, looking for In who was also still out.
Minutes went by and Mummy was worried about In and Out, had they been eaten or beaten about, what if In came in whilst Out was still out, or if neither came in and they both stayed out. What if Out came in and In was still out, or if Mummy went out and both In and Out came back in.
Such worries for skunk mother.
But then all of a sudden, with a bash and a rustle Out came back in, and In came in with Out, now In and Out were both in and neither was out, apart from Out who was only Out by name.
In said to Mummy; “I'm sorry I went out, I didn’t want to stay in with Out, but I'm back in now, and I wont go out”
“Its okay In” said Mummy to In; “Just make sure you stay in, and do not go out”
In looked at Out with a frown and a snort, In liked being out but not in here with Out.
But Out looked at In with a smirk and a grin, Out liked to go out just to bring In back in.
Then Mummy said to Out; “But I went out whilst you stayed in and try as I might I could not find In, Tell me Out how did you find In when you went out and I stayed in.”
Out looked at Mummy with a wry grin and a snigger, then knowingly tapped his nose with a wink, and said quite simply;
These last few weeks have been quite average, I wake up at half past seven, get out of bed quarter of an hour later after the alarm clock winds me up for the last time, I stagger down stairs and into the kitchen where i consume my daily intake of weetabix with lots of milk in a massively over sized bowl, then come five to eight I am out the door and begin the almost pleasurable walk to work.
It is interesting how there is something every single morning I walk to work. one of the things i have noticed recently is the vast ammounts of snails there are panicking to get to shelter before my massive marching boots crush them. Another thing i have noticed, you know when it rains, all the worms come to the surface and have a little trek across the pavement or whatever, then the rain dries up and the worm shrivels up into this red twisted mess then becomes a hot dog for the nearest hungry pigeon looking for an easy meal.
well...
one day the other week my journey was interrupted by a rather casual little fella taking a quick look at whats on the other side of the pavement. the sad fact was that that particular pavement ran along side an insanely busy main road. one of those roads where cars, trucks, busses, motorbikes and all colours and shades of vans tear past at 62 miles an hour every 0.74 seconds only to screech to a halt a quarter of a mile down the road by a set of traffic lights with a sense of humour. anyway, the point is, this was a busy road, and this particular character, the worm, who could not see, the things that i could see, was making full steam towards the highway of death.
Immediately i stopped in my tracks, seeing what was going to happen, with the hopes that my intervention would save this poor worms life. I mean this fella (and he was a guy... no really) he didnt have a clue what he was getting himself into, how i saw it, this guy kept up he was going to die, plain and simple. So... I stopped and stooped down to try talk sense into the... worm.
"Hey kid, what are you doing?" I said to the poor creature.
"Nothing, im just exploring a bit of the surface world, as its been raining, you know a bit of adventure and all that. Im looking to aquire ultimate enlightenment and return to my kind as a wiser and more respected being. They will then love me and ill increase my odds of finding a decent mate and making lotsa kiddies. even though of course science says we worms dont reproduce in such a way, but what does science know heh."
To be honest, i was rather taken aback at this point, for a start i never knew worms could talk, nor did i know that they knew so much about science sociology and psycology, of course, that may be an over optomistic deduction to make from just a few sentences, but this was a worm, it was quite shocking. naturally I said "Oh.... right."
I let the worm continue on his journey for a few more seconds whilst i was compiling my case. "You know matey..." I said "Just a few feet in front of you, you should see, there is a very busy road with very large motor vehicles speeding up and down, if you carry on in the particular direction you are travelling, you will most certainly be crushed and splattered. Just figured id do the charitable thing and let you know."
The worm paused for a second "Well son, as it happens i cant actually see a thing, because i dont have any eyes, saying that i dont even know what eyes are and cant really comprehend what seeing is, that and quite frankly it sounds boring. Also i dont know what a large motor vehicle is, in fact as i cant see it, i dont really beleive you, i think that you are trying to trick me and cheat me out of my well deserved enlightenment, using the threat of being crushed. I know your game, but you wont fool me squire."
I was astonished, here was me, 6 foot tall crouched down on the pavement by the side of a busy road taking a verbal beating from an earthworm. I wasnt sure what to think, not only does the worm not understand what he is doing, he refuses to be helped. Still i wasnt going to give up i quickly devised a new argument that would surely save worm.
"But... cant you hear the large motor vehicles, cant you feel the vibrations in the ground, the blast of air as they woosh past at tremendous speeds, i mean why would i lie to you friend, i honestly think if you carry on the way you are going, you will...... die."
"No, no, no, my tall friend, what you can feel and hear is the sound of enlightenment and riches beyond your wildest imagination, you can only sense them now because i am so close to reching them, youll be amazed, i would suggest that you join me on my quest but i'm not fantastically keen on sharing my well deserved prize. no offense of course. that and i dont have any ears either so how do you think i can hear anything."
"I'm sorry..." i quickly added "...but i walk this route four times every day and the large motor vehicles are always there, and i see many of your kind take the trip across this particular pavement and end up either splattered or parched. I urge you to rethink your position and turn head a different direction, for your own sake."
The worm looked at me, or at least think it did, with that 'you are a fool to try and change me' look then continued on. my heart sank, i was lost for words, "...But...." I said.
"Dont worry about me Sir, I am afraid i must say good day, i have a quest to accomplish, thank you for your concern but it isnt necessary." The worm said as it creeped closer to the edge of the road. I sighed and nodded, then continued on my journey. I think the worm may have muttered somethign behind my back as i left, but whos to tell.
Sure enough later that day i saw the worm, or at least bits of it, extremely flat bits of it, splattered all over the road, my heart went out to him, I my best but you cant tell some people.
The strangest thing about the entire predicament wasnt that i stooped down and spoke to a worm, it wasnt that the worm even spoke back, and to quite an intelligent standard, in fact, it wasnt even the fact that the worm had failed to take my superior and knowing advice to follow a fantasy of enlightenment to 'score with the birds' as it were.
No, the strangest thing out of all this, is that somehow more than half of the human beings i know would rather chase some elusive fantasy they have created in there own mind than reallise that what they are chasing is death. So next time you're all feeling down, remind yourself that you a like a worm; blind, foolish and stubborn... or if you arent like a worm, remind yourself that you are not.
hugs and squeals!
Charles
hmmmmmm.... this blogging lark... tis a bit much for the brain to entirely take in, however, it is always good to try new things, if this happens to be the last blog entry i ever write, what do you know, too new for me.
so let me tell you a story, once upon a time not fantatically long ago a little boy was walking home from school. All of a sudden as if from no where a bigger boy came out of no where and start to aggressively approach the little boy.
"Give me all your money little boy" the big boy said to the little boy
"Ummm... No! I dont have any!" the little boy replied as his poor little knees trembles and knocked together
"I dont beleive you, I think you are lying, you liar, you lied to me!" the big boy shouted, "Now give me all your money, or ill beat you up!"
"Please dont beat me up!" the little boy squarked, "I really dont have any money, I spent all my money in the shop on some premier league football stickers."
By now, the big boy was starting to get a little bit frustrated, his well thought out plan of how to obtain a little bit more money seemed not to be going entirely as expected. His brain was now on overdrive making drastic calculations as what the best course of action should be.
"Well..." said the big boy, "Give me your football stickers... then i will let you go."
The little boy paused, his attempt to escape the situation through the use of a little mind trick, in order to 'out-smart' the big boy had backfired. Sweat dripped down his forehead, he froze, time stood still.
Actually time didnt stay still at all, whilst the little boy was frozen the big boy shouted something rather unintelligable at the little boy, the perculiar arrangement of sounds sounded like; "JGIMDADAMSTIHERSNA!!!"
"I dont have any stickers, I lied to you, I'm really sorry, dont hit me!" The little boy confessed before he had time to think.
This it would seem turned out to be rather a bad idea as the big boy, who was already quite frustrated with the situation already, lost his temper and lashed aggressively at the little boy with his clenched fist, knocking the little boy to the ground with a nasty thump. The big boy then, seeing his opportunity, searched the little boys pockets in hopes of finding some money. This however proved to be unsuccessful, the little boys pockets were indeed empty leaving the big boy to wonder what happened to the little boys money in the first place.
The moral of the story is this, if you are a big boy and a little boy says he has no money, it can often be a good idea to beleive him and accept the situation, then calmly walk away. This saves a lot of frustration and may prevent excessive wrinkles in future.
Also if you are a little boy and a big boy is demanding the money you dont have, it is a bad idea to lie to the bigger boy or take the risk of trying to outsmart him. This will prevent any further embarrassment which may arise from the already difficult situation
The final moral is, that if you are a big boy and the little boy doesnt give you any money, it is best that you dont lose your temper with the little boy and beat him into a bloody pulp. This is especially so, when the big boy is 18 and the little boy is 9, and the little boys father is a magistrate, namely because the 18 year old will have to spend the next 8 years, in a prison cell where he will become the prime target for encouragers of sexual violence and will aquire a rather unpleasant smell due to not taking a shower for 8 years.
You have just read one of the best stories ever written, (keep in mind that all the best stories were written by the same author, yours truly).
With Love,
Charles Henry Desmond Booth Esq.
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Just_Chaz's blogs, last updated : January 30, 2009
