So my ability to access the internetz is severly limited atm. I have no internet at home and I have just lost my job. So for the forseeable future I shall have to reside in the real world.
I want to thank all of UG for accepting me into your little community. I have met some truly wonderful people here and shall miss the interaction I have had with you over the years.
I do appreciate the well wishes I have recieved from so many of you over the last week but I don't want anybody to feel any sadness for me atm. I am truly looking forward to some time off. I haven't had a real break in my life for close to 30 years and am truly looking forward to some time off.
I am going to take this opportunity to get back into music the way I approached it when I was 20. 20hrs a day. My wife is going to kill me. : I am also going to spend some time with my parents and both of my boys. Time I've used on other things that probably weren't as important as they are. I shall return. I love this place. I love most of the people I've met on here. If I've flamed you, you probably aren't one of them. So quit being a prick.
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
'OK, old fart, Time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'
The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.
He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast! The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch. When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking And running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit...... Third gay rooster I bought this month.'
Moral of this Story? .... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery Always overcome youth and arrogance! OLD DUDES RULE !!!!!
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . .. You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'
I am sorry if I don't respond in a timely manner to comments. Some of you know I have limited internet access atm. I can only make brief appearances on line while at work and dammit work has a habit of interfering with the time I get to goof off. I appreciate the seasons greetings I received and other shout outs but sometimes it's a few days before I see them. Hopefully my internet access at home will be updated to something faster than the pony express this year. Any suggestions or feedback on wireless or sat connections is appreciated. I tried a Verizon wireless modem in November. It didn't work very well. Signal strength was in the crapper. I am exploring options and hope to be back on line at home this spring. I miss poking fun at you guys. Don.
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of dog chow for my 4 dogs at WalMart and was in the check out line.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. I thought, what did she think I had, an elephant?
So, since I'm an asshole, on impulse I told her no, I didn't have a dog, but that I was starting the 'Purina Diet' again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet. The way it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. Purina is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now listening intently to the story.)
Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! The lady behind him was crying as she laughed.
The WAL-MART manager said she would appreciate it if I didn't shop there anymore!
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. > > I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. > > The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. > > So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. > > When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. > She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' > > And then the fight started..... > > > ************************************************** ********** > > My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. > > My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' > > 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' > > 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' > > And then the fight started..... > > > ************************************************** ********** > > I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly > the other driver got out of his car. > > > You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? > Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! > > > He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' > So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' > > And then the fight started... > > > > ************************************************** ************************** > > > A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' > > The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' > > And then the fight started. > > > > .
Wally's Wedding Night At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it. Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action.' And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally." Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?" The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have their advantages.
Bob works hard at the plant and spends two
nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks
he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How
ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club
before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they
are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a
Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How
did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the
waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine,
honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and
storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to
explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife
is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling
him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'
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Jackal58's blogs, last updated : June 20, 2009
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