This is a blog for the Relationship Thread “Topic of the month”.
I’ve had two relationships so far. I think I’ll break down both of them and analyze them.
First: So, here I was. A chubby and nerdy kid without any semblance of a social life. A serendipitous incident introduced me to this awesome girl who was a year and a half older than I. Come to think of it, she was the first person I really respected (besides my parents). I absolutely revered in her. She was beautiful, smart, funny, extremely outgoing and charming. In short she was a complete anti-thesis of me. She was having a tumultuous time in her then current relationship and I came along to offer her an olive twig.
I made a lot of mistakes. The primary one being that my emotions for her were acquired rather than developed. You see, she completely transformed me. In the span of 2 months we were together as friends I did a complete 180. I became confident, funny, extrovert, charming (to a certain extent :P). In short, something I always wanted to be from my childhood. So I was really grateful to her for that. But I had no feelings. It was only when she professed her feelings for me (generated out of the need for rebound) did I acquire the feelings. Her endearing words and her alleged proximity to me made me think and develop artificial feelings rather than cultivate them. I think my gratefulness towards her really propagated them further.
And I fell for her pretty hard and did outrageous things for her. Glorified proposals, spending money on her like anything (I actually bought her a bass guitar as her birthday gift) ad nauseum. Gradually things soured out. She realized that she had no feelings for me and broke up with me but wanted to be friends. After a month, I begged her to take me back and she did with disastrous consequences. I became hell bound on impressing her, and at one point begged her to like me and tried to (I kid you not) bribe her into doing so. Didn’t work out. A culmination of ex boyfriend at her birthday party, her coldness and the countless insults hurled at me resulted in us breaking up and becoming “best friends”. The thing was I just couldn’t let go. No matter how hard I tried.
This continued for a while before I realized that I’m no more than a puppy dog. A whimsical puppy which follows her around and does whatever she wants. A combination of dropping grades, lapse of concentration and increased frustration over her attitude made me really pissed off at her and gradually ended the façade of friendship I was carrying around. Haven’t spoken to her since and don’t intend to.
Second: LDR with a girl a year and a half younger than me. She was basically a girl who “was in love with being in love”. Her overtly and overly romantic nature really bugged me. Two months into the relationship, I realized that she was just another rebound. Someone I can bitch to about my ex girlfriend. The truth dwelled upon me and again I realized the pseudo nature of my emotions. The necessity of having a companion just got to me, rather than developing any real emotion. The long distance thing didn’t necessarily help too.
In the hindsight, whenever I look back upon both of the relationships, I don’t regret being in any of them. For one, I am a much better person than I was a couple of years ago and now I actually have the confidence to face people and be a less cynical of them. I realize that my over zealousness killed both my relationships. My keen need just to have a companion just messed it up. I understand now that feelings develop naturally rather being forced to develop. I understand that relationships really require commitment and dedication not to mention a perceivable train of thought as well. But the most vital point I understood was that two EQUAL people make a relationship. If I lower my self esteem or act like a snob just to impress a person I am disturbing the fine line between love and respect. I believe that in order to love someone you must respect them and they must return that respect in full. It’s just the equilibrium that’s SO vital.